Other things unrelated to the menopause: I waited four months to have sex with her although we did fool around during this period. She didn’t want to have sex during the Easter and Christmas periods because of her Christian values. She’s opposed to a particular sexual position because she says it’s impersonal. She thinks if we got married or lived together, she would have a higher sex drive and we’d have sex more often. Would getting married actually change anything? Is she saying, “Commit to me and you’ll get all the sex you want”?
She’s devoted to me and would make a good wife, but I’m just feeling dissatisfied in the bedroom. Perhaps I could find someone else and have a more active sex life, but this someone else may not be as devoted. Life is about trade-offs. Is it a valid reason to end a relationship if you’re not satisfied with the sex but everything else is good?— Dissatisfied in the Bedroom
Feeling dissatisfied about something in a relationship that is important to you is always a valid reason to leave. I suspect what you’re really asking though is what the likelihood is you’ll find someone who is a better fit for you sexually while still being compatible in the other ways Jane is, and I can’t answer that for you. I think if you felt confident you could find someone else, you’d probably already be looking. I think if Jane was worried you could find a “younger woman,” she wouldn’t actually joke about you doing just that.
You probably both are well aware that your options for young, pre-menopausal women are more limited at 51 than when you were 31. That said, I’m not so sure age is as big a factor in a woman’s libido as you seem to think it is. It’s very possible YOU just aren’t really doing it for Jane. And it’s also possible that, indeed, menopause is affecting her desire. If it’s the latter, the good news for her is menopause eventually ends, and there are treatments available for certain symptoms in the meantime. If it’s the former, I guess that’s bad news for you.
As to Jane trying to convince you that her sex drive will magically reappear if you two move in together or get married and your wondering if that means that you’ll get all the sex you want if you commit to her: Lol, no.
Right now she’s going through a difficult time and I know that she wants my support in each and every way, but I don’t know what to do, how to help her with the pain, and how to support her. Even worse, I don’t know if I should tell my parents about the loss or not. I am so devastated I don’t know what to do or how to feel. I want to be there for her through and through, BUT it seems like I am failing. — Failing at Supporting
I’m sorry you’re hurting, and while I respect your desire to support your ex-girlfriend, it’s not your obligation to do so. You’re her ex presumably for a reason. She has family and friends, right? This is the time for her to lean on them, and if you feel you need the support from your network of loved ones too, you can share the news and do the same (though you also have no obligation to share the news if you don’t want to!). Loss and grief are hard for everyone, and part of the process is simply absorbing difficult news, which can be especially challenging if it’s a shock or if it’s compounded by consecutive loss (like the ending of a relationship).
I would suggest giving yourself a few more days of space from your ex-girlfriend to simply process the news she’s shared and then decide whether or not you have the emotional bandwidth to lend her any support while also maintaining the boundaries your breakup demands. As her ex, you have zero moral obligation to step up as a support person through whatever challenges she’s going through right now. If you decide to anyway, know that doing so may jeopardize whatever progress you’ve made in moving on from your relationship with her.