Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Morning Quickies: “I’m Texting with a Man 25 Years Younger Who Only Wants Explicit Photos of Me”

I am a 63-year-old woman and I have been talking to a young guy online (he is 38). We live within 20 minutes of each other, but we have never met up. My policy is two weeks of texting and then plan to meet up. Well, two months later, we’re still texting and haven’t yet met. In the beginning, our conversations were excellent; I even told him that he is quite the smooth talker. Now the conversation has turned to basically nothing but sexual in nature. He is wanting very explicit videos/pics. I told him twice I do not feel comfortable sending those. I told that him if he needs/wants to see that, then meet up with me. His answers are always the same: “Oh, we are going to as soon as I get back” (he’s been out of state on a business trip). I know from the pics he has posted on his Facebook that he is where he says he is. I also told him I do not want a texting relationship.

Now for my question: is it his age, or my age? Is he just a smooth talker? My gut tells me to get rid of him because he has no respect for me. I am at a total loss. I remember telling him in the very beginning that he was way too young for me, but one thing led to another, with the exchange of numbers, adding to Facebook, etc. Any suggestions or advice? — The Older Woman

Yeah, the guy has literally zero intention of ever meeting up with you. He probably has some older woman fetish that you satisfy, or at least could satisfy if you would engage him in sexts. But beyond that, he wants nothing from/with you. You ask whether it’s his age or your age or whether he’s just a “smooth talker” (I’m guessing probably not that smooth, to be honest), but the bigger question here is: Why are you still sticking around, trying to figure out what his deal is? You say you have a two-week texting policy and that you don’t want a texting relationship, and yet here you are texting with this guy for two months without meeting him. You say your gut tells you to get rid of him because he has no respect for you (which is true), and then you follow that up with, “I am at a total loss.” I’m confused. Why are you at a total loss? Why are you ignoring your gut? Why are you disregarding your own policy?

I’ll turn your questions back around on you: is it his age? Is it your age? Are you putting up with this nonsense because the guy is 25 years younger than you and it’s thrilling to think at 63 you could still attract the attention of a guy in his 30s? But you don’t have his attention! All you have are a few asks for pictures of your 63-year-old boobs. Come on, now. We know he doesn’t have any respect for you, but where’s your respect for yourself? It’s time to find it and move on already.

I’m 20, I have a 24-year-old boyfriend who has autism, and I’m looking for advice on ways to get him to want to move in with me. He’s on disability benefits and lives with his mom and brother, which he loves doing. I feel like I’m growing up and getting ready for the next steps, but he won’t even talk about it as he says moving out isn’t for him. We have been dating five years and nothing has changed. I would really like to be with him and build a life and home together, but it’s hard knowing he doesn’t want to and I’m not sure if he will ever be ready to move out of his family home. He says he wants a family of his own one day and a place of his own, so how do I convince him that even with a disability he can still do anything he wants even if it’s done slightly differently than average? — Ready for Next Steps

 
If, after five years together, nothing has changed, I don’t know why you would expect it to suddenly change now. Just because (you think) you’re ready? Your boyfriend is telling you in every way he can that he is not ready to move out yet. And I am concerned that at 20 years old, and having been with the same guy since you were 15, you may lack some real world experience that would put your boyfriend’s disability in perspective for you. For example, how far do you think his disability checks go and are they even enough to contribute to half of a couple’s living expenses in a rental apartment, let alone help support a family? At 20, what are your career plans? Do you feel confident that you’ll be in a position to be the breadwinner? Do you have a clear understanding of the limitations your boyfriend faces as they apply to adulting? Do you have a clear idea what living as an adult even entails?

You’re 20; I suspect you’ve never even lived on your own yet and been responsible for yourself, never mind a partner with a disability. And if your boyfriend moves out of his mother’s home, there may be certain responsibilities that his mother has taken care of that you would then be in charge of or that your boyfriend would have to learn to deal with on his own. He is telling you he isn’t ready for that. He has told you that moving out “is not for him.” He may say he wants a place and family of his own one day, but that doesn’t mean he wants those things now or that he wants them with you at all, let alone with you at 20.

If you’re ready to grow up and take the next steps in your life, don’t let your boyfriend hold you back. Get your own place and start building a life. It may be that the direction you’re ready to follow is away from your boyfriend. It may be that he is OK with that. And you may find, in time, that you are OK with it, too. You may not have a choice.

9 comments… add one
  • avatar

    JD September 21, 2018, 8:03 am

    Ya you are only 20. You need to live alone, or with friends before you live with a man. Also, you have already changed from 15 to 20 and you are going to continue to do so drastically moving forward. I wouldn’t recommend that most 20 year olds move in with their significant others for this reason.

    Also, WWS, he is not ready.

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  • Kate B.

    Kate B. September 21, 2018, 9:38 am

    LW1: Listen to your gut. This guy is totally using you. I remember when I first started using the internet (way back when it was new), I “met” a guy online and we started messaging back and forth. All he wanted were naked pictures of me. His demands got more and more insistent. He would send messages in all caps: SEND ME A PIC!!! Finally, I broke off communication with him. This is what you should do. It won’t get any better.
    LW2: You can’t make someone do something they aren’t ready to do. Move out on your own and start experiencing life as an adult. If, at some point, he’s ready to join you, great. If not, you haven’t put your own life on hold. Do not ever do that.

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  • avatar

    LisforLeslie September 21, 2018, 9:43 am

    LW#1 – Wendy is right. This really sounds like a con job or at least highly manipulative. Just the “I won’t meet you IRL unless you give me noods” sounds ridiculous when I type it out. I think you need to ghost this guy. It was a nice ego boost, a little thrill perhaps but what you want is not what he’s going to give.

    LW#2 – don’t rush to become an adult. Your bf isn’t ready. Don’t push him, it will lead to resentment on both sides. Learn how to be independent. Live on your own or with friends and see what that’s like. Learn more about what you need as an individual.

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  • Cleopatra Jones

    Cleopatra Jones September 21, 2018, 10:20 am

    LW#1: Why are you still sticking around, trying to figure out what his deal is?
    I think this happens to a LOT of woman. We have been trained to ‘give a guy a chance’ even when our gut is screaming that it’s not right for us. She’s hoping that her instincts are wrong, and he’ll turn out to be the ‘wonderful, loving guy’ that she hoped for. He won’t. Even if you meet him irl, he’s probably going to be a worse creeper than you imagine. Do yourself a favor, and ghost him. Block and move on.
    LW#2: Disability aside. Learn to believe a man when he tells/shows you that he doesn’t want the same relationship that you want. It will make your life so much easier to move on from potentially dead end relationships.

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  • avatar

    for_cutie September 21, 2018, 12:05 pm

    LW 1: WWS

    LW 2: Most 24 year old people don’t want to move in with a partner, start a life, and start a family. Period. Slow down. Take some time on your own to start the life you want, then revisit what it would look like to share it with someone else after a year or two.

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  • avatar

    Poppy September 21, 2018, 12:41 pm

    Agree with everyone. On LW1 and LW2. But LW2-you are 63 yrs old and run the risk of being taken advantaged of. This person could be a scam artist.

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  • avatar

    Hazel September 21, 2018, 3:31 pm

    LW 1 , hell no. You had fun, but that’s done, just move on to something better.He’s silly and sketchy and just no. No harm done, though-more clever octopi in that surf.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros September 21, 2018, 3:37 pm

    LW1: I’m not sure why this has to have something to do with age. For whatever reason, this guy isn’t looking to date you. He just wants these photos and videos. Since you are not interested in that, then stop talking to him.

    LW2: You can’t and shouldn’t make someone want something. I’m not sure why you’d want someone to move in with you because you convinced them they should, versus them genuinely wanting to. He doesn’t want to move in with you. You want to move in together. I don’t really see how a relationship can continue when you want such different things.

    Also, having someone move in with you straight from their parents’ house, specifically someone who probably gets additional support from their parent as part of their living arrangement, is a bad idea. Autism or not, you’re basically setting yourself up to be their mom. Because you have no evidence that they have prepared to live as a responsible adult who cleans up after themselves and can feed themselves and all that.

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  • avatar

    ItsHer September 22, 2018, 10:17 am

    LW1 – There are online scammers who will blackmail you once they have explicit photos or videos of you. They will threaten to send your photos to your contacts if you don’t hand over $$. This is likely why he wanted to be added to your FB. Do jot engage with this smooth talking scammer for one moment more. Block him on FB and buckle down on your online security.

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