Well, Carlos and I got back together at the end of 2018 and we are still together. Now my problem is this: Ginger has a daughter and the daughter has a son whom Carlos got close to. I recently found out that he gave Ginger’s daughter money to help her out. The daughter got her own place a few weeks ago, and now Carlos goes around and hangs at the daughter’s home. He says he loves me and he knows where his family, time, and money are. He says in so many words that I shouldn’t have a problem with this because his relationship with Ginger is over forever. He says he wouldn’t have a problem with me talking to my ex. I don’t think that’s true because he went through my pictures on FB and expressed that he didn’t like that I had pictures of my ex when he doesn’t have pictures of Ginger posted. So I got rid of them. I don’t think he is right, but what do you think? And what should I do? — On Again
His relationship with Ginger may be over forever, but it sounds like his relationship with Ginger’s daughter is just heating up. There’s literally no reason for him to be financially helping this woman or to remain in her life. She’s the grown daughter of a woman he dated for a year and he’s back together with you, the mother of his child. Telling you that you shouldn’t have a problem with his ongoing, inappropriate friendship with this woman, and making you feel bad about the photos on your Facebook page, is classic gaslighting. This guy is bad news. Focus on maintaining a positive co-parenting relationship with him for your daughter’s benefit, but cut all romantic ties with him. He’s not good boyfriend material at all.
He then ignored me for a week, after which we went out to the movies (my treat in light of his grandfather passing). It literally felt like nothing had changed — he even held my hand accidently during the movies and let go multiple times. Then, after that, he became so mean to me when I called him on the phone, saying stuff like we were never going to get back together (in a joking manner), just doing everything that he knew would upset me, but stopping short of telling me not to call him ever again or hanging up the phone.
I then came up with a plan — I decided that I would contact him but only on Sundays to check in with him and that would be it. When I did that starting last week, he even asked how I was doing (shocker). This week I called him on Saturday, and he texted back that he was at work; I asked when he was getting off and he said late, and then I asked if he needed a ride and he said no and that he was ok. So I guess the point is at least he texted back and cared enough to tell me that he was at work instead of ignoring me completely. But then I called him twice and he never responded. I also sent him a gift of one of his favorite themes, but he never responded. What do I do? What are our chances? — Is There a Chance?
Yeah, he’s absolutely not interested in getting back together with you and he’s tried to tell you that in what he thinks is the kindest way, which you have read as a possibility that there’s a chance you two can work things out. There’s no chance of that. He really, really is not interested. You sound young and probably inexperienced when it comes to relationships, so please trust me — an older woman who knows what she’s talking about — you will only embarrass yourself if you try to push this. There’s no phone call schedule or gift or specific phrase or words that will win this guy back for you. He’s over it. You need to MOA.
P.S. If it’s truly a shock that someone you think loves you would ask how you’re doing, your relationship probably wasn’t as great as you think it was.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.