Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Boyfriend is Joining the Military And I Won’t See Him For Six Years”

My boyfriend, “Ted,” is joining the military this year. He told me in June, and we have spent the months since learning about the military and training him for it and talking about what our relationship is going to have to go through. He wants to join an elite group at some point, and he recently reiterated the fact that I will not see him very much at all for six years.

My problem is that he keeps telling me I don’t have to do this with him, I can leave and that’s ok. He even said he’s fine if we “ride this out till I deploy and then break up.” I keep telling him I’m here for it, I’m not going anywhere. His answer is that I’m not taking it seriously enough, not really realizing how hard it will be. But I do realize it; I’m just not going to sit here and cry about it until he leaves for basic. He’s a logical, realistic person, and I feel like this is partially his way of coping himself and also his way of making sure I’m not going to just leave as soon as it gets a little hard. He loves me, and I know he wants me to have the best life I can, even if it were without him. But I do want to go through this, I can do this. I just don’t know how to get that through to him.

I know, too, that he’s unsure because I haven’t really decided on a career since graduating college, and I am unsure of what to do with my life, but I honestly believe I can do both. I can find myself and grow while being there with him.

For some background: We met online back in 2016, and I moved to be with him in 2017, so long-distance isn’t new to us, which is why this doesn’t scare me as much. I handled it then and I can handle it now.

I guess I’m asking you how I can show him better that I can handle this, and also why does he keep saying I don’t have to do this with him? It makes me feel like he doesn’t love me….but I know he does.

I’m very confused right now, and any advice would be wonderful. — Ready to Wait

Wow, so after dating long-distance, you actually picked up and moved to be with him and then, without even discussing it with you, he told you he was joining the military and planned/hoped to join some sort of elite group eventually that would mean you’d hardly see each other for six years? And you are convinced he loves you and wants a life with you? Really?! Because this isn’t how someone who is committed to creating a life with someone behaves. At the VERY least, he would have had numerous conversations with you about this plan of his – how it would affect him, you, your life together, your plans for the future. And, yet, he did none of that. He just went ahead and made the plans, then told you about them, and then started working on convincing you how hard it would be on you and how ok it would be if you break up when it’s time for him to leave.

He is really trying hard to send some messages to you. You need to listen.

The fact that you don’t seem to have a life outside of him – that you don’t have a career, that you don’t know what to do with your life, that you need to “find yourself,” also speaks volumes. It’s like you’ve put all your eggs in this basket — your relationship with him — and you’ve neglected other aspects of your identity. So… of COURSE you are willing to put your life — yourself — on hold for six years waiting for him because you have nothing else going on, it sounds like.

This isn’t healthy. This isn’t what Ted wants for you, and, consequently, it’s not what he wants for himself. He doesn’t want a woman whose identity is so wrapped up in him and his dreams and his plans. I think he probably wants you to have a life outside of him… and you should want that, too, especially since it doesn’t sound like the life you share with him is truly a shared life to begin with. You are hardly integrated in it if he’s making all these plans that so greatly impact you without even discussing them with you first.

Don’t waste your youth on this relationship that doesn’t even include you. Take this opportunity to break up amicably and find yourself, without the pressure of being someone’s rock. Be your own rock. Figure out who you are and what you want while he does the same, and maybe, if you’re meant to be together, your paths will bring you back to each other. And maybe they won’t. But I can promise that a path you follow to your own dreams and goals will be so much more satisfying and fulfilling than following the path to someone else’s dreams, especially when you are being told in more ways than one that you aren’t really welcome to accompany him on that path.

In other words: I think it’s probably time to MOA.

I am going to be 35 this year, my fiancé will be 32 later in the year, and I am ready to have baby #4. He would rather wait until our youngest child is in school, which would be in 2022. I will be 38 by then, and since I already had two daughters before we met, I would like to get over the child-bearing sooner rather than later and enjoy all my kids equally. At first, he said he doesn’t want another one now because we live in a small home, and then it was because our youngest is two and she’s a handful (but what toddler isn’t a terrorizer at some point?), and then it was because he wants to save for our wedding and to own his tuxedo.

While I am planning to return to work part-time, do more community hobbies with our three girls at night, or do online college, he is not really looking further into the future for us all to be happy and at peace, I feel. When we first got together, he wanted a lot of children and we thought we’d build a family business together. But all of that has changed in the five years we’ve been together. Help us! — Ready for #4

 
You are NOT in a good position to continue adding to your family. You aren’t on the same page in terms of shared goals and ambitions, you apparently don’t have enough money for a wedding, you live in a small home — what on earth makes you think a fourth child is a good idea?! It’s really not. As in the first letter above, your guy is trying to give you some messages and you are ignoring him. He doesn’t want what you want. He probably feels utterly overwhelmed being the sole breadwinner for a family of five as it is — a family that lives in a small home and can’t afford a wedding — and parenting three children who are all under the age of, what, four?!

When you have three small children like you do and you are gunning so hard for a fourth baby before you have a financial plan in place for supporting all these kids, and before you and your partner have agreed on general life goals together — it’s usually because there’s a huge gaping hole in your life that you’re trying desperately to fill. Your first, second, and third babies aren’t filling that hole and neither will a fourth. Babies aren’t bandaids. Work with what you have already. Figure out what the fuck is going on with your relationship and your financial plans.

Also, when you’re supporting three small children and a stay-at-home partner, you don’t need to own a tuxedo. The only thing your fiancé is trying to buy is time because he is not ready to legally tie himself to you and this life you’ve begun together. He sure as shit isn’t ready to tie himself to one more mouth to feed. Please, please, listen to what he’s trying to tell you. He does NOT want more children. What he probably wants is a closer partnership – to feel more connected to you and on the same page in regards to future goals and plans. These are far more important steps to take in a relationship than adding to your brood.

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

61 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Kate January 29, 2019, 10:18 am

    LW1, he’s trying to break up with you, or more accurately, have you break up with him. He’s not even entertaining the possibility that you two could get engaged, then married, and you could move with him. He’s trying to tell you it’s over.

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    • avatar

      Northern Star January 29, 2019, 10:37 am

      Yes, he is. Part of me wonders if he is actually joining the military at all…

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      • GertietheDino

        GertietheDino January 29, 2019, 12:05 pm

        Friends reference: He’s moving to Yemen!

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    • avatar

      JD January 29, 2019, 12:06 pm

      15 Yemen Rd, Yemen

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  • avatar

    Northern Star January 29, 2019, 10:36 am

    LW 2, you are an entitled fool. You don’t work, and you expect your fiance (NOT husband) to sign up to support you PLUS four kids? In a house that’s too small for you as it is? If I were him, I’d stop having sex with you, since you’ve got “accidental” birth control “failure” written all over you. Stop having children. Get a damn job.

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    • avatar

      Kristina January 29, 2019, 11:08 am

      I do not feel entitled and as for a job I have definitely been looking but my fiancee and his mother do not want me working until we move. Plus he only supports us really by paying rent. Other than that I buy or get clothing from friends, coupon and feed the entire house. And our children are 9 almost 7 and 2. I was on birth control he had me stop taking them and use other methods…I am more the planner and doer. This year was the last he could claim my older two on taxes so that is hitting him pretty hard to. I have plans for taxes and it is not getting household things.

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      • avatar

        JD January 29, 2019, 11:42 am

        Why the hell would his mother chose if you work. Get a grip, a job, therapy and hopefully child support as I assume your first two kids aren’t his.

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      • avatar

        JD January 29, 2019, 11:43 am

        And why is HE deciding your BC. Either you are just dumb as bricks or he is a controlling psycho.

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      • avatar

        ele4phant January 29, 2019, 12:57 pm

        You’re more the planner and the doer? Of what? You’re not in charge of finances, family planning, making decisions about anything really.

        And he told you to change birth control and that’s how you got accidentally pregnant with baby number three? Or he made you change after baby 3 to prevent baby number 4? And you felt about this change…how?

        And your quasi mother in law gets a vote on whether you work or not? How does that work?

        I’m very confused by your life, but it doesn’t sound good. You need to start asserting some independence (financial and otherwise), and the last thing you need to do is have another kid.

        If you aren’t on an effective birth control right now, get on one. Who cares what he thinks.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark January 29, 2019, 8:30 pm

        NEWSFLASH: he asked her to go OFF the pill as he doesn’t trust her to take it. Smart man. 10 to 1 , he is insisting on condoms… Again, smart man. Very.

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      • avatar

        Ele4phant January 29, 2019, 8:54 pm

        No…if you read her update they are using vaginal film (which is like, not the best), not condoms.

        And she’s already gotten pregnant several times, she’s miscarried or had an abortion, so clearly he’s not that concerned about her getting pregnant again.

        So, it’s definitely not him not trusting her to take birth control because she’s baby crazy – it’s about him being inconvenienced.

        I mean I’m 100% on the do not have another baby train, but you misread this guy’s motivations and concerns.

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      • avatar

        Ele4phant January 29, 2019, 9:06 pm

        Also if it were that important she not get pregnant again (and not that he doesn’t like the feel of condoms or sticky spermicide), he could always take matters into his own hands and do something to his own body to ensure that, ya know what I mean.

        I feel like way too many guys want their cake and eat it too – they don’t want kids but also don’t want to take on any personal bodily hardships. God forbid you take your fertility into your own hands, and wear a condom so sex feels a little less awesome or you go ahead and get yourself permanently snipped.

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      • avatar

        Sarah January 30, 2019, 6:39 am

        “Other than that I buy or get clothing from friends, coupon and feed the entire house.”

        But all of that still requires money. Do you have savings? Coupons usually lower the amount of money but they don’t usually equate to free stuff. And it almost seems that you’re minimizing what he pays– what about utilities, car, healthcare, etc.?

        Your MIL’s opinion isn’t important. You married her son, not her.

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  • avatar

    JD January 29, 2019, 10:37 am

    LW1: Besides him telling you pretty clearly that he isn’t interested in continuing the relationship, you just THINK you can do it. You really can’t. I don’t mean that in a mean way but 6 years is a LONG time and you are so young. You will completely change as a person in that time, as will he. Sure, you could both change in ways that work but he doesn’t want it to work. You don’t get to convince someone to be with you when they say they don’t want to.

    LW2: No, no more kids. No marriage. He is also being clear. He changed his mind once he saw the reality. If you can’t afford to have more children you do not do so!

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  • avatar

    Kristina January 29, 2019, 11:12 am

    Really I feel like he wants to leave the relationship leave the engagement but does not know how with us having a child together because he doesnt want to fail like his dad. We have been engaged for 4yrs now havr had the money for a wedding but he refused. I would really like to stop being dragged around and him come honestly truthful with me. But thats hard because he works graveyard and we rarely see each other.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy January 29, 2019, 11:39 am

      And you think a fourth baby is a good idea why?

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    • avatar

      JD January 29, 2019, 11:42 am

      He isn’t really dragging you around, he is being pretty damn clear. Sure he SHOULD just end it but he isn’t exactly hiding his feelings from you either.

      Also, with Wendy, how can any of this seem like a good idea to bring a child into. As someone who waited until I was financially stable to have 1 child at all I take a lot of personal offense to your self absorbed attitude regarding having children.

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    • avatar

      Buttery January 29, 2019, 12:01 pm

      Wow – I hate to see people being so harsh with you! But I agree you do have the wrong idea here . Are you thinking a baby will make him stick with you? I love babies but we all know it really UPS the household stress level in the beginning, especially if you have other little ones at home.
      Anyway, don’t do it – you’re not married and your family cannot afford it. Try to figure out how to start making some money for you and your family as soon as possible. It just sounds like you need to refocus a bit and also take control. How can you say he and his mom prefer you not to work? You are a grown woman, you really have to take control of your life and you’ll feel much better when you do.

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    • avatar

      Northern Star January 29, 2019, 12:01 pm

      Why in the HELL would you want to bring a fourth innocent child into this mess? God.

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    • avatar

      anonymousse January 29, 2019, 12:04 pm

      Then why on earth would you bring another kid into this? Children are not anchors. They are life vests for a failing relationship.

      Get a job.

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    • avatar

      Ele4phant January 29, 2019, 12:14 pm

      So you want the fourth baby tie him down, is that what this is? If the third baby didn’t do it, a fourth baby isn’t either.

      And then you likely be a single mother with four young kids soon.

      Don’t get pregnant.

      I don’t know if you can work it out with him, if he’ll be willing, but I hope you guys try for the sake of the kids.

      But regardless you should start preparing to be more independent – get a job, grow a backbone with your MIL.

      You might be self supporting three kids soon, you need to be prepared.

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  • avatar

    brise January 29, 2019, 11:47 am

    LW1: Kiss him good-bye NOW. Don’t date him till he deploys. This is a recipe for disaster, for letting you with a broken heart. Just take the hint and say today: OK, let’s part our ways. He wants it. He wants to be free. He wants to invest in his career and not have you as a burden (sorry) to carry everywhere (I mean: entertain a long distance relationship).
    And why on earth would you jeopardise your youth, your career, your love life, for some guy who says he wants to split and make his own choices as far away as he can without you? You are a masochist or what? Focus on yourself. This is not the only man on the planet. You will meet other men, who will want to build their life with you.
    It seems you want to win some prize as the longest love sufferer in the world. Jesus!
    LW2: I complain your “fiance”. What are you trying to escape? Focus on the children you have.

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  • avatar

    Ele4phant January 29, 2019, 12:04 pm

    LW1 – he’s trying to get you to end the relationship. Why he’s too much of a weanie to do it himself, IDK, but he’s clearly trying to get you to pull the trigger.

    I mean, I guess he’ll take the sex until he deploys, but there’s nothing confusing going on at all.

    There’s no future here.

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    • avatar

      anonymousse January 29, 2019, 12:17 pm

      Excellent use of weenie.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse January 29, 2019, 12:11 pm

    LW1:
    He is sending you a message. He wants to break up, but he’s too much of a NiceGuy^TM to do it himself. When you join the army, you aren’t gone for six years without any leave. When you are on active duty, you are entitled to thirty days a year.

    “HOW LONG WILL I SERVE?

    Active duty service terms typically last two to six years, but your service length may vary depending on your unit’s mission. Soldiers are eligible for a two-week rest and relaxation leave after six months of deployment.”

    That’s from goarmy.com and my personal experience with a father was in the military, and a boyfriend ages ago.

    He’s telling you a tale because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings.

    You need to start making your own life. It’s not healthy to be so dependent upon one person for everything. It’s going to be hard but you need to build a life for yourself. Get out of there, regroup, get to school or a job, or both. Make friends, find hobbies and things that genuinely make you happy. Yourself, not a boy.

    Good luck.

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    • avatar

      Kate January 29, 2019, 12:21 pm

      To this point, my HS boyfriend joined the military when I was 19, and went to basic training halfway across the country. I flew to his graduation from basic. He then went to tech school. At some point he came home on leave and bought me a ring. He found out where he was being stationed (Italy). He moved to Italy. I visited him there. He came home on leave and we got married. I moved to Italy with him. We got an apartment. After 3 years there, he got stationed in Virginia. We moved there together. After 4 years his term was up and we moved home to Boston. Idk what kind of situation would ever involve 6 years without seeing each other but I’ve never heard of it.

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      • avatar

        Kate January 29, 2019, 12:53 pm

        And during this time, we had plenty of visits with friends and family. People visited us abroad, and we came home for visits. He had leave to do that.

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      • avatar

        anonymousse January 29, 2019, 1:15 pm

        My step dad served in the gulf war and then in Kuwait and Afghanistan after 9/11.

        He still had leave. And he wasn’t ever deployed for six years at a time.

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      • avatar

        Ange January 29, 2019, 6:39 pm

        That having to be married to live together and off barracks rule is so silly. All you get then is a bunch of kids who have no business being married getting married so they can continue their HS true luuuuurve. In Aus they actually don’t want you living in base and only give you 12 months to do so unless there are special circumstances, then you’re off on your own. You can live with partners no problem, you just list them as defacto.

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    • avatar

      ele4phant January 29, 2019, 1:18 pm

      Yeah, my little brother was active military (he was in the infantry in the army), and I saw him at least once a year the whole time he was in. He got R&R regularly, and he’d make this long looping tours where he’d hit up all his friends and family.

      Also – while he did deploy, that was only for a year, otherwise he was stationed in Colorado, where multiple family members were able to visit him.

      It sounds like your dude is gunning for special forces or something? Assuming he gets there, he may be deployed more often but for not as long, so even more frequent periods of him potentially being stateside.

      He lived in the barracks because he was single, but if you got married, soldiers could live with their spouses, either on-base or off.

      My cousin is also a chaplain in the army. A major part of her work is giving premarital counselling to enlistees and their fiancees. She says SO MANY young people who have no business getting married are doing so because it means they can live off-base. Some of these kids are in genuine love (albeit perhaps naive puppy love that won’t last) with their partners, some are legitimately like “meh” on their partners but they don’t want to live in the barracks anymore.

      Point is LW1 – if your boyfriend wanted to make this work, he would/could do it.

      It might mean long periods of separation, and you hauling your ass to and from where he’s stationed (but you both know you’re already willing to do that), but if he wanted to stay with you he would.

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      • avatar

        JD January 29, 2019, 1:44 pm

        Agree. My husband was in the Air Force for 22 years and managed to get married, get left (she left him when he was deployed because it WAS too hard especially for how young they were), meet someone else, get married, have a kid….. He was deployed A LOT for long periods of time, very far away, and he made it work, because he wanted to. Your bf just isn’t interested in doing that. And that is fine. I wouldn’t really recommend it. Talk to any spouse of a deployed person and they will tell you it is not just kind of difficult, it is INSANELY difficult. Not only are you worried about them just being gone but often in very dangerous situations. I couldn’t have been with my husband during that time. I met him 24 hours after he retired, go figure.
        You also are subject to where they are stationed if you “live” with them. You also have no right as far as living with them on base if you aren’t married and they only give you a portion of what it costs to live off base while on base housing has no fee. You have to leave your job or leave them each time they are stationed somewhere else, often to a shit location (I am in one now, trust me on that one) with minimal jobs off base. The list goes on.

        Also, while I don’t buy the 6 year thing he clearly is looking at some special career which means he likely will be in for much longer.
        He wants to focus on his new career, which is a mature and smart decision. You need to just respect that this is what he wants, and though you can’t see it now, is what the best decision is.

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  • avatar

    Sapphire January 29, 2019, 12:42 pm

    Do anybody else feel stressed out when reading the second one? How is having another baby a good idea when you can’t financially support your own family? Also why does his mom decided whether or not she can have a job?

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    • avatar

      Kate January 29, 2019, 12:52 pm

      And why did her fiancé decide about her birth control?

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      • avatar

        JD January 29, 2019, 12:58 pm

        That’s what I asked above too! That’s really not something a man in general decides at all. Frankly I decided for us that between having kids we will use condoms since I won’t go back on and husband said okie dokie.

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      • avatar

        Fyodor January 29, 2019, 4:13 pm

        I wonder if this was as part of their previous plan to have children soon, which she feels he is backing out of. Like he asked her to go off of hormonal birth control so there would be no delay waiting for her cycle to readjust and now she’s peeved that he won’t conceive more children.

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  • avatar

    Essie January 29, 2019, 2:02 pm

    I think the boyfriend of LW1 did end it, and she’s just not hearing him. He may not have come out and said “I don’t want to be your boyfriend anymore, I am breaking up with you,” but he sure got the intent across. “I’m going away for 6 years and I’m fine with breaking up when I deploy.”

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  • avatar

    Fyodor January 29, 2019, 4:07 pm

    Lw1’s boyfriend definitely wants out and is trying to let her down easy as presenting it as an inevitable consequence of his deployment.

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  • avatar

    Howdywiley January 29, 2019, 4:12 pm

    Is this elite team stationed in Yemen perhaps?

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  • avatar

    Fyodor January 29, 2019, 4:38 pm

    Someone should ask BGM to provide the right gentle and nuanced advice to LW2 to help guide her.

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    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark January 30, 2019, 1:50 am

      Tee hee hee.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros January 29, 2019, 6:42 pm

    LW1: He’s not expecting you to cry. He’s expecting you to understand the reality of the situation, because most people would not stick around. I know it seems romantic, but you’re essentially putting your life on hold for six years for someone you’re kind of not really in a relationship with.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros January 29, 2019, 6:48 pm

      LW2: 3 kids IS a lot, though. I get that people have ideas of how many kids they want, and that’s valid. But I also think that people who ruin their marriages over whether they have 3 or 4 kids or whatever are kind of silly. Will your life be THAT terrible if you only have 3 kids?

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  • avatar

    Kristina January 29, 2019, 7:25 pm

    I decided to go on bc after my third was born. But fiancee didn’t like mood changes requested I stay off of it. During that time I went through one abortion and two miscarriages. I then went back on the bc which made him take extra shifts at work. Now off birth control and only use a film he complains about that as well. I do get child support for my older two girls which mainly supports their recreation events, clothing and other wants. I am a SAHM because my fiancee requested I stay home and not work until further need and take care of house and children. I have seeked employment throughout the year I have been unemployed and he confides in his mother about these situations and comes back asking me to hold off working and putting our 2y.o in daycare. Last summer we agreed if I was to be off we should have another child. Then when slow season hit and money became tight the first of the year he stated he doesnt want to rent a tuxedo and wants to own his so no children any time soon.

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    • avatar

      JD January 29, 2019, 7:35 pm

      Do you not see how you let this man make every decision in your life even if it isn’t what you want or is in your, or your children’s best interest?? You need to get a job, save money and leave. And why does your birth control cause him to work more? That makes no sense. You need to see this awful relationship for what it is and pull your head out of the sand. Having another kid should be your dead last concern right now. Get back on the pill so you don’t get pregnant again, get a job, save money so you can leave. Then hire an attorney to get child support from him as well.

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    • avatar

      JD January 29, 2019, 7:36 pm

      I really don’t mean to be rude but I am not sure I’ve ever heard someone in such freaking denial.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy January 29, 2019, 7:45 pm

      “No children any time soon” really, really needs to be “No more children EVER.” I hope you can see how your situation is incredibly dysfunctional, and not appropriate for additional children, for so many, many reasons.

      You need to take some responsibility of your life and quit giving your boyfriend total control of everything. Why does what he say goes, no matter what? This is your life – these are your children. You getting a job and making your own money would be the best for everything. If your boyfriend wants someone to “take care of house,” he can hire a maid. You need the money and, frankly, you need to get outside the house and interact with other people besides your boyfriend and his mother. He is keeping you at home so he can control you.

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    • avatar

      ele4phant January 29, 2019, 8:03 pm

      I mean this not in a judgmental way, but your life makes me sad.

      You have no control over anything in your life, not even your own body.

      Your boyfriend insists on taking away your independence from living the house, even if it puts you all in worse financial straights. You just accept this.

      He doesn’t seem to like any birth control options (and by the way there are many many options you could try in order to find something that is mutually agreeable, but at the end of the day it’s your body so he can have input but he doesn’t get to veto shit) because they inconvenience him, and yet he does not want more children. So the expectation is that you hopefully continue to miscarry, or if not you get another abortion?

      He doesn’t seem to want to be in a relationship, but he also doesn’t seem to want to end it. So you’re just going to take his shitty treatment of you?

      I feel sympathy that he seems like a controlling asshole concerned only about what he wants, but you have some agency here. So have some agency to say, no I’m getting a job. To say no, I’m going to be on a birth control that works for me. To say no, I’m going to leave you if you continue to treat me like this.

      Take control of your life.

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      • avatar

        Ele4phant January 29, 2019, 9:27 pm

        Seriously there are so many options available – there are different kinds of hormonal birth control that may impact you differently, iuds, old school diaphragms or cervical caps.

        He could even get a vasectomy.

        But it really shouldn’t be about catering to his comfort, you need to start establishing independence, financial, bodily, in all ways.

        And not get pregnant again.

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      anonymousse January 29, 2019, 9:22 pm

      Girl, get back on birth control. Try a different one or screw his opinion about your mood and get back on the one you were on. It is irresponsible to bring more children into this relationship.

      Is he a butler? Why would he need to BUY his tuxedo? I mean, it doesn’t sound like you guys are filling in dough right now and that’s just….nonsensical. You don’t need a lavish wedding to get married.

      If you hear one piece of advice in this…please get back on some form of birth control that is not film. That is not reliable. I don’t know how you can even emotionally handle the risk that you could become pregnant again after what you’ve been through.

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      • avatar

        anonymousse January 29, 2019, 9:23 pm

        Ugh, rolling in dough.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros January 30, 2019, 9:27 am

      There are many types of birth control. Different pills have different effects. There are IUDs and implants. Some IUDs aren’t even hormonal.

      Saying “this pill causes mood swings” and then not using it anymore is pretty irresponsible. There are literally dozens of types of BC out there.

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    • avatar

      snoopy January 30, 2019, 10:09 am

      First of all, I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through aboritions and miscarriages in <2 years. That must be so difficult. If anything, this should tell you that your current method of birth control is not working. Why does your partner not value your body and your mental health?

      And why on earth would you being on birth control make him pick up more shifts? Unless it's to cover the cost…in which case, you really can't afford to have more kids, because they are *waaaay* more expensive than birth control.

      Time to take control back of your life and your body. Another baby isn't going to fix anything. Time to get outside, to work, to protect your reproductive health.

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  • avatar

    CET January 30, 2019, 7:48 am

    LW1, if your fiance doesn’t want a 4th child well that is that…you can’t bring a child into this world who is unwanted. He probably didn’t fully understand how much work kids are till you moved in together and had the third baby. Now he knows he doesn’t want another. My advice is to stop focusing and dwelling on wanting 4 kids so badly and enjoy having 3 kids. Also, it really sounds like you guys are not in a financial position to have more kids anyway. It’s not responsible to keep having kids if money is tight. I think you should focus more on other things…get a degree if you can, come up with a plan for a career for yourself, start putting money into retirement, start saving for college for your kids, start saving so you can get a bigger place to live if needed. Your youngest is 2 (I think that’s what you said)…3 years till they are in Kindergarten. That gives you 3 years to come up with a career plan for yourself, get some kind of degree or certificate if needed, and then find a job where you can start contributing the family, health care, retirement, and savings. Start thinking more responsibly and rationally and less about you emotionally wanting things. Remember, it’s totally normal for women to have this huge desire for another baby when their child is about age 1 or 2…it’s a hormonal thing. Good luck.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark January 30, 2019, 10:40 am

    STOP. Having. Fucking. Kids. Already. NEWSFLASH: Nobody needs four kids. Nobody should have four fucking kids. The world is already VASTLY overpopulated with enough dimwits like you, LW2. Just quit with the babymaking already. Enough. Just enough.

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    • avatar

      JD January 30, 2019, 10:44 am

      Ah finally, was waiting for that. Keep the entertainment coming since I am locked inside today.

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    • avatar

      Kali January 30, 2019, 11:50 am

      THIS.

      I always feel like a judgmental ass saying it but there are too many people on our planet as it is. We don’t need any more.

      And seriously, let your fiancé get a vasectomy if he doesn’t like your bc and doesn’t want more kids. I hate guys who feel it somehow emasculates them to actually put some real skin in the birth control game.

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  • avatar

    Kristina January 30, 2019, 12:43 pm

    Cet yes that was already my plan of doing more events with my girls doing part time schooling and work. Once this is fulfilled in the next three years I will not want anymore children. Hence why I said I wanted to get the child bearing out the way now before I put that or have that currently in motion.
    And every one being so rude to calling me a dimwit and other rude names because I am just asking for advice obviously has some self bitterness.
    But I will keep pushing the vasectomy issue. Because I have did two different iuds and bled for a year, bc and now film. He knows about my mental health issues But seems to forget..But for now I am staying away and put our toddler to sleep in our bed. I questioned him about the tuxedo owning he said for sentimental value he’s only doing it once. And has also decided to chip in towards girls’ community Center events.

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    • avatar

      JD January 30, 2019, 12:45 pm

      I haven’t seen dimwit, more that your head is in the sand and you don’t see it. Your complete lack of awareness over what is in front of you is either because he is at this point mentally abusing you (my vote) or you just are dumb. Sorry but that is the reality. Sentimental value? Babe, he doesn’t want to marry you, please catch on. How sentimental is it to not be able to feed your children because your idiot boyfriend had to buy a tux? Please get some therapy so you can see what is going on right in front of your eyes.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark January 30, 2019, 1:26 pm

        I said dimwit. And I stand by that usage, too. 😉

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    • avatar

      Vathena January 30, 2019, 1:14 pm

      “wanted to get the child bearing out the way now…”

      I mean… you already have three children. You have three children, with two different men, and an unstable relationship with a controlling man who doesn’t want to truly commit to you. You can’t afford birth control, apparently, so how are you going to afford the medical costs associated with having another baby, not to mention diapers/wipes/formula etc.? And that’s if you have a healthy baby. What happens if your next baby has special needs? Downs? Spina bifida? A heart condition requiring multiple surgeries? You roll the dice with every kid.

      You already have three children. THREE. And you’ve endured the loss of several pregnancies. Perhaps the childbearing should now be considered gotten out of the way. You must know that it is the height of irresponsibility to bring another baby into an unstable home where resources are already stretched thin. (Plus, cmon. You also know the tux thing is a total bullshit excuse. If this man truly wanted to marry you, you could be all set with $45 and 30 minutes at the courthouse wearing khakis.)

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    • avatar

      Ele4phant January 30, 2019, 2:17 pm

      Kristina – I don’t even know what to tell you anymore. You’re going to hear what you want to hear.

      But please don’t bring anymore children into this life.

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