However, it will be three years this March since she passed and he has refused to take me out to dinner for V-Day since. Do I have a right to be upset since it’s SO important to me? Or should I just pick my battles on this one and let him come back around to me when he’s ready for it? (I should add I’m always the one settling or being forced to give up when we bump heads.) – Not-So-Vibrant Valentine
I don’t know — maybe your husband is using his mother’s death as an excuse to get out of taking you to dinner when you’ve complained about dinner not being special enough for occasion like Valentine’s Day? Maybe he’s tired of the pressure being on him to make the day special. Maybe, if the day is so important to you and you’re so picky about what it is you do together (not a dinner and movie, which is what you do on every other date night), YOU should plan something for the two of you. That way you get to do exactly whatever it is you want to do, and he doesn’t have to worry about disappointing you with planning something you don’t like. And if what’s so important to you is that he does the planning and makes you feel special, save that shit for your birthday when the day’s about you. Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about expressing and celebrating love, and when you put expectations on how the love is conveyed and you’re more focused on how YOU are treated and celebrated and made to feel super special, it kind of sucks all the fun and good vibes out of it.
And if you’re feeling like you’re the one to always settle and compromise and give up, communicate that to your husband and ask him to work on that with you, but not in the context of Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day does not define the state of your union. A great one doesn’t mean your relationship is on track any more than a bad one — or an ignored one — indicates you’re doomed. Come on, you’re a grown, married woman. You talk about picking your battles? How you communicate or move forward after “bumping heads” is a battle to choose. What you do on Valentine’s Day is not.
He has since moved eight hours away for work, and we talk a lot about my coming to visit him and his coming to visit me. Basically, we have a long distance relationship without the title. Lately I’ve been feeling a weird vibe from him. My daily Snapchats and text messages from him have gotten few and far between, and I always have to be the one to request to Facetime with him. When we do Facetime, everything seems back to normal and he is his same goofy, flirty, amazing self. I guess my question is: Should I keep trying to make this “relationship” work? Or should I just go with the flow and allow us to drift apart like it seems we are doing? — Go With the Flow?
You don’t really have a relationship to “make work” though. He said that if timing were different, he’d make you his girlfriend (which, ew, like it’s all up to him?). Timing wasn’t different, you aren’t his girlfriend, quit acting like you are. You are friends who might be more if timing and distance didn’t affect things, but they do and you aren’t. He realizes this, which is why he isn’t pursuing you. I’d suggest you move on and enjoy your last semester of college. I think it would be good for you to have some college experience in which you are totally single and not attached to one guy. Go have fun — life gets complicated enough post-graduation without your making it so right now over a relationship that doesn’t exist.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.