This was a deliberate attempt to make me feel awful. This stepdaughter-in-law was so overly sweet until she married my stepson. Then her true colors came out. My husband has a big family; everyone knows I was excluded. My husband and mother-in-law were furious about it at first, and then it was forgotten. My husband’s ex-wife actually asked me to sit with her if I had nowhere to sit—when she knew I wasn’t invited! I would have sat with my mother-in-law as we are very close.
I can’t let this go. If I had tried to pull something like this, my mother would have advised me not to start trouble. My husband adores this phony little witch. Her family has money, and my husband and his sons are fascinated by the family. I hate this girl. She hangs all over my husband, and it makes me sick.
I refuse to attend any family functions on his side if she will be present. This hatred and anger are eating me up! My husband tells me to get over it. I can’t. I want to hurt and embarrass her and her classless mother. I am at my wit’s end. I have several serious autoimmune diseases that are exacerbated by stress.
How can I stop this from destroying my marriage and mind? — Stressed Step-grandmother-to-be
I find it very hard to believe you were excluded from the baby shower “for no reason.” There was a reason. Your husband should be reaching out to his son to find out why you weren’t invited. I suspect you had to have some clue about where you stood with the stepdaughter before the shower though. You don’t go from being on ok terms to not being invited to her shower and saying you hate her and calling her a phony little witch.
Something else happened before the shower. You said or did something that upset her, whether you are aware of it or not (and I think you’re probably more aware than you’re letting on). Your husband should find out what that something is, and if you care about him, and if you care about your health, you will try to make amends and find a way to have a civil relationship with this woman.
Like it or not, she is a part of your family. Her child is going to be your husband’s grandchild. To have all this hatred and anger towards her, to the point that it’s eating you up and exasperating your autoimmune issues, isn’t normal or healthy. And it’s not all her fault. You are 50% of the relationship with her; you have to take some responsibility for the current state of it.
If you refuse to take any responsibility, and if you refuse to offer an olive leaf — an apology, a card telling her you’re wishing her an easy labor, an invitation to dinner at your home, anything to express a desire to be part of her life – for the sake of your marriage and your health, the price you will pay will be much, much greater than the humiliation of being excluded from a baby shower. You will get sicker, and your marriage will suffer. If you really cannot cope with the stress of having a family member you don’t get along with and you don’t know how or don’t have a desire to make things right with her, you need therapy (and before you ruin your life over a stupid baby shower you weren’t invited to).