In addition, he tells me his roommate has been very close to the family for the past decade. If that were true, she would have her own invite and not be going as his date. He also only met her in the past two years, so nothing he is saying is adding up.
He knows exactly how I feel about the situation, but he will do nothing to change it. — Not Invited to the Wedding
If your boyfriend is saying that his roommate has been close to his family for a decade but she didn’t get her own invitation to the wedding and he’s only known her for two years, then you’re right that something isn’t adding up (which is a nice way of saying that maybe he’s lying). It’s also strange that your boyfriend asked his roommate to be his date to a wedding that was more than ten months away (based on your saying that the wedding is now four months away and he asked her before he met you, which was more than six months ago). Even if that were true, you wouldn’t think that such an “invite” would be set in stone so far in advance, and that both — especially your boyfriend! — would be amenable to a change considering that he now has a girlfriend whom he didn’t have all those months ago when he says he made the initial invitation to his roommate.
As you say, you’ve made it known to your boyfriend how you feel about his bringing another woman to the wedding instead of you and he “will do nothing to change it.” You cannot change his behavior. You can change how you react to it though. Have you considered or talked to him about why he may not want to change his plans and bring you? Maybe he’s uncomfortable with the speed at which you say your relationship has gotten serious, and he’s afraid bringing you on a family trip to Europe will only further accelerate things beyond what he’s ready for. That’s one theory certainly worth discussing with him. Think of this as an excuse to have what might be a much-needed state of the union address to see if you two are, indeed, on the same page.
If you discover that you are not on the same page, or that you are on the same page in general but just not in terms of this wedding, you’ll have to decide what your next move will be. Again, you cannot change his behavior; you only have control over your own. If you think you’re on different pages in terms of the relationship and its level of commitment, are you willing to wait to see if you eventually get on the same page? Can you deal with his taking his roommate to this wedding and still be open-hearted in the relationship and not resentful? Do you even trust him after these statements he’s made that don’t add up? If the answer to any of those questions is no, it’s probably best for you to move on.
Also, not for nothing, but maybe you don’t need to be texting his mother so much (or, like at all) at this point. I could imagine that that could be a source of concern for someone who’s only been dating his girlfriend a handful of months and doesn’t feel committed enough to bring her to his brother’s wedding… Just some food for thought!
He is okay leaving me on my own while he is having fun with his family, but if I’m having a holiday with mine, he always comes, invited or not invited. Now that we are getting married, I really can’t be okay being left behind anymore. It just doesn’t sound right to leave a wife behind to have a holiday with mother/grandmother. Recently, his cousin — whom he’s not so close with—she never wishes him a happy birthday and she used to bully him when they were kids—-is getting married, and, once again, my visa took a long time to get approved so I cannot accompany him. His mom is threatening him to still go, saying “you will regret it for your whole life and never forgive yourself if you don’t come.” I really don’t think the cousin cares one way or another, since she hasn’t talked to him since they went to Disneyland together when they were nine or ten, but no matter how much I tell him “it’s not appropriate for a husband-to-be to leave his future bride behind,” he just apologizes and promises this will not happen again. I am still very upset because the wedding is only a few hours in duration, but he is staying in the city for at least three to four days to vacation with his family.
I always feel left out and having to fight for his attention from his own mother. I don’t think it’s fair for a 25-year-old man to put me in that position.
Am I just being oversensitive about this? — Tired of Being Left Behind
Yeah, you’er being over-sensitive about it. Why should your fiancé have to skip a family reunion because you couldn’t get your visa in time to travel with him? And, I mean, of course he’s staying in a foreign country for a few days even though the wedding itself is just a few hours. Most people don’t go to the expense and time of traveling that far only to stay one day. Even three or four days isn’t very long. If you can’t handle being apart from him for a few days, you probably aren’t really ready to get married, and would benefit from being on your own for a while and cultivating some independence. If you don’t understand how a family wedding might be more about just the individual relationships between the guests and the bride and groom — how a family wedding is also an opportunity to reunite with extended relatives you maybe haven’t seen in a long time and to celebrate family and love and your heritage — then maybe you need a little more time before you have your own wedding.
In short, you don’t sound mature enough to be making the kind of commitment marriage requires of you. You don’t sound ready to emotionally support someone else if the support is in conflict with your own desires. And you definitely don’t sound ready to make his family your family. All of these things are necessary in creating a loving, happy, and successful relationship. If you’re still in a position of feeling like you are fighting for his attention, I don’t understand why you’re planning to marry him. That’s kind of the last thing you should feel in the weeks before committing yourself for life to another person.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.