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Well, it’s easy to understand why this revelation is something he didn’t share with you for such a long time, but have you thought about why he did finally tell you about his history with hookers? My guess is he loves you and wants to know you love him and accept him wholeheartedly. One of the ways we gauge others’ acceptance of us is when we share — either purposefully or not — what we consider our darker sides or the things about ourselves we’re most ashamed of. If we show each other those parts of ourselves and we’re accepted anyway? Well, that’s a wonderful feeling. It’s certainly worth making ourselves vulnerable.
So, I wouldn’t necessarily see your boyfriend’s revelation as a red flag, ALL, particularly if he is a respectful, sensitive guy you’ve grown to trust in the year you’ve been with him. I would see this, instead, as an opportunity for discussion and a chance to grow closer together. If his admission unsettles you, talk to him about it. Tell him you’re happy he trusted you enough to open up, but that you aren’t sure exactly how the information makes you feel. Give him a chance to explain himself. And give yourself the opportunity to ask the questions you’ve probably been silently mulling over. The answers to those questions will help you decide whether your boyfriend’s past is going to stand in the way of a future together.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at email@example.com.
TheOtherMe2011 February 3, 2011, 4:32 pm
I think if it was me, I would want to find out the reasons for him sleeping with ( two ) prostitutes before making judgement.
It’s not really any of your friend’s business unless you really want their opinion. I think you need to find out which part actually bothers you, is it the fact that he paid someone for sex, that maybe he has specific desires that he feels he cannot experience with a loving partner or something else ?
I think only after you find out you will be able to see more clearly if you are comfortable with this “past” situation and move on with the relationship.
cdj0815 February 5, 2011, 12:28 am
I would ask him why did he choose to sleep with two prostitutes, does he still feel the need to do this, and did he use protection.
Tida January 17, 2017, 3:54 am
come on women… do you understand why million of prostitutes around the world and mostly married man looking for it, most of the man do find hookers, the one that don’t find hookers he must be the liar one. BE open, let your husband have sometime to release out the stress and or because man are pigs, admit that, it is natural, so your relationship will work out better. ask your husband to use condom properly lolz.
AnitaBath February 3, 2011, 4:44 pm
I’m not condoning sleeping with prostitutes, but I also think the circumstances really matter. Was he with some buddies, overseas where prostitution is legal, and did it when he was in his teens? Was it only a couple months ago and he just found some sixteen-year-old sex worker on the street of his hometown? Was he in a different place in his life? Would he do it again?
bitter gay mark February 3, 2011, 4:47 pm
I’m with Wendy on this one. Ladies, guys view sex VERY differently than most of you do. It is simply not the end all be all emotional thing that it apparently is for many women… (I base this statement on reading all the comments on the recent column about how many sex partners is too many…) Frankly, if I were the LW I would definitely NOT share this with her friends — HELL NO! — as they will most likely all freak out and carry on and hold it against both her and him, I suspect. Look, at some point almost every guy has had “meaningless” sex with somebody. (Frankly, I would also say that any guy who claims otherwise is most definitely LYING, too.) At least if the boyfriend was going to treat somebody like a whore, she actually was a whore and actually got paid for her time. In fact, I would be far less concerned about a guy chosing to use a paid professional once or twice — than some other guy with dozen or so of unpaid notches in his belt as think of all the women who were probably left thinking at the time that it did, in fact, mean something…
MissDre February 3, 2011, 5:03 pm
Are you going to become one of Wendy’s guy writers? LoL! Sometimes women can use the frank advice that comes from the mind a man!
bitter gay mark February 3, 2011, 5:11 pm
Hah! Actually, I am hoping to do just that. I emailed Wendy and she sent me a very prompt response with some sample questions to chose from… So, here’s to hoping I answer them is a manner that she feels will benefit her readers. 🙂
Maracuya February 3, 2011, 5:25 pm
Woo, BGM! 🙂 You always come up with interesting viewpoints; I’d be excited to read anything you write.
bitter gay mark February 3, 2011, 5:35 pm
Thanks. And in the future there will hopefully be far less typos in my posts! Sorry, everybody — I am trying to multitask today… But the REAL culprit is that this new (otherwise fabulous) Dear Wendy site doesn’t allow you to DELETE your own posts. See, I got into the habit of posting my thoughts — seeing them onscreen — fixing any errors, deleting, and then reposting. Can’t do that here… No big deal, but I do need to learn to be much more careful. No first drafts here… 🙂
Wolvie_girl February 4, 2011, 8:56 am
Amen BGM! I try to sneak in posts here and there throughout the day at work, and my fast typing leads to too many typos as well!
allie June 14, 2011, 9:03 pm
though i respect your views, i don’t agree with them, but that’s just me. who’s to say that a woman who sleeps around is a whore? if she’s doing it for her own pleasure whats the big deal? i don’t agree with prostitution, sorry but i just don’t. women have meaningles sex too believe it or not, we are a alright with one night stands or not being monogamous. so i would actually rather a man sleep with women he didn’t know or really care about because it makes it more even to me, because she’s in the same situation as him, she just wants to get off! prostitution it imply’s the stereotypes that women are just objects to buy and use for men, or its all about the man sexually who cares about the woman!it makes them not sexual beings(as a one night stand would have them, but sexual objects to just throw money at and they will sleep with you under certain conditions) thats just how i feel. i think if he felt remorseful for it, then i would get past it, but if he didn’t obviously our morals wouldn’t coincide and i would break up. i know that sounds horrible and evil, but i want somebody who has the same values and morals as me, but she seems different though so who knows.
Maracuya February 3, 2011, 4:58 pm
I’m inclined to agree. My knee jerk reaction would be, “Prostitutes = bad!!” But in reality, it’s more gray than that. Would he do it again? Was he feeling lonely? Was it recent? I’d prefer that whoever I was dating should feel like sex is something more than just a physical act; maybe that’s what the LW might think in connection to this. (Sorry, BGM.) I can’t read tone either, but if it seems like he was just getting this off his chest and he seems to really be the sweet and respectful guy you knew, I wouldn’t be so hard on him. Most people have something in their past they’d rather not admit.
bitter gay mark February 3, 2011, 5:06 pm
Maracuya: Oh, I agree. And I think that most guys do eventually — especially once they are getting serious about relationships — reach a point where they view sex as most than just a physical act. That said, I do think men are hardwired in a way that makes it especially easy for them not to do so, especially when they are young… There is a lot of missing info to this letter. When did this happen? Etc. That said, my main point was that if the guy was looking for a one night stand — at the time — then the fact that he simply paid somebody for her services rather than fed her a crock of bull to get in her pants simply isn’t something I would hold against him.
honeybeegood February 3, 2011, 5:41 pm
I absolutely see this as a red flag- not because of “meaningless sex” which many people, male and female, do not see an issue with. This is a red flag to me because sex work in the US, and in other countries has so many shades of gray.
I would argue there are two different kinds of sex workers in the US, the 2nd group being further broken into two categories. The first category are women who enjoy sex, and enjoy being paid for it- the “high class call girls” fall into this category. This is the only circumstance when I personally would maybe view things in a good light. If this was the type of woman he paid did he view it as a service (as one would view a massage,) or did he view it as buying HER. If it was the latter it would definitely bother me that my bf viewed women, some or all, as objects to please him.
The second group of sex workers are women who do not want to be prostitutes. The can be broken into two categories- women who are literally forced into prostitution- being trafficked or pimped. I consider it rape when men “pay” these women for sex. Usually they’re not even paying the women, but another person. The women have no agency and no way to say no. If any other women were threatened in order to have sex we would call that rape, and rightfully so. These women are no different. This group also includes women who don’t want to be doing sex work, but feel they have no other choice because of circumstances in life. Maybe they’re trying to keep a roof over their head or their kids heads. Maybe they’re trying to keep themselves or their family members fed. Maybe a number of things. Either way, I would view a man visiting this type of sex worker as someone who was selfish enough to take advantage of someone’s bad situation.
I actually have no problem with sex work if all the parties involved are truly consenting adults and view the exchange as a very fun service. There are just too many shades of gray to automatically sweep it under the rug as just a mistake someone made. It may sound harsh, but a decent analogy is murder. If you killed someone that was about to kill an innocent person that makes you a hero- in just about any other case it makes you a really really bad person.
Obviously this is just my 2c, but I would talk to my bf and then really think about whether his morals and values matched up with mine.
expert dabbler February 4, 2011, 9:54 am
THIS. I totally agree with you. This would throw up all kinds of red flags for me because it concerns me when a man views a woman as commodity to be bought, not because of the meaningless sex part.
fast eddie February 3, 2011, 6:59 pm
Perhaps because I’m much old then most of you I don’t see it as more then it happened one (or two) nights in a galaxy far, far away. When I was in my 20s sex of any kind outside of “marriage” wasn’t as acceptable as it is today. On a half dozen occasions my hormones screamed and there was literally no option being in the military overseas and Ms Palm was a bit shy about servicing me while living in a barrack (dorm). The commode stalls didn’t even have doors . It’s not that I’m ashamed of what I did but it’s not something I want to bring up either. Like Wendy said sweetie, thank him for telling you, and tell him how you feel about it, but I don’t know of any guy that didn’t use a pro at some point in his life and I mean millions of horny duds. Let this bit of history fade into oblivion dear. The keepers are few and far between.
Spark February 3, 2011, 7:44 pm
Sorry, but it’s a dealbreaker for me! It just says something about his character. Paying for it changes everything.
fast eddie February 4, 2011, 7:51 am
We all pay for it one way or another.
Wolvie_girl February 4, 2011, 10:20 am
Spark, don’t apologize for having deal breakers! I know several people have “thumbed down” your comment, but I think you’re completely justifed! It’s not judgemental or wrong to have things that you simply will not accept in a relationship. I would rather be alone than with someone who wasn’t right for me!
fast eddie February 5, 2011, 9:36 am
You make a good point Wolvie, we all have standards and Spark has every right to her’s even if I don’t agree with them. At some point in a relationship our past indiscretions may come to light. Little Lost’s guy should have considered her feelings before telling her about his. At the same time he was perhaps bearing his soul to her to avoid drama later. He could have never mentioned it and avoided the issue altogether. Hopefully our varied comments will help her make a decision whether he’s worth letting it go or not.
GutRow July 9, 2013, 12:49 am
Men that lie about serious issues like this to gals they claim to love are more despicable than men that pay for sex like womens bodies are vending machines. My bf paid for sex before me and it’s something I have a hard time with but I am SO glad he told me the truth despite my disgust. If I had found out any other way I would let my redheaded anger loose like Valhalla’s never seen.
ArtsyGirly February 3, 2011, 8:03 pm
Kim Iverson, a radio personality, had a question from a listener recently regarding a woman who found out that her BF was visiting massage parlors when he was on business trips (aprox. 3 -4 times a year). The BF was arguing that it wasn’t cheating because it was purely for sex and really had nothing to do with the woman i.e. he just needed a ‘happy ending’.
The LW’s situation is better because her BF isn’t currently paying for sex, but still my knee jerk reaction is complete discomfort. Not only are American sex workers disenfranchised members of society there is a constant worry of disease and abuse at the hands of pimps or johns. I guess if it turns out he was in Nevada and went to a legal brothel there I would be more ok with it since they are routinely tested and protected by the government. LW my only advice is to sit down with you BF and get more info before you decide – also do go and get tested.
AnitaBath February 4, 2011, 9:23 am
Random, but Kim Iverson annoys the hell out of me. Every time I listen to her show and some of the advice she gives, I’m like, “WTF! Someone give this girl Wendy’s number!”
Wendy February 4, 2011, 9:55 am
She has my number! Or, had my number. I was actually a guest on her show once! It was right after my wedding in 2009 and I was talking about something I wrote on The Frisky on the 20 things woman should do before marriage. I can’t speak for whether she’s annoying or not — I’m not a regular listener — but I can say she was the nicest interviewer I’ve worked with.
Wolvie_girl February 4, 2011, 9:52 am
I know this is beside the point and doesn’t really pertain to the LW since his professional lovin happened before they dated but:
The claim that it’s not cheating b/c “it’s just sex and really has nothing to do with the woman” is total bullshit! If he just needs a “happy ending” he can do that for himself. You don’t pay for it because you need a release, you pay for it because you want another woman there. Having sexual relations with a person other than your SO is CHEATING!
Yes men and women view sex differently, yes men are more visual/physical while women are more emotional/mental. But guess what, that’s not a free pass to cheat! Be a real man, show some character and control your urges rather than let your urges control you.
I’ve said my peice, I can move on now!
Maracuya February 4, 2011, 7:00 pm
^What she said.
That’s WAY out of line, to go have “happy endings” while you’re dating someone? If it were me? Instant break-up. Now you can go to massage parlors more often, I guess it all works out.
vizslalvr February 3, 2011, 8:15 pm
My fiance has had sex with a prostitute while studying abroad in the Netherlands at the age of 18. He’s a sensitive, sweet, respectful, hilarious, amazing man and I wouldn’t change one damn thing about him. At first, I was a little taken aback because it just seemed out of character – he obviously hasn’t had a problem getting laid and he obviously respects and values women. The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized it had very little bearing on his character and personality years later (especially considering he’s made trips back in the interim and refrained from paying for sex).
Speaking as someone who has been in the OP’s position about two ago (and my fiance told me after we knew each other for a couple of months!), let it go. If this is the only “red flag” that you’ve come across, it’s not a red flag. It’s just a piece of his history. I’m sure you did things in your past (sexual or otherwise) that might make some people raise an eyebrow, but that doesn’t make you an immoral person or someone who can’t have a healthy, long term relationship.
princesspetticoat February 3, 2011, 8:40 pm
I know I’m falling victim to stereotypes but when I think prostitute I think of a gross, not attractive, disease-ridden woman. The idea that a guy would want to PAY for that baffles me.
And maybe high school sex ed stuck with me because this is a situation where the idea that “you sleep with everyone your partner has slept with” is particularly revolting.
demoiselle February 3, 2011, 9:58 pm
Years ago, my first boyfriend was an older guy who had been in the Navy. Early on, he confided that while in the Navy he had regularly used prostitutes. I was appalled, but told myself that he was right in that it was a long time ago, he was young, he had never had a girlfriend or a relationship and feared he never would…
But the image of the prostitutes haunted me, and comments that he made bothered me a lot–that he’d never used a prostitute in the USA (and I thought–great, instead he used ones who were probably had fewer options, or were underaged or virutally enslaved). Or he’d talk about how it really wasn’t bad, because he’d been nice to the girls, and liked to imagine he was their boyfriend. Despite his intelligence and understanding of the world, he was unable to separate out his fantasy from when he was 19-22 from the reality of those women’s lives which at 33 he must have understood.
I felt really guilty for holding his past against him. But eventually, the relationship turned sour. I realized that he routinely used women–he’d used his ex-girlfriends for money, and he was using me, too. He felt entitled to what I had because he wanted it, because it fulfilled his fantasy for his life. And he became abusive to me. Eventually we broke up.
I wish that I’d listened to my bad feeling when he first told me about the prostitutes. In the end, it was not the FACT that he used prostitutes at 19 or 21 when he was in the Navy. It was the attitude he betrayed when talking about the experience: his inability to truly empathize with women or to distinguish between his fantasy and their reality. He was a good actor. He talked a good talk about having learned from the past, and like many abusive people very charming and seemingly generous and kind, especially at the beginning. But when I wasn’t able to fulfill his fantasy, or wasn’t willing to fund his lifestyle, he really resented it. I was lucky to get out a year later only somewhat emotionally wounded and having lost under $2000.
This does NOT seem like the LW’s situtation. However, I post my story because at 23 I bought the common wisdom that things that happen in the past should stay in the past, and I ignored the bad feeling in my gut. If I had listened to his REAL attitude (not the platitudes, but the lack of empathy etc), I would have discovered much sooner that this man had no problem USING WOMEN, and not just sexually.
I wish I had heard from someone I’d consulted, at the time, that my strong reaction/upset MIGHT be due to something I was picking up on, and not just irrational jealousy or prudishness. Thus, I am posting this comment for any reader who might be in MY position, rather than the LW’s.
Wolvie_girl February 4, 2011, 10:01 am
I agree, Demoiselle, that you can’t alwasy rely on “leaving the past in the past”! I too was in an abusive relationship. I, like you, was also lucky enough to get out early, when the first signs of his emotional abuse became physical, but I had ignored my gut feelings of unease when I learned things about his past that later turned out to be red-flags. I thought, he was only 18, just a kid, he’s so much older and more mature, I’ll let it go. Boy do I wish I hadn’t let it go! It is my experience that you should listen to your gut…if something feels wrong, it probably is, and at the very least you should try to figure out why you feel uncomfortable with someting and if you’re willing to work through it.
demoiselle February 4, 2011, 1:39 pm
Thank you for the positive feedback–both you, Wolvie_girl, and those who gave thumbs-ups to me. I have never posted about this aspect of my relationship with my ex, and was concerned that people would take it the wrong way or blast me for my warning/call me a prude/blame me for things going badly.
blondchick February 3, 2011, 10:29 pm
I can relate to this one. My current boyfriend admitted to losing his virginity to a prostitute overseas when he was in the military years ago. He said this before we even officially became a couple, and while I felt a bit surprised at the time, knowing the circumstances surrounding the situation really helped. I found myself being grateful that he trusted me enough to tell me this. He has since then told me that my openness and acceptance is one of his favorite things about me. If you feel uneasy at still, I agree that you should discuss your concerns and questions with him in a calm manner. A good, respectful conversation will actually help your relationship grow.
Jess February 4, 2011, 3:32 am
I live in europe, and its super common here. I guess its different here bc its regulated (must use condoms/prostitutes go to the doctor once a week).
DS February 4, 2011, 7:52 am
I wonder if he has been STD tested, and if the LW has been also. The relationship aspect is one part of this issue, the other is health related.
As one commenter above stated, there may be different “classes” of prostitutes, however all of them have sex with many people and even if it was with protection, better safe than sorry. He may be a great guy, but you both should get tested since he could have something he doesn’t even know he has.
baby.blanka February 4, 2011, 10:45 am
This was my first thought! I was surprised that no one else mentioned it!
I would definitely get tested… and then listen to Wendy’s advice… in that order.
fast eddie February 4, 2011, 8:14 am
The bigger concern within this discussion is the disease and infection issue. Eons ago I had unprotected sex with prostitutes and was infected twice, treated and recovered. A decade later during the sexual revolution of the 70s and having a lot of partners I was infected again and notified all 3 of my recent partners who had to pass on the alert to their other contacts. I think there were more then 20 of us in that tree of love.
Emma February 4, 2011, 8:51 am
I agree with wendy. If this guy is who u say he is, ask ur questions, contemplate the answers and ur gut feeling and take it from there. And I also do not think u should speak to ur friends about it, b/c that will cause more trouble then it is worth. But I do agree with gettin tested for STDs b/c it is a rampant problem.
evanscr05 February 4, 2011, 9:41 am
Shocking? Absolutely. Dealbreaker? Not necessarily. I agree with Wendy…do not tell your girlfriends. After being together for a year, presumably you and your boyfriend are at a place in your relationship where you can share your most intimate secrets with each other, and it appears he has done so. Talk to him about how you feel, but in a way that doesn’t make him feel guilty about a decision he made years ago. Find out why he did it, and why he chose to tell you. The only thing that would concern me with something like this is disease. If he never got tested after being with these women, I would be upset to learn if he had some kind of STD and possibly passed it on to me. Talk to him, get tested if you need to, and then move on. No point in dwelling on the past. All that will do is cripple your future.
Kerrycontrary February 4, 2011, 10:51 am
I think this is a really difficult situation. It all depends on how you feel about prostitution in general, not even prostitution as it relates to your boyfriend’s personal experience. As previously stated, paying for sex has many shades of gray and you absolutely need to get more information from your boyfriend. For some people, having their man sleep with a prostitute is a dealbreaker while for others its not. Think over the situation for a little bit before you make a decision.
I agree with the other commenters, do NOT tell your friends. Whereas you may get over this situation your friends may have different opinions on the matter and hold it against him for forever.
allie June 14, 2011, 9:13 pm
i agree with you, for me its a deal breaker because i want somebody who has the same morals and values as me, and this is not one of them! but others are not me and they may not care about having the same morals or values. i think she needs to ask herself that question, do i want somebody with the same values and morals as me even if this is a value or moral for me, or should i just let it slide?
Calliopedork February 4, 2011, 1:12 pm
I wonder if lw’s bf was inexperienced when the prostitutes happened. While my boyfriend has not paid for sex he has had meaningless sex with women he wasnt completely attracted to because he felt weird about his low level if experience and is shy and awkward around girls he is attracted to. If he said he had paid for it before me I would view it as desperation and issues getting sex in more socially acceptable way rather than a character,flaw
Chicago_Dan February 4, 2011, 4:18 pm
Agree with Wendy.
Also, I’d like to stress on something Kerrycontrary picked up on; please, do not tell your friends.
Putting myself in this fella’s shoes; it has the potential to undermine any trust he may have in you. This is something you two will have to address as adults.
On the issue presented, there’s got to be a reason he let you in on this. Unless it’s something he’s shied from with his circle of friends and family, I’m guessing it’s not one of his “highlight” moments. Rather than be alarmed, do your best to be a sounding board for him. However, do your best to guide the conversation so he feels comfortable telling you (more, if there is…) everything.
You can achieve that in two ways; back him into a corner and pepper him with accusations and insulting questions or be a listening ear and ask a range of open-ended, poignant and non-judgemental questions.
All being equal, you will succeed in bringing your relationship closer and more intimate.
Patti February 5, 2011, 12:02 am
My husband slept with a prostitute before he met me. He was in Europe and he’d been approached by two men (at different times) who propositioned him, and he wanted to feel like heterosexual man again. He felt like he needed to prove he was heterosexual, and he chose the easiest route to do that. Sometimes the reason men sleep with prostitutes has nothing do with women at all.
SSBOO February 7, 2011, 12:41 pm
I guy I dated for a few months ended up telling me the same thing after we had broken up. It didn’t bother me. Guys do see sex differently I just highly recommend both of you getting tested just to be on the safe side.
Stilgar666 February 11, 2011, 5:57 pm
Another longtime male reader’s perspective on prostitutes…
Being a nerdy introverted loner made moving on after breaking off a 4 year relationship really difficult. I was tempted at times to hire a prostitute, after not touching a woman for a year. There was crushing loneliness, depression, and that simple human yearning for physical contact. My personality/issues just made it really hard to find a “fling” or “rebound”, and I didn’t feel like getting out there, anyways. If a woman craves male contact, she can get it with greater ease than a man, right?
Ultimately I didn’t, and things worked out. I was afraid of diseases and the potential for female exploitation. But, the urge was strongly there. I am not saying it would have been right, just that I feel some of the comments oversimplified male motivations and feelings.
allie June 14, 2011, 9:16 pm
i can tell you as a nerdy girl who isn’t attractive to men, that no, we can’t just get it when we want to! in all honesty we really can’t. i’ve never had a boyfriend and i’m 24 years old, guys really don’t look at me at all and yes i am horny as fuck, but morally i feel that i just couldn’t go to somebody professionally. i understand how you could be tempted, but for me it feels a little exploited and kind of gives into the whole double standard stereotypes that women don’t really like sex they just like money! that’s how i feel about it!
Cassie August 23, 2011, 11:50 pm
I am in a similar situation and I don’t know how to deal with it either. Before we got married, my husband confided in me that he had sex with a prostitute a long time ago. I was glad he told me …. at first. Now, whenever the topic comes up in a movie or on the radio or wherever, I get very upset. I have tried to get over it and I know he is not proud of it. We were watching a movie the other night and there was a prostitute negotiating payment so I asked my husband how much he paid. He didn’t want to tell me, but I got it out of him that he paid $400! I asked him when the last time he spent $400 on me was. He couldn’t answer that. There is something that makes me feel worthless about the money he has spent on hookers and strippers. I know it is in the past and I should get over it – I just need to understand how to do that. Good luck to you.
Sha Na Na February 25, 2022, 3:19 pm
Oh my gosh, same. Watching or hearing something about prostitutes is very upsetting for me as well. I don’t know why and I can’t seem to control it.
I agree again with your last few sentences.
I take no joy in feeling the way I do. I just wish I wouldn’t. Has it gotten easier for you Cassie?
Ben June 17, 2013, 7:57 pm
If one does not have the necessary conditions to attract a partner after giving it a serious shot, then it would be morally and ethically permissible for such individuals to resort to paying for it in the same way medical marjuana can be seen as ethical.
Ashley December 31, 2016, 10:15 pm
Thank you all for your comments as it helps to give me different perspectives. I’m currently dating someone and he told me early on that he recently slept with a prostitute. He’s not young, but he said he was deployed and recently divorced and just wanted to have sex. The guy I love is not someone I can imagine paying for sex. I could see how he would be socially awkward and not ok with just meeting someone out at a bar, but I’ve tried so hard to move past it and I still can’t. The exploitation of women and viewing them as an object just to get off bothers the fuck out of me. He said he’s not proud of it, but doesn’t regret it. He also said he would never do it again. Part of me wishes I never knew, but also glad he was honest. I mean how many other guys have I dated that did the same and I just never knew? Any comments or advice would be appreciated.
Kate January 1, 2017, 12:52 pm
I think this says a lot: “I’ve tried so hard to move past it and I still can’t. The exploitation of women and viewing them as an object just to get off bothers the fuck out of me.”
You can’t get past it. Someone else might or might not be able to. I think it’s gross too, but then I don’t know how it feels to be deployed and lonely. It’s good that he told you right away, and I hope it was before you had sex and that full STD testing was done. The fact that he says he doesn’t regret it would bother me though. I would have much more of a problem with a mature guy objectifying women and not really “getting it” / regretting it, than a guy who paid for sex when really young and now realizes the implications and wouldn’t do it again. I have a hard time believing that, since your bf doesn’t regret it, he wouldn’t do it again sometime. Not that he’d cheat on you, just that he doesn’t really get it, and it REALLY bothers you, which suggests a difference in values that may not be surmountable. And finally, I’d be surprised if many (or even any) guys you previously dated have slept with prostitutes. I don’t know the stats on that, but I don’t think it’s all that common.
Kate January 1, 2017, 12:54 pm
RedRoverRedRover January 1, 2017, 7:22 pm
I agree that having sex with hookers is super sketchy, mainly because there’s no way at all to tell if the woman is doing it of her own free will or not. If you’re so desperate to get off that you’re willing to risk participating in sex slavery, then that says a lot about you. And it may be even worse depending where he was deployed. Like, sex slavery is a big enough problem in the western world. But in some other parts of the world it’s even worse. And also the “women” aren’t necessarily adults.
bittergaymark January 1, 2017, 5:47 pm
Honestly? This strikes me as a pretty dumb thing to break up over. But have at it. I guess, hey, if you can always just buy a cat.
CK7 June 1, 2018, 10:41 am
I am in a worse situation, I have no idea how to deal with it. My husband told me that he had enjoyed the company of call girls for a period of 10 years, before he met me. Not only that, he told me he always enjoyed having sex with them and never disappointed. The sexy underwear, nice dresses and call girls attitude towards him had made him excited. For the past ten years of our marriage, we didn’t have much sex, he told me that is because he didn’t enjoy having sex with me. However, he enjoys having sex with me currently. I cannot get over the frustration. And I don’t know what to do.
Kate June 1, 2018, 12:17 pm
So… in what context did he tell you this? Unless you were fighting and you’d just said something terrible to him, or unless you forced him to talk about his sexual past, it’s extremely problematic that he told you this, and added the context about how much he enjoyed it. That, and telling you he didn’t enjoy sex with you, suggests major problems. He seems to relish hurting you, which suggests anger and resentment, which suggests deep problems in your marriage. Have you acknowledged previously that there are problems in your marriage and consulted a professional? I would definitely recommend you go see a family therapist on your own, to get their perspective on what might be going on here and how to proceed.
Hazel June 1, 2018, 2:15 pm
Gosh- so his preference is the type of sex where everything is geared towards his pleasure, and any pleasure on the woman’s part is essentially an act to help him get off? If this is only a sex problem, you may be able to work through it, but if this is how he treats you in the rest of your lives together, I’d call quits and move on were I you.