She wants to be monogamous, which is fantastic. She says she won’t cheat on me either. The thing is, there is a logic I follow. My brain processes and accepts heterosexual relationships only. The difference is, in my head I understand that homosexuality is a thing, that it happens. I’ve come to accept people engage in it. I just don’t agree with it or see the need to agree with it, and if I accept her bisexuality, I feel it’s like saying I agree with it, which I don’t.
I like this woman a lot, but I feel hurt that she lied to me and blindsided me. But now we’ve invested time, effort, emotions, and feelings in each other, and I don’t know what to do. — Blindsided
I actually kind of get where you’re coming from: I acknowledge that there are bigoted assholes in the world. I understand it’s a thing, that it happens, that there are people who engage in bigotry and asshole-ishness. Thing is, I don’t agree with it, so I don’t befriend or date or marry bigoted assholes.
My advice for you: If you don’t share values with someone, don’t date that person. If you’ve already invested time, effort, and emotions before finding out you don’t share values, welcome to the damn club; that’s like 95% of what dating is. You spend time with someone, get to know him or her, and figure out if you’re a match. Most of the time you aren’t, and you go back to Tinder or whatever and keep swiping, wishing that people would just ADMIT that they are bigoted assholes or bisexual or whatever you aren’t into BEFORE you spend time developing emotions, but it doesn’t always work that way.
In short: MOA. This relationship isn’t going to work out, and if you are committed to your bigotry, then your investment of several months isn’t going to change that and you know it.
We do not live close to each other, so we don’t see each other often. When we visit, we usually share a bed, and he would cuddle with me all night, but we have not initiated intercourse at all. He seemed aroused on the few occasions when we have engaged in foreplay, but we have always stopped before it got to the “act” as we both have been afraid of losing our friendship.
He says that he cares about me very deeply, and, as I have state, we are extremely compatible in all other areas. I am very different from anyone he has been with in his past, and I have wondered if this has anything to do with it. He doesn’t want to change anything between us, which includes when we visit we sleep in the same bed cuddled up. He is still wanting us to make long-term decisions regarding investments in business and other ventures, but I don’t know what to do about it. — Invested
Yeah, I call total bullshit on your not wanting to ruin your “friendship.” What friendship? You only met recently, you live far apart, and you have unrequited feelings for him. There isn’t a friendship here to ruin. There is only the potential for a relationship, and even that doesn’t exist because there ISN’T potential for a relationship because this guy is not into you. Maybe he is grappling with his sexuality, unable to fully admit to himself he’s not into women. Maybe he’s hoping you’ll be cool with a sexless relationship. Maybe he’s just using you and your interest in him to further his business ventures. And, my GOD, whatever you do, do NOT make long-term decisions with this guy, ESPECIALLY regarding business investments and ventures.
Get your head out of the clouds or wherever it is, wake up, realize that this guy is NOT into you the way you are into him, that your relationship is inappropriate at best and exploitative at worst, and that this is absolutely, 100% not a friendship. MOA.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.