I am in my late 20s and have been with my boyfriend for about five years and living with him for about 3.5 years. This past spring my computer broke, and he gave me his to use. While I was using it, a bunch of porn sites came up in the autofill, as well as his download folder. Curious as to what he was downloading, I opened the folder and found hundreds of pictures of his (and my) female friends taken from Facebook.
We were kinda in a bad place at the time; sex was infrequent at best — once every month or so — and I had given up moving (for a career opportunity) for him. These issues definitely contributed to how I reacted. I just felt so unattractive, disrespected and unsure of myself, and I blew up at him. He promised to delete the pictures, and we both agreed to work on intimacy. Things got a little better, but fast forward to the past few months: again, sex is in a rut; and once again, I face a job prospect in another city. Anytime I bring up either sex or moving, he just shuts down. With no reason but dissatisfaction, I snooped on his computer, and again, I found the porn, as well as all the Facebook pictures, including new ones. I am angry and hurt and don’t know what to do, or even how to broach this subject. Help! — Computer Woes
If you’re in your late 20s and you’ve been with your boyfriend for five years, that means you got together when you were in your early 20s, and statistically speaking, relationships that start at that age rarely last for the long-haul. You just change and grow so much during your 20s, and eventually, if you grow in opposite directions, the closeness you once felt is replaced with distance. And what happens when a couple starts feeling distant? The sex usually stops. Let me reiterate: the lack of sex isn’t the real problem; it’s a symptom is the real problem. And the problem is that you’ve grown apart.
Add to that problem your boyfriend’s creepy collection of female friend’s Facebook pictures, as well as your desire to relocate for a job, and his complete and utter disinterest to discuss any of these issues, and you have a classic MOA situation here. You’ve been in a bad place since at least last spring — almost a whole year — and your boyfriend doesn’t care about making it better. There’s no way to sugar-coat that. He doesn’t care about making it better. If he did, he would. He’d at least talk to you when you bring up your issues instead of shutting down. He doesn’t care about making it better and he’s too cowardly to break up with you. So, you need to be the one to end things. MOA, sister. You’re too young to be stuck in a relationship that died a long time ago.