“My Boyfriend Doesn’t Pay Attention to Me”
He claims that the reason he is more interested in his own thoughts is because he is an introvert and that this is a very typical introvert characteristic. I’m friends with and have dated many other introverts and none of them have demonstrated this trait. He is not generally expressive or effusive, and I am accepting of this and his other “introverted” tendencies, but I find this particular trait troubling. I feel like, at some level, most people are more interested in themselves than in others, but shouldn’t some kind of exception be made for your close friends and the people you’re, um, *in a relationship* with?? Moreover, he doesn’t seem to have trouble conversing with other people (although I have a hunch that it is something of an act, due to his lack of comfort in social situations, and that he is comfortable enough with me not to “fake” it. Small comfort.)
I am also afraid that I am simply being sensitive to what I perceive as his lack of attentiveness because I have definite abandonment issues (distant parents, flakey friends, etc), which I am working very hard to address. I am afraid that I am simply looking for a brand of attention that no one will be able to give me because of my own insecurities.
Is this self-centered behavior actually typical of introverts? Am I just laying the blame for my own insecurities on him? I told him about my concerns and he said he would think about it and see if there was a way to address it, but am I just overreacting? — Diverted by the Introvert
You’re asking the wrong question. It doesn’t matter if your boyfriend’s self-centered behavior is typical of introverts (it’s not). What matters — what should always, always, always matter — is how that behavior affects you and makes you feel. If you are not happy with it, don’t put up with it. If what you want is a boyfriend who actually, gasps, pays attention to you, asks about your trip to Singapore (how cool, by the way), and generally treats you like someone he’s, you know, interested in, then don’t settle for a boyfriend who barely gives you the time of day.
And, I’m sorry, what kind of response is, “Hmm, I’ll think about how to address that” when your girlfriend tells you she’s sick of you being a self-centered ass who doesn’t pay attention to her? And what kind of moron blames his narcissism on being introverted? It’s the other way around! He’s introverted because he’s a narcissist. He doesn’t care about socializing with anyone or asking his girlfriend about her cool trip to Singapore because no one could possibly be as interesting to him as he is to himself. Thus, he is “introverted.”
You say you have distant parents, flaky friends, and “insecurities,” so I guess you probably have self-esteem issues to boot. Maybe you feel like you aren’t very important and so you don’t demand being made a priority by those who are supposed to make you a priority (parents, friends, significant others). I say you take a page from your boyfriend’s book and start cultivating a little more interest in yourself. You ARE important, and I’m sorry the people who raised you didn’t give you enough of a foundation to believe that. I’m sorry you seem to be choosing to surround yourself with people who are as distant with you as the people you were surrounded by as a child. You didn’t have much choice then. But you do now. You’re important. Choose more wisely. And if you’re having trouble doing that, invest in a good therapist who can help you. You deserve a present you didn’t have in your past.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
Something that LW may want to read up on—Imago relationship theory. This letter is a classic case of it (one person is needy and one person is avoidant). It has to do with seeking out the same partner again and again because we are subconsciously trying to recreate (and solve) the “wounds” from our childhood. The theory goes that you don’t break the pattern, you only get better at recognizing it, understanding it, and eventually becoming the best version of yourself you can be. In turn, you will be able to attract the best version of the “type” that you are drawn to. The idea is that you cannot change who/what attracts you –that stuff is hard-wired and part of a master design. So it’s not about breaking your patterns, it’s about evolving into the healthiest possible form of them. It’s an interesting theory and you can find flaws in it, but I think many people would find it inspiring and healing.
A good reference is the book: *Keeping the Love you Find* (Hendrix)
I’m introverted and so is my most of my immediate family. This means that we form strong bonds with only a couple of people (family, few close friends) instead of becoming best friends with every person we meet. But within those relationships we can talk about anything and share everything. Being introverted doesn’t mean that you don’t like socializing or sharing with other people. Some introverts may be like this, but not all. I like socializing, but when I’m tired I need to withdraw and be alone to re-energize, where as an extrovert may re-energize by being around a lot of people. Your boyfriend is simply a naracissist, and if you don’t want to date someone who is obsessed with themselves (and who would, frankly) then don’t date him. Why do you want to be with someone who simply isn’t interested in what you have to say? Isn’t that a basic quality of all relationships?
I think your best course of action is simple — Break up with your boyfriend and start a new relationship with a therapist. I totally agree with Jess and Wendy on this…you seem to be dating this person because your self-worth isn’t developed enough to realize that you can have better than what you’re getting.
It’s a good thing that you realize you have insecurities; you’ve acknowledged that you have some past issues and that they may be a contributing factor to relationship problems you’re having now. And the thing is, I think you’ve realized a lot more than you’ve given yourself credit for, or else you probably wouldn’t have written in to DW at all.
I’ve found that very, very often, people ask questions not because they don’t know the answer to the question; but rather because they’re hoping someone will give them a different answer than they’ve already come to themselves. In your case, I think you’ve already realized that you’re not in the right relationship. You’ve realized that you should be getting more out of a partner than narcissism and no interest in YOU, and you’re dissatisfied with it. The next step is acting on the thoughts you’re having, which takes some courage, I know.
If it gives you any reassurance — This is NOT normal introvert behavior. In fact, if I’m going to be really honest, your boyfriend sounds like a straight up narcissistic asshat. If you really want to do something positive to alleviate those insecurities and gain some self-worth, dump this guy. It’ll hurt at first, to be sure, but you’ll gain SO much confidence from summoning the strength to leave a relationship that isn’t right for you.
I have nothing to add except that I want to high five for her response!
Is he an only child? Sounds like you’d be better off finding somebody who actually cares about you as a person. This guy seems to only like you for what you are (his girlfriend), not who you are.
While not sure on the narcissism I completely agree with Wendy. I am an introvert and that just means I don’t handle massive and loud social situations very well. I am much better one on one/in small groups and I need more “me-time” where extroverts would prefer a group hang out…..and you know what? I actually do care what people are talking to me about while interacting with them!
Don’t blame insecurities from your past on this…most boy friends should be really excited to talk to you about a vacation or hearing about your day (less excited about this unless something cool happened to / for you, haha)…he either is a narcissist or he just doesn’t really have that much investment in you or your relationship and doesn’t want to break it off out of convenience.
Yup — Your boyfriend sounded great on paper. As you said, he’s sweet, helpful, willing to accommodate your needs, and always has your back…
Wait, what?
Having your back means being there for you, and if he’s too wrapped up in himself to notice or care when you’re feeling down, I’m not sure he really has your back. And I’m sorry, but clearly he’s the exact opposite of “willing to accommodate your needs” since you asked him to accommodate your need for more attention from him and… he blew you off.
He doesn’t sound very sweet or helpful. Not caring enough about a huge trip you took isn’t very sweet. His friends should not be more excited for you than he is. And I don’t see how helpful it is to have him constantly thinking about himself… I mean, unless maybe he really is sweet and helpful when it somehow benefits him. But even then, that’s not what you need from a significant other.
That line stood out to me too…”he is sweet, helpful, willing to accommodate my needs, and always has my back.” But then you write a whole letter about how he is none of those things…I feel like she just took the list of things a BF is supposed to be and started her letter with that.
LW, you’re not happy, he’s not going to change, break up and move on.
LW, I once dated a narcissist, too. After he broke up with me because I “wasn’t driven enough”, I realized that I had been his cheerleader for the entire year we were dating. He didn’t respect me as a partner, I was just someone who made him feel good about his accomplishments. If he doesn’t respect you enough to ask you about your trip to Singapore (!), what else do you think he’ll be apathetic about in the future?
I also want to say that in my experience, I find most introverted people to be the most engaging and thoughtful once they let you in. Extroverts are more likely to be narcissistic because they want to be the center of attention.
Thank you, Wendy! I think that was the absolute perfect answer for the LW!
There are a lot of things that introverts, or extroverts, do that the person learns not to do. For example, I am an introvert, and it’s hard for me to handle large groups of people I don’t know. I get shy and clam up, and can’t think of anything to say. But I still go to parties where I hardly know anyone and to events with my new book club friends. Whether he’s an introvert isn’t really the issue. The issue, much like Wendy said, is that he knows something about his personality that’s a problem (to his girlfriend, even!) and is doing nothing about it. A person who gives excuses for obnoxious behavior instead of addressing it is not going to change.
One thing that came to mind, was wondering how Wendy’s husband listens to her and to ALL of our questions? Does he nod his head? Offer feedback?
I have no interest in my husband’s work. I listen attentively, because he is my husband. There have been times I just respond, “I have no idea what you just said, but it sounds (horrible/great).”
He has done the same with myself. No clue about the subject, but he is doing his best to focus on my feelings about whatever I’m talking about.
Dump him…He sounds like a tool.
Just because he seems nice on paper, that doesn’t mean he is good for you.
I’m an extrovert so I can’t speak too much on the “charactoristics” of introverts but I’m pretty sure they include things like needing more alone time, not big fans of huge social interactions etc, nowhere do I remember ever hearing that it meant “the inability to care about what other people feel, say, etc” or “the lack of wanting to ask your bf/gf about their day/job/trip to Singapore.” I ask my boyfriend how is day at work was or if he got an update on his sister’s pregnancy, not because I’m an extrovert, but because I CARE!
Let me guess, this “charactoristic” prevents him from talking with you about your life but it doesn’t affect his ability to talk about himself? I’m sure he’s quit “extroverted” when talking to you or his friends about his life and interests.
Wendy, your advice is spot on as usual. I especially appreciated the last paragraph. I have had similar relationships as the LW and you are right, its usually trying to fix childhood issues. Therapists help soooo much and i recommend the LW get to one. After dumping her jerk of a boyfriend first.
And also, LW, he isn’t going to “get better”. No matter what you tell him, he will probably always be like this. MOA and find someone who actually enjoys your company, its refreshing!
No, this guy’s behavior is not due to his introversion. Either he’s too self-involved to bother listening to anyone else or he doesn’t care enough about you to be attentive.
It’s hard to tell whether he’s actually, clinically speaking, a narcissist, but that’s beside the the point. This guy isn’t going to make you happy in the long run. So yeah, I’m jumping on the MOA train, because you deserve someone who is genuinely interested in you.
The response to this letter was perfect. This guy could be as sweet and helpful as he could be, but if he makes you feel bad or feel small inside or make you feel like he doesn’t care about you, just by not paying attention to you, there is no need to stick around. I always think that your bf/gf should bring out the best in you and be a positive influence in your life. If this isn’t happening, then you’re better off to get out of the relationship.
And as an introvert myself, I believe he is quite off in his reasoning behind his behavior. It just sounds a bit like an excuse to me. I agree with what others have said above about what introverts are truly like, and this guy does not sound like he fits the description at all.
I, on the other hand, fit the description to a t!
” He’s introverted because he’s a narcissist. He doesn’t care about socializing with anyone or asking his girlfriend about her cool trip to Singapore because no one could possibly be as interesting to him and he has to himself. Thus, he is introverted. ”
Um, no. Introversion has a definition, and it doesn’t include anything about finding one’s own self so fascinating and not being interested in other people. I’m a little surprised no one else has pointed this out. Since there’s not a lot of info in the letter, it’s overreaching to label him a narcissist. He could just as easily be on the high functioning end of the spectrum, if we’re throwing diagnoses around. But Wendy got the critical point exactly right – it doesn’t matter why he is this way. He doesn’t meet your needs, and your needs aren’t in any way unreasonable, so you shouldn’t be together.
I do not understand how women can even get themselves in this situation. You don’t have to be 100 percent emotionally healthy, or some kind of superhuman, to recognize when you aren’t being treated well. Come on! We can do this, ladies! Just be with someone you’d want your best friend to be with! If he treats you any less than that, talk to him about it. If he can’t or won’t change, dump him.
Right on everyone! So glad I haven’t seen anyone defend this so-called “introvert.”
I dated a similar character — I won’t go so far as to diagnose him as a narcissist — but I realized in retrospect how threatened he was by any amount of success, perceived or real, I experienced. That included interesting trips, events, compliments, good days at work, amusing stories, playing the piano (a favorite hobby of mine), etc. Anything I did well or that made me independently happy threatened him. After enough put-downs and brush-offs I basically started to downplay my LIFE. And then one day I woke up and never looked back.
I wasted a year and got out before my confidence was completely shot, but I felt like a fool for a good while after. Get out now, love and FORGIVE yourself, LW! You deserve respect and acknowledgement — you’ll find it after making a clean break.
Like the LW, I had distant, uncaring parents and did not think I was worth anything. I was so used to being treated badly that I did not always choose my friends wisely, instead chosing friends who put me down a lot. I was also abused in my marriage until my husband died.
I felt so damaged and so ashamed by all these experiences that I worked very hard to “act normal”, lest I betray my emotional pain and insecurity. I was also used to repressing my emotions and did not trust my intuition. Instead I would frequently ask other people if it was ok to feel a certain way.
My long-distance former boyfriend was kind and treated me well, but he did not make me a priority. He would only call after every other chore was done and then he would fall asleep while we were talking. He would also promise to call but never call even after I would ask him to call. I was very upset by his broken promise, but I was so busy trying to be “normal” that I never confronted him. I assumed that a “normal” person would not feel this way and of course I was over-reacting.
I want to tell the LW that she is not over-reacting. Her fellings are valid. Just because she endured a difficult childhood and made mistakes picking friends does not mean she is unworthy of being treated well.
This is i feel now. I grew up basically ignored and i felt like my dad never wanted e to feel loved. It was always all about my mom and i was dogmeat. I still remember him rubbing it in my face how he loved her and not me. Shouldnt a father love his daughter? Now its funny cause my bf now…i have 1 year d with him and am due with his second baby is so much like my dad. No affection..no attention…its like he want to rub it in my face how im not loved but hes always laughing huggging and kissing our daughter. Im glad her dad loves her but i dont understand what i did to to make him so hostile to me and unloving. We dont even seem like lovers. If i wasnt so dependent on him right now…with ur second baby id leave. Like this article said, she didnt have a choice with her parents but this person was a choice. We have good days and bad days but i cant handle his indifference towards me..this isnt how i imagined my life.