Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Morning Quickies: “My Boyfriend Sexts Another Man He Says He’s in Love With”

I’m a gay man who’s been in a relationship with my boyfriend, “Tom” for five months. Recently I saw a text pop up on Tom’s iPad from a guy. I asked him who this guy was, and he said it was someone he had had a crush on for one and a half years. They have had sex, but he said they haven’t been communicating that much lately. He also said he told this guy about us. I didn’t believe him and snooped a bit until, two weeks ago, I saw on my Tom’s iPad texts and sexts he sent to this guy over the last five months. Also, it was clear he never told this guy about us.

I confronted him about this, and he said he was in love with this guy but the guy never felt the same way. He said he was getting over the guy and he wouldn’t cheat on me. Since then he has locked his iPad and takes it with him everywhere including the bathroom. Obviously, he doesn’t want me to snoop again and/or he’s still texting this guy.

He is affectionate and says he loves me, but I don’t trust him anymore. I’m at a loss as to what to do. I would love your advice. — Suspicious of the iPad in the Bathroom

About four months into a relationship, you learn that your new boyfriend has been sexting a man he says he’s in love with the entire time you’ve been together and his bullshit line for continuing to do so is that he’s “getting over the guy.” You don’t get over someone by engaging in a many months-long sext-capade. I’m not sure why you’re “at loss” for what to do here. Your boyfriend is in love with someone else whom he’s in constant sexually-themed contact with. If you have even an ounce of self-respect, there is literally no other move for you to make than to move on already.

My story is quite complex and confusing. I was in a relationship with a guy for nine years until he broke things off with me with the excuse that he needed a break. Before that, I had kissed a friend of mine who was interested in me during the time my boyfriend and I were having relationship issues which I told him about. After the breakup, I was very hurt and told the guy I kissed about it and he proposed to me. I told him to give me a year to get over my ex, but he wanted to start a relationship immediately because he’s been in love with me for a while. Four months into our relationship my ex asked for us to get back together. I told the new guy about it and he wasn’t happy.

I decided I’d take some time off dating, but slowly I’ve started getting back with my ex and the new guy is not aware of it. He doesn’t call me anymore, but I’m feeling very guilty and I think of the new guy almost all the time. I feel very confused as to what to do. Please help me clear my confusion and make the right decision. — Quite Complex and Confusing

 
You don’t really love either of these guys; you love the attention and you love the beginnings of relationships when things are new and fresh and easy and you feel adored. I don’t know why else you’d start a relationship with someone who PROPOSED to you after one kiss and immediately following your breakup with your boyfriend of nine years. That’s fucking nuts, and yet you took the bait and started dating him because you get off on feeling adored even if the person adoring you has a giant red flag tattooed to his face.

Your intention to take time off from dating was the one wise move you’ve documented in your note here, and I urge you to commit to that intention and make it a real thing. Find other ways of finding the thrill you seek when you are being chased by guys who are bonkers: take up rock climbing or skydiving or some other activity that provides a modicum of risk without sacrificing your emotional well-being.

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy​(AT)​dearwendy.com.

5 comments… add one
  • avatar

    dinoceros June 1, 2018, 10:11 am

    LW1: You don’t trust him. He doesn’t trust you. Both of you have good reason not to trust the other. He’s in love with someone else. There is no reason for you to be together. Nobody in a happy, healthy relationship looks back and says, “Remember when we first started dating and you were in love with someone else and I trusted you so little I snooped, and you trusted me so little you toted your ipad around to keep me from getting at it?”

    LW2: What Wendy said. Any situation where you have no idea who you should be with and are bouncing back and forth between two guys means that you don’t like either enough to sustain a real relationship. Your long-term relationship seemed to be winding down as you both were getting bored or something. This new guy is moving startlingly fast. You know, you don’t HAVE to be in a relationship if you don’t have any options that work for you. Forcing a relationship with someone just to be in a relationship doesn’t turn out well.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse June 1, 2018, 10:25 am

    I seriously can’t believe someone would date a man who proposed after one kiss. You know he’s likely tried that with other women, right? Are you that desperate for love and attention?

    It’s so funny how “quite complex and confusing”relationship issues generally always end up being the opposite.

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  • avatar

    Essie June 1, 2018, 11:39 am

    Sometimes when I read these letters, I feel like the lady in the commercial. “That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.” How is it possible that so many people don’t know what a healthy, happy relationship looks like? No idea. It’s like they’re aliens from a world where relationships don’t exist.

    Do they not know ANYONE who’s in a healthy relationship? Their parents? Aunts? Uncles? Friends? They’ve never seen a normal couple on TV or in a movie?

    LW1: Do you want a monogamous relationship? You’re never going to get that with this guy. If you don’t want to be with a man who’s in love with someone else, you leave. The other option is to continue being his sidepiece, getting whatever time and affection is left over from the other guy, until you hate him and hate yourself.

    LW2: You don’t want to be in a committed relationship with either of these guys. There’s nothing wrong with that. Break it off with both of them, and just live your life for awhile. Like @dinoceros said, you don’t have to be in a relationship all the time. It’s optional.

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  • avatar

    carolann June 2, 2018, 3:19 am

    LW1 The fact that he was sexting and “in love” with this other guy is emotional cheating even if he hasn’t been sleeping with him. (Of course, you don’t know if he has or not, cause obviously he can’t be trusted) Why would you want to be just a fill in while he can’t be with the person he wants to be with.? You deserve better and even if he claims to be in love with you, you won’t be able to stop worrying if the other guy is on his mind. Free yourself to find someone who is all yours. You won’t meet him while wasting your time on this guy.

    LW2 That wasn’t complex or confusing.
    Zzzzzzzzzz

    @Essie @dinoceros I have watched many friends who couldn’t be alone for two seconds allow themselves to be treated like crap by people they didn’t even really like, much less love just so they could say they had a SO. I find that desperate and pathetic. People like that need to get a life…literally.

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  • avatar

    RK September 24, 2018, 2:58 pm

    About the first letter, the gay guy who says his boyfriend is “cheating” on him.
    Okay gay guy. From one to another you know full well there is no such thing as “cheating” in the gay world. Theres just jealously or loving respect. You decide. And apparently you’ve chosen to be jealous. Stop it. Just stop it. Stop it now. You know that a relationship means that you’ve chosen to love and respect your partner. Period. There is no cheating. No whining. No jealously. You simply love and respect him. And you assume he is doing the same for you. Loving and respecting you. If you feel he is not loving and respecting you and you don’t wish to remain with someone who does not love and respect you, then you leave and move on. In a calm, friendly, nice way. You don’t buy his words that contradict his actions anymore. And you don’t give in to jealously, that petty petty vice. You continue to love and respect him by allowing him to move on in his own life. You don’t make demands, you don’t throw fits, you don’t act unkind in any way, you just detach and move on with your life and wish him well. You cry if you need to, and you move on. You don’t slam him with words to people he knows, you don’t judge him, you just move on because you also love and respect yourself. And for god’s sakes, quit snooping around his stuff. He should be able to lay every device he’s got right under your nose totally unlocked beeping constantly flashing all sorts of things about sex messages and whatever and you should pay no attention whatsoever, those things are none of your business and never will be. People are allowed to communicate with others in private at all times forever and not have to fear the husband, partner, wife, or anyone would peek at things that are none of your business. Remember I told you about jealousy? Well, this is how you know you’ve got a bad case of it and need to stop it. If you’re peeking or even just happening to see something, its jealously to mention it. Jealously is a terrible vice to subcumb to. Let him be him. Respect him always. Be kind,always. And if your home isn’t the place you want to live, move. Don’t whine about it. Be knd.

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