Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Boyfriend is Bringing Another Woman as His Date to His Brother’s Wedding”

I have been dating someone for almost six months now. It has gotten serious quickly. I’ve met his family, and I text with his mother consistently. However, in four months time his brother is getting married in Europe and he is bringing his female roommate as his date. When I found out about it, I got very upset, but he told me he had already asked her before he met me.

In addition, he tells me his roommate has been very close to the family for the past decade. If that were true, she would have her own invite and not be going as his date. He also only met her in the past two years, so nothing he is saying is adding up.

He knows exactly how I feel about the situation, but he will do nothing to change it. — Not Invited to the Wedding

If your boyfriend is saying that his roommate has been close to his family for a decade but she didn’t get her own invitation to the wedding and he’s only known her for two years, then you’re right that something isn’t adding up (which is a nice way of saying that maybe he’s lying). It’s also strange that your boyfriend asked his roommate to be his date to a wedding that was more than ten months away (based on your saying that the wedding is now four months away and he asked her before he met you, which was more than six months ago). Even if that were true, you wouldn’t think that such an “invite” would be set in stone so far in advance, and that both — especially your boyfriend! — would be amenable to a change considering that he now has a girlfriend whom he didn’t have all those months ago when he says he made the initial invitation to his roommate.

As you say, you’ve made it known to your boyfriend how you feel about his bringing another woman to the wedding instead of you and he “will do nothing to change it.” You cannot change his behavior. You can change how you react to it though. Have you considered or talked to him about why he may not want to change his plans and bring you? Maybe he’s uncomfortable with the speed at which you say your relationship has gotten serious, and he’s afraid bringing you on a family trip to Europe will only further accelerate things beyond what he’s ready for. That’s one theory certainly worth discussing with him. Think of this as an excuse to have what might be a much-needed state of the union address to see if you two are, indeed, on the same page.

If you discover that you are not on the same page, or that you are on the same page in general but just not in terms of this wedding, you’ll have to decide what your next move will be. Again, you cannot change his behavior; you only have control over your own. If you think you’re on different pages in terms of the relationship and its level of commitment, are you willing to wait to see if you eventually get on the same page? Can you deal with his taking his roommate to this wedding and still be open-hearted in the relationship and not resentful? Do you even trust him after these statements he’s made that don’t add up? If the answer to any of those questions is no, it’s probably best for you to move on.

Also, not for nothing, but maybe you don’t need to be texting his mother so much (or, like at all) at this point. I could imagine that that could be a source of concern for someone who’s only been dating his girlfriend a handful of months and doesn’t feel committed enough to bring her to his brother’s wedding… Just some food for thought!

I have been in a relationship for over four years with my current fiancé, and we are planning to get married in a month’s time. Coming from a different country than my fiancé, I have to go through the pain of visa applications whenever his family plans an international vacation/trip, which he mother doesn’t seem to care about. Often she’ll demand him to come, saying “this may be the last time you go on vacation with your grandmother,” or “this maybe the last time you will see your grandparents,” etc.

He is okay leaving me on my own while he is having fun with his family, but if I’m having a holiday with mine, he always comes, invited or not invited. Now that we are getting married, I really can’t be okay being left behind anymore. It just doesn’t sound right to leave a wife behind to have a holiday with mother/grandmother. Recently, his cousin — whom he’s not so close with—she never wishes him a happy birthday and she used to bully him when they were kids—-is getting married, and, once again, my visa took a long time to get approved so I cannot accompany him. His mom is threatening him to still go, saying “you will regret it for your whole life and never forgive yourself if you don’t come.” I really don’t think the cousin cares one way or another, since she hasn’t talked to him since they went to Disneyland together when they were nine or ten, but no matter how much I tell him “it’s not appropriate for a husband-to-be to leave his future bride behind,” he just apologizes and promises this will not happen again. I am still very upset because the wedding is only a few hours in duration, but he is staying in the city for at least three to four days to vacation with his family.

I always feel left out and having to fight for his attention from his own mother. I don’t think it’s fair for a 25-year-old man to put me in that position.

Am I just being oversensitive about this? — Tired of Being Left Behind

 
Yeah, you’er being over-sensitive about it. Why should your fiancé have to skip a family reunion because you couldn’t get your visa in time to travel with him? And, I mean, of course he’s staying in a foreign country for a few days even though the wedding itself is just a few hours. Most people don’t go to the expense and time of traveling that far only to stay one day. Even three or four days isn’t very long. If you can’t handle being apart from him for a few days, you probably aren’t really ready to get married, and would benefit from being on your own for a while and cultivating some independence. If you don’t understand how a family wedding might be more about just the individual relationships between the guests and the bride and groom — how a family wedding is also an opportunity to reunite with extended relatives you maybe haven’t seen in a long time and to celebrate family and love and your heritage — then maybe you need a little more time before you have your own wedding.

In short, you don’t sound mature enough to be making the kind of commitment marriage requires of you. You don’t sound ready to emotionally support someone else if the support is in conflict with your own desires. And you definitely don’t sound ready to make his family your family. All of these things are necessary in creating a loving, happy, and successful relationship. If you’re still in a position of feeling like you are fighting for his attention, I don’t understand why you’re planning to marry him. That’s kind of the last thing you should feel in the weeks before committing yourself for life to another person.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

35 comments… add one
  • avatar

    brise April 1, 2019, 9:08 am

    LW1: there is an easy solution. Ask your BF to take you as his date to this wedding, and to get from his brother an invitation for his roommate. Done.
    If he refuses, then I would start to find it shady. I can’t imagine a groom refuse an invitation for his brother’s new serious girlfriend of six months.
    By the way, stop texting the mum. What are you thinking? If you get married, you will have plenty of time to chat with her and it seems just too much, too soon.

    LW2: he lives with you in your country and you don’t let him go visit his family? Jesus!

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      MissD April 1, 2019, 10:09 am

      re LW 2 – I don’t think that’s what she’s saying. She’s saying that she can’t travel with him because she requires a visa to travel. Americans and Canadians are pretty lucky in that, most places, all you need is your passport if you want to visit.

      That’s not the case for many people from other countries. My boyfriend has to apply for a Schengen visa like every 3 months just to be able to travel for work. It’s a pain in the ass and sometimes visa applications can take forever.

      So, I think what she’s trying to say is that she’s unable to travel with him because of the visa issue. And she’s upset that he’s going anyway. But Wendy is right that she needs to chill out and learn to deal with her fiance being away for a few days.

      Reply Link
      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy April 1, 2019, 10:24 am

        Yeah, that’s how I read it, too. I know visa applications can take forever, and I can understand feeling frustrated if these vacations are not planned far enough in advance for the LW to get a visa and join, but that’s not her boyfriend’s fault, and he shouldn’t be punished by being blamed for accompanying his family on family vacations. It’s not so much “leaving his bride to be behind,” as it is just living his life. Sometimes, even when two people are married, their lives may take them to separate places on occasion. You need to be able to cope with that, not just for a happy and healthy marriage, but to be a happy, functional person in the world.

        Link
      • avatar

        MissD April 1, 2019, 10:30 am

        Yes, I completely agree with you, Wendy.

        Link
    • avatar

      MissD April 1, 2019, 10:16 am

      Although, if I’m wrong and he actually is living in her country and just travelling home, that’s even worse and she’s being ridiculously selfish. My boyfriend just went home to South Asia for 2 weeks and guess what, I was completely fine.

      Reply Link
  • bagge72

    bagge72 April 1, 2019, 10:18 am

    Lw1: I mean it is possible that the roommate was a family friend before she became his roommate. It could be his parents friends kid and they were both looking for roommates so they hooked them up together, or something along those lines. 6 months dating does not necessarily require an invite to a family wedding, and maybe he thinks you are taking it way too quickly and this is his way of slowing it down. Seems you need to have some more talks with him to work this out. Oh and stop talking to is mom so much!

    LW2: this seems more of a you problem than a him problem. The only way I can think of this not being ok would be if you didn’t vacation together at all, because he only vacations with his parents, but it seems that you do spend time together with your family on vacation (which you don’t like?) so that isn’t the case. Do you guys ever take vacations alone?

    Reply Link
  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom April 1, 2019, 10:29 am

    LW1 Have they purchased the tickets yet and if so when? Tickets are often nonrefundable and you can’t just let someone else use your ticket. You must prove who you are multiple times before getting on the plane. The entire name must match your passport exactly. If he asked her to go and then they purchased the tickets and then he started dating you he really can’t easily switch things around. They might be able to add you in addition to the roommate but you couldn’t go in her place. If they are just buying the tickets now then I’d wonder about the entire situation.

    Reply Link
  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom April 1, 2019, 10:43 am

    LW2 My husband comes from another country. There is no visa required for us to travel together but there are times when my husband flies to see his family and I’m not along. Sometimes it just doesn’t work for everyone to go. That’s part of being in an international marriage. You can’t expect it to be just like a local marriage.

    It sounds like you and your fiance live in the same country. You see him most of the time and his family sees him a little. Think of how much time you get compared to how much time they get. If you are competing with his mother you are way ahead. It is possible they will never like you because you aren’t someone local. It is possible that his mom will always try to keep you away from family vacations. If she hates you for stealing her son you still need to be a nice person. You still need to realize that he has chosen you over them. You need to realize that you get most of his time and attention.

    His family may be unhappy because marrying you probably means that he won’t come back to live at home. Maybe they aren’t handling that well. Perhaps if you could see your marriage as their loss of a son you could feel some compassion.

    There are a few things you husband can try to do. He can ask them to plan their vacations much further in advance so that he can take you with him. He could ask them to plan a vacation in a place that doesn’t require you to have a visa, if that is possible on their budget. Maybe your husband could plan his family’s next vacation.

    The thing you shouldn’t do is try to make him choose between you and his family. Going on vacation without you doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you or doesn’t value you. He is giving up living near his family to be married to you.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Poppy April 1, 2019, 12:40 pm

      LW1 – My husbands best friend just married someone he had only known a YEAR! He propsoed at 6 months. We all have the typical warning/concerns when anyone moves fast in their relationships but we have to mute our concerns/warnings since he and she are adults who can make whatever decision they choose. Some people can meet someone instantly and spend forever with but that is rare. 6 months in a relationship you still dont know that person well enough to make calls such as demanding you be his date to his brothers wedding. So for starters, this is his brothers wedding and on top of it its in another country. You dont mention his role in his brothers wedding but most siblings are in the wedding so he might be to busy in his brothers wedding that he doesnt have time to cater to you . 2. Cost could be a factor. If he invites you he might feel obligated to front additional travel cost he doesnt have or want to spend on you. 3. His family might be more traditional/conservator type and he doesn’t want to offend them by sharing a room with you, etc 4. He might not be ready to introduce you to his entire family. Also, during this time family pictures will be taken and sometimes it can awkward on whether or not to include dating couples or not. At 6 months in it could be very awkward to include you in on wedding pictures. His roommate may have known his family for a decade and him only two years. If you think something doesnt add up then ask ” Hey Joe, how is it roommate has known your family for a decade but you have only known her two years?” People perceive relationsips different from others. His perception could be he has known who she is for a decade but not literally known her personally until two years ago. Lastly, thats great you get along with his mother but it sounds more like you are trying to butter up to her and push this relationship faster then it should be.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      Poppy April 1, 2019, 12:43 pm

      @Skyblossom I didnt mean to add my comment under your post

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    Mimi April 1, 2019, 11:14 am

    LW2, I think you should pay more attention to the way your boyfriend’s mother lays guilt trips on him to get him to do what she wants and he complies right away, even though you two have talked about it and he says it won’t happen again. Is he allowed to go on vacation with his family (without you) and stay a few extra days? Yes, of course. Do all these trips and events have to be so last-minute that you can never go along because of visa issues? No, they don’t.
    He is the one who doesn’t sound mature enough to marry at this point. Until he recognizes that he is an adult who does not have to jump when his Mama says so, he’s not ready to prioritize you and your relationship over her demands. Do yourself a favor and postpone the wedding, maybe indefinitely.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      SpaceySteph April 1, 2019, 3:19 pm

      I agree. Either his family are poor planners or they deliberately plan these things to exclude her. Going on the occasional trip is not an issue but the fact that he can’t stand up to his mother ever IS an issue. Marrying a man who has no boundaries with his mother is not a recipe for happiness.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    CanadaGoose April 1, 2019, 11:17 am

    LW2 – Competing with your fiance’s family for his attention is the road to misery for all. It’s not reasonable for you to expect his family to plan their holidays with your ability to get a visa in mind. His mother is right when she flags that his grandparents won’t be around forever. You don’t care about that but clearly she does, your fiance likely does, and for all you know the grandparents have asked his mother to do all she can to get him to come. It’s not a personal sleight.

    Why does he come on your family holidays if he’s not invited? Do you insist? That seems odd.

    If you are in this relationship for the long haul, don’t make your partner pick between you and his mother/family. You may win but she/they will then dislike you, he may come to resent you, and you will be modelling for future kids that it’s fine to drop your parents once you’re an adult. At 25, you’re not thinking about having your adult children visit you on a regular basis, but once you get there, you will be glad if you showed, by example, that it is normal for adult children to continue to prioritize seeing their parents as part of their lives. It’s also normal for adult, married people to travel alone sometimes. Hang out with your friends when he’s away, or better yet, go see your own parents. I am sure they’d be thrilled for the visit.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    keyblade April 1, 2019, 11:38 am

    “which his mother doesn’t seem to care about. Often, she’ll demand he to come, saying “this may be the last time you go on vacation with your grandmother,” or “this maybe the last time you will see your grandparents,” etc.”

    “His mom is threatening him to still go, saying “you will regret it for your whole life and never forgive yourself if you don’t come.”

    “It just didn’t sound right to “leave wife behind to have a holiday with mother/grandmother.”

    So what I’m hearing is you are having your own wedding in a month’s time and you resent that your fiance is going. It isn’t okay to demand that he skip a family event he wants to attend, simply because you can’t. You seem to have it in your head that he is easily emotionally manipulated into appeasing his parents and that if you don’t fight for a place at his side, they will railroad him into doing things he claims he doesn’t want to do without consideration to your feelings.

    If you think your fiance isn’t mature enough to make his own decisions or stand up to his mother without you imposing your will and demanding he do so in a way you understand, you should delay your wedding and take a good amount of time to figure out how to listen to each other and trust the other to make good decisions for themselves and for the union. Getting married won’t change your trust and ability to communicate with your fiance. You don’t want him to just cow down to you, anymore than most people would want to be with someone who allows their parents to call the shots in their adult lives.

    It may be embarrassing but I suggest you call off the wedding for the time being. You are already resentful that he is leaving for three or four days before the big event. Even if it is temporarily embarrassing or inconvenient, you should avoid marrying someone for the legal and cultural status if you don’t have the skills you need to feel confident in the marriage.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    anonymousse April 1, 2019, 12:27 pm

    Everyone needs to slow down and relax a little.

    LW1: What is the problem that his roommate, a family friend is going to the wedding as his date? Maybe she really is a family friend. Maybe they’ve already bought expensive, non-transferable tickets. I can understand feeling a little put out, but I don’t think it’s a big deal. It seems kind of rude to expect him to change his plans and disinvite someone. Clearly you do think it’s a big deal, and I think it would be a good exercise for you to ask yourself why this bothers you so much. He’s only been dating you for six months, which isn’t long at all. I think if there’s some insecurity or jealousy going on, you need to own your feelings. Are you concerned he’d cheat on you? Or are you jealous he’ll be sharing a family wedding with his roommate and not you?

    Why are you texting with his mom often? At this stage, I don’t think that’s really a good thing to be doing. It’s too much.

    LW2: It really could be the last time he gets to vacation with his grandmother. A family wedding is important, not just for the bride and groom, but spending that time with his entire family is important. It’s really sad that you are trying to limit his time with his family, even though he lives with you. Generally if someone is coming between someone and their family, it doesn’t go well. He will resent you for holding you back from family events. If you really think you are in a fight with his mother over his attention, you should call off the wedding and see a couples counselor.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    not invited to the wedding April 1, 2019, 1:11 pm

    Thanks for the fresh perspective on the wedding anonymousse. Maybe I shouldn’t assume at this point that I should go to the wedding. However, it is confusing that he’s made all the efforts to have me commit to him, meet his family, and discuss a future with me. I’ve never been pursued this much in my life, and to be honest, I wasn’t looking for anything serious when we met. How can you start planning a life with someone but not be invited to an important family event? As far as the mom goes, she’s taken most of the incentive to keep in contact with me. I can tell he’s not excited about it, but I’m not going to ignore his mother either.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      anonymousse April 6, 2019, 9:44 am

      You’ve been dating six months. Meeting his family, discussing the abstract future and deciding to be exclusively dating are low stake commitments. You weren’t invited to the overseas wedding. That’s not really his fault. You’re a new development in his life.

      Have you even met this brother that’s getting married? Can you understand why the groom might want a woman he’s known as a family friend there, and not someone his brothers just recently started dating?

      You’re making this about you, or the level of commitment he’s made to you and it’s not.

      Regardless, it’s rude and bad manners to request your new bf to disinvite an old family friend because you’ve decided you need to be there.

      Reply Link
  • Copa

    Copa April 1, 2019, 2:05 pm

    LW1: Are you even exclusive? You don’t call him your boyfriend. I don’t necessarily think he is lying. It’s plausible he’s only known his roommate for two years but she’s known his family a lot longer. Nor do I think it’s strange for an international wedding to require additional time to plan logistics. I booked my flights for an international wedding I attended in February over six months out. I also did not invite my boyfriend to this wedding because we hadn’t been dating long enough for me to feel like we were ready for an international trip + wedding together. You don’t say what, specifically, bothers you about this, but if you really think the guy you’ve been dating for almost six months is lying to you in order to take another girl to a wedding, you should end things. Because why date someone you believe to be a liar?

    LW2: My god you’re overreacting! He isn’t visiting his family AT you, and I don’t think it’s weird at all that he’d visit his family solo. His cousin’s wedding was fun for him because he got to spend time with other family that he IS close to, and spending several days in a city you flew to for a wedding is totally normal. Twenty-five is really young to get married and it doesn’t sound like either of you are mature enough for the kind of commitment you’re planning to make. You sound a bit selfish in how much of his attention you require, and he still has his life run by his mommy (who, btw, will be a part of your life as long as you are married).

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      SpaceySteph April 1, 2019, 3:23 pm

      My husband and I have a rule about going to weddings out of town. We know we won’t get to hang out very much with the bride and groom, so we only go if we will get to see other people at the wedding that we don’t get to see often. In light of that, consider that going to this cousin’s wedding isn’t really about seeing the cousin he’s not close to, its about seeing other cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents, etc. that he is close to but doesn’t always get to see.

      Reply Link
  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom April 1, 2019, 2:11 pm

    LW1 You’ve been dating almost six months so less than six months. At what point would it have been right to invite you on an overseas trip? One month in is way to fast and so is two months and three months. Even at four or five months into the relationship how do you know you’ll still be together that many months later? It’s very risky to invite someone you are just beginning to date on such an expensive trip. What would he do if you broke up in the meantime? I think he’s showing good judgement. Relationships that build rapidly often burn out rapidly. Who knows if the two of you will still be together in four more months.

    The fact that he has known her for two years but says his family has known her for ten years and you said nothing shows that you probably don’t trust him. You think you are catching him in a lie. If you trusted him you’d ask about it.

    Him: I’ve known her two years.
    You: Oh, I thought she was a family friend for ten years.

    He then explains why he has known her for two years but his family has known her longer. Maybe she was the friend of a sibling or a cousin and he wasn’t around when the friendship began. The fact that you don’t feel able to ask such a simple question says your relationship isn’t as good as you claim. It is so natural and easy to have this kind of conversation.

    Or your boyfriend is lying to you and telling various stories that don’t add up. That’s what you are assuming. If you don’t think he is trustworthy then you should break up anyway and the two of you won’t be a couple in four months when it is time for him to go to the wedding.

    Reply Link
    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom April 1, 2019, 2:20 pm

      Your relationship may have moved fast but it hasn’t gone far. You’re unable to talk about simple, basic things.

      Reply Link
      • avatar

        Fyodor April 1, 2019, 4:03 pm

        “He is okay leaving me on my own while he is having fun with his family, but if I’m having a holiday with mine, he always come, invited or not invited.”

        This struck me as weird.

        1. What do you mean that he shows up not invited? Does he crash gatherings where he’s unwelcome?

        2. I don’t understand the complaint. Isn’t it a good thing that he tries to spend time with you and your family? It sounds like feel that he shouldn’t get to go on these trips as punishment for your not being to travel with his family, a factor that is out of his control.

        Link
      • avatar

        Fyodor April 1, 2019, 4:03 pm

        “He is okay leaving me on my own while he is having fun with his family, but if I’m having a holiday with mine, he always come, invited or not invited.”

        This struck me as weird.

        1. What do you mean that he shows up not invited? Does he crash gatherings where he’s unwelcome?

        2. I don’t understand the complaint. Isn’t it a good thing that he tries to spend time with you and your family? It sounds like feel that he shouldn’t get to go on these trips as punishment for your not being to travel with his family, a factor that is out of his control.

        Link
    • avatar

      dinoceros April 1, 2019, 5:01 pm

      YES. Everything you said. This isn’t a wedding down the street. It’s in Europe. She had to take off work and book a flight. It would be incredibly uncool of him to disinvite her at the last minute because he’s been dating someone new for a few months. You two haven’t been dating long enough for an invitation to be a given. I wouldn’t invite someone abroad after only six months because the likelihood that you’ll be together then isn’t that high. I’m not trying to be snarky, but it’s not. Plenty of people break up after six months. What do you suppose she should do with her plane ticket if he invited you instead? Do you know the cost of a plane ticket to your location four months from now?

      The idea that if she’s a family friend, she’d get an invite doesn’t make sense either. I know plenty of people who would choose to invite their brother (and his plus one) and not invite a family friend. People don’t invite everyone they know to a wedding.

      Also, the point that Skyblossom makes about trust is a good one. You either trust him or not. If you don’t, you tagging along in the roommate’s place isn’t going to change anything. If you think he’s going to hook up with her in Europe, he certainly will just do it back home.

      Personally, I think you need to chill and consider this a weird logistical thing and then see how the rest of the relationship goes.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    dinoceros April 1, 2019, 5:05 pm

    LW2: So, what exactly do you want him to do? He’s no longer allowed to leave the country or visit family because he’s going to be married to you? You’re being selfish. I think you have to just accept that not everything in life works out perfectly and sometimes things are “unfair.” Sure, it’s hard for you to get a visa. That doesn’t mean you have to lock your husband up and not let him see his family anymore or travel.

    I know that sometimes young adults are a little clingy in relationships, but my stepmom actually enjoys having my dad go off on trips occasionally. It allows her to have “me time” and see her friends. Marriage doesn’t mean you have to be handcuffed to your spouse all the time. It’s ok, and even healthy, to have a life outside of them and to actually be allowed to spend time with family.

    Your marriage isn’t going to work out very well if you only see things through a lens of “how does this affect me” and “how do I feel about this?” Being married means you need to care about this other person’s feelings and not necessarily make them give up stuff simply because you don’t like it.

    Reply Link
  • Dear Wendy

    Dear Wendy April 2, 2019, 5:55 am

    From LW2:

    “I read your reply, and a lot of comments.
    I understand that you believe i am immature and perhaps you are right.

    Just to clarify, a few points: we actually live with his family (mother and grandmother) for the last 4 years.
    None of my family live in the country, i moved abroad for study and moved in with him straight after. I haven’t visited my family in awhile due to financial or his family has important things happening at that time.

    And no, we never actually go on vacation alone.
    His mother is the one who planned the vacations, family gatherings. She would only give a week – 2 weeks notice (not enough for me to apply for my visa) and apologize that it’s not enough time to bring me.

    He is not financially great, and I paid for the both of us (since he doesn’t receive allowance from his mother anymore).
    I asked him if it’s possible for him to stand up for me (ask his mother to plan earlier, etc). But he is always too scared of his mother.

    Thank you for your advice.
    You are right, i am not good enough for him and the marriage shouldn’t take place.

    In the first 2 years, I don’t mind being left behind because i believe it’s the circumstances. I am born into a passport that doesn’t allows me to enter a lot of countries.
    But after 3-4 years i felt like his mother doing it on purpose. Like i said i am probably oversensitive.

    Thank you anyway for your advice.”

    Reply Link
    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy April 2, 2019, 5:58 am

      You’re putting words in my mouth: I never said that you weren’t good enough for your boyfriend! I said, and I believe, that you are not ready for marriage. And neither is he. If anything, he’s less ready for marriage than your are (can’t stand up to his mother, financially unstable), but you both sound like you need to do a lot of growing up and find some independence before you even consider tying the knot with someone.

      Reply Link
    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom April 2, 2019, 4:25 pm

      You should be incredibly wary about marrying someone who isn’t financially great and who needs you or their mother to pay their way. I think postponing the wedding at this time is your best bet. You don’t have to totally call it off but tell him you need him to be financially able to support himself to the point he can pay his own way on trips.

      If the two of you are living with his mother I am assuming that the two of you can’t support yourselves. If the two of you are dependent on her she will always dominate your marriage. Her opinion will matter and override your opinion because she has the money. That is a terrible position to be in and you are already experiencing the consequences because she doesn’t choose to make plans in advance so that you can go. What else might she decide to do? Don’t get married until the two of you can be independent. If you think he probably won’t become independent then consider breaking up. Do you need him in order to stay where you are? Will you have to leave the country if you don’t marry him?

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      dinoceros April 7, 2019, 10:28 am

      “Thank you for your advice.
      You are right, i am not good enough for him and the marriage shouldn’t take place.”

      So, you’re doing that thing where people purposely take comments out of context/misinterpret them to make themselves sound attacked so they can …I don’t know … get sympathy or fish for compliments or get the opposite advice of something. It’s manipulative, and TBH, it supports the read that everyone has on your behavior.

      Reply Link
    • avatar

      misspiggy April 8, 2019, 4:55 am

      It sounds like the mother is deliberately doing this to get some family time without you. Which she would be perfectly entitled to do, if she were upfront about it.

      It just underlined what Wendy and Skyblossom are saying: this is not a good situation all round, and you should be working on getting more independent – with or without your boyfriend.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    Loo April 2, 2019, 10:37 am

    LW1 reminds me of a similar situation I was in about 4 years ago. I had started dating someone, and we were exclusive at this point. It was maybe 3 or 4ish months in that he was traveling to the Cayman Islands for a friend’s wedding with a “platonic friend” that had all been booked before he met me. He explained that he would’ve preferred to take me as his date if everything hadn’t already been paid for, and of course not wanting to be rude and uninvite his friend. I didn’t really mind him going with someone else given the circumstances, but I told him that if he has sex with his friend that it would really hurt me. I made a point of saying that to him just so he couldn’t feign ignorance if he came back after the wedding all remorseful. Spoiler: he did sleep with her on that trip. I’m glad he was at least honest with me about it when he returned, and that was the end of me dating him. So in summary, don’t fret about not being your boyfriend’s date, but if they are sharing a hotel room that would be a deal breaker for me.

    Reply Link
    • avatar

      Vathena April 2, 2019, 11:00 am

      Well, they are already roommates. They live together. If they were going to have sex, they could do it every night and every morning without too much trouble. They could get separate hotel rooms and just…go to one room together. Separate hotel rooms would not make a single difference here. She either trusts him, or doesn’t. As Skyblossom said above, this is a really simple conversation to have, and the fact that she feels like she can’t have it is a problem.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    istrice01 April 6, 2019, 6:17 am

    In regards to the first (boyfriend taking roommate to brother’s wedding), such lousy advice from Wendy. People have different perceptions about relationships. The boyfriend might have known about the woman because of her interactions with the family, but not been introduced to her her become acquainted with her until two years ago. Tickets such as these are often pricey and must be purchased months in advance. Did the boyfriend even know the LW when he bought the tickets, much less dating her? Who bought these tickets? These plans were made months in advance and it would be in poor taste to just drop the roommate. Also, whirlwind romances do happen, but for most people 6 months isn’t very long. Maybe he doesn’t want to take her as a date because he doesn’t feel ready to introduce her to his family yet? Anyway, that’s all I have to say.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    ron April 7, 2019, 9:48 am

    That’s the key issue, isn’t it? If bf is taking his roommate as his date, then that is very wrong and your are appropriately regarding it as cheating. If however, she is just going to the wedding with him as a platonic, family friend, plus one then it doesn’t seem to be something that you should worry about. I doubt you see her as more than a platonic plus one, or you would already have made a huge stink about him keeping her as a roommate. If she’s safe as a roomie, as she apparently is, then she’s safe as a plus one. This makes your issue what? I think that you view going to this wedding as a validation of your relationship, or his family’s acceptance of you, which you haven’t received to your satisfaction by other means. You should address the real relationship issues. Attending a wedding or not attending isn’t a metric for the health of your relationship.

    Reply Link
  • avatar

    Sarah April 10, 2019, 8:07 pm

    LW2 – I don’t entirely disagree with Wendy’s response, but… I kinda do disagree. Yes, it’s fine for one person to go on a family trip without their spouse, especially if there are logistical issues involved like needing visas, so LW2 your idea that your to-be-husband shouldn’t ever travel without you is a bit ridiculous. But it also sounds like this is a repeated problem and that he’s always siding with his family over you, which I think is definitely a problem worth complaining about. If his family is always planning last minute international trips, demanding he attend, and neither him or his family care that you can’t come as well, then that’s a problem that he needs to start siding with you over. He needs to stand up and say that for future trips, you need X time’s notice so that you can obtain the required visas and be able to travel as well (and sure, maybe there’s some exceptions in there, but… who plans that many last minute international trips anyway?!)

    Reply Link

Leave a Comment