No, it’s extremely abnormal and if every bit of your internal radar and intuition signaling to you that something is really fucked up here isn’t going off, it should be. It is not normal for a grown man to think about giving a gift of jewelry to a young girl he’s met only once, whom he isn’t related to, and whom he finds “really pretty.” This is child predator behavior, and that you took this freak to visit your niece should be giving you a serious case of anxiety. Was he at any time left alone with her? Alert your sister immediately about what this loser has said, dump his ass, block him every which way he has of getting in touch with you, and then congratulate yourself for listening to your gut, for feeling deep down that something was off, because something IS off. This is not normal behavior, and you need to stay as far away from this guy as you can and cut all ties with him. He’s one of the bad guys.
I don’t want to be alone, but I can’t deal with so many issues. — What To Do with the Ring?
You owe this guy absolutely nothing. Who cares if he cries when you try to end it? That’s his problem. You don’t need to see his tears anymore. Put the ring in the mail along with a letter stating that your relationship is over and that you request that he not contact you, the end, good-bye. It’s good that your brother and father shelter you, because you may need some protection if this guy won’t leave you alone. Let them know you’re breaking up with him and that you could use their support moving forward as your grieve the end of the relationship and prepare for the potential of his harassing you. Harassment isn’t love though. And fear of being alone is not a good reason to stay with someone who makes you sad, anxious, and worried. You have to MOA.
Before Christmas, we had a big blow-up. The blow-up involved his demeanor when his sister comes to town. He becomes somewhat quiet, whereas he is usually a fun guy when it’s the two of us together. He sometimes contradicts what I say in front of her and excludes me from conversation. While she was visiting, I went back to my home — I had been staying at my boyfriend’s house — to allow them to have time together. When I returned, he and I got into a bad argument. Because I hollered at him, he pushed me into the bathtub, held his hand out to help me get up, then took me and began choking me, and pulled/threw me around, banging my head against the mirror. I was in total shock. After this, I got all of my things together and I moved out.
This alone, I know, should have been the end of us. However, after a month and a half, I went back to him, but I didn’t move in with him. I own my own home. He made more to do about the fact that I hollered at him and not about the fact that he physically assaulted me. My overlooking this fact and going back with him bothers me. Because I love him, my judgment is clouded.
Since I have been back with him, I keep having a gut feeling about him. I have a problem with the fact that he doesn’t seem to be putting forth an effort to text or call me. I’m usually the one that will text or call. Also, he mentioned that he is about to take on studying for a test that he plans to take to increase his financial situation. He mentioned that we could talk about how we will see each other in between his studying for the test. I’m not a selfish person, but this doesn’t feel right. My thought is if you love someone, you don’t put limits on them. When I mentioned to him that I saw this as a control issue and that I didn’t like the idea, he stated that he said that WE can talk about it–that my input was required.
Any advice or thoughts that you have or something that you see from reading this would be greatly appreciated. I don’t want to discuss this with my best friend because she has no idea that I have gone back to him and, plus, she would side with me. — Clouded Judgment
Forget that he doesn’t text or call you or that he wants time to study for a test. Those are minor issues. You know what ISN’T a minor issue? THAT HE BEATS YOU. You know this is fucked up. You KNOW you should not be with him. You can’t even tell your best friend you’re back together with him because you know it’s the worst idea and she’d be so upset. His lack of texts and calls is not the issue here. Throwing you into a bathtub, choking you, pushing you around, and shoving your head into a mirror are the issues here. He is an abusive, horrible person. (Is he, by chance, in the Trump administration?)
MOA, MOA, MOA. And get yourself to therapy to get the support you need to never, ever fall into this kind of trap again.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.