Shortly after returning, I updated my profile picture. This led to a male group admin, “John,” DMing me to tell me he liked my new picture. I thanked him and let it go, but a few days later he asked a question via DM and we started chatting. I wanted to believe it was innocent, as we were both married with kids. John’s wife was even part of the Facebook group.
However, friendly quickly turned flirty, flirty to sexting, and eventually we had cybersex. I quickly realized how foolish and selfish I was being and broke things off a few days later. My husband was suspicious, so I told him the truth and we have been working at strengthening our relationship and communication.
My question is, should I tell John’s wife? My husband read some of our early exchanges and felt this was something John may have done many times. I’d hate to mess up their relationship if he was just like me and the only thing that ever happened was that he spent a month chatting with someone and never touched them or saw them naked (though we did exchange a few suggestive photos). I’d also hate to think this might be something he does regularly and I could warn his wife. Do I give her a heads up or let her figure things out on her own? — Cruised Online
No, it’s not your place to warn John’s wife about behavior you have little idea is chronic or that his wife doesn’t already know about or even condone. Let it go and be grateful that your husband is as understanding as he sounds, that this flirtation didn’t go any further, and that you hopefully learned a lesson before too much damage was done to your marriage. As you said, now that your husband knows the truth — and good for you for being honest about what was going on! — you have an opportunity to strengthen your relationship and work on whatever made you give into the temptation of an exciting distraction from John.
By the way, if you never saw this guy naked, I guess cybersex doesn’t mean what I thought it does…
I don’t think you can leave someone who’s already left you. I know that, after 42 years, it must be heartbreaking and infuriating to be essentially abandoned, but is there any part of you that can find some relief in the situation? If your sickly husband whom you’ve been caring for all these years has moved out, you are no longer responsible for him. Is it possible that’s even part of his motivation? At any rate, you need to discuss with him how you will not continue your marriage in this way and if it’s his wish to live his life like a young, unattached bachelor, with no regard for you or his health concerns, then you want a divorce. I would consider selling the big house and downsizing to something more physically and financially manageable, and definitely think twice about whether you’re willing to be your husband’s Power of Attorney if you divorce, especially if you think you’re going to get anything from him in return because you likely will not.