His sister didn’t approve of our relationship when we first got together. She said awful things about me and tried to convince him that I was no good and I didn’t really like him — that I was just with him to get back at her and my ex, whom she is now dating. She eventually “got over it” when she saw I wasn’t going anywhere, but we’ve had multiple arguments throughout my relationship with her brother.
I am currently eight months pregnant by her brother, and a few months ago, when my boyfriend and I were going through a tough spot and had trust issues, I went through his phone and found that his sister was saying to him that I’m the type of girl who would hold our baby as leverage against him. This is the kind of stuff she fills his head with constantly.
His sister is only home about 60% of the time, and when she comes home, he gets so excited. If we’re lying in bed, he’ll hop right up and go hold an hour conversation with her, even if they’ve been texting all day. His sister doesn’t have a room at the house. so if she decides to stay home that night, she shares the bed with her brother, my boyfriend. Yes, they sleep together… she is 20 years old, he is 22! She could sleep on the couch but would rather sleep with him… in the bed we have sex in. If my boyfriend and I have plans to sleep over at his house but his sister decides to stay home and sleep in his bed, he’ll call off the plans. Or sometimes before we even make plans to sleep over at his house, he will first call his sister to basically check if it’s okay with her, if she’s sleeping in his bed that night or not. Sometimes I’ll invite him out and he’ll refuse to go unless his sister is going. Whenever we all go out together, the two of them hang out and leave me out.
I feel like he’s dating his sister more than he’s dating me. When he gets dressed, he runs to ask his sister if it looks okay even though I’m sitting right there. If he needs something ironed or folded, he asks his sister to do it, not me. Sometime I feel that she is TOO involved in our relationship, too opinionated about us. Am I just jealous or does this make you uncomfortable too? — Feeling Uncomfortable
A lot about this makes me uncomfortable. A 22-year-old man who can’t fold his own clothes? Seriously?! And he’s going to be a father in a few weeks? Very uncomfortable. The idea that his sister seems to be homeless, or at least has no bed of her own? Uncomfortable. The fact that you are about to have a child with someone who doesn’t have his own home (let alone one you share together) and that it doesn’t seem like there’s even a place to raise this baby is very concerning. Where will the baby sleep? I assume you must have your own place, but it doesn’t sound like your boyfriend ever comes over? If you are ever together, it’s at his family’s home where he shares a bed with his sister? All of this would make me uncomfortable, and if there weren’t a baby about to be born any day, I’d advise you to wash your hands of this, walk away, and never look back. Your boyfriend doesn’t seem to respect you, love you, or even like your company very much. (I know you want to make this about the sister, but you’re not dating her. You’re dating her brother, and he’s the one who’s showing an astounding lack of interest in you.)
But… you’re about to have a child and you need to prioritize his/her needs first. That child deserves an opportunity to have a relationship with its father. And you will need whatever support he decides (or is legally mandated) to provide. I mean, forget about your relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. It’s done, it’s over. Now you have to focus on your co-parenting relationship and how you can work together to provide the best upbringing you’re able to for your child. If you haven’t already, you need to figure out the bare basics for this kid, like where it will sleep and how it be clothed and fed. Maybe you are financially independent and will have no problem supporting this child, which would be fantastic. But on the chance that that isn’t the case and that it will be a financial struggle to support your baby, have you applied for government assistance yet to help provide basic necessities for your child? Have you considered adoption? If it’s at all something you would consider, you will need your boyfriend on board and you’ll need to work quickly. The younger the baby, the better its chance of being placed with a loving family who desperately wants it (and is able to provide for it in a way that you might not be able to). If you’ve completely ruled out adoption, I urge you to speak to a family attorney about establishing child support. Something tells me there’s a good chance you’ll be the primary caregiver of this child, and you’ll want whatever legal assistance is available to help obtain whatever support from the baby’s father that you can. (And remember: Even a legal mandate is no guarantee you’ll ever see a penny, so emotionally prepare for that scenario.)
Basically: You have a lot to think about right now. Whether your baby’s father is too close with his sister is, like, not even on the list of priorities. It’s a fruitless concern. There’s no relationship here to save. If this guy truly loved you and wanted to invest in a relationship, he would. The sister provides a distraction from you — one he seems all too eager to grab. But there’s this baby about to be born, and that baby deserves the best that you can give it. So please shift your focus onto that goal. It matters so much more than how many photos the guy you have sex with is posting of his sister on Instagram.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].