He has suggested various things I should buy and, as I don’t have online shopping, he’s offered to order them if I reimburse him, which offended me and I told him so; either buy me a gift or don’t. I have spent at least a couple of hundred pounds visiting him. His ex was financially abusive and he was buying all her groceries and her child’s clothes (child isn’t his). He has struggled to stop doing this. He admits he is still paying interest-free credit for her at £50 a month. I’ve said I’d feel happier if he just pays it off to end the soul tie to what was a very abusive relationship. He says this is financially controlling of me. I have pointed out the disconnect between his generosity to her and cheapness towards me. I’m due to visit him for a week in February and am paying my children’s dad to have them; my boyfriend has suggested I take a train to his house this time so I am less tired but he hasn’t offered to buy the ticket.
We have been friends for eighteen months, in a relationship for two. I want to get off on the right foot and feel we are arguing a lot about this issue very early on. He wants me to convert to Judaism, an expensive process, and has asked me to move in with my children and find a new job where he lives. He has also suggested I buy a Hebrew course and books as part of the process and said again as I don’t have online shopping, he could buy them and I could pay him back. Why was he so generous to his abusive ex who told him she didn’t even like him and yet is very cheap with me (but not so much my children)? How can we avoid falling out over money? — Tired of the Cheapness
Woah, way to bury the lede. You’ve been together only two months and are already discussing moving in together, converting to Judaism, and telling each other how and what to spend money on? These are such inappropriate conversations you’re having after only two months of dating. The cheapness is hardly the biggest issue here. You ask how you can avoid falling out over money, but what about falling out over religious differences, relationships with exes (or at least his relationship with his ex), caring for kids, maintaining a long-distance relationship, eventually merging two households, navigating the controlling tendencies you each seem to exhibit, and that little detail of maybe not even liking each other very much? Or do you like each other? You don’t mention whether you do or not, and that in itself is so telling. You’ve written 400 words about what you don’t like about the guy and not a single one about what you do. I’d say the relationship is pretty doomed from the get-go, and you’d save yourself a lot of potential grief just ending it now.
Also, how do you not have online shopping? What does that mean? If you have access to a computer and email, which you do because I have your letter to prove it, you have access to online shopping, no?
Anyway, yeah: just MOA.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.