I let him know I was hurt that he thought so little of me to not communicate any of this when the plans were being made. He said he “knew it would cause a problem with me and didn’t feel like dealing with that,” so he didn’t tell me. I’m broken up about this inconsideration. Why hide this? We’re not kids. We’re both 50! Am I wrong in feeling unimportant to him because he would not include me in his holiday plans? — Hurt About Thanksgiving
You’re not wrong in feeling hurt, no. Your boyfriend should have discussed his plans with you, but now that you know he didn’t, you can use this as an opportunity to evaluate and hopefully strengthen your relationship. First of all, WHY do you think your boyfriend failed to discuss these plans with you? He says he “knew it would cause a problem” and “he didn’t want to deal with that.” Your first step is to find out what he thought the problem would be. That you weren’t welcome to join him in Portland? That you were welcome, but he simply didn’t want you to go (and if that’s the case, why?), or he didn’t think you’d want to go? Or was is that he couldn’t afford his own ticket — he says his sister bought his — let alone two tickets, and he didn’t want to ask his sister or you to buy yours (maybe he thought/knew you couldn’t afford one either and thought you’d have your feelings hurt that his sister only offered to buy his ticket)?
Once you have an understanding of what the problem is (or problems are), you need to find out what it was he “didn’t want to deal with.” Obviously, there is something about you or your relationship that he wanted to avoid. Was it an argument he wanted to avoid? Feeling guilty? Upsetting you? Your trying to talk him out of his plans? Your inviting yourself to tag along?
Finally, when you know what both the problem was and what your boyfriend “didn’t want to deal with,” you should have a clearer idea of where you stand with him. If this is simply a matter of your both working on communication, you can commit to doing that (and can even seek professional help if you need it); but if this is a symptom of the relationship having run its course, it’s good to learn that now and MOA rather than to keep treading a dead-end path.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].