Recently, I was invited to his son’s wedding and rehearsal dinner in Wisconsin. I flew in Wednesday and they had a nice BBQ at the beach club with family and friends. The next day we went over to his ex-wife’s house (he’s been divorced for 10 years) to pick up some of the out-of-town guests and show them around the city. The entire day my boyfriend treated me differently — more like a friend; he didn’t want to hold my hand or even walk with me. At one point he was introducing everyone in the group to a cousin and he skipped me. I could tell he was uncomfortable being around me with his family and his family friends.
That night when we got home, he asked me what I though about the day and I told him he wasn’t very kind to me. He blew up and questioned whether I considered that he was under a lot of stress. I said, “Yes, that is why I hadn’t brought it up.” We then went to bed, he woke up and went downstairs, and he came back to bed a few hours later. At 4:30, he woke me up and said, “This is uncomfortable, so I am just going to say it: I don’t want to be uncomfortable at my son’s rehearsal dinner or wedding. I don’t want you to go to the rehearsal dinner and I don’t want you coming to the wedding.”
I was in shock and just stared at him. Finally, I said, “Can I wait until it gets light and figure something out?” He said, “There’s a 7:30 flight out of here.” I got up, changed my flight, and packed up my things. Then he dropped me off at the airport saying, “Sorry things didn’t work out.”
After the wedding, he apologized for bringing me into a stressful situation. He said we were moving too fast. He also stated he suffers from depression and anxiety. Then he wanted to hear what I had to say to him. I told him, “You woke me up at 4:30 a.m., kicked me out of your house, and put me on a 9 1/2-hour flight home without even an explanation?” I told him I had nothing left to say, and, if he wanted to call in a week, maybe I could talk then. Three days later he texts me and asks if he can call later. I told him I wasn’t ready to talk and that he hurt me badly. He said he respected my feelings and wanted to share his feelings with me but not via text.
My question to you is: should I listen to him, give him another chance? He broke my trust, respect, and loyalty. I don’t know I can ever get that back. I will never be able to trust him. — Kicked out at 4 AM
Oh, hell no. Your boyfriend crossed so many lines that I don’t see how he could ever find his way back. He missed so many opportunities to make you comfortable, to integrate you into his life, and to show you there was a place for you in it. And he blew it in spectacular fashion. He showed you his true character. And it’s bad.
Please don’t give this guy another chance. He woke you up at 4 in the morning and kicked you out of his house. It would be one thing if he simply failed to introduce you to everyone — which he did — because he was “nervous,” but this was an act of aggression. Blowing up at you when you said he hadn’t been kind to you was an act of aggression. Don’t give him another chance to show how he can aim his aggression at you again. Just don’t. Depression and anxiety are no excuse to treat someone the way he treated you. Not only is he a bully — and he’s a bully — but he’s manipulative, too. Don’t let him manipulate you.
This was a 4 1/2-month relationship that ran its course. You won’t be the first woman to end a relationship after seeing the true colors of a man she was beginning to know and love, and you won’t be the last. There’s no shame at all in moving on when you discover what you’re really dealing with. The mistake would be to stick around and invest more time in a man who has shown you he isn’t worth the price of another plane ticket to visit.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.