1) He does not have a job (cannot work while also going to school and taking care of his mom, he says). He has never asked me for money — if anything, he has almost always paid for everything and contributed to gas, groceries, etc., but I wonder if his mom has helped him financially and if they are actually co-dependent.
2) He takes care of someone who could take care of herself. His mom, 71, is not disabled. In the past year, she has had two MRIs, a scan, and numerous other medical tests, which have uncovered nothing wrong other than slightly elevated blood pressure. But she is introverted, and it seems her son is her only friend/person with whom she socializes.
3) My boyfriend often chooses to do what his mom wants, when she wants, regardless of what he has already committed to doing with me. For one example, he was recently five hours late meeting me to go out of town for the weekend, because his mom had wanted to take him to a birthday lunch (before his actual birthday) and had to first wait for his sister to get off work. They could have done this the following week when we didn’t have plans, and thereby not have caused me such a miserable weekend of feeling angry, hurt, jealous, and resentful, but he hadn’t told his mom about our plans and instead modified plans with me to accommodate her. Another time he took his mom to a movie that he had told me he and I would see, and his excuse was that the movie was one she really wanted to see and we could still go see it together later. And, again, I felt resentful.
4) He is putting his mother first in regards to holiday plans. Last year at the holidays, when his mom went out-of-state for five weeks, our relationship was the best it has ever been, and my boyfriend promised it would continue to be that way. But this year his mom has chosen to stay in town, and she and my boyfriend have both dropped hints about ME going to stay with THEM even though I live and work an hour’s drive away. And my own family, whom I also want to spend holiday time with, lives near my home as well. I think that my boyfriend should stay with me since he will be out of classes.
So, am I being childish, selfish, or too difficult/demanding? Because I am thinking about drawing a line in the sand and saying, “Either you stay with me and we make a life together as we have both have discussed, or it’s over.” Do I do this, or do I stay on the fence and see what happens?
I have invested two years of my life and my emotions, and I do not really want to walk away. Yet, I do not want to invest more of myself and my time only to see that my boyfriend’s mom never goes her own way in life. I do NOT want a life with the three of us always together. — Everyone Loves Raymond Gone Bad!
Definitely draw the line in the sand, but don’t expect your boyfriend to jump to your side. He and his mother are co-dependent and he has chosen her over you repeatedly over the past two years. This is not likely to change. My guess is he’d prefer to keep things as they are forever (or, at least until his mother dies, which could be another 20 years), or maybe move you in with them. You re not being too difficult or demanding to expect and desire more than what your boyfriend has given you. Despite what you perceived as early signs to the contrary, your boyfriend is not compassionate and not ambitious. He’s lazy. And living with his mother enables his laziness.
Draw a line in the sand if doing so gives you a sense that you tried everything. But when he doesn’t change his ways, MOA. And be glad all you lost over the past two years was some time and not, say, 70K…
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