Two quickies, one column this morning. Read on:
I want to believe him, but the fact that he cheated on me when we were younger doesn’t really let me trust him. Also, I’m worried as to how he’ll react when the baby is born, like if he will change, start interacting more with his ex on another level rather than just co-parenting, etc. Should I give him another chance? — Natural Pessimist
Nope. I mean, sometimes people can reconnect after years apart and reignite a healthy and happy relationship, but I don’t see that happening here. It sounds like there’s still unresolved anger and bitterness on your part over the way your ex treated you five years ago, and you say can’t really trust him. Plus, I don’t consider a guy abandoning a girlfriend who is three months pregnant, vowing to have nothing to do with her other than co-parenting their child once it’s born, and then almost immediately reaching out to an ex-girlfriend he cheated on and lied to and abandoned years earlier the picture of maturity or emotional evolution. He sounds like a hot mess, to be honest, and someone who’s looking for a distraction from the responsibilities and challenges he’s created for himself. MOA and leave this guy in the past where he belongs.
My boyfriend has become really feminine and I’m uncomfortable with it. (There’s nothing wrong with feminine guys; I’m just attracted to masculine men). He isn’t wearing make-up, but he dances like a girl, moves like a girl, poses in pictures like a girl, and wears clothes that scream “gay,” just to name a few things. I’m losing my attraction towards him and it sucks. I don’t want to break up with him because I do love him, but how can I be in a relationship with someone whom I’m no longer attracted to? He knows how I feel and doesn’t care, even going out of his way to make me mad on purpose by acting overly feminine. I want him to be himself, but, if this is truly how he is, I don’t think I can stay around too much longer. What should I do? — Not Into Femme Guys
If you’re no longer attracted to your boyfriend and he’s shown no interest in making himself more attractive to you — apparently going out of his way to “act overly feminine” to “make you mad” — then I don’t see how or why you should stay with him. It is curious though that this identity seems to have taken hold since you two started dating. Was he at all femme before? Has this been a natural, if fast, progression through the two years you’ve been together, or does it seem he’s done a 180? Regardless, I really doubt he’s embraced this more feminine identity/appearance just to bug you. More likely, he is either “trying it on,” or coming to the realization that this identity feels authentic to him. If he’s acting like he doesn’t care how you feel, that may be a defense mechanism as he processes the idea that the man he loves doesn’t love the identity he feels is his true self.
At any rate, you need to sit down and talk with him about whether his recent femme identity is one he feels truly represents him. Withhold your judgment, but do be honest that the aesthetic is not one you’re attracted to and, while you support him being himself, it may mean that the two of you are better off as friends than romantic partners.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.