A few weeks go by and his roommate hits me up on snapchat. At first, I didn’t know I was talking to Joe’s roommate But then I saw him on his roommate’s snapchat story. I told his roommate that Joe and I had hooked up, and to my surprise his roommate doesn’t care at all. So we actually hooked up recently. I have this honesty pact with Joe. We tell each other everything. We’re very open with each other, which is why I wonder if I should tell him I hooked up with his roommate. but Joe is a moody guy sometimes, so I don’t how he’ll take it. His reaction could be that he doesn’t care or he might mad at me and end our friendship. Should I be honest like always and tell him or should I take this one to my grave? He’s also been avoiding me for two weeks now. He walks past me at work and doesn’t say anything or look my way. — Take it to The Grave?
Yeah, so you and Joe aren’t friends. He used you for sex, led you on (although I don’t know how you can call it that when he preceded the leading you on by telling you he only wanted to focus on himself) and for two weeks he’s been walking past you at work without even acknowledging you. That isn’t how friends behave – at least not friends you have to be so concerned about sharing your secrets with. And, anyway, Joe probably already knows that you hooked up with his roommate – it would explain why he’s been suddenly ignoring you at work. But if you’re looking for a sign that he’s bothered by this news – that he’s jealous, maybe – in hopes that it may indicate some feelings for you, don’t hold your breath. If the guy had feelings for you, he would have taken you up on your implicit invitation to pursue something more than a casual hook-up. He didn’t, and he doesn’t (have feelings, that is). You need to MOA – from Joe AND his roommate.
So basically he would choose her over me. That’s how I took it anyway. I caught him texting her about six months ago and we broke up for a couple months over that. Even though he says it was nothing. My question is: Should I just end the relationship because I’m second choice? That’s how I feel anyway. And I hate it. Or do I stick it out and become the woman he ends up loving more, maybe?
Thank you so much for any input. — Second Choice
Also, no, he’s not telling you you’re second choice. He’s telling you he’ll always have love for his ex whom he was with for six years. The fact that you feel, after a year, that you don’t measure up and that you aren’t his first choice is reason enough to MOA. The fact that in the year and a half you’ve been together you’ve already broken up for a couple months and are contemplating it again is reason enough to MOA. And the fact that this is the THIRD time in one year’s time that you’ve written for advice about the same guy is, in accordance with DW law, reason to MOA. Period.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.