I have asked on MULTIPLE occasions to please have her clean up after herself; I am not her maid. He tells her all the time to pick up after herself and, yet, she does not. When he isn’t around, she disrespects me by bringing a bunch of friends over, trashing the house and even consuming alcohol with her friends while taking over the whole house so that I am forced to stay in my bedroom. But she acts like a sweet little angel when he’s around. I finally got really upset, he and I had words, and I said I am tired of her disrespect. He just makes excuses and the disrespect continues.
He kept saying she was leaving for school in September, yet now she says she isn’t going so who knows when she will be moving out. Her mother lives not very far away so I don’t understand why she doesn’t go live with her. My boyfriend is very secretive with her and he still kinda cares about her mom and I feel they are secretly talking about her mom. I can’t go on feeling disrespected, but I do love him so much and, when she isn’t around, he is amazing to me. Please, what should I do? — Tired of Being Disrespected
You should not have moved in with your boyfriend. You didn’t know him well enough. You can argue all you want that you did, but if you’d known him better, and had been more enmeshed in his life, you would have known what you were dealing with as far as his roommate/the ex-girlfriend’s 20-year-old daughter goes. You would have seen some signs of the mess (both literally and figuratively), of the secretive behavior, and of the strain between you and her, and if you’d had any sense, you would have held off on moving in with this guy until this young woman was out of his house or until you felt better about her being there and you didn’t suspect lingering feelings between your boyfriend and his ex. You moved much too fast and the only out now is reverse.
Talking to your boyfriend hasn’t helped — he makes excuses, you say, and the disrespect and secretive behavior continue. This is his house, his life, his relationships. You’ve stepped into his world and don’t like it and now expect it to change for your comfort. He’s made clear that’s not going to happen. You have under a year with this guy. Get out now and be grateful you haven’t wasted more time on a guy who’s still apparently pretty tethered to his past relationship and doesn’t have the physical or emotional space for another woman.
What do I do?? — By the Letter
I would throw them in the recycling bin, unopened, and move on with my life. But you have to ask yourself why you’ve hung on to them, and why you’re tempted to read them now (if you are)? You talk about feelings of guilt and opening old wounds. Do you feel that there’s a lack of closure around your previous relationship? If so, what better closure than to burn the letters over a toilet and flush away the ashes? Adios, old relationship, and thank you for affirming an important lesson: You deserve more than a person who doesn’t invest in you and your relationship and stays silent for days on end rather than communicating her needs and thoughts. Hopefully, in your new relationship, you have the things you want in a partner, and you’d be wise to leave the hurts of failed relationships behind and to bring with you the lessons those hurts may have taught.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.