Quickies: “My Boyfriend Has Been Sending Love Messages to His Ex”

A few months ago I found out my boyfriend had been talking to his ex for a couple months. I read their texts and then confronted him. He was sending her love messages and saying that we were broken up. He was asking to get back together with her, and she was denying him. He told me that his ex was suicidal because of their break-up and that her father asked him to act interested in her so she wouldn’t hurt herself. He said he had no romantic feelings for her anymore and was just telling her those things to comfort her. He even told me they hung out a few times to talk, but nothing more.

I chose to believe him and we’ve been having a wonderful summer together, but I have not been able to trust him and I question everything he does. Lately, I can’t stop wondering whether he made up that story about his ex. Should I confront her and ask her what really happened? — Feeling a Little Sus

No, you should not confront the ex. You should listen to your gut and employ common sense. Do you really think if someone were truly suicidal, her father would reach out to the guy who broke her heart and ask him to act interested in her and like he wanted to get back together? Do you really think that’s the approach a loving father would take to help his suicidal daughter? If you think that sounds a little fishy and probably isn’t the real story, and if you’re having trouble trusting your boyfriend, you need to listen to your gut. The person you should confront is your boyfriend — for lying to you and trying to cheat on you behind your back. And then you should move on.

My boyfriend of four years broke up with me last night. We were really the cutest couple and everyone loved us together and we were so much in love. I have never been happier in my life than with him. In the past six months, a lot of stuff has been going on in his life and I wanted to be there for him, but he was so stressed out by everything and started paying less attention to me, which has led to a lot of bitterness. Yesterday he said that he can’t give me now what I deserve and that we should spend the rest of the summer apart and see what it’s like. Do you think there’s a chance that he’ll figure himself out during this separation time and that we could get back together? — Hoping for Another Chance

My gut feeling is that telling you that he wanted the rest of summer to see what it would be like was his way of softening the blow for you (and likely for him too). It sounds like he’s been falling out of love with you or realizes that he can’t meet your need for attention – especially when he’s experiencing stressful life events — and that your bitterness around that doesn’t lead to a sustainable relationship and he’s simply ready to part ways. I’m sure it’s hard for him — you’ve been together for four years — and calling this a break instead of a “break up” softens the blow for him, too. But, yeah. I’d say it’s probably over.
These posts about getting through difficult breakups may be helpful for you.

I’ve been in love with my boyfriend, Wayne, since we met over the winter. Our relationship was perfect throughout the winter and spring, but things changed when summer started and I don’t know why. He’ll say things like “you deserve better than this,” but it’s not like he treats me badly. Now he tells me “it was love once,” but his feelings “come and go,” and that he “won’t get better with time.” Wendy, what do I do? Besides this, our relationship is perfect. He’s always there for me when I need him. He’s the one I want to spend my life with, but now I’m not sure if he really doesn’t feel the same, or if this is just a phase that he’s going through. Should I walk away before he breaks my heart, or do you think there is hope for us and I should see it through? — Confused About His Feelings

He’s telling you his feelings have changed, which happens in relationships, particularly after the honeymoon period has started to wane. You’ve been together about—-what, eight or nine months? And now he’s saying that it was love once but it isn’t anymore and his feelings “won’t get better with time.” I think he probably is NOT the one you’ll be spending your life with and that your relationship isn’t really “perfect” and that you should move on if you two are no longer on the same page and wanting the same thing.


  1. LisforLeslie says:

    LW 1: This guy is lying to you and to his ex. You know it.
    LW 2: You wrote a story in which you, the hero, sound really selfish. That’s impressive.
    LW 3: He’s telling you the truth, listen to him.

  2. Anonymous says:

    In other words…”My relationship is perfect except the other person doesn’t want to be in it!” It’s time to MOA, LWs.

  3. In other words…”My relationship is perfect except the other person doesn’t want to be in it!” It’s time to MOA, LWs.

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