Three quickies for you today:
Wait, why would you send inappropriate pictures to your boyfriend’s friend? Of all the guys you could be inappropriate with – which in itself is a problem — you chose someone close to your boyfriend. And now you feel the urge to tell him? Why? To unburden yourself of guilt? To make him jealous? To incite some kind of reaction from him?
I just don’t buy that in two month’s time you’ve grown so much as a person and realize what a huge mistake you made. You don’t give any reason for this huge growth you say you’ve experienced. I think the far likelier scenario is that there’s something you need from your boyfriend that you aren’t getting and you thought that, by sending inappropriate pictures to his friend, you might get that thing. Telling your boyfriend about what you did is the second part of your plan. And it’s not going to work. If things aren’t great with him, you need to communicate what your needs are and listen to what his are and try to work together to see if you can meet each other’s needs. If things ARE great, don’t fuck it up by telling him you sent tit pics or whatever to his buddy, although I wouldn’t be surprised if the damage is already done.
Your boyfriend made plans to move out of your current place, find a bigger place, and invite his sister to move in with you guys and he doesn’t even care what you think or feel about it? And his response, when you tell him this isn’t ok, is to not worry about it – that “everything will be all right”?! I can’t imagine this kind of dismissiveness of your feelings has come out of the blue. If it has, then he might be trying to get you to break up with him so he doesn’t have to do the dirty work. If this kind of treatment of you is typical – if he has a pattern of disregarding you, making unilateral decisions that affect you without consulting you, and if he regularly blows off your concerns, then this is just who he is.
Either way, I would not advise staying with a guy who behaves this way. This isn’t a matter of his ordering your dinner in a restaurant and ordering you something you said you didn’t want (which would be bad enough); he wants to change your entire living situation and doesn’t give a shit how you feel about it. MOA, and be grateful you don’t have kids with this creep. (Please tell me you don’t have kids with this creep.)
I have confronted him and he is aware about my insecurities about her. But he has always given me this assurance that there is nothing going on, that they are just cool friends considering they have known and dated for six years. Recently, he told me he was going to hang out with her. He begged me and I let him go. But when I started calling him later in the night, around 10 pm, he was busying my calls. Later his explanation was that his ex was the one with his phone and she was the one busying the calls. And when the ex asked who I was, he said I was just a friend.
Even though he has been sincere with me about his ex, I still can’t help but feel that he still loves her. Please, I need your advice. Do I ignore it? — Tired of Being a Secret
I was in this situation once before, and you know what happened? The guy and I broke up, he got back with the ex-girlfriend, and eventually they got married. Your instinct that your boyfriend is still in love with his ex is probably right. Regardless what his feelings for her are, the way you and he are communicating and interacting is already dysfunctional and unhealthy, only two months in. He’s begging you for permission to go out with a friend? You’re checking up on him at 10 at night, repeatedly, and he’s ignoring you? He’s dismissing your valid concerns about his relationship with his ex and keeping your existence a secret from her? There are red flags waving all over the place here, and really, after only two months, you’d be wise to take these warnings to heart and move on already.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.