Let’s ease into this post-holiday Monday with some Shortcuts, shall we? For every question, I’ll give my advice in just a few sentences because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great that being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go.
He says he is dissatisfied with me because I can’t arouse him even though he has a clear health problem and has been diagnosed with medical ED by a urologist. Even Cialis and Viagra haven’t helped him function normally. I’m now 38 and he is 41. I would like to get married and have a biological child, but given his ED and stubborn insistence on wild sex, I think I need to look for someone else. I mean, is the writing on the wall? Should I cut my losses now and look for a marriage-minded man who doesn’t use sex as the sole barometer in a relationship? — Fed Up with Flaccid
It seems like by any barometer, your boyfriend isn’t marriage material. And while sex should never be the sole barometer for a relationship you hope is headed toward marriage, the fact that it’s unsatisfying and dysfunctional for you both should be your cue to run.
Why is this happening? I don’t know what to do. Do you have any advice? — Not Feeling It
Your letter made me think of this post from – omg – a decade ago. Kisses can change the dynamic of a potential relationship, for better or worse. While you and this guy seem to share great chemistry in a platonic way, it sounds like the physical chemistry just isn’t there. If cuddling, kissing, and sex all leave you feeling uncomfortable and unsatisfied, I’d kiss the idea of a romantic relationship good-bye and decide whether you’d like to try to keep this guy as a friend instead.
Come January, I see an invite to a sex chat room. Husband says he has no idea why he’s getting that. I didn’t question it because that’s happened to me with other texts too. Out of the blue five weeks ago, my husband started picking fights with me, which is unusual because we hardly ever fight. I have never done this before, but I looked on his phone. I found two calculators, a vault app, a recently-downloaded VPN app, and three dick pics he had deleted. Omg!! I confronted him, and again he said he didn’t know what VPN App was talking about and that he was going to send the dick pics to me but changed his mind!! When? After our 4th blowout? How romantic.
It been a few days and we have not spoken. I think he feels if he keeps denying, I’ll give up and let it go. But I asked for a divorce today. His response? “Ok, but you have no proof I’ve done anything.” No “Let me prove to you that I love you,” no tears from him. I can’t get past not just Tinder but that he may be Bi… I’m not willing to live with that. I’m scared that I’m not doing the right thing. What if I find out he was telling me the truth and he didn’t do anything? Before this we had a great life and marriage together. Am I doing the right to thing? — Devastated in New York
I’d say that a good barometer for whether or not getting a divorce is the right move is when you ask your spouse for a divorce and he says, “Ok.” Add in blatant lies, betrayals, potential cheating (or at least the pursuit of it), gaslighting, and nonstop fighting, and the only thing you should be debating right now is where to get a full panel of STI tests. I’m so sorry for the loss of your father, the near loss of your mom, and now the likely ending of your marriage; I hope that you will seek out the guidance of a good therapist if you haven’t yet.