My husband will not cut his trip short as they play a “tournament,” so my sister is taking off work to take me. I am extremely hurt and angry. He says that if it were cancer, they’d have scheduled the surgery right away. This is not the first time he has chosen golf over me. This is the most critical time. I don’t know if I should leave him or not. He used to have a drinking problem, where he would lash out at me and say hurtful things. He hasn’t done that recently, but now he is gambling. I feel hopeless. — Left for Golf
Honestly, I think the alcohol problem, the lashing out at you saying hurtful things, and now the gambling are far worse offenses than his not cutting short an annual trip with his friends to take you to surgery when you have a sister who can take you and you could have chosen a different day for the surgery that isn’t a schedule conflict. If you have many chronic illnesses, your husband has probably felt a lot of strain over the years supporting you and I would bet this annual golf trip is something he really looks forward to to relieve stress and decompress a bit.
I would also bet he is not a stranger to your worrying that you have cancer. I don’t say that to dismiss your fear, and maybe I’m wrong and this is the first time you’re facing such a worry, but if you have a history of chronic illnesses, logically it would make sense that your husband has been through a lot of diagnostic tests and procedures with you and it’s ok if this one time your sister is by your side instead. If you get results right away and the news is bad, you’ll still have a strong support system with you and your husband will be there within 24 hours.
As for leaving your husband, I wouldn’t do so over this one offense, but if your husband has a history of blowing off what you consider important events and is generally unsupportive, then it’s probably time to consider whether you would be happier without him in your life. As I said earlier, the drinking problem and the lashing out at you, and now gambling, seem like bigger offenses. But they are all behaviors that can be addressed with counseling (both individual and couples counseling), which is definitely something I recommend if you’re to have any hope to get this marriage on a happier, more functional track.
This is honestly my dream man: smart, driven, kind, and passionate. I am bringing him home to meet my family this weekend and he seems genuinely excited about it, which makes me giddy. Theres one thing — the other day we were sitting together and he was showing me something on his phone when I noticed that his ex-girlfriend is his #1 best friend on snapchat! He’s talked about her before and how their relationship was toxic and how he was really hurt by the whole situation. I had no idea they still talked, and I don’t know how to bring it up without sounding like a crazy person that is stalking his phone. Help!! — “Crazy” For My Unicorn
Look, there’s nothing “crazy” about being interested in the friendships of someone you’re newly dating or seeking clarification over what seems like contradicting personal information. And if you’re ever with someone who makes you feel you’re “crazy” for seeking clarification – either by insinuating or explicitly stating so, consider that a great big red flag. What I would do if I were you is to say to this guy, without an accusatory tone: “Hey, the other day when you were showing me something on your phone, I noticed that your ex was your best friend on snapchat. I was surprised since you’d mentioned how toxic your relationship had been and how hurt you were by the situation. I’ve met so many of your friends and family now, but I wasn’t even aware she was still in your life, so it felt confusing.” And then see what his response is. Again, if he makes you feel crazy for bringing this up, consider that a red flag.
Something that gives me pause about your situation is that you only re-connected with this guy just over a month ago and you’re already saying that you’ve “met and become close with many of his friends and even some of his family.” Really? After a month of reconnecting with him, you’re already close with some of his friends and family? It takes time to build up a closeness with someone, let alone someone’s friends and family. It takes time to get to know someone — not just all these wonderful “unicorn” traits, but the flaws, too.
When you set someone up on a pedestal right out of the gate, he’s going to fall off because perfection isn’t sustainable. And you can’t create an insta-relationship in a matter of weeks either. What you can do in a few weeks is start to build a foundation, which is the phase you’re in. Learning more about his personal history and the people in his life who are important to him will hopefully strengthen your foundation, but if he acts shady about any parts of his personal history that potentially affect your relationship, take heed of the warning and proceed with caution.