I confronted him about this, and he said he was in love with this guy but the guy never felt the same way. He said he was getting over the guy and he wouldn’t cheat on me. Since then he has locked his iPad and takes it with him everywhere including the bathroom. Obviously, he doesn’t want me to snoop again and/or he’s still texting this guy.
He is affectionate and says he loves me, but I don’t trust him anymore. I’m at a loss as to what to do. I would love your advice. — Suspicious of the iPad in the Bathroom
About four months into a relationship, you learn that your new boyfriend has been sexting a man he says he’s in love with the entire time you’ve been together and his bullshit line for continuing to do so is that he’s “getting over the guy.” You don’t get over someone by engaging in a many months-long sext-capade. I’m not sure why you’re “at loss” for what to do here. Your boyfriend is in love with someone else whom he’s in constant sexually-themed contact with. If you have even an ounce of self-respect, there is literally no other move for you to make than to move on already.
I decided I’d take some time off dating, but slowly I’ve started getting back with my ex and the new guy is not aware of it. He doesn’t call me anymore, but I’m feeling very guilty and I think of the new guy almost all the time. I feel very confused as to what to do. Please help me clear my confusion and make the right decision. — Quite Complex and Confusing
You don’t really love either of these guys; you love the attention and you love the beginnings of relationships when things are new and fresh and easy and you feel adored. I don’t know why else you’d start a relationship with someone who PROPOSED to you after one kiss and immediately following your breakup with your boyfriend of nine years. That’s fucking nuts, and yet you took the bait and started dating him because you get off on feeling adored even if the person adoring you has a giant red flag tattooed to his face.
Your intention to take time off from dating was the one wise move you’ve documented in your note here, and I urge you to commit to that intention and make it a real thing. Find other ways of finding the thrill you seek when you are being chased by guys who are bonkers: take up rock climbing or skydiving or some other activity that provides a modicum of risk without sacrificing your emotional well-being.
Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.