I have my own home which we live in and I have no interest in hers. We are struggling with money at the moment and I can’t help but feel frustrated that he still pays half of the mortgage for a house he doesn’t live in. I said, “Let her have the house!!” He has said he was going to, but then he changed his mind and said, no, that would be pointless because his kids don’t want to move and they would have to if he stopped paying. He used an excuse about not being able to afford a divorce, and then I found somewhere online (quickie divorce.com) where it was affordable and he still won’t do it. I wanted to eventually get married and move on. He says he loves me, but I can’t help but feel unsure. If anything were to happen to him, I’m not legally his next of kin — there’s no life insurance, and due to his still being married, I have no rights. He makes me feel like I’m moaning and what difference would it make if he is married or not. Well, it makes me very unhappy, so that should be enough. I’m getting to the stage where I think we should call it a day. I just feel he is feathering two nests. Please let me know what you think as I’m at my wits’ end. — At Wits End
When people say that divorce is expensive, they don’t typically mean the actual divorce itself although that can be expensive. They’re usually referring to paying for two different households, paying alimony and child support, etc. Your boyfriend wouldn’t have to pay child support, but he’d likely owe some sort of alimony and quite possibly be expected to continue paying for his wife’s home while no longer having an excuse to NOT marry you and NOT contribute to your household expenses. He’s probably right that staying married is cheaper for him.
Do you really believe he’s worried about disrupting the home life of his 20-something grown kids?! Come on. (And side note: why on earth are all three of his grown children still living at home?!) What he’s worried about is being financially accountable to both an ex-wife and a new wife (you). He’s trying to avoid that by staying married and being as minimally financially accountable as possible to just one wife (and not a wife and an ex-wife). The likelihood of your getting regular financial contributions from him for household expenses, let alone ever being a benefactor of a life insurance policy, are pretty much nope, not gonna happen. Even if he did get a divorce — and he has literally zero incentive to — the last thing he’s going to want to do after getting saddled with the expense of the divorce is to sign himself up for being financially responsible to another woman.
If getting married is important to you — hell, if it’s important to you that your boyfriend not be married to another woman — I’d move on. And if you own a home that you cannot afford on your own, I’d consider selling it and downsizing to one that you can afford. Or, if that doesn’t appeal to you, get a roommate whom you can charge rent that will help cover the mortgage. But you’re delusional if you think your married boyfriend is suddenly going to step up and fill that role.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.