Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

Morning Quickies: “My Fiancé Secretly Sent Money to His Step-Daughter”

My fiancé, “John,” is 55 and he has a 26-year-old daughter with a former girlfriend who also had a daughter (now 30) from another relationship, both of whom the ex-girlfriend raised. After five years of our being together, I found out that recently John has been FaceTiming, texting, and carrying on conversations with the ex’s 30-year-old daughter on a daily basis. She will text him, calling him “hun,” and he just secretly sent her some money. He never talked about her until I found the messages in his phone. Now he makes a point to delete all their conversations. Every morning I see a text saying “Good morning hun how are you?”. What’s going on? Now I am seeing pics in his phone and he has told me she is his step-daughter, but I haven’t ever heard him talk about her before, and why is she calling him “hun”? — Suspicious Fiancée

She’s not his step-daughter (and if she really is, it’s all even weirder). Come on, now. If he’s having shady contact with a woman he’s never mentioned before – deleting messages, sharing pet names, sending money to her— the context of this relationship is completely suspect, and the red flags are waving fiercely in the wind. 2021 seems like a good time to cut ties with a liar and save yourself likely years of drama and conflict. Move on and be glad you didn’t marry the guy.

From the forums:

My ex-fiancé, whom I was with for eight months, cheated on me with his toxic ex and then dumped me in October 2020. He got engaged to his ex in January 2021 and got married a few days ago. What I don’t understand is why they didn’t get married when they were off-and-on again and only got married when I was in the picture. He had nine years to ask her to be his wife. He and I were supposed to be married in December 2020. It’s like a slap in my face. — Feeling Jilted

 

They’re addicted to the drama and your presence only fueled it for them, giving oxygen to flames of the inferno of their dumpster fire relationship. I know it hurts, and of course you have reason to feel resentful, but this isn’t about you at all. You were just a piece in their weird chess match – collateral damage, unfortunately. But you dodged a bullet, for sure. Imagine being married to a cheater who’s addicted to his ex and incapable of maintaining a functional relationship. Let yourself grieve the fantasy you had of him and your relationship together and the future you imagined, and then move on, with affirmation you are much better without this guy.

***************Follow along on Facebook,  and Instagram. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

4 comments… add one
  • avatar

    ArtsyGirl February 4, 2021, 1:03 pm

    LW1, OK even if this woman is his step daughter that he knew from the time she was at least 3 and he thinks about as a daughter, there are still major red flags that he is being secretive and shady about the relationship. Unless there are other extenuating circumstances such as you expressing dislike of him spending time and money on his biological child, you need to extricate yourself from this relationship. Dump him and move on.

    LW2, the whole situation sounds like drama. While it hurts, your ex and his wife clearly thrive on chaos and they pulled you into the situation. Honestly it all sounds like a whirlwind. You were unfortunately a rebound and he was sprinting you down the aisle less after less than a year of dating. Consider this a massive bullet dodged because if you had married this man, likely the relationship would have been doomed anyway.

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    • avatar

      000 February 5, 2021, 4:37 pm

      Frankly, their marriage (OP’s ex and the woman he had dated before) is also probably going to be a mess. The devil on my shoulder says to follow them both on social media and enjoy the show…but don’t do that, because it’s still too much investment.

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  • avatar

    Bittergaymark February 4, 2021, 1:46 pm

    LW1) I honestly can’t tell what’s going on here. The letter is too vague. It opens as if the LW always knew about the stepdaughter. But then it seems like she only came up recently… Are you insecure? Is he lying? Who knows from this vague inquiry.

    Why don’t you suggest the three of you meet for a nice dinner. That should clear up things real quick.

    LW2) Getting married after only 8 months? Yeah. You were Miss Rebound. Okay, okay… it sucks… but you dodged a bullet here. In the future, set a more reasonable pace.

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  • avatar

    Redgirl February 4, 2021, 7:45 pm

    LW1: I have two stepdaughters from my former marriage. I was married to their dad for 20 years and part of their childhood, so they will always be family to me. I just sent one of my stepdaughters my stimulus check because she lost her job and needs the money more than I do. So I clearly have a lot of respect for the stepparent relationship.

    But what your fiance is doing is super shady. It’s not that he communicates with his stepdaughter or even that he sends her money. It’s that he kept it a secret from you and is going out of his way to hide their interactions from you. That, coupled with the excessiveness of it all (Every day? I don’t even talk to my OWN adult child every day!) seems like a big red flag. My boyfriend knows about my interactions with my stepdaughters and when I help them financially. And I can’t WAIT until quarantine times are over so he can meet them in person. If your fiance isn’t equally eager for YOU to meet this stepchild he clearly cares about enough to talk to every single day, then his relationship with her is definitely not just one of stepdad-stepdaughter friendliness.

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