I don’t understand why you got back together with the guy after your “hard breakup.” I don’t understand why you went on to marry him and then get pregnant. It sounds like you got married before you even lived in the same place, too. No one made you marry this guy and no one made you get pregnant – unless you were assaulted, which you don’t mention was the case. You had agency through this whole thing. You knew this guy cheated on you, you knew he was having a baby with another woman, you knew your relationship had been long-distance without the benefit of establishing a connection in the same town, and yet, you married him anyway and got pregnant anyway. At this point, with a baby on the way, you have to focus on being a great mom and that may mean letting go of your relationship; it most certainly means waking up and taking responsibility for your decisions and fostering better mindfulness as you face all the many decisions you’ll have as a mother. I think it’s time for some therapy to give you the tools you desperately need to let go of the hate you’re cultivating for your co-parent and to make more mindful decisions going forward.
You don’t get to tell your girlfriend what she can and can’t do, but you do get to express your feelings and to draw a line in the sand between what you’re ok with in a relationship and what you aren’t and to leave a relationship if your partner does something that falls on the “not okay with it” side. You say you’ve tried to explain yourself and your point of view and you want to know what else you can do. You can ask what her point of view is. You can ask her to explain what she loves about these photoshoots and why they’re important to her so that you can be better able to understand where she’s coming from. And if you simply don’t understand and she’s not interested in quitting something she enjoys simply because her boyfriend is a “very jealous person,” then you should split ways.
So, you were hurt when you weren’t invited to the hospital for the birth of Jake’s first baby, and now you can’t imagine going to the baby shower of the second baby because you’ll feel fake? You know, being fake gets a bad rap. Being fake is sometimes better than being rude. Being fake can help save feelings – and in some cases, can help save a relationship. Have you asked your husband what he wants? If he wants you to go to the shower, go. If he tells you he doesn’t care, go. The only reason you should NOT go is if he specifically and convincingly asks you not to, which he probably won’t. So, take two or three hours and go to the baby shower for your husband’s newest grandchild, and if you need a good reason that you can embrace so you don’t feel fake about supporting people you think don’t like you, tell yourself you’re supporting your husband (whom I hope you believe does like you!), because you are and because the birth of a new grandbaby is an exciting occasion worth celebrating.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.