I have dark brown hair and I keep feeling down about it. Was he lying when he said he was checking out the blonde woman because he’s interested in hair or was he lying when he said that comment was out of anger? It’s a month later now and when I bring it up, he says he regrets saying it and he definitely doesn’t like blond hair. But it’s come to the point now where if he puts a film on, I think he’s done it because there’s an attractive blonde woman in it. I never had this feeling before he made that comment about liking blond hair!
I feel there may be some truth in his comment that he likes blond hair. I’ve noticed his double glances at blonde women, after all. I have made him pay for saying what he did, making him write down the things he loves about me physically and then reading the list aloud to me. He is getting better at looking in the other direction when an attractive woman walks by (blond hair or not), so I am reassured. Or he will comment with something nice about me or what I’m wearing. But I just can’t get past his comment.
Thank you so much for your help! I really need it. — Not a Blonde
Your boyfriend wasn’t lying when he said he likes blond hair. Guess what? He also likes attractive women (blond hair or not). Most heterosexual men do. I don’t know how you expect a man to only be attracted to you and no one else – that’s insane. And while it would be disrespectful of a man to “check out” other women in the presence of the woman he’s in a relationship with, you can’t expect a man not to even notice other attractive women. Come on, now. You are being completely unrealistic and, frankly, incredibly insecure. I had to write you back and confirm your age because I couldn’t believe someone older than 14 would be jealous of actresses in a film her boyfriend chose to put on, worried that he was only selecting said films because the starlets have blond hair.
You have a confidence problem that isn’t your boyfriend’s fault, and if you keep pushing him in the absurd ways you already are — repeated questioning about a woman he glanced at a month ago, making him write what physical traits he likes about you, expecting him to look in the other direction when an attractive woman walks by — you are going to drive him away. NO man is going to want to put up with that shit. You’ve got to get it in check.
The person who needs to make a list of your positive traits isn’t your boyfriend – it’s you! You need to start focusing on your own value, and not just the physical stuff. Beauty fades. It’s also incredible subjective. What do you like about yourself on the inside? Are you kind? Do you care about others? Do you work hard? Are you loyal? Are you a good friend? Affirming your positive traits on a daily basis will go a long way to fostering the self-confidence you lack. (Here are some great tips I recommend). And if you’re feeling like you don’t present the best physical version of yourself, there are lots fo things you can do to improve that: exercising regularly, which will help you stay fit (and healthy! and it will release endorphins and manage stress and anxiety); updating your wardrobe with cute, trendy pieces; getting a haircut and going to a make-up counter and having a pro give you some make-up tips.
What’s most important to remember here is that the issue you’re fighting isn’t your boyfriend’s attraction to other women, but rather it’s your poor self-esteem and your projection of that onto your boyfriend. This problem will never go away — regardless of whether you stay with your boyfriend or move on to someone else — if you don’t take steps to foster some self-worth. For your own sake, take some responsibility and quit shifting the blame for your own insecurity. You also owe your boyfriend an apology for the lame way you’ve been treating him for the past month.
You have not been married for 21 years. You’re divorced. You’ve been divorced for two years! I’m not religious, but I don’t think God would want you to continue lying to your kids – and to yourself! — about whether or not you’re still married! I have to imagine a loving, compassionate God wouldn’t want you hanging on to something or someone who has so clearly left you and doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Quit using your faith as an excuse to avoid moving on; your marriage has been legally over for two years and who knows how long it was emotionally over before that. You need to figure out a way to generate an income because I also can’t imagine your ex will continue paying all your living expenses forever, especially once your kids become adults. In every way, it’s time for you to MOA.