Three quickies today:
The next morning there was an email waiting for me telling me she was uncomfortable with the “L word” so soon since she had just gotten out of a previous relationship. She went on to say she thinks it best for us not to see each other anymore. I called her and apologized for my outburst of feelings so soon. She told me that she felt no chemistry with me.
I emailed her the next morning to let her know I would still like being friends with her and that there would be nothing romantic to it. She responded fifteen minutes later with an email that I did not expect from someone who said there was no chemistry with us, as she said that she would think about it because she enjoyed being with me and enjoyed doing things with me. So what should I do at this point? — Feeling Chemistry
Accept that she is not interested in a romantic relationship with you, despite enjoying your company. She truly feels no physical chemistry with you, was likely turned off by your proclamation of love after what sounds like a few weeks, and didn’t want to lead you on further, knowing that your feelings for her were much stronger than what she was feeling for you. You suggested friendship with no romantic strings attached, and she told you she would think about it. I suspect that for you there WILL be strings attached — at least in terms of hoping she’ll come around — and I urge you to be honest with yourself about that and to move on if you don’t 100% believe you can have a totally platonic friendship with her and nothing else.
What will hearing the “L-word” give you that you don’t have now? Security in the relationship? A feeling that you two ARE on the same page and at the same stage in your lives? A sense that you’re moving in the same direction? Your boyfriend has told you he doesn’t feel love yet. It’s been over a year that you’ve been together. It’s reasonable that you would feel some concern about whether you’re on the same page. I would focus on that, rather than the actual word/expression of love itself. You mention your ages: Where do you see yourself in five years? Are you thinking about marriage? Parenthood? Is he? Discussing these issues may give you the clarity you’re after — much more than waiting indefinitely to hear the “L-word.” After all, someone can say “I love you” and it doesn’t change much. I suspect you’re craving a change – a move forward. Decide what that looks like for you in a practical, tangible sense, and discuss with your boyfriend whether he’s feeling the same way.
Because he can! You’ve totally enabled him to have a no-strings-attached sexual relationship with you in which he can simply disappear between sex sessions (whether on the phone or in person at your place) and he doesn’t even have to text in between. All he has to do is reach out when he’s horny and you’ll give him what he wants. Stop doing that. Instead of answering his text when you’re trying to move on and then reigniting your “relationship” again, just keep moving on.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.