Yours sincerely — To Be Married In Muncie
I don’t know if you made a typo or what, but you’ve been dating for almost thirteen years, and before that you were “on and off”? Dude, if you haven’t figured out by now whether you’re financially compatible, I don’t know that seeking more profitable employment is going to do the trick. It sounds like maybe you’re just looking for excuses to continue delaying marriage with this woman? Or maybe you are nervous she’ll say no and are trying to head her off at the pass before that happens? But, look, if you’ve been managing to support yourself all these years without her help and she’s been managing to support herself all these years without your help, you two getting married isn’t going to suddenly financially break you. Or maybe you are thinking about having children and worried that you two, together, don’t make enough money to support kids, which is a reasonable concern and one you should discuss with your girlfriend. Bottom line: the decision to marry should be a joint one. If you want to be the one to pop the question, great. And if your girlfriend shares some of your anxieties about finances, you two can discuss what affect that will have on planning your future together. (By the way, make sure to share your idea about moving to your parents’ farm as a Plan B; your girlfriend may not share your view about that being a great alternative.)
Your girlfriend’s relationship with her now-deceased boyfriend is part of who she is, and you can’t erase her past, nor should you want to. Those memories she has are sacred and special and will always be with her. They don’t detract from her feelings for you or the memories you’re making together, just as your past doesn’t take away from the feelings you have for your girlfriend. But if your girlfriend is truly always talking about her boyfriend, it may be a sign that she is still actively grieving him and processing her loss — you don’t say how long ago he passed away — and maybe not ready yet to “begin a new life” with you. Love is patient, and you need to be as well.
Um, both of you, for having an affair while she’s living with another man.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.