Recently he asked a single co-worker out to coffee and it progressed to dinner. He reassured me that he is not interested in her as he is me. In the beginning of our relationship he had stated that he would like to ask her out to dinner to get to know her out of work, but only as a friend. I expressed my concerns particularly as she is unaware that we are together and that it would hurt me if he did this. Six months later he has asked her out. (His words: “It was one of those things where my mouth just started talking and the next thing I had asked her to coffee.”). I admitted that I didn’t like it, but I will have to accept it.
I know I am allowed to feel a bit of betrayal, but I am not sure where to go so far as conversations about this. He says that he is very private and does not want people at work talking about us, and I know that he does not talk to too many people about his private life, so should I be concerned? I made a comment that some parts of our lives we want to keep to ourselves like time with friends, and now I think he using this as a reason not to introduce me to them. I have not asked to meet them, as I would rather he ask me to meet them, but I don’t get that he can introduce me to his family, but not to them . . . — The Sort of Secret Girlfriend
Girl, this guy is playing you hard. He’s introduced you to his family to give you something to hold on to — to make you feel like he’s invested. But, listen, it’s easy to introduce someone to people you aren’t hoping to sleep with/date/whatever. In short: in a whole year he hasn’t introduced you to his (mostly female) friends because doing so would be a huge cock block for him. He doesn’t want your co-workers to know about you two not because he’s worried about his job (is there even a rule at work that colleagues aren’t allowed to date?), but because he’s worried that, if people know you’re a couple, he won’t be able to “get to know” the other women in the office over coffee and dinner (otherwise known as “dates”). He doesn’t want people to think he’s off the market. He very much wants to continue perusing the market at his leisure.
He is SO playing you. And he’s playing every other woman he continues asking out without divulging that he is, in fact, in a relationship. Honestly, if it were I, I’d just break up with him. A year is long enough for someone to stop asking out other people and start acting like he’s in an exclusive relationship (if he is in one, and you say he is). But if you want to continue seeing him, speak up and tell him you will no longer stand for his going out with women who don’t know you are his girlfriend. Let him know you have waited long enough to meet his friends and you don’t want to remain a secret anymore. If he isn’t willing to bring your relationship out of the closet, so to speak, you really need to MOA.
I absolutely hate when he drinks; he doesn’t become violent or mean or anything — he’s just a sloppy drunk and it’s so unattractive. Our only issue is his drinking. He promises to stop sometimes, but the next night he will be out drinking again. He works hard, makes good money, and treats me very nice; however, when he spends his time off getting drunk, it really makes me resent him and I find it completely inappropriate. When we first started dating, six years ago, I will admit I was also into drinking quite a bit and having a good time, but now I drink to a certain limit and only enjoy a few drinks here and there. I believe I have matured but he hasn’t. I am starting to question my future with him. I do not want to be with someone who drinks so excessively in one sitting. I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you so much. — Dating Sir Drinks a Lot
You say you have a great relationship, but what you describe doesn’t sound so awesome. Whenever your boyfriend has some time off, he is spending it binge-drinking, which you hate. He spends the entirety of every weekend drunk. You say he spends time with you, but it sounds like he’s always drinking when you’re together and you find that very unattractive. You say his drinking is your only issue, but, if he’s drinking all the time and you’re unhappy when he’s drinking, doesn’t that sort of mean you’re unhappy all the time?
It sounds like you two have just grown in different directions and want different things at this point in your life. You don’t enjoy the same things, apparently. He likes drinking to excess and you don’t. And not only do you not like drinking to excess, but you also don’t like HIS drinking to excess. I’m not saying either lifestyle is right or wrong — just that they/you aren’t a good match anymore.
You got together when you were 22 and 23, respectively. And now you’ve grown up a lot and you’ve discovered that you’ve grown apart. I’m sure you still have love and mutual respect and companionship, but it just doesn’t sound like you want the same things. If he has to change in order for you to be happy with him and he doesn’t WANT to change, then I don’t see how you can stay with him. Better to move on now while there are still good feelings between you than to continue letting resentment build until ending things a year or two from now when you both hate each other. Just because you have six years of history doesn’t mean you have a future.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].