I know Dan’s sister very well, as well as her daughter (Dan’s niece), who is getting married in August 2015. I got invited to the bridal shower . . . where my boyfriend’s daughters will be. His sister told Dan that she will seat us at different tables. She obviously thinks it will be awkward for me and them, having never met before and now we are to meet at a bridal shower (WITHOUT MY BOYFRIEND BEING PRESENT?).
Isn’t this odd? Please help. I started to tell Dan how awkward it will feel for me to be there without him and having never met his daughters. I told him I was thinking about declining the invite. I don’t wish to feel awkward or put his daughters in an awkward position.
What do you think? What would you do? What do I say to my boyfriend to discuss this topic and resolve it for myself and still honor my friendship with his sister? Yikes! Do I really need to go? — Meeting his Grown Daughters at a Shower
You say you “started” to tell Dan how awkward you would feel at his niece’s bridal shower where you would be meeting his daughters for the first time without him. Why just “started”? Why didn’t you continue the conversation? What stopped you? Did he have any response to you? Do you know what his thoughts and opinions are about your meeting his daughters at his niece’s bridal shower? It would seem that someone so intent on “not having problems” would have some vested interest in his girlfriend of a year, whom he’s gone out of his way to keep from meeting his daughters, actually finally meeting them.
So my first bit of advice is to finish the conversation you started. Tell him that you are in an awkward position — that you don’t want to decline an invitation that a good friend extended to you and that you think that, after a year, it’s time you met his grown daughters, but that also you want HIM to be the one to introduce you and you want it to happen before you see them at the shower. His wife died nine years ago. His daughters are not children. It’s ridiculous that he has excluded you from a large part of his life — holidays, milestone birthdays, etc. — because he is afraid of “problems” your mere presence will cause. What does that say about the value he places on you and your relationship? You deserve better. And I think this is an opportunity to demand better or move on.
If you don’t meet the daughters before the shower, you should still go, but don’t introduce yourself as their father’s girlfriend. Let the host introduce you — if you’re introduced at all — as her friend. If Dan is right that your being in his life will cause problems with his daughter, then a bridal shower is no place to invite those problems. So you will be their aunt’s friend and that’s it. If they have suspicions you are involved with their father, let their father be the one to address those questions. It’s not your job. But, again, if Dan, knowing how much you want to be be a part of his whole life, to know his daughters, and to be included in special events, STILL won’t introduce you to his grown daughters after a whole year of dating, that’s a huge red flag — one that you should not ignore anymore. He’s worried about potential problems between him and his daughters if they know about you, but it’s time for him to be worried about potential problems with YOU if he continues excluding you and hiding you in the alleyways of his life. And if he does that, it’s time for you to MOA. Because that is not the sign of a man who values you or your relationship.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at email@example.com.