The first mortgage payment and utilities aren’t actually due for another month, but the tenants just paid rent to him on the 1st. We were thinking, “Sweet! Extra money!” I figured I’d be paying my portion of the expenses when he pays his, which is once the utilities and mortgage are actually due on the 1st of the next month, but he wants me to pay my portion now. This makes me feel like I’m a tenant (or roommate) and not his girlfriend. I’m happy to pay my portion once they’re due, but in this case I’m paying a whole extra chunk that really isn’t going towards a payment of any sort.
I can’t help but feel hurt that my boyfriend would want to take an extra payment from me when he knows how helpful it would be for me to use it towards my credit card payment/debt. I feel like I can’t complain because my expenses are quite low ($400/month) due to most of the mortgage being paid by the renters. For what it’s worth we’re splitting our portion 50/50. Do I have a reason to be bothered or should I just let it go and make the extra payment to him? Somehow I can’t imagine collecting extra money from him when it isn’t necessary, but maybe there’s another viewpoint I’m missing. — More Than a Tenant
You didn’t talk about this before you moved in? You just assumed you’d get a month free housing? And you thought you’d use that month of free housing to pay off a little of your debt, but you didn’t discuss that with your boyfriend? What else did you not discuss with him before moving in together? Maybe what expenses your boyfriend has that your $400 rent money for the month of April would go toward? You say that your unexpected April rent (which didn’t have to be unexpected if you’d discussed beforehand when your first rent check was due!) “isn’t really going towards a payment of any sort,” but how do you know that for sure? Did you ask your boyfriend? That’s probably a good place to start. You could say:
“Hey, it caught me by surprise that you wanted rent from me for April since I know your first mortgage payment isn’t due until May 1 and I assumed that that’s when I would start paying you rent as well. Obviously we should have communicated about this before we moved in together, but I was wondering if there are payments I’m not aware of that you need the money for. I was appreciating the idea of having a month to catch up on some outstanding debt, which would benefit us both since we’re living together now and merging our financial lives a little more.”
It may be that your boyfriend had the same idea you did — he might want to pay off some outstanding debt, too, and was counting on April rent from you to do just that. Or… he may see your rent payment as a chance to make a little money off you, which, I agree, is kind of gross. You may, understandably, look at his expecting rent from you when “no payment is due” as treating you like a tenant or roommate rather than a girlfriend. But if charging you rent vs. allowing you to put money toward your debt is how you define the difference, what does it say about your perception of him/his role that you’d prefer putting money he was counting on to potentially put toward his debt toward your debt instead (IF that’s what he was planning… and you don’t know, because you didn’t discuss beforehand, apparently)?
At any rate, you two need to sit down and talk about your financial goals, both as individuals and as a couple, and about how you can help each other reach those goals. These are topics that should have been addressed in detail before your boyfriend bought a home and invited you to move in and help pay his mortgage, but since that didn’t happen, you need to do it now, immediately, before misunderstanding and resentment grows between you.
Years went by and he continued to be miserable. She gave his children a hard time when they visited him, and his parents were unhappy with her as well. So he went out and had a short-lived affair with another woman. Two years later he confessed feelings for me, and I also had feelings for him, too, but I didn’t like the fact that he was married. He separated and we began to date. He said I am the best thing that has ever happened to him. His kids, parents, and friends love our relationship; we are amazing together.
Although he’s with me, I feel he still cares for her. He pays all her bills and gets nervous when she hears my voice because it upset her. It’s been two years and he still helps with her bills, including medical insurance, and he has left her the home and two properties that he manages for her (they have no children together, fyi). He says something inside of him tells him it’s the right thing to do. He tells me every morning how much he loves me and thatm if he wanted her, he would have returned by now. Sometimes I feel like I may be overreacting. I’m feeling depressed and can’t sleep. But lately I’m beginning not to care anymore. I’ve had this feeling before, and soon after I move on. But with him I have held on. He treats me like a queen and loves my family and I love his. But why can’t he let her go??? Please advise? — Can’t Sleep
You mention that he separated from his wife and you began to date, but you don’t say anything about his divorcing her. Are they still married? If so, that begs even more questions, not the least of which is: why haven’t they divorced yet? If they ARE divorced, what kind of settlement was made? Maybe your boyfriend is legally bound to support his ex-wife for a certain duration of time. It’s not unusual for one partner to continue financially supporting an ex-spouse for the first few years following a divorce. I assume you’re familiar with alimony, right? Paying some bills and health insurance for some time and giving up a home in a divorce is pretty common and could be the “something inside his head” that’s telling him it’s the “right thing to do.”
If, however, your boyfriend is divorced and they have a clean break and he doesn’t legally owe her anything but is paying her bills for some other reason, then, yes, that reason is probably in direct conflict with the stability of your relationship. Whether he feels guilty for cheating on her and dumping her for another woman, or he still has feelings for her, or he is holding on to a little nugget of hope or possibility that they’ll eventually get back together, none of that bodes well for you and your place in his heart and life. But without more details, it’s hard to advise you beyond telling you to talk to him and continue pressing him for what that “something inside of him” actually is that’s telling him that supporting his (ex? estranged?)-wife is the “right thing to do.”
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].