“My Boyfriend Doesn’t Think I’m Hot Enough”

I’m in a long distance relationship, and my boyfriend is nice and sweet and we connect really well. We had been friends for several years before we started dating, and back when we first became friends, he had the hots for another (super hot) friend of mine. However, she wasn’t into him and that didn’t work out. A couple of years later, we got together. Now, the thing is, even though other aspects of this relationship are going well he has said, more than once, that: a) he doesn’t find me hot; and b) that friend of mine is getting hotter each day.

One time, we were talking about cartoons, and he said (jokingly) how even a proper portrait of mine would look like a cartoon, I’m so ridiculous looking. I try to take these things sportingly because I have no illusions about how I look. I’m short, and though I’m not fat per se, I’m rather curvy and could do with losing at least a few pounds. A few days ago I had gone out for dinner to this nice place, and I had called him up to tell him how fantastic the food there was, and how I had stuffed myself. But before I could properly launch into my story, he started talking about how, if I eat so much, one day I will blow up to the size of a balloon and how he is sad that he will never have a hot girlfriend. I fell silent, and he probably realized that maybe (even jokingly) he had crossed a line. He apologized, and we hung up.

Now,I have no qualms about people who speak their minds, and as such, shouldn’t have a problem with my boyfriend speaking the truth as well. However, I find myself feeling rather hurt and sad at his repeated assertions about this, and it’s taking a toll on my relationship. Tell me, am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Should I say/ do something so that my boyfriend stops saying these things? The thing is, even if he DOES stop saying this, at the back of my mind I’ll always be thinking that even though he’s not saying this out aloud, he’s probably thinking that I’m not good looking enough. What should I do? — Not Hot Enough

What the fuck is wrong with your boyfriend? No, really. What kind of guy says the kinds of things he has said to you and thinks he’s actually going to keep his girlfriend? It makes me wonder if he’s not actually trying to get you to break up with him, perhaps too coward to make the break himself. And, of course, this begs the question: why, why, why have you stayed with this jackass? He’s cruel, he’s rude, and he has no class. Not only that, but it doesn’t seem he cares for you very much, and if he’s attracted to you at all, he sure has a funny way of showing it.

Come on now, get some self-respect and MOA. If he’s treating you this lousy now, it’s only going to get worse, and the worse it gets, the harder your ego will be hit. Don’t let this jerk damage your self-esteem. Dig deep and find the power to let this loser go. Tell him you love yourself too much to be with someone who doesn’t appreciate everything you have to offer — looks and curves and all — and that you’ll be damned if you’re going to spend any more time with a guy who can’t stop comparing you to your hot friend. Life’s too short for that kind of degrading bullshit, and there are plenty of other guys out there who would love the company of a woman like you. Why waste another second on someone who doesn’t, or at least not in the way you want him to? MOA, sister. MOA.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.


  1. You boyfriend is the Mayor of DickTown. Pack your crap and leave.

    (Additionally, if you want to work on your weight, that’s fine, but don’t ever do it because a dude made you feel bad.)

    1. parton_doll says:

      Yes, the citizens of DickTown would love to have our mayor back.

    2. Seconded. He can take the Douchetrain to the Fuckhead station to get back to DickTown.

      Man, it’s always the letters that start out with “my boyfriend/husband is so great and nice and sweet to me but” that go right off the rails, isn’t it?

  2. Wow what a jerk, why in the world would you date someone who constantly puts you down?? It’s not called being honest, it’s called being MEAN. MOA!!

  3. There is nothing in your letter that says your friend/bf(?) has ever valued you as a gf and lots that says he hasn’t. His current behavior seems unacceptable for a platonic friend, let alone a bf. There seems to be nothing to save in this relationship. He wants your hot friend, whether he can get her or not. He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t seem concerned at all about insulting and hurting you. What are you getting that is at all positive from this relationship? MOA before you start to seem really desperate.

  4. artsygirl says:

    …umm really? If I had a partner who told me I was not hot and then wax poetically about a mutual friend, his testicles would meet my fist before I threw him onto the street and locked the door.

    1. phoenix28 says:

      Awesome comment artsygirl! 😀

    2. Please see The Big Bang Theory, season 4, episode 5, re: 100 different ways to rip a man’s nuts off.

  5. Oh honey, move on with a swiftness!! This guy doesn’t deserve you, or anyone for that matter. If he can’t see you for WHO you are – not WHAT he wishes you looked like, you need to save yourself any more emotional and psychological damage he will most assuredly cause if you continue down this road. One of my favorite quotes – “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. Since he can’t appreciate your fabulousness, find someone who does. Kick his sorry ass to the curb and don’t look back.

  6. 100% in agreement. As a short curvy girl myself, I can tell you that there are plenty of men out there who will appreciate the deliciousness of you. Dump his ass, feel good about it, and that feeling good will make you all the more desirable. In the future, if any fella makes a comment like that, nip it in the bud!

    1. Extra likes for “deliciousness.” 🙂

    2. SpaceySteph says:

      As a short curvy lady, I second this.

      My boyfriend thinks I’m pretty, even on days I’m feeling fat and very un-sexy.

    3. Seriously. I’m a short curvy girl, and my boyfriend thinks I’m plenty hot.

    4. tinywormhole says:

      Another short curvy girl here, with a boyfriend who thinks I’m hot and has told me so virtually everyday for almost four years now. Vital to a healthy relationship is the security that comes with knowing that your partner chooses you over all the other women in the world (hot or not), because they love you, are attracted to you inside and out, and value your feelings enough to make sure you know that you are #1 in their eyes. LW, I urge you to imagine that for a moment, and compare it to what you’re putting up with now. Then, imagine how great it will feel to dump the loser and open yourself up to finding that someone who thinks you’re his #1!

    5. Proud member of the short and curvy club. My boyfriend has nothing but love for my physique (if he didn’t, he wouldn’t be my boyfriend). LW, embrace those curves, and find a man who will do the same. I volunteer to dump this guy on your behalf if you won’t do it!

    6. Also a short curvy girl, and believe me, there are plenty of men out there will find you very attractive! Don’t waste your time with someone who puts you down, you deserve so much better!

    7. Yet another member of the short & curvy club here! I am HORRIFIED at the things your boyfriend has said to you, LW. Seriously, dump him THIS INSTANT if not sooner. The things he’s saying make him an awful FRIEND, much less a BOYFRIEND. There are plenty – PLENTY – of amazing men out there who are going to want to be with you and love how you look. There is nothing wrong with being short and curvy – in fact, a LOT of men really prefer it.

      Dump him now. Move on. And I am so sorry this has happened to you. Do NOT believe that you are unattractive and do not let it ruin your self-esteem, because that would be a real tragedy.

    8. short and curvy here too. there are PLENTY of guys who dig it. seriously, dumb this dickbag before the day is out LW.

      …and then we can all make a short curvy girls club and get jackets. maybe even do bowling league?

      1. Skiekitty says:

        As a member of one who WISHES she was short & curvy, I envy you ladies. Being tall & curvy is NOT the way to be. I see SOOOOOOO many guys who want the short & curvy ladies it’s not even funny. Y’all are so lucky… *big hugs*

        LW – Please kick this scumbag to the curb! There are LOTS of fish in the sea who can appreciate a REAL woman, not some airbrushed thing in a magazine!

  7. MOA, DTMFA – whatever. His mouth may say you’re his girlfriend, but his attitude still treats you like one of the guys still with all the crassness that entails. Worse yet, he’s STILL hankering for your super hot friend and still pining for those fjords when they’ve long melted. It is one thing for your guy to state a genuine concern for your weight and health, but it is a whole different thing to lament about your weight and how it means that he will never have a hot girlfriend.

    Who does he think he is – the catch of the century? Fuck him. No forget that – UNFUCK him. He doesn’t deserve the privilege of being your girlfriend anymore.

    1. SpaceySteph says:

      “He doesn’t deserve the privilege of being your girlfriend anymore.”

      Intentional? If so, awesome! Actually, if not, still awesome!

    2. silver_dragon_girl says:

      “Unfuck him” is my new favorite phrase.

    3. artsygirl says:

      Double thumbs for Monte Python reference

    4. “pining for those fjords” got me to lol. Thanks 😛

  8. TheOtherMe says:

    Wendy’s first line was dead on.
    In fact, I DO think there is something wrong with your BF. He’s probably trying to make himself feel better by putting you down. Dump him.

    1. fast eddie says:

      Forgive Dear Wendyits, just trying to do a friend a favor. I apologize for interrupting the comments on this letter.

      T.O.M. you wanted a +google invite last week. I got invited thus can invite you and will be happy to do so. You’ll have to send me your email to enable that. My website has a contact button.

      1. anotheryourself says:

        back of eddie, she’s mine.

  9. Why did you say your boyfriend is nice and sweet in the first sentence and then proceed to tell us how he isn’t nice and sweet? I really want to know what part of him is nice and sweet. It sounds like 0% of him is.

    1. I was definately thinking this!

  10. Ya I know what you should do, have some self respect and dump his sorry ass!

    1. Sorry Wendy, jumped to the comments before reading your response!

  11. lets_be_honest says:

    What’s amazing about this letter to me is that the LW sounds like her self-esteem hasn’t been entirely destroyed yet (emphasis on entirely). Quickly MOA before it is. I think its great you can look at the positive side and roll with the punches. I remember getting made fun of as a child and I’d laugh along. Those words stick with you though and you will begin to believe them, if you haven’t already. I really hope you break up with him so when you have a bf that showers you with compliments, you know how lovely that feels.

  12. Turtledove says:

    The next time he laments the fact that he hasn’t got a hot girlfriend, I believe that you should lament the fact that you haven’t got a boyfriend… at all.

    He’s behaving like a first rate tool. Us short curvy girls have a lot going on– just ask my husband. He thinks the curvy bits are hot and the squishy bits are cute– and would never think to comment on my weight because he doesn’t see it like that. You deserve a man who looks at you and thinks, “whoa, dangerous curves ahead.”

  13. ForeverYoung says:

    Um wow. How low is your self-esteem that you put up with this? Has he really led you to believe you are so undesirable that you will never find anyone better? Listen this is a classic case of him either wanting you to dump him because he doesn’t have the balls to do it himself, or dating you until someone better comes along. Either way he is not into you. And more importantly, why are you into him?

    There is exactly one way your self esteem can go even lower – if you waste more time on him only to have him dump you. Then you will wake up months later and not only feel bad that you allowed someone to treat you like that, but also ashamed that he ended up being the one to dump you. So save some dignity, start respecting yourself, and move on. Being alone is better than being in a lonely, unloving relationship.

    1. ReginaRey says:

      Want to back up your claim that she definitely needs to be the one dumping HIM. How awesome will it be when his “not hot, fat, not as hot as her friend” girlfriend dumps HIM, and moves on. Payback’s a bitch.

      1. ForeverYoung says:

        Also – I find it really sad that she has chosen to love someone that treats her like this. When I am having fugly/fat days, it is so comforting to say irrational things about it to my husband and have his tell me i’m beautiful. Or on days when i’m not wearing a lot of make up and he tells me he loves that he can see my freckles (while not mentioning my overall red tint to my skin as well – damn irish roots), or when i’ve gained 5 pounds, and he tells me he loves my weight and how my boobs are looking firm (i’m almost 5’1…so when I eat a milkshake I swear I can feel myself growing everywhere).

        It’s so sad that she obviously can’t recognize a healthy relationship if she thinks this is normal. Your other half should be the person that you feel safest around, the person that can always make you feel better about yourself, and who lovingly motivates you to become the person YOU want. He seems like her biggest critic instead of her biggest support, and sadly I know way too many women who accept this as totally normal. I guess the good thing is that this will turn into a learning lesson, and her relationship future can only go up from here.

      2. ForeverYoung says:

        I guess that was a really long way of saying I can’t imagine being with someone who didn’t love all of me. I have this vision of my 19 year old self waking up at my boyfriends house before he did so I could wash my face and put on make up before he woke up. And how I would cook him dinner and not eat for full blown FEAR of getting fat. Granted it wasn’t totally his fault that I chose to get that insecure, but yeesh. It is not a good way to live.

      3. ReginaRey says:

        I think your sentiments are spot-on. It’s wonderful, and necessary, to be loved FULLY – even when you feel ugly/fat/unsexy.

      4. lets_be_honest says:


    2. caffeinatrix says:

      Exactly! LW, please don’t be that girl who stays with a guy who treats her like crap and then lets him dump HER. I was that girl a while ago, and I’m still kicking myself over it. As bad as it felt to be with someone who, as it turns out, was only dating me until something better came along, it was even worse when I put up with it only to have him unceremoniously dump me six months into dating.

      1. THIS THIS THIS. I was that girl for 2.5 YEARS. Trust me, LW, you don’t want to waste that much time on this jerk.

  14. silver_dragon_girl says:

    EDIT: It’s not Friday, but this calls for something WAY less mature than “dump him and MOA.”

    Break up with him. Be nice. Explain that you just don’t find him attractive anymore, and he’s not pleasing you in bed because you can’t get over how imperfect his body is. Give him a few tips, like eating better, working out more, and plastic surgery. Be sure to add a few bits about how you’re sorry and you know it’s shallow, but you just can’t help it, and you think it would be better if you let him move on before he ends up getting hurt.

    -The Immature, but Gratifying, Response

    Seriously, though, LW, this guy is a jerk and a Jersey Shore reject. Dump him.

    1. Landygirl says:

      She should also give him some penile enlargement literature and mention that he’s lacking in that department as well.

  15. Oh my god dump him! I couldn’t even finish your letter before responding, I was so floored by this situation. This has nothing to do with your boyfriend “speaking his mind”, it has everything to do with your boyfriend being a complete asshole! I am so sad for you that you have low enough self esteem that you could possibly think that this is okay relationship behavior. No “nice and sweet” guy would say something so ridiculous about someone he supposedly cares about! You can do so much better!

  16. This is what you do the next time he says something:

    “You know, I think I’m pretty damn hot and I know there are many men in this world that’ll think I’m hot. I want to be with a man that thinks I’m hot and if that person isn’t you then we shouldn’t be in this relationship anymore.”

    Then see what he says.

    He can do two things at this point:

    1. Tell you he thinks your hot. If he does this then say “well then if this is true then I’d like to receive some compliments sometimes and I don’t want to hear any jokes about my looks”

    2. He tells you that he isn’t the man for you. If he says this then say “well too bad this didn’t work out, but no one is perfect. Good luck finding someone who meets your ideal” then hang up and lose his number forever! (you don’t need to be friends with him).

  17. spanishdoll says:

    People of Dear Wendy, can we photoshop a giant panorama picture of ourselves flipping off the LW’s boyfriend? I’m giving him the bird right now, if you can’t see.

    1. artsygirl says:

      I hope you can see this, because I’m doing it as hard as I can – Ignignokt flipping the bird from Aqua Teen Hunger Force

  18. ele4phant says:

    Haven’t even read Wendy’s response yet, the answer is so clear. Why are you dating an asshole, someone who tells you you are fat, unattractive, and openly lusts after your friend? Dump him.

  19. SpaceySteph says:

    I don’t have much to add, except to the pile of outrage that this jackass is still breathing.
    You should dump his sorry ass immediately and get on with the business of being sexy, awesome, and single.

  20. The person you are with should never, ever make you feel unattractive or unhappy to be you. NEVER. You know how you pick a BF? By the way he makes you feel. That should be a person who makes you feel like a queen when you wake up in the morning after spending half a night in the bathroom because of a stomach flu (from personal experience 🙂 ). He should be proud of you. When you have moments that you don’t feel your best, he should be the one to remind you how absolutely awesome you are. He should show you off to his friends. He should never mention that he thinks your friend is hot. And yes, he should tell you the truth, which is (if he loves, respects and appreciates you) that you are the most beautiful woman he knows.
    Unless your BF makes you feel any of those things, you picked a wrong guy. Move on and make room in your life for someone who will truly want to be there.

  21. so because you’re short and cury you look like a cartoon. damn i must look like a cartoon too! i had no idea until i read your letter. i agree with wendy your bf is either trying to get you to break up with him by being a complete jerk or he is just a complete jerk. either way time to pack up and move on. and how old are you all? telling you how hot your friend is all the time. come on. you need to learn to think more highly of yourself than this.

    1. caffeinatrix says:

      If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck… Either way, this dude is a complete jerk.

  22. Before I read the advice, I just want to say Please Please Please dump this fucking loser! Ok back to the advice.

  23. Also, I am extremely curious to know how exactly is he nice and sweet and how could other possible aspects of your relationship be going well??

  24. Oh my god.
    A- The title should be my EXboyfriend doesn’t think I’m hot enough.
    B- As stated above, a nice, sweet guy would never say anything even remotely like what your (hopefully soon to be ex) boyfriend said to you about blowing up like a balloon. I don’t what else he has said to you, but a nice guy would probably not say any of that crap, either.
    C- short and curvy is cute and sexy! I’ve never seen you, so can’t say “oh, you’re beautiful,” but I can say that you probably look better than you think you do. I can also say I see a lot of couples where I work and there are some very ugly women with very devoted, doting husbands. So even if you are legitimately “ugly” to most people (which I doubt is the case), there will still be at least one or two people who are really attracted to you. Not in an ignoring your looks because you have other qualities way, but in a raw, animalistic, sexy kinda way. It will be a lot better than dealing with this thoughtless fellow.

    1. I just reread the letter, I don’t know how I missed where he says he doesnt find you hot. I am seeing red now. I wanted to avoid inflammatory language, but this guy is a scoundrel! He chooses not to appreciate a good thing.

      1. I’ll say all the inflammatory language for you 🙂 Elsewhere. Trust me – this guy is an emotional abuser and he deserves a few Alaskan tortures. Like Devil’s Club to that itty bitty groin area of his – at 50 mph, naked, during mosquito season.

      2. After experiencing Mosquito Season in Alaska I would like to second this suggestion. Non-fatal, but a significant life lesson about being nice…

  25. Oh my goodness, does this ever cause flashbacks for me.

    This could be my own story about 25 years ago. I was engaged to a guy that I too would have described as “nice” and “sweet” who didn’t think I was hot either. Yes, I’m short too and am well rounded in lots of areas. My former fiance didn’t think I was hot either. And, on my 28th birthday, instead of getting the engagement ring that I thought I was going to get, I got the big heave ho from him.

    I got over the hurt that his words caused. It took much longer, but I also got over the shame and sense of defeat I felt for years because I wasn’t the one to kick him to the curb.

    My advice to you, letter writer (I refuse to call you “Not Hot Enough”) is to tell you to MOA ASAP! The pain of leaving a boyfriend will go away and you’ll be left with self-respect.

    BTW, I met my husband a number of years and many more pounds later. He loves me and thinks I’m the hottest thing since jalapeno peppers. He tells me I’m beautiful and loves every 4’11″‘s of me. And, he’s much, much ‘hotter’ than the former bf.

  26. Your ex is an @ss. Period. Notice the ex there, because that’s what he should be. Dump him.

  27. No man that tells his girlfriend repeatedly that she is unattractive, that her friend is hotter, that she needs to lose weight deserves having a girlfriend. How can you possibly describe him as “nice and sweet”? He is anything but nice and sweet. Leave him, he clearly has no respect for you and you deserve to be with someone who makes you feel good about yourself, despite your “flaws”. Nobody is perfect, but someone will love you that way!

  28. A Very Lost Soul from yesterday is probably reading this going “yeah, see this confirms that all men want is hot porn stars”

    1. Yeah… And we are all porn stars telling her to move on 🙂

  29. You deserve someone that compliments you and values you at any size, without makeup, in sweatpants, and all other times – MOA.

  30. I don’t think I even made it through the title before the voice in my head started screaming DTMFA!

  31. Men who say things like this to women are not “nice and sweet.” They are emotionally abusive.

    I think the LW already knew what to do when she wrote the letter. Wendy and the overwhelming majority of Wendy’s readers are confirming it. You don’t need our permission or our urging.

    After you DTMFA, please don’t take him back. He doesn’t sound like a very good friend, either.

  32. Natasia Rose says:

    MOA this man is HORRIBLE and telling you you aren’t attractive is borderline abusive. Tell him 1) You think you are hot 2) There are plenty of men who will find you hot and 3) He’s ugly on the inside and you are dumping his butt!

    1. elisabeth says:

      I wouldn’t call this borderline. This is emotional abuse. LW, you are NOTE making a mountain out of a molehill – you are making a molehill out of a mountain. Please MOA, because no one deserves to hear those words from *anyone,* much less someone who is supposed to love them.

    2. Chilosa161 says:

      Seconded on the emotional abuse. This is not the sign of a caring boyfriend, and if he’s saying these things now…it WILL get worse.

      Dump his ass.

  33. I want to give you a big hug and then kick your boyfriend where it hurts!

  34. ReginaRey says:

    This saddest, most disheartening part of this letter is reading you say: “I shouldn’t have a problem with my boyfriend speaking the truth as well…” The truth is what YOU decide it is, not what this dbag claims it is.

    This is why your boyfriend is with you: He’s a sad, pathetic creature who has some EXTREME insecurities about his own appearance, personality, etc. He projects those insecurities on to you, and insults you in order to make himself feel better. He certainly doesn’t love you or respect you, because he uses you as his personal emotional punching bag. He enjoys the power that he has over you, because it allows him control.

    This is why YOU are with your boyfriend: You lack a fundamental quantity of self-respect, self-esteem, and confidence. You believe what he tells you, because it only validates your insecurities. You think because he’s confirming what YOU think about yourself, it must be true. You stay with him because it’s easier to be in a shitty relationship than it is to be totally uncomfortable, scared and to stand alone (even if the person standing beside you only brings you down).

    Except, of course, you know that this is wrong. You wrote a letter to Wendy, so I know that you, deep down, understand that this is fundamentally wrong. You know you aren’t making something of nothing. What you REALLY want to know is, “Should I move on from this relationship, and how?”

    To answer that last question, I recommend that the next time your boyfriend says something insulting about you (you shouldn’t have to wait long, it seems), you tell him to shove it up his ass, and you walk out. You stop communicating with him completely. You tell your friends how he treated you, and let them assure you that he was TOTALLY incorrect. You are as attractive, confident, and worthwhile as YOU think you are – your worth is based TOTALLY on what you think about yourself, not what anyone else thinks. So today, make a choice to start viewing yourself as worthwhile, and start seeing people who put you down as insufferable assholes.

    1. Yeah exactly, just because this douche nozzle says these shitty things does not make them the truth! Shoud sounds pretty hot to me, and she needs to find somebody who is actually going to tell her the truth about it!

      1. She not shoud

    2. Addie Pray says:

      “The saddest, most disheartening part of this letter is reading you say: ‘I shouldn’t have a problem with my boyfriend speaking the truth as well…’” … Totally agree, RR.

      1. Addie Pray says:

        People often confuse “telling the truth” with simply being an inconsiderate, shallow, cruel prick. This BF sounds like the latter.

    3. cookiesandcream says:

      Yeah I definitely agree with the boyfriend being insecure about his own looks as well. I get the feeling that he’s one of those guys who define their worth by the attractiveness of their girlfriend; hence the sadness that he’ll “never have a hot girlfriend.”

  35. Addie Pray says:

    LW, tell your boyfriend to go eat a bag of dicks! Please?

    1. We don’t need another Dahmer.

      1. Ogod, that’s what I saw in my head too. Aghaghagahgahagh.

        Though it may be appropriate to tell him where he really belongs…

        I hear they’re looking for more human specimens.

  36. heidikins says:

    Honey, you are worth more than this. MOA. Ditching the dickwad (who is so insecure he cannot operate or function like a normal homo sapien) will give you the chance to find someone who a) is a functioning, emotionally healthy man and b) thinks the world of you. This guy just isn’t gonna cut it, again, MOA. Now.


  37. How long have you been dating?

    He is / may be:
    A) just a huge ass hole
    B) trying to get you to dump him
    C) Depending on the answer to my question he could also be using you to get to your “super hot” friend…..yes some guys operate this way….the spice girls did not do anyone any favors on multiple counts.

    In any of the above cases…MOA.

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      Bah, very funny Spice Girls reference. Took me a minute.

      1. I like subtle humor sometimes.

    2. If you wanna be my lover… love it!

      1. cookiesandcream says:

        Now I have that song stuck in my head…. Along with a bunch of flashbacks from middle school!

      2. Glitter is/was EVIL!

    3. Also..in the case of C….he is failing.

    4. And now I realize D) He is emotionally abusing you to try and get you to lose weight…

      I’m not saying you need to…but from what you have quoted…he isn’t “satisfied” and that is bull shit…you date someone “as is”…you don’t try to change them…this dude sucks.

  38. cookiesandcream says:

    Wow, LW, I’m really confused about why you call your boyfriend nice and sweet if he’s constantly saying things that leave you “feeling rather hurt and sad.” From the way you explain how you two got together, I can’t help but think that since things didn’t work out between your boyfriend and your friend, he chose to “settle” and date you instead. If he was completely over your friend, he wouldn’t be saying things like your “friend is getting hotter each day.” To me, it sounds like your boyfriend is an emotional abuser.

    What worries me the most is the fact that you “try to take these things sportingly because [you] have no illusions about how [you] look.” Then you go onto say that you have no problem with your boyfriend speaking the truth which means that, to you, the truth is that you deserve to be belittled based on how you look. I know how you feel because I felt extremely ugly throughout my whole childhood and teenage years. If I had a boyfriend who called me ugly, then I probably wouldn’t have called him on it because I would have believed him. I think what changed for me was that, as I got older, I became more comfortable with myself as a person. I signed up for various clubs that interested me, and I became more confident once I learned what I was good at. As I developed my self-esteem, I wanted my physical appearance to reflect the “new me” so I invested in a few new items of clothing and took a little more time to make sure I looked more polished. I should clarify here that I didn’t lose any weight or buy any makeup, so I really didn’t change how I looked; I just became a lot more comfortable with my appearance. I think you should find ways to build your own self-confidence so the next time a jerk tries to get away with comparing you with your own friend then you know that you’re worth more than that.

  39. Please don’t waste anymore time on someone that doesn’t value you. Go out and find a guy that thinks YOU ARE HOT! Because guess what? You will be to somebody, and that somebody will treat you better than this guy. Best of luck LW.

  40. GatorGirl says:

    MOA. What is the question here? It doesn’t matter if you are short, tall, curvy, fat, skinny, ect, ect, ect. This guy is continuously disrespecting and insulting you. This is not a healthy relationship- get out. There are a million and one men who want a shorter and curvier- find one who does and let this loser sit at home alone. Seriously…screw him.

  41. I would never so much as kiss a guy who told me that he doesn’t find me hot, or that he finds my friend hotter. I can’t even imagine getting naked in front of guy who had already expressed that he didn’t like my body…how degrading. This guy is a douche with no regard for your feelings, and I think it would be extremely awesome if you gave him a reality check by dumping his ass.

    1. her boyfriend must be desperate if he’s with a girl he doesn’t even find physically attractive

  42. This may be controversial because I’m sure there are fans of this guy on here, but, I feel like the boyfriend might have a Howard Stern complex – a guy that berate a woman by her looks alone. Thing that gets me about Stern, where does he get his bragging rights? Not exactly like he’s on Brad Pitt’s level.

    Anyway, leave the douche bag.

    1. Yeah… not like Howard Stern had much in the undies department. I read his autobiography years ago. He said he didn’t have much of a dick, and he was a “premature Peter” (to put it nicely).

      Most guys who do this are insecure with themselves to begin with.

    2. If he were on Brad Pitt’s level, would that make it okay? Don’t get sidetracked by whether the guy’s a looker, it doesn’t matter a molecule.

      1. I knew someone would jump on that. I think some people take comments on here way to serious. It’s okay for me to respond to a letter tongue-in-cheek.

        No, obviously that wouldn’t be okay.

      2. Pretty funny for a Howard Stern *critic* to play the “it’s just a joke, don’t take it so serious!” card.

      3. Not to mention that the LW’s jerk boyfriend has probably said “it’s just a joke, don’t take it so serious!” at some point.

      4. Ok

  43. “Now, the thing is, even though other aspects of this relationship are going well he has said, more than once, that: a) he doesn’t find me hot; and b) that friend of mine is getting hotter each day.”

    Tell him you’re going to help him cool his jets and kick him to the curb so fast he gets pavement burn.

    This guy is a major league jackass, and you deserve someone who respects you. Why would you want to be with someone who would talk to you this way? Or openly lusts after your friends? You deserve better. Please don’t let this guy bring you, your self worth, or your confidence down any further.

    Burn this affirmation into your brain: I deserve better. I am worthy of love. I am beautiful.

    Hot cools off over time. Beauty comes from, glows from within. I’ll bet you’ll get instantly hotter, instantly more beautiful once you dump your cold boyfriend.

  44. Landygirl says:

    LW, an effective weight loss method would be to dump him and you’ll lose over 150 unwanted and unsightly lbs immediately!!! You’ll also gain self esteem due to lack of being insulted daily by him. It’s a win-win method.

  45. No decent guy would ever tell his girlfriend she is ridiculous looking.LW,get rid of this guy.

    Also,I have to wonder how hot the boyfriend himself is…

  46. Wow, your “boyfriend” really knows how to cockblock himself while swallowing his foot to the knee, doesn’t he? Did you ask him how his athlete’s foot tasted?

    1) He’s not just a jerk, he’s a douche. If you aren’t actively using a douche to cleanse something, then it’s in storage waiting to be used or it’s in the garbage because it HAS been used. You have used him effectively. How? You have found out that you want BETTER THAN HIM. Drop him in the nearest dumpster and move on.

    2) That pair of curvy “chesticles” above your waist is there for a reason. Those are your “lady balls”. They need to grow in confidence and self-respect. Once you get those (and those will grow in when you lose the douche-boy), you will feel better about yourself. Once you feel better about yourself, I have no doubt that you won’t worry about your weight, and may even lose some because you won’t be an emotional eater. (which I suspect might be part of your issue as well)

    Your “hot” friend was smart and avoided him like the plague. Now it’s your turn.

  47. Dump his ass. Then lose weight and get a makeover and become incredibly hot and strut aroud him in public pretending you didn’t notice him.

    1. I reject the notion that she needs to lose weight and “become” incredibly hot. I want to bet she already is incredibly hot. 😛

  48. ApplePancakes says:


    What a complete waste of time and emotion your bf is LW! A guy who loves you will love your body too, even on those days when you don’t, because that’s part of the awesome package that is you!

    And seriously, if he’s comparing your looks to your “hot” friend and wallowing in his festering pool of self-pity for not having a hot girlfriend, he clearly deserves to stay there and wallow indefinitely. I whole-heartedly agree with Wendy and all of the other commenters (artsygirl has the right idea)!

    Like so many other girls have said already, there are good guys out there who will treat the woman they love like the most beautiful woman on earth, because love makes you see the most beautiful parts of a person. Your bf is not capable of this because he’s douche-tastic. Please please please MOA!!!

  49. Calliopedork says:

    Dump the douche, but first draw a cartoon featuring his worst features. I think a giant head and a donkey face would fit.

    1. Landygirl says:

      My doctors told me that douching was bad for you, now we know that dating a douche is bad for you as well.

  50. 6napkinburger says:

    glaring detail that I glossed over the first time: its a LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP!

    Don’t stay in a LDR where you don’t even get the perks of being held and having someone to watch bad movies with on saturday nights when you don’t feel like moving, with someone who sucks and is mean to you! (I mean, don’t do it at all, but ESPECIALLY don’t do it if you don’t get perks!)

    Besides, long distance is half fantasy anyway. Phone sex is all imagination; I bet at least 65% of people lie about what they’re wearing. You fantasize about an idealized version of the other person. He should especially be telling you how hot you are, how much he misses your body, because in his head, its the best version of you. Poo on him if that isn’t how he sees you.

    1. GatorGirl says:

      Haha- I missed the LDR too!! There has to be a lot of mutual love and respect in a LDR, this guy is giving the LW neither. How can she trust him? Save your cell phone minutes and texts and find a guy who loves you and your curves.

    2. ReginaRey says:

      WHOA, did NOT even realize that. Guess we were all too concentrated on his douchebaggery. Seriously! If this is an LDR, I’m also concerned that he could be cheating on her – if he’s saying this shit, I wouldn’t put it past him to be out there actively attempting (or successful) banging other chicks. Just all around MOA.

  51. The only thing I’ll add to what everyone else is (correctly) saying is that this guy sounds way too old to be hung up on how “hot” his girlfriend is. Maybe it’s a product of my own age (41), but a functional adult should be much more concerned with how smart, funny, sensitive, thoughtful, generous, moral, [the list could go on all day] person a potential life partner is than how “hot” he or she is. I realize my partner will never be on the cover of Vogue, and I have to say it’s not a real pressing concern for me. So, assuming this guy is out of high school, it sounds you can add immaturity and warped priorities to the list of fine qualities other commenters have discussed.

    1. Immaturity is a part of the “douche-boy” package. Typical symptoms of a “douche” are:

      -Inability to shut one’s trap
      -Cruelty (verbal, emotional and/or physical)
      -Cheapness (monetary, compliments, gifts, etc)
      -Quick to insult friends/family, unless comparing their “hot” attributes to their girlfriends’
      -Unreasonable expectations in what a girlfriend should have (“hotness factors”, body types, submissiveness, virgins, etc,)

      Anyone else have specifics for the “Douche-Boy” type?

    2. SpaceySteph says:

      I know a guy who is in his 30s who still only dates “hot” girls. Despite not being a looker himself. And most of them are dumb as hell.
      He always laments that he can never “find anyone” but still will only hit on and ask out girls who fit the textbook definition of “hot.” To find love, he needs to look for an emotional connection.
      Hopefully the LW’s bf will learn that one day, but the LW has already hung around too long hoping for that epiphany to strike. Time to move on.

  52. bittergaymark says:

    Really? I just think she has a piss poor attitude. She talks about how short she is… How she could lose a few pounds… She even admits to eating too much and that she looks like a cartoon. Bah! She’s so down on herself! How could anybody find THAT attractive? Plus in the back of her mind she says she knows she’s not good looking enough. Again, such a sour puss! Attitude. Attitude. Attitude. Snap out of it, woman. Oh, and maybe she should try wearing a little bit more make up, too! That always helps!

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      Thought you got banned.

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        I should’ve bit my tongue. I take it back. The negativity is just tiresome.

      2. bittergaymark says:

        Actually, my entire post was a satire of the responses to the letter yesterday where the girl was bitter about missing one hand….

      3. lets_be_honest says:

        Yes, I know. That was obvious.

      4. ForeverYoung says:

        Purple thumb. I’m glad to see you back Mark!!

      5. 6napkinburger says:

        He’s being ironic. He thought the response to the previous LW was… misguided/harsh, and he’s showing what it looks like applied here, drawing attention to the disconnect with how commenters responded to her and how they are responding to this LW.

      6. lets_be_honest says:

        I could tell. There’s just better ways of getting the point across. Like the way you did, for example.

      7. i think the tone of the two letters was completely different. while i agree that some of the commenters were harsh i still do believe that the LW from yesterday needs to learn to change her outlook. not saying that will be easy or that she was dealt a fair lot in life but it is what it is. if you assume ALL people are like the ones she has drawn her conclusions from you will be alone not only without a significant other but without friends too.

        both LWs need a good dose of self esteem. this one asked a very different question which is why the responses she is getting are different.

  53. phoenix28 says:

    DTMFA!!!! NO one has the right to make you feel bad about yourself, much less someone who is supposed to care about you! This post hits a nerve with me because my ex was this way too, snarky little comments that were “jokingly” said that slowly ate away my confidence and made me feel horrible. MOA lw! You (actually everyone) deserves to be with someone who not only loves them as they are but treats them with respect and care!

  54. demoiselle says:

    Have we ever seen a letter from a man which followed this pattern? I just wonder what it is about the way we raise girls in our culture (speaking as an American, and perhaps making an unwarranted assumption about the LW’s nationality) that so many women can rationalize being treated so badly as sweet and nice. Where does that cognitive dissonance come from? And how can we begin to heal as a culture?

    Coming here late in the day, I am sure the LW has gotten the same advice over and over, so I will not repeat the obvious. I just wish I knew why so many of us deceive ourselves so fully, to our own detriment.

    1. Good question. I think it’s partially because as females, we are bombarded with the “ideal” image of a woman on a second-by-second basis in advertising all around us. TV, billboards, buses, movies, magazines, books, internet ads, etc. The perfect woman is not what most of us look like, and if we don’t look like the “perfect” woman, we must not be the ideal of beautiful and if we are not ideal beautiful we must be the opposite which is ugly.
      If we are ugly, then we should be grateful for any guy who is willing to be with us. In the last 100 years, women have made great strides socially/economically. We no longer need a man to take care of us, even though sometimes, we are still sometimes judged based on our “guy” status. Some are shamed by older relatives for not being married at 30/35 yet. Some are guilted for not giving parents grandchildren (or being with a guy to give grandchildren!).

      My grandmother still bitches that I work, let alone work full time. She’s gotten better about it when she realized I make more money than my uncle (her favorite) does, and make more money than my SO would if he were the one to work full time instead of being the one who gets to stay home and raise the youngest. She still thinks I should get remarried (preferably to my 2nd ex-husband) and “settle down” by being a stay-at-home mother and let “the man of the house” take care of the “bills and things”. Things being finances. That’s just not me. I tell her that she and my grandpa helped raise me to be an independent woman who didn’t let anyone take care of me, and they are stuck with the results!

      1. “I tell her that she and my grandpa helped raise me to be an independent woman who didn’t let anyone take care of me, and they are stuck with the results!”

        thats so funny!

        i totally agree about older generations of women still contribuiting to the problem. i can only imagine what my grandmothers, who wore heels while “cleaning” the house (read: following around maids who were actually cleaning) would think of me, making more money then my boyfriend, paying rent and things… i think that maybe once they are gone, and there are generally more of the more independently minded women out there, it might get better. we can only hope.

  55. damn… i wouldnt take this behavior from ANYONE i converse with on a regular/semi-regular basis. ever. it is just disrespectful to say those things to another human being- i dont care if its a student/teacher, mom/daughter, friends, whatever..

    surround yourself with people who make you feel good. hold your friends and potential mates to high standards, for gods sake!

    1. ForeverYoung says:

      I like that – that’s such an easy and positive way to look at this situation- surround yourself with people who make you feel good. It really is that simple. A life with this man would be miserable. Not even getting into the disrespectful and abusive aspects of this – why would anyone want to be with someone who makes them feel bad about themselves? Such negative energy would be draining.

      1. thanks! i was made fun of a lot in junior high, and my mom would always tell me that i dont have to listen to them- i dont even have to hear them say it, i can just leave and not talk to them.

        i guess it is a pretty simple concept… i have just learned that your life is a lot happier when you are around people who make you happy, not people who sometimes make you happy, but then still make awful comments about you (junior highers, ugh.. lol). and now, i dont take any crap! lol. i do hold the people i am around to very high standards.

  56. SpyGlassez says:

    LW: Are you fat? I dunno. Maybe, maybe not. Do you deserve to be with someone who makes fun of you for being fat, whether or not you are? No. Take it from me. I’m short, I’m curvy, AND I’m fat. My boyfriend still says I am the hottest woman he’s ever been with. As a matter of fact, he hates it when I “fat-dump” on myself, or go off about my bad skin (I had juvenile acne that transitioned seamlessly into adult acne, and no medication or face wash helps) or rage about my white-fro (my hair is a NIGHTMARE). That’s what you deserve, LW – someone who looks at you and sees YOU, the sexy woman you are.

    If you want to lose weight, awesome – I’m doing it and it’s slowly but surely helping me. If you don’t, awesome – but do NOT let this douche make it into some kind of sick competition. Your life isn’t a teen movie and he doesn’t get to make you over.

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      Total aside-I would suggest pro-activ. I had horrible, horrible acne through my teen years and it only got worse in my twenties. Painful, all over the face, huge acne, scars from it, you name it. My girlfriend gave me pro-activ a year or so ago and I look like a different person now. I had tried everything. Its a different world not being covered in acne, wondering if people are only looking at my awful skin rather than me, not having to try to cover it up with makeup. Highly recommend it.

      1. SpyGlassez says:

        I tried proactiv a while back for a couple of years. It worked in the beginning, then began working less. I was on the sensitive skin formula, though. I probably could try it again. I know it worked wonders for a college friend! 😀

      2. lets_be_honest says:

        I should’ve added I tried it in high school with no results. Maybe a new formula? Def worth a shot! Good luck 🙂

  57. Before you break up with him (which needs to happen SOON), please give him a taste of his own medicine. Let him know just how unattractive he is. Because I highly doubt this guy has ONE redeeming quality- inside or out.

  58. TheGirlinME says:

    Please, dear LW do not put up with one more minute of this galloping asshattery! As everyone has pointed out, no one who truly LOVES you, would treat you this way.

  59. I’m with H down here.

    But first, what’s with all this bad-mouthing of douche? Call me old-fashioned if you must, but douche simply means to clean or to shower. And isn’t that what douche really does anyway? I mean, come on, douche is great for those who need it. And the nozzle? You want to try douching without it? No, the nozzle is is vital and helpful. Don’t even get me started on the “bag” part either– you want the douche all over everywhere? No, of course you don’t. You want it nice & contained, safely in the mother-loving bag.

    This guy is an abusive jerk, let’s not malign Mother Massingill for the misdeeds of a mere miscreant! 🙂

  60. This guy is a total ass. Drop him. it doesnt matter what you look like, your bf should find you hot because he’s in love with you. people get more attractive as love deepens imho. dont take that crap from him any longer. you will feel better about yourself after you leave, and start a new healthy relationship with someone else. My first relationship was sort of similar. he could not ‘love’ me the way I needed to be loved, and when I moved on, I looked back and realized the emotional abuse that was happening. it was subtle enough that there were no alarms that went off, but now I see it for what it is.

    move on sista, find someone that loves you for you, nothing less.

  61. I’ve only read your first paragraph. Why are you with this guy? The very first time he uttered a thought like that I would have been long gone.

    Okay, going back to read the rest. MOA

  62. I’ve only read your first paragraph. Why are you with this guy? The very first time he uttered a thought like that I would have been long gone.

    Okay, going back to read the rest. MOA

  63. Oh honey, no.

    I had a boyfriend who used to treat me not quite this badly, but he was no prize in the Offhanded Girlfriend-Related Comments department either. I dumped him (eventually). I learned there are men who will treat you with the respect you deserve, but first you need to believe you deserve it. So, believe in your own self-worth and dump this asshat.

  64. Even if you are the size of a small house, that is no reason for someone who is supposed to be in love with you to deliberately hurt you.He is an insecure prat who hopes that if he manages to make you feel insecure enough yourself, you will not leave him as he fears you will (and you should,if he’s cruel now,he’ll be vicious later.) It seems to me that he already KNOWS you are too good for him and is trying to undermine you in the hopes that he will kill your selfconfidence to the extent that you will be grateful to have even him. And he is just using your friend to hurt you (and probably drive a wedge between you and said friend, prats like that don’t like girl friends- they make you feel good about yourself, which frightens the bejaysus out of him.)
    Whether you are hot or not is not the issue.(and is purely subjective anyway, as your next boyfriend, the one who can’t get enough of you, will tell you) This guy would be trying to make you feel bad however good you looked.In fact, the better you look, the more he’d shit bricks, ’cause he already knows you are out of his league in some way, or he wouldn’t need to treat you like this.Leave him now, and tell him why, in the hopes that there is a halfway decent human being lurking underneath all his cruel bullshit capable of learning how not to behave next time. Long shot, probably.But not your problem.’Cause you are moving on to something way, way, better.(just for your own satisfaction, though, get a couple of good quotes direct from your “hot” friend about how much she despises him.Just as an object lesson in how THAT feels.)
    Nobody wants their partner to be an obsequious liar, telling them they are prettier than the lovechild of Kylie and Johnny Depp- but someone who loves you should…err love you!All of you.I can’t see either you or your saddo BF, but I know who looks less than hot from here, and it’s not you.
    Better luck next time,and may he be plagued with big warty boils on the end of his meany-arse nose.

  65. I agree with twiglet. The only way someone would talk to you like that is if they were trying to make you feel bad about yourself so that you’ll sink to their opinion of themselves (and therefore make you good enough to date him). He’s right though, because clearly you are too good to be dating such a jerk.

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