I think this is inappropriate. She finds ways to have him do things for her one-on-one. Because he knows how I feel about it, he has done things for her without letting me know. The truth comes out later, and I feel hurt and betrayed. He is acting naive to their relationship because they have been friends for five years, and he said that, if he had wanted anything with her, he would acted on that desire before.
I am unhappy because I worry that she would like a relationship and, having waited so long for him to approach her, she may now be grabbing for attention. Now that he is in a relationship, she seems jealous and she thinks that I am so lucky. I don’t know what I need to do or say, and I am furious with her while being disappointed in him.
Do you have any good advice for me? I have never tried this method of help, and I look forward to your response. — Ms. Head/Heart Aching
I find it very hard to believe that a 68-year-old man is so naive that, when a single woman calls him multiple times a day over the course of several years and regularly orchestrates one-on-one moments for them, he doesn’t realize that she is interested in him romantically. Maybe he isn’t interested in her romantically, but he certainly enjoys the attention.
That you have expressed your discomfort with the nature of their relationship and he still continues it with as much intensity, even behind your back, suggests several things: he doesn’t care about your feelings; he knows the relationship is shady; he doesn’t want to give up this woman and the attention she gives him. Honestly, even if the latter two points aren’t true — and I think they are — we know for sure the first point is true and that is bad enough. A man who doesn’t care about your feelings — who puts his and another woman’s feelings above yours — is NOT marriage material.
It’s time to put your foot down and demand that your boyfriend stop giving inappropriate attention to his “play sister” and start being honest with you about his intentions. Does he really see a future with you? If so, he’ll tell his “play sister” that he respects his girlfriend too much to continue giving her such intimate and personalized attention on a regular basis. He’ll make you a priority and let you know, in no uncertain terms, that you are enough for him and that he doesn’t need a “play sister” calling him every day.
If he can’t do that for you — if he is still more interested in maintaining this “friendship” than nurturing and honoring the relationship he has with you, then you have your answer and you’d be wise to MOA (move on already).
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.