My daughter and I have a very close but respectful relationship. My girlfriend told me that it is inappropriate and uncomfortable for her to see and she won’t allow it in her house. I personally don’t see it this way. I think there may be some hidden issues on her part that makes her feel this way.
Any thoughts? — Dating Agitated
Your girlfriend definitely has some issues to work out, and I would protect yourself and, most importantly, your daughter from her in the meantime. Tell her that you found her remarks unacceptable and that, after thinking about it, you’ve decided you cannot continue seeing someone who sexualizes innocent and affectionate interactions between a father and daughter. Tell her you care about her and hope she works through whatever might be causing her to see perfectly normal and healthy interactions in such a depraved way, but that you won’t be around to support her through that process.
To make matters worse, he’s told my brother-in-law, at his wedding to my sister, that he still cared for me and would get back to together with me if he wasn’t worried abut how that would affect my freedom. I told him I didn’t want anyone but him, but it’s been a year. I’m tired of waiting, but I don’t want to ruin a chance to get back together with him.
What do I do? — Feeling Guilty
It’s a new year, my dear. Make it one in which you cut the bullshit and just go for what you want. You want the guy? He’s expressed interest in being back together with you? You still love him? Just freakin’ tell him already. If he bites, great. If he doesn’t, his loss. Either way, it’s time to move on with your life. This waiting around drama like you think it will prevent you from ruining your chance at getting together is silly. You’re either meant to get back together or you aren’t. (And, at the very least, making an attempt to get back together will clear your conscience for any future flirting or dating someone else if this guy rejects you.)
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
LisforLeslie January 4, 2019, 9:46 am
LW#1 – your (hopefully soon to be ex) gf has issues. Move on. You know her better than us, but if she’s vindictive or a zealot, she may call CPS.
LW #2 – what does that mean “he’s protecting your freedom”? What kind of manipulative bullshit is that?
Poppy January 4, 2019, 10:05 am
LW1 OMG yes, he should tread carefully. This women does have issues if she thinks there is something sexual about his daughters legs across his legs. She may also be jealous about the relationship he has with his daughter
(You know, one of those type of women)
JD January 4, 2019, 9:50 am
Ya the protecting your freedom thing sounded like crap to me too. I mean, if he says he wants to be with you and you with him then my thought is that it would have happened. People tend to break up for a reason and it’s pretty rare it works when you try again.
Poppy January 4, 2019, 9:58 am
I took the “protecting her freedom” as her telling him she wanted freedom to do as she pleases and him giving her the space to have that freedom without him being involved. Idk though. Sounds silly of you ask me. Of she os still in love and he is feeling the same way then make it happened. Rip it off like a bandaid. If he doesnt want her back then move on. Easier said then done but come on. New year new year.
Poppy January 4, 2019, 10:06 am
Mispelt words. Cant fix. Oh well.
TheHizzy January 4, 2019, 10:10 am
Yeah LW #1 need to drop the GF. She will never be comfortable with him sharing affections with his DAUGHTER in an appropriate way.
JD January 4, 2019, 10:19 am
Ya she has issues. My best friend has two daughters (now 21 and 19) and they constantly get in his big bed together to watch tv shows with ice cream. There is ZERO sexual about it. They are family and having hang out. Kids don’t even consider their parents private parts, I assure you, and if they do it is with an ick not sexual. This GF has to go. She has insane issues.
Northern Star January 4, 2019, 10:29 am
Everything everyone else said. LW 1’s girlfriend is a sicko, and he definitely needs to protect his daughter from her by dumping the woman immediately.
ron January 4, 2019, 11:50 am
She could well be a victim of sexual abuse by her own father.
Northern Star January 4, 2019, 12:04 pm
The girlfriend apparently thinks the daughter is having sexual feelings. Not that the father is preying on his child.
She’s a sicko.
Hannanas January 4, 2019, 2:08 pm
I think so too, Ron. At the very least sexual harassment. That’s the father-daughter dynamic she’s used too, it seems. Reversed roles or not. I feel very sorry for her.
Bittergaymark January 4, 2019, 2:33 pm
This strikes me as real reach… Some people are just batshit crazy and despise the children of their significant others. Hell, this is a recurring theme here in Dear Wendy and other websites…
PS — Even if she was molested. To project that behavior onto her hapless boyfriend is pretty damn twisted.
Poppy January 4, 2019, 3:31 pm
@hananas so exactly who would be the harrasser in this case then? The dad who allowed his daughter to prop her legs over his legs or the daughter. There is nothing indicating that the father is a predator or have predatory behaviors. There is nothing unusual by this. You dont even know his child’s age? To assume LW1 is sexual abusing his child is beyond reach.
Hannanas January 5, 2019, 2:53 am
All I’m trying to do, Poppy, is explain that people who have been abused or harassed by family members, or have seen it closeby, will see this pattern whether it’s there or not. Every little innocent thing between say father and daughter will become sexual to them and it messes with their relationships.
I’m not casting judgment on the LW at all, I’m saying his girlfriend could be projecting her own experiences. But maybe I’m wrong.
anonymousse January 5, 2019, 9:26 am
It’s not true that sexual abuse victims see this behavior that way.
Maybe some or very few see things this way, and it’s because they need to address their problems with serious therapy. Something is wrong in her brain that makes her think normal behavior is sexual.
And it’s one thing to have invasive thoughts like this, and quite another to act on it. She needs help. This is not normal behavior.
anonymousse January 5, 2019, 9:28 am
If this is the way abuse has affected her, she shouldn’t date men with children. Or quite honestly, anyone at all until she’s worked with a therapist.
Miss MJ January 4, 2019, 10:47 am
Yeah, break up with the GF, LW1. You don’t say how old your daughter is, and it really doesn’t matter. Either (1) your GF has weirdo jealousy issues toward your child and suspects she (and you, by implication, by the way) would be interested in incest, which is a relationship hard line; (2) has fucked up beliefs that attribute sexualized intent on behalf of all females in all physical interaction with men and shames them for it, which will severely damage your child if impressed upon her or (3) has other fucked up issues that severely impact her ability to be around you and your child that she needs to resolve. Doesn’t really matter which one it is. None of them are healthy for your daughter to be around. Your focus must on your daughter. MOA.
Bittergaymark January 4, 2019, 11:22 am
LW1) She sounds… not well. KHCATTC.
Kick Her Crazy Ass To The Curb! Seriously.
LW2). “Your freedom?” What exactly does that even mean? I’d say make a move already. But that language gave me pause somehow. MDN!
More. Details. Necessary!
csp January 4, 2019, 12:33 pm
LW1 – I would break up with her and just be as calm as wendy says. I agree that you need to watch for a CPS call. I mean, that is one hell of an accusation! And to blame your daughter that way. Just think what this woman could say to her down the road given the chance. Run away.
LW2 – Why did you put all those rules on this relationship? Why say “Don’t fall in love”. Was it that you are expecting to move or leave for school? It seems like a very odd thing to do.
Sapphire January 4, 2019, 4:04 pm
That lady is a fucking weirdo. I don’t know what is going on in her head, but I hope you break up with her.
anonymousse January 4, 2019, 4:57 pm
LW1: your gf has serious issues and you need to break up with her. She’s fucking crazy, to be honest. Stop seeing her now, before she reports you to CPS for whatever insane thing she cooks up.
LW2: What are you waiting for? Ask him out. Be frank with him.
If he keeps making excuses for reasons why he can’t date you, he doesn’t want to be with you. It’s really that simple.
MP January 4, 2019, 5:17 pm
Oh LW#1, please protect your sweet daughter and kick that jealous, twisted woman to the curb!
Rava January 7, 2019, 8:24 am
LW1, I gasped when I read your letter. Somehow I feel very sorry for your girlfriend, because she views perfectly normal behavior as sexual. It’s also so sad that her disgust seems to be… aimed at your daughter. If I ever got an icky feeling about a father-daughter-relationship when I was involved with said father, my suspicion would naturally be aimed at the father. So yeah, WEES. This woman got issues. But I feel more sorry for you. I cannot imagine being in a relationship and having that bomb dropped on you. I sure do hope you end things with her. It will be better for all three of you.