New Here? Welcome! Dear Wendy is a relationship advice blog. You can read about me here, peruse the archives here and read popular posts here. You can also follow along on Facebook and Instagram. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected] (be sure to read these guidelines first). Thanks for visiting!
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. Things for the most part are pretty good except for one thing: He gets disgusted with me when I eat. At first I thought, “Oh, hell no are you going to comment on what I’m eating!” The first time this happened was only a few months into the relationship, and we got into a huge fight. Well, after this, we had the same fight over and over. So, I’d just wait for him to go to bed; I’m a late-night snacker anyway — always have been. But after I started doing this, he would do an inventory of the cupboards and the trash, looking for any evidence of things I had eaten the night before. Now after all day at work you’d think he’d forget, but, no: I’d walk through the door and he would start in, commenting on everything I ate and saying things like, “I see you got into the Cheeze-Its last night” or “How was that ice cream?” I can never have dessert when we go out or at a party as he gets seriously mad if I eat a piece of cake and shakes his head with disgust — in front of people. (For what it’s worth, I’m a self-admitted yo-yo dieter. On my 5′ frame a ten-pound weight gain can seem pretty significant, but I’m currently about 135 lbs.).
I think this is a disorder — anorexia by proxy — or maybe just asshole syndrome, but it’s a huge problem for me and, even though he knows how it makes me feel, he will not stop this behavior and I don’t know what else I can say to make him stop. Any advice aside from dumping his sorry ass? — Late Night Snacker
Nope. I think dumping his sorry ass is the best advice I could give. That and “enjoy your ice cream!” Oh, and also, I recently rediscovered this delicious snack from my college years, which was especially tasty late at night (and maybe after a few too many Zimas), fyi.
I am 30 and my boyfriend is 55. We began having an affair during his marriage. At first it was nothing serious, but then he separated from his wife and it became more serious. We then had a long-distance relationship, which had its ups and downs. We have been in the same place now for ten months and it’s been ok. The problem is that I know he has said horrible things about me to his grown-up kids in the past, and, even though we kinda sorted it out, I’m afraid it will happen again. I try to trust him but it’s hard – I know his sons don’t like me and try to talk him out of things – and I know that he doesn’t stick up for me. He says it’s because he doesn’t want any hassle in life. He also doesn’t post anything about us on Facebook, so I feel like I am still a secret because we don’t live in our home country and I don’t think he really wants people to know we are together or to tell his sons that he loves me. — No Longer The Other Woman
You “kinda sorted out” that your boyfriend has been saying horrible things about you to his sons? Is that like how you kinda sorted out how your boyfriend was married when you met? And now he’s not? Guess that part worked out for you, but you know what? You were the other woman. Your boyfriend left his wife for you. You don’t get to waltz into his life and have everything be peachy keen. You don’t get to have his sons’ acceptance of you just because you want it. You are partly responsible for breaking up their parents’ marriage. I doubt they need to hear their father say horrible things about you for you to not be their favorite person. You don’t trust your boyfriend because he’s not a trustworthy man (oh, and also, because he says horrible things about you!). You know what he’s capable of and you know that at any minute — possibly even now — he could be cheating on YOU. That’s what you signed up for when you decided to pursue a married man. Have fun with that. Or, you know, MOA, and find someone who is both physically and emotionally available next time.