Our relationship outside of that seemed perfectly normal and great until I realized he had been on occasion commenting on other girls’ photos — things such as “damnnnn,” “wya,” or “dang, you look really good.” I found out about this, we had a talk, and it stopped…for a while. Recently I began to snoop through Ted’s phone and saw messages with another girl where he called her cute, asked her on a date (she was busy) and asked her for her snapchat. When I talked to him about this, he said he didn’t know why he did it and didn’t ever really intend on meeting up with her.
Our relationship has been so great in every other way, but this feels like an ongoing battle. I truly love him and I can tell he loves me. I don’t know what to do or think anymore. — Tired of the Ongoing Battle
It took me more time to Google what “wya” means — “where you at?” for my fellow olds — than it did to figure out what “you should think.” You should think this guy is kind of a scumbag and that you should MOA (move on already, for those not in the know). Why did you move in with someone who had been telling another woman the exact same things he’d been telling you? You didn’t trust him then — hence the phone snooping — and it sounds like he’s done nothing to earn back any of your trust. Not only does he tell other women they “look really good,” but he’s also asking where they’re at, which everyone knows is code for “I’d like to cheat on my girlfriend with you.” And if you needed further proof he is so not committed to you, you found a message where he asks another woman out. And you don’t know what to think about that? Really?! I don’t know what to think about you not knowing what to think about that. Actually, I do. I think you’re in denial and I wonder if you’re simply afraid of being alone.
Please, do what you should have done the last time you broke up with someone, and take some time to be single and to be alone with your thoughts for a bit. Usually, not knowing what to think when the answer is really pretty obvious is a sign that you aren’t used to listening to and acting on your thoughts. It won’t kill you to be alone for a bit. Quite the opposite – it will empower you to make better decisions going forward. When you cultivate your thinking skills and start paying attention to that thing we all have called intuition, you will find that the power was inside you this whole time.
Surely if you’d listened to intuition earlier, you would not have moved in with a guy who flirted with his ex while pursuing you, and you wouldn’t be in the position you’re in now – living with a man who isn’t committed to you, who seems to have as much confusion over why he asks out other women as you have over not knowing what to think about his asking out other women. It’s time for both of you to grow up, quit being zombies just moving through life, and take some personal responsibility for your actions (and inactions).
Through the summer we were separated but still hanging out and, well, doing other intimate things as well. I found out I was pregnant in the fall, and we decided to work things out and be together. We wanted to support each other in raising this child. Here is my dilemma: The more time I spend with him, the more the pain of being cheated on is tearing me up inside. I think about it all the time and even wake up almost nightly with dreams of it. I am trying to let go for myself and for this baby. But am I being naive? Can I really move past how broken the trust is between us? And if it’s possible, where do I start? — Mom-to-Be
Yeah, I think you are being naive. You don’t just “move past” being cheated on because you want to. The person who cheated has to work to earn back your trust, and you don’t mention anything your boyfriend has done to do that. It’s like, you got pregnant, and, boom, you decided you and your boyfriend should be back together, and now you’re back together. Of course you can’t move past the broken trust here. There’s literally no reason you should, right? A pregnancy doesn’t erase broken trust. A pregnancy doesn’t substitute for real work to earn back trust. (And just so I’m crystal clear here: It’s your boyfriend’s job to do the work to earn back the trust.)
I don’t understand what it is you’re “trying to let go of” for yourself and your baby. That your boyfriend is a cheater? That you can’t trust him? That you probably wouldn’t have gotten back together with him if you hadn’t found yourself pregnant? And while we’re on that topic, that isn’t a good reason to get back together with someone. If you have unresolved problems BEFORE you have a baby, you’re still going to have those same problems AFTER you have a baby, plus all the challenges of raising a child on top of managing a very broken relationship.
Raising a baby is a lot of work. Managing a broken relationship is a lot of work. Do yourself a favor and cut one of these problems out of your life and dedicate yourself to the other one. You don’t need some cheatin’ boyfriend supporting you in parenthood. Yeah, it would be great if your boyfriend is there for his child — if he steps up and acts like a responsible parent. But he doesn’t need to be your boyfriend to do that. And you certainly don’t need him to be your boyfriend in order to step up and be a responsible mother. And your first act of responsibility should be ditching the dead weight that is currently your boyfriend.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.