Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Morning Quickies: “I Sent Inappropriate Pictures to My Boyfriend’s Friend”

Three quickies for you today:

Two months ago I sent inappropriate pictures to one of my boyfriend’s friends while on vacation. Since then, I realized it was a huge mistake. I have grown as a person and will never do something like that again. My boyfriend has said to me in the past that he will end things with me if he finds I have cheated. I do not want to tell him, but some part of me feels the need to. I need help. — Inappropriate

Wait, why would you send inappropriate pictures to your boyfriend’s friend? Of all the guys you could be inappropriate with – which in itself is a problem — you chose someone close to your boyfriend. And now you feel the urge to tell him? Why? To unburden yourself of guilt? To make him jealous? To incite some kind of reaction from him?

I just don’t buy that in two month’s time you’ve grown so much as a person and realize what a huge mistake you made. You don’t give any reason for this huge growth you say you’ve experienced. I think the far likelier scenario is that there’s something you need from your boyfriend that you aren’t getting and you thought that, by sending inappropriate pictures to his friend, you might get that thing. Telling your boyfriend about what you did is the second part of your plan. And it’s not going to work. If things aren’t great with him, you need to communicate what your needs are and listen to what his are and try to work together to see if you can meet each other’s needs. If things ARE great, don’t fuck it up by telling him you sent tit pics or whatever to his buddy, although I wouldn’t be surprised if the damage is already done.

My common-law partner, “Rodney,” and I have been living together for two years now. His sister came to visit the country, and we had fun. She was actually really cool and open-minded. We were all happy that she’s going to be be staying in the country next year. The thing is that even before his sister came to visit, I had told Rodney that I don’t want to live with relatives, but now I’ve found out that he wants us to move out of our place and he’s planning on finding a place for the three of us. I explained the reasons why I disagree with this and why I don’t want to live with relatives, and he just told me, “don’t worry about it, everything will be all right.” I don’t want to be the bad person here, but I really think she should not stay with us (she’s a fully developed adult). I need your opinion regarding this matter. — Not Interested in Living with Relatives

 
Your boyfriend made plans to move out of your current place, find a bigger place, and invite his sister to move in with you guys and he doesn’t even care what you think or feel about it? And his response, when you tell him this isn’t ok, is to not worry about it – that “everything will be all right”?! I can’t imagine this kind of dismissiveness of your feelings has come out of the blue. If it has, then he might be trying to get you to break up with him so he doesn’t have to do the dirty work. If this kind of treatment of you is typical – if he has a pattern of disregarding you, making unilateral decisions that affect you without consulting you, and if he regularly blows off your concerns, then this is just who he is.

Either way, I would not advise staying with a guy who behaves this way. This isn’t a matter of his ordering your dinner in a restaurant and ordering you something you said you didn’t want (which would be bad enough); he wants to change your entire living situation and doesn’t give a shit how you feel about it. MOA, and be grateful you don’t have kids with this creep. (Please tell me you don’t have kids with this creep.)

I’m dating this guy whom I’ve known for two months now. His ex-girlfriend calls him every day. I asked him why she still calls on the daily, and his reason is because they have known each other for six years and the girl really loves him and has become a part of his life so she can’t get over him. I told him to tell her that he has moved on and gotten into another relationship, but he said he can’t tell her because she made him promise never to tell her if he starts dating again. That is his justification. She still calls him “baby” on chat, and when I asked why she still calls him baby, his reason was because that is what she is used to.

I have confronted him and he is aware about my insecurities about her. But he has always given me this assurance that there is nothing going on, that they are just cool friends considering they have known and dated for six years. Recently, he told me he was going to hang out with her. He begged me and I let him go. But when I started calling him later in the night, around 10 pm, he was busying my calls. Later his explanation was that his ex was the one with his phone and she was the one busying the calls. And when the ex asked who I was, he said I was just a friend.

Even though he has been sincere with me about his ex, I still can’t help but feel that he still loves her. Please, I need your advice. Do I ignore it? — Tired of Being a Secret

 
I was in this situation once before, and you know what happened? The guy and I broke up, he got back with the ex-girlfriend, and eventually they got married. Your instinct that your boyfriend is still in love with his ex is probably right. Regardless what his feelings for her are, the way you and he are communicating and interacting is already dysfunctional and unhealthy, only two months in. He’s begging you for permission to go out with a friend? You’re checking up on him at 10 at night, repeatedly, and he’s ignoring you? He’s dismissing your valid concerns about his relationship with his ex and keeping your existence a secret from her? There are red flags waving all over the place here, and really, after only two months, you’d be wise to take these warnings to heart and move on already.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

21 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Miss MJ June 18, 2019, 8:14 am

    New Rule: if you’re writing in to an advice columnist about a relationship that’s on the rocks after two months, just break up, already. Relationships aren’t this hard.

    LW2: Wait, what? Do you own the place you live now? Rent? Are both of your names on the deed or lease? WTF!?! Please make sure that your (hopefully soon to be ex, because JFC!) partner hasn’t canceled the lease or sold your home or something out from under you. (Or bought or leased something new, for that matter!) You said you’re common law married, and I’d recommend seeing a lawyer to figure out what protections you might have should, say, your partner decide to freaking move your home and get a bigger place and a roommate without discussing it with you (and with no regard for your clearly articulated “No, I don’t want to do this.” )

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    • avatar

      LanLan June 19, 2019, 6:57 am

      Hello Miss MJ,
      We’re renting the place and our names are on the contract. I was surprised too. He’s a nice guy, it’s just when it comes to his family he’s like a completely different person. We talked about it. I told him to look for a place for him and his sister and I’m just gonna look for a place for myself as well.
      He wasn’t satisfied and didn’t want me to live in a separate place as he said we’re common law married. I insisted that I really don’t like concept of living with relatives, so I don’t really think it’s gonna work out well.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse June 18, 2019, 9:19 am

    Yes, it’s incredibly disrespectful to make big decisions without asking your partner’s opinion, or dismissing their feelings altogether. He’s treating you like a child. He thinks he knows what is best for you.

    When he said everything will be fine, you should have said, “No, it won’t be. I don’t want to live with your fully developed adult sister.”

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    • avatar

      LanLan June 19, 2019, 7:10 am

      Hello anonymousse,

      I felt the same thing too. I’m the type of person who doesn’t like last minute changes/plans. I told him that I don’t think it’s a good idea to live with his sister. I told him she is nice and everything, but there are some things that I won’t, he won’t or we won’t be able to do if we’re living with relatives. I even gave him a situation like “remember when my mom wants to live with us, I said no right away and you said no to it as well. So what’s the difference?” and then he was like “but now I’m okay with your mom living with us” at that moment I told him that “you’re just manipulating me. You want me to feel good about it, so I could say yes to your sister moving in with us” He remained quiet for few seconds, then he added “it’s just she’s new here and I don’t want her to live on her own”. I was like ” she’s an adult man! She’s 30 y/o. She’s independent and can live on her own” He was thinking about it and told me ‘we’ll discuss it again some other time’. Like I know he’s concern about his sister, but like holy cow man. If you want to live with her, then go. My decision is made and I’m gonna be more happy if I’m living on my own than the three of us.

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      • avatar

        anonymousse June 19, 2019, 11:28 am

        I think it’s really telling that even when you’re talking about it, he keeps deflecting and saying you’ll talk about it another time.

        I’m just curious, but are you actually common law? I thought there were actually some hoops to jump through, including longer cohabitation.

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      • avatar

        LanLan June 19, 2019, 10:52 pm

        anonymousse,

        Yes. I’m not sure which country you are living in though, but here in Toronto, Canada minimum is a year to be declared as common law married. We’re sharing all the bills, the rent contract and tax stuff.
        I told him to discuss it in more private place/time or like when she’s not around. We’re planning on discussing it maybe at the end of the month, when she’s gone.
        I’m still hoping he’ll change his mind. If he still wants to live with her, then it’s fine. As long as I’m not gonna be living with them (which, for sure, will affect our common law status).

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  • avatar

    FYI June 18, 2019, 9:20 am

    “Even though he has been sincere with me about his ex …”

    Say what?! He’s not being sincere at all! His ex had control of his phone and was blocking your calls? C’mon. He told your ex you’re just a friend? How is that sincere in any way? He likes having you both. Break up.

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    • avatar

      golfer.gal June 18, 2019, 8:07 pm

      I don’t know, he’s been pretty darn sincere. He’s flat out told her he refuses to tell his ex about her, and has clearly demonstrated he’s ok with her calling him pet names, talking to her every day, and rendezvousing with her while he mutes girlfriend’s calls (calls from your partner are such a boner killer when you’re in the middle of banging your ex). He has shown he will always prioritize the ex’s feeling over hers. The sad thing is the LW thinks she deserves these crumbs of a relationship. This guy is a cad and an asshole and it was time to dump him yesterday

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  • avatar

    MP June 18, 2019, 9:45 am

    LW #3 you mention zero ways how your boyfriend demonstrates that he wants to be with you yet you list a myriad of ways of how he’s fighting to be with his ex (while keeping you captive in a dead relationship). You’re not in a good situation, MOA.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom June 18, 2019, 10:12 am

    LW1 Did you perhaps want the friend more than the boyfriend so sent inappropriate pictures to see if he was interested. After two months you know he isn’t interested so now you are afraid your boyfriend might find out and breakup? Or do you want to hurt your boyfriend by letting him know what you did? Do you hope to ruin his friendship?

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  • TaraMonster

    TaraMonster June 18, 2019, 12:01 pm

    LW3, As someone who is super close with their ex from a LTR, I can tell you that what you’re describing is NOT how post-relationship friendship works. Your spidey-senses are tinging because this is wildly inappropriate. He’s putting his ex’s feelings above yours because his relationship with her matters more to him! Even in the best case scenario of him genuinely wanting to be over her and move on, he’s still behaving in a way that says the opposite. And even in that best-case scenario there really is only one outcome and if you stick around to witness it you will be mired in a whole lot of drama, heartache, and mess. You’ve known this guy a mere 2 months. Cut your losses and run.

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  • avatar

    ron June 18, 2019, 2:11 pm

    LW#1 — you simply are not a good person.

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    • avatar

      Sarah June 18, 2019, 5:55 pm

      This is the best comment I’ve read in a long time.
      Short and spot on.

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    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark June 19, 2019, 11:50 am

      Nope. She damn well sure isn’t.

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  • avatar

    LanLan June 19, 2019, 7:24 am

    Hello Wendy,

    We don’t have kids yet, just a cat. (Our cat is our baby lol).
    I don’t know why, but he really seems like a completely different person when his family is around. (They don’t even know the stuff that he did before, they just know that he’s the best/nicest son they got.) Whatever his family tells him to do, he’ll do it without considering my opinion. Sometimes he does, but still proceeds with his/their ideas. Anyways I told him that I’m giving him the option not to choose me and just live with his sister. He didn’t like it and told me we’re gonna discuss it some other time. He said it doesn’t have to be that way as us living together is more important than him living with her.
    Despite this, I’m still not convinced with his comment, I know he can change his mind when his family says something about it.

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    • avatar

      Vathena June 19, 2019, 11:31 am

      Does his sister even WANT to live with you two? I definitely wouldn’t ever want to live with my brother and SIL, even though I get along fine with them on visits. (The answer to this question doesn’t change the basic math of having a partner who dismisses your feelings, but maybe he’s dismissing hers too!)

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      • avatar

        LanLan June 19, 2019, 10:27 pm

        Hello Vathena,

        Good question. She’s actually excited to move in with us.
        (So I assume that she’s totally fine with it) On the other hand, partner told me that she told him that once she finds a place, she’ll move out so we can have our own privacy. (Which I actually doubt as I know that they’re really close to each other.)
        Luckily, I don’t have siblings so my bf doesn’t have to deal with this kind of issue lol.

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    • avatar

      Miss MJ June 19, 2019, 3:40 pm

      ” Anyways I told him that I’m giving him the option not to choose me and just live with his sister. He didn’t like it and told me we’re gonna discuss it some other time.”

      So, he again dismissed your statement that you don’t want to live with his sister and refused to discuss it with you? This is a real problem, LW. You aren’t his primary partner in life, his family is, apparently, and he’s willing to uproot his life (and yours too) to accommodate them. That’s a giant flashing neon red warning light screaming “STOP!!!” Please make sure that your interests (and housing situation!) are protected in the event that your partner decides to go through with his plan to move himself (and, in his mind, you, too) in with his sister. He’s clearly not going to listen to you on this.

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      • avatar

        LanLan June 19, 2019, 10:31 pm

        Miss MJ,

        I was thinking the same thing too. Like I wanna solve this issue, but not in painful way (like break up or something). Guess he’s really torn between us that’s why I gave him that option. I told him ‘visiting is fine, but moving in with us? Nope.’ We’re planning on discussing it when she leaves.

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    • avatar

      ron June 19, 2019, 4:38 pm

      You need to be more assertive and let him know for certain that he can’t ignore your feelings, nor can he get his way by continually kicking your concerns down the road to some unspecified future time when he is willing to discuss them. You should be clear: either the two of you discuss it right now and reach a decision you each can accept, or you are gone. Then MOA and be gone if he tries to postpone or if you can’t reach agreement.

      You do not want a life of constantly having your life controlled by your in-laws, with this guy as the limp intermediary. It really sounds like there is no hope of you ever being an equal partner in this relationship, although it is possible that he can be brought to his senses and become an adult and a partner, if you put your foot down and insist upon it.

      In future, you want to live FAR away from his family.

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  • avatar

    LanLan June 19, 2019, 10:42 pm

    Hello Ron,

    Absolutely. I already told him that.
    This fear of me living with his family started when his mom came here to visit.
    She was controlling everything and my bf just kept saying yes to it even though I didn’t like it. So, I talked to him about it and we had an argument-fight. Up to the point where I left to give them space and time to bond more (which he didn’t like). His aunt and mom got themselves involved in our problem and posted some of our pics and not so cool comments about me. Because we’re friends on FB, I saw it and confronted him. He apologized and talked to his mom and aunt. Also, the fact that I wasn’t home led them to get involved in our relationship and told him some stuff that didn’t help our relationship.
    It was awful and scared me. Like after that, I told him that ‘that’s it. No more living with relatives. If you want to, then go ahead but I’m not gonna live with you guys and make my life complicated’.

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