From the forums:
You are within reason to ask him to help pay the extra fee and he is within reason to be a dipshit and tell you it’s all your responsibility and you are within reason to say, “Fuck that,” and call off moving in together. This is a red flag and a big warning sign of what your future with this guy could look like. When a partner can’t imagine financially contributing to something that benefits both people — like this apartment fee, for example, or birth control, as another example — it does not bode well in the long-term. This is someone who is looking out for himself first. He’s the kind of guy who, if you were planning a weekend getaway, would ask you to drive because he wants to nap and then tell you he’s not going to pay for the gas because it’s your car you’re taking.
If you don’t break up with him over this, I hope you will at least proceed with caution. Renew your lease and explain to your boyfriend that you aren’t comfortable paying an extra $100 a month simply because he wants you to move in with him on his timetable. If he’s still interested in living with you when your lease is up next year, you can talk then, but for now you’re going to renew your lease and stay put for at least twelve more months. That should be enough time for you to see some more red flags, which I predict your boyfriend will proudly wave in your face at some point.
This is the first time that my mom and I have ever disagreed on something and the first time that I’ve spoken out about my opinion and she didn’t take it well. I am the baby of the family so I’m thinking maybe part of her isn’t ready to accept that I want to start a life on my own. She likes my boyfriend a lot and he gets along with my whole family. She just doesn’t want us moving in together and, once she has decided something, she also dictates how the rest of the family should feel as well. In the end, it is my decision and I will probably move in with him. I just can’t seem to figure out a way to do so peacefully or without seeming like a disobedient daughter. — Not a Disobedient Daughter
Don’t move in with your boyfriend. Not yet. At your age there’s so much that can change and evolve, and you would benefit greatly not only from having your own space to escape to but also from being more easily able to end things if the relationship suddenly goes south. There’s also a lot to be said for fostering a little independence, especially if you think this guy is the one you want to spend your life with. Moving in with someone at your age, with literally zero experience living on your own, and then letting him pay for everything, sets up a very unhealthy precedent of dependence and power imbalance. Instead of moving in with him, stay in the dorms another year or find a roommate to share an apartment with close to campus. You can continue spending most of your time with your boyfriend, while establishing some independence and maintaining a strong relationship with your family.
If you are dead-set on moving in with your boyfriend, you’ll need to accept that there will be consequences. One of those consequences will be disappointing your mother. I predict that won’t be the worst consequence. Before you make this potentially bad decision, I urge you to read this post I wrote on the 15 things every couple should do before moving in together. Couples twice your age have referred to that post and for good reason. This is an adult decision with adult consequences. If you can’t even figure out how to deal with a disappointed mother, I wonder how you’re going to navigate some of the bigger consequences that will arise when two people share an address.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].