Dinner felt very rushed as his friends decided they were no longer going to meet us and he wanted to meet up with them after we finished. When we went back to his place, all the guys showed up for a “guys’ night” with wrestling. Annoyed, I went home. He apologized for how the night had turned out and promised we would hang out the next night. I had already had dinner plans with my friends for a week, so I followed through on those and then met up with him afterward with my overnight bag, as previously planned, around 9 p.m. When I arrived at our meet-up, he and his friends were all making plans to hang out the following day for lunch. Midnight rolled around and I told him I was tired, but he continued to tell me he wasn’t leaving and if I was tired, I should just go home because he wasn’t ready to leave his friends.
This turned into an argument as I had been under the impression that we were spending the night together, and I ended up going home alone that night instead. When I told him how much he had hurt me that weekend by making me feel like I was a lesser priority to him than his friends, we talked it over and he apologized for his behavior.
Fast forward to this weekend, I had invited him to dinner with my family Friday night. He told me ahead of time that his roommates were having the guys over and our night would probably end at dinner (which I was ok with). But then during dinner he told me they weren’t home yet and that we could do a wine-and-movie night. I agreed and went home to grab a few things. When I got home, he told me his friends had just gotten to his place, and I felt stupid that I had gotten my hopes up.
I stayed home until later on when he realized I was upset and told me to come over. We talked it over again, and I told him how I understand that he needs “guy time,” but I want “us time.” Then tonight he asked what I was up to and asked if I wanted to come hang with him and his friends. He then said he wasn’t sure what they were doing and asked if I wanted to come over anyway. I agreed, only to have him say, as I was getting ready, “Change of plans – it’s actually just the guys.”
I am looking for some advice because I really don’t know what to do anymore. I love him so much and things have been so good, so I don’t want petty arguments to end everything. But at the same time, at the age of 23, I am beyond sick of crying over a boy every weekend — Feeling Dismissed
These aren’t petty arguments you’re having. Your boyfriend is regularly dismissing you and your feelings, choosing his friends over you, and sending a pretty clear signal that he has already emotionally moved on from your relationship. It may have been “over-the-top amazing,” but that is clearly no longer the case and your boyfriend doesn’t seem to care. Here’s the thing – the beginnings of relationships are often “over-the-top amazing,” particularly when you’re 23 and none of your emotional bandwidth is seemingly spent on things like, oh I don’t know, a raging pandemic and how to keep yourself and your community safe.
When you are free of more adult-like responsibilities, it’s easy to devote a ton of attention to a relationship and feel like it’s super special as a result. But, if just a year in, the availability for the relationship hasn’t changed but the interest in it has – like in your boyfriend’s case – that’s a bad sign. It means the relationship has run its course. The excitement and thrill that fueled the early days have run out.
Making a relationship work when you’re fueled by thrill and excitement and lust is the easy part. The harder part – and the part that will really tell you whether a relationship has legs – is keeping it going once that initial rush wears off. And that’s where you are now. The initial rush is gone and your boyfriend is, frankly, over it. Not even the promise of sex (assuming that’s what happens on your wine and movie nights when you sleep over) wins out over a night spent wrestling with his guy friends. Dude, that’s not good.
You’ve already discussed with your boyfriend how he makes you feel when he blows you off like he has (and that’s good that you are speaking up for yourself). He gives you platitudes about understanding and being sorry, but then he just repeats exactly the same behavior that you literally just told him hurts you. He doesn’t care. He can’t be bothered. He has already emotionally moved on. The only reason he hasn’t broken up with you is because that would take a modicum of effort. It’s easier for him to just keep treating you like shit and let you do the work of breaking up. I would advise doing just that and moving on already.