Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Boyfriend Wants to Go to a Destination Wedding Three Weeks After Our Baby is Born”

I’m 42 and expecting my first child. The baby is due at the end of December, and my boyfriend’s teammate at work (a girl with lots of single friends) and close friend of many years is getting married (in another country) the third week of January.

I am upset that he wants to go to the wedding, so far away from where we live, so soon after our baby is due. Not only am I nervous about being alone to take care of the baby at only three weeks old (he thinks that if I have help from my mom or nanny I should be fine), I’m very insecure about the fact that I am going to be overweight, I will not have had sex with my boyfriend for a month at least, and he’s going to be alone with unlimited alcohol and partying with gorgeous bikini-clad women.

I know that that’s insecure, and I can’t help it. I’m 42, pregnant, and emotional. I’m feeling insecure right now.

I already suffer from clinical depression and I have spoken with my therapist about the probability that I will have postpartum depression as well. I’m really afraid of being overwhelmed with the depression after the birth. My boyfriend is very attractive and is in the gym four times a week. I know that, at 43 years old after giving birth, I will be feeling overweight and uncomfortable with my body. I feel like he should be more considerate of my feelings and want to be there for me to comfort me and make me feel loved and beautiful and important after giving birth to our first child.

Is it unfair for me to be upset with him about wanting to go and party for a week with these friends instead of staying home with me to help me with the baby? — Mom To Be

It’s not unfair for you to want your partner to be with you as much as possible to help with the baby in the weeks and first few months after the birth. You will be exhausted, overwhelmed, hormonal, and potentially dealing with depression. A new baby is a ton of work, and if you have a partner who can take on some of that work, he needs to be there. Leaving you and the baby for a week to attend a wedding in another country just weeks after your due date doesn’t seem an appropriate sacrifice. And the fact that you are not OK with it should be reason enough.

I am curious about how you’ve framed your request that he skip this wedding though. (You have made that request, haven’t you? If not, you should—right away.) Because while it is fair to ask him to stay and help with the brand new baby, it isn’t fair to put responsibility on him to make you feel secure and comfortable and confident. This insecurity that you’ve already projected on your postpartum self is not about him. It’s about you. And YOU need to be the one to… well, deal with it. It’s a little alarming that you’re already thinking about your postpartum body so negatively. (“I’ll be overweight,” “I’ll be uncomfortable with my body.”) Maybe you WILL feel negatively about your body — I’ll be the first to admit, there’s nothing glamorous or sexy about the postpartum period when you’re wearing enormous maxi pads and mesh panties, applying cream to chapped, leaky nipples, and watching your abdomen morph into a deflated volleyball. But there’s also something incredibly empowering and beautiful about giving life to another human — growing it for nine months, giving birth, feeding it and nurturing it (often with your own body). I hope you are able to feel that sense of empowerment and pride and wonder. To be 43 and able to give birth to your first baby is truly a gift.

That said, it’s really common — and totally ok — to not feel sexy or attractive in those early weeks and months after giving birth. The sleep deprivation alone does a real number on a person. So I applaud you for thinking ahead about your emotional and mental health and talking to your therapist about how you’ll manage your clinical depression and potential PPD if you have it. But I am concerned that there seems to be so little trust between you and your boyfriend that the thought of his being around bikini-clad women after you will have gone a month or more without sex between the two of you has you so worried. That’s not healthy. It’s understandable that you’d want your boyfriend to stay and help with the overwhelming task of caring for a newborn, but if part of your reason for wanting him to skip the wedding is so he won’t cheat or be tempted to cheat on you, you’ve got some problems — really, more problems than I can address in a brief response to you.

You’re about to have a child together, and I would assume you are at least considering a long-term commitment together. You need to address your trust and jealousy issues asap, preferably with the guidance of a therapist. Even if your romantic relationship doesn’t work out, you are looking at at least 18 years of co-parenting a minor together, and you need to have basic trust and communication to do so successfully for all involved. That is way, way more important than some wedding you don’t want your boyfriend to go to. I mean, that’s just a symptom of the problem, and until you actually address the problem, you will continue having disagreements and fights that will seem to be about one thing but will really be about the lack of trust between you two and your demand that your boyfriend be responsible for your self-esteem.

So, in short: Tell him you don’t want him going to the wedding, but frame that request around the demands of having a newborn and not your insecurity about his being around other women. Make an appointment with a couples counselor to work through the trust issues you have. I’d also schedule some parenting classes to help give you both a better idea of what to expect with a brand new baby.

109 comments… add one
  • avatar

    dinoceros May 7, 2018, 9:16 am

    Wendy has good advice. I think it’s pretty irresponsible for him to plan to go to a destination wedding that soon after the birth. Technically, the baby could be late, so it’s possible that you could have even less time between the birth and the wedding. Making plans like that after any sort of major medical event (birth, surgery, etc.) is not a great idea. Considering his judgment, I’m not sure it would turn out well for him to end up in a situation where he had to decide between losing thousands of dollars in airfare or staying behind in case things aren’t going as smoothly as expected at home. Hopefully things will go smoothly, but you can’t guarantee that. It’s a big risk financially because neither of you can predict how well or stressfully things will go, and unless he’s prepared to go to the wedding literally no matter what happens, then there a not-so-slim chance that he may need to miss the wedding after purchasing a ticket.

    I have friends who just had babies, and I can’t imagine any of their husbands even WANTING to go somewhere at this time. Not just out of obligation to their wives but because they were so in love with their baby that they’d not have been able to stand it. Maybe it’s a generational thing, though.

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    • avatar

      Anon May 7, 2018, 10:13 am

      “Making plans like that after any sort of major medical event (birth, surgery, etc.) is not a great idea.”

      I know a couple who just had their first child. The baby was 9 days late, delivered via C-section, and after the surgery, the mother nearly died due to uncontrollable hemorrhaging. She was in the ICU for five days.

      My point is, you can never really predict how giving birth may go. Though it is unlikely, it is also totally possible that you could still be in the hospital when the date of the wedding arrives.

      It’s been my experience that women tend to be more aware than men of how unpredictable pregnancy and delivery. Probably because our mothers, sisters, and female friends tend to share these kinds of stories.

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      • avatar

        Lisa May 7, 2018, 12:03 pm

        I totally agree about women being more aware. I am 40 and my fiance of 47 had no clue how hard it would be for me to get pregnant, how risky giving birth would be or anything that went along with it, he just knew he wanted a kid! Unless the man has been around women giving birth or has a kid, he is legit clueless. That being said he has likely already booked the ticket and is going to incur the loss of cancellation. If he has not booked already he should purchase trip insurance, and make sure it covers this type of cancellation. It is going to be more expensive, but will be less than the cost of cancelling.

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  • becboo84

    becboo84 May 7, 2018, 9:18 am

    I second everything Wendy said! The fact that you don’t want him to leave you for an out of the country wedding festivity three weeks after your baby is born is 100% reasonable. However, your reasoning for not wanting him to go (he’s attractive, his work partner is female and has a lot of single, attractive friends) is completely unreasonable. I hope you are able to work through some of these issues before the birth of your baby.

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  • juliecatharine

    juliecatharine May 7, 2018, 9:21 am

    Hate to say it but a guy who would even consider going isn’t likely to be a hands-on kind of father. I hope you have other options OP because I don’t know if you can count on much from him.

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    • avatar

      Northern Star May 7, 2018, 9:36 am

      Yeah, I agree. I can’t really imagine a loving partner doing this. It’s pretty pathetic that boyfriend here is so clueless or selfish that he can’t turn down the trip on his own. Although a loving partner wouldn’t primarily be worried about bikini-clad women in this scenario, either.

      I doubt these two have a strong/lasting relationship. “Boyfriend” doesn’t really equal life partner, though.

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      • juliecatharine

        juliecatharine May 7, 2018, 9:38 am

        Yeah…the whole thing is just…not sounding great. I hope they make good co-parents.

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      • avatar

        Lisa May 7, 2018, 12:04 pm

        It actually makes me wonder, and I asked in my comment if this was planned by both of them, and how onboard he was with the pregnancy, also how old is he?

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      • avatar

        Mom to be May 8, 2018, 6:22 pm

        Hi!! I totally get why you ladies are doubting the relationship….Here are more details:

        My boyfriend was in the “friend zone” after the same person who is getting married tried to match make us in 2009. I was interested in getting to know him and start dating. He invited me to a New Years Eve party that he was hosting and in the middle of our conversation he spotted a gorgeous girl come in the door, told me he’d be right back and I never saw him or spoke to him again. He then went on the date a girl for 2 years that is plastic surgery form head to toe. He has a reputation as a “player.” He broker up with that girl (he dated her 2011-2013) and played the field until we started dating in 2016.

        When we started dating: He had been employed by our mutual friend at our office for about a year. I have worked there since 2006. He asked me out repeatedly and always told him no. One night I gave in to his request and we really hit it off. I told him I had trust issue with him due to the way he treated me in 2009 and his reputation. He explained that he had gotten married young and had to go through a “sowing of your wild oats stage” after his divorce and now he wants to settle down with the right girl. He has 2 kids: one is 16 and one is 20. He has had sole custody of them for 8 years and they rarely see their mother. I love them and was looking forward to becoming a blended family.

        When we started to fall in love; I was VERY UP FRONT with him about wanting to have a baby. Everyone at our office knows I was pregnant in Summer 2015 at 39 and lost the baby at 19 weeks when I was 40. I was planning on pulling the equity out of my home to do IVF and become a single mother. I asked him in Summer 2016, if we were still together in Summer of 2017: would he be open to having another child. He told me that he loved being a dad, was crazy about me, and that having another baby was definitely “not off of the table.”

        Last Summer as my 42nd bday was nearing: I brought up going off birth control and starting IVF (I was willing to completely cover all costs involved). He told me that he was willing to ‘not prevent” but did not want to actively seek medical help getting pregnant. He said that if it was God’s will then we would get pregnant. As months went by: depression started to set in. I had been recovering from losing my last baby for about a year when I agreed to go out with him the first time in Summer 2016 and I started feeling hopeless that I would ever be a mother due to my age. Being with him and his kids over the Holidays; watching him be Super Dad to his kids made me feel sad for myself that I wasn’t going to experience that. I love them although I have always wanted to experience being a mother.

        I told him that I was too old to let chance continue being our way of getting pregnant and I would resent him if I went in to early menopause without trying IVF. He admitted to me that he changed his mind about having a baby and was happy with the 2 kids he has and did not want to start over. I was really hurt and upset because I was up front about this from the very beginning of the relationship.

        We broke up the first week of January and I decided to start IVF on my own. I started seeing a Therapist to help me deal with all of this “the baby issue” in November. I like getting other women’s opinions though and this is anonymous. All of my friends know him and either judge him now and hate him and think he’s selfish because they were there with me when i lost the baby and know how important it is to me and that I was up front from before I fell in love with him AND put getting pregnant on the back burner for a year to focus on growing our relationship even though my age was creeping up towards infertility…..OR they have grown kids, wouldn’t want to start over and totally get his point of view.

        In February 2018, Our company had a conference in Los Angeles and we got back together. I missed him terribly and I love him. He says he missed me terribly and loves me. He told me that if I really wanted to be a mother: he would support me getting IVF and be with me: he just didn’t want to be a father again. He said he wanted to be in a relationship with me but didn’t want the fear of raising a baby again (his daughter was abused by her maternal grandfather). I FINALLY have him going to counseling and his kids are starting counseling. His 20 year old daughter and her 22 year old boyfriend live with my boyfriend and his 16 year old son. Both kids have been traumatized by losing their mother to this abuse issue 8 years ago and I understand his point of view. This is a difficult situation.

        When we were broken up for a month: he was sough after by numerous women that wanted to take my place and he started going out on the weekends . I was trying to mourn the relationship and heal form the emotional turmoil of it all and he was out partying with model types just like after his divorce, and posting it all over social media: so I felt the sting of jealously for sure. That and my already hurt self form 2009: Hence the hormonal insecurities now…

        He was the one who sought reconciliation with me and told me he was just trying to take his mind off of things when we were broken up and it was no big deal….I am working with my therapist on my insecurities….It’s just that women literally throw themselves at him ALL THE TIME. And I am worried that he is developing a resentment against me for this pregnancy that he is now a part of when I was going to do IVF with a sperm donor. He says that he’s not and he is happy about the baby: just scared. He is in therapy every week as am I.

        I really wanted to be parents with him: however I had to respect where he was at in his process and I was running out of time: so I agreed to do IVF with a sperm donor and still be in a relationship with him. I interviewed IVF doctors and I went in for my first official exam and blood work, My AMH level is .93 and healthy range is 1.5-4. I was told to call them when my next period stared and they would schedule my next appointment for the day after it would end. I thought I was having my period and I called them to tell them. It was a Thursday. I went in on Monday to get started. I went in for my saline sonogram to start IVF and they gave me a quick urine test to check for pregnancy as the saline sonogram would kill a baby: I found out I was pregnant naturally. What I thought was my period was Implantation Bleeding. The entire previous year I had been testing my ovulation and taking my temperature. I finally resolved myself to getting IVF and the one month that I didn’t seek out my ovulation: I got pregnant naturally.

        He hasn’t told his kids yet and doesn’t want to tell anyone: I of course want to shout it from the roof tops that I’m FINALLY pregnant again after 3 years. He told me that he loves me and wants us to be a blended family. He wants to move out of his apartment with his 2 kids and his daughters boyfriend and move in to my house. I am unsure if I want to be sharing my home with 2 other adults as well as a newborn. If his daughter is in college full time this Fall then, I of course would want her moving into my house: not her boyfriend though. I feel that if they want to be adults then they should want their own place. His daughter’s boyfriend is 22 years old is not a student, and works full time. I think they should get their own apartment. However; it’s a fine line I am walking as I know she has attachment issues from the abuse she went through and I don’t want my BF to feel he has to choose between me and his daughter. I feel that the reason he changed his mind about having kids with me is because the closer we got to having an addition to our family: the more the kids felt threatened that he would start another family and they do not want that. He really struggles with making them, himself and me happy…. part of the reason I feel a little insecure… women were kind of like a drug to him for about 10 years. I am the only relatively normal (lol) girlfriend he’s had since his divorce. I have loving parents, a close knit group of lifelong friends, am well traveled, have college degrees and LOVE his kids. I know i’m not perfect. I know that I mean well and am doing the best I can to be healthy and happy and to be supportive of all of them without being codependent and not setting boundaries.

        I’m getting the feeling that what I had hoped would be a happy blended family is going to be a very stressful transition. And my boyfriend has a hard time coping and dealing with stress. He avoids….this is how the problem got so bad in the first place. He and both kids should have been in therapy for the last 8 years. His son and daughter start therapy this week from me pushing him repeatedly and lovingly to take action in this area.

        It’s not that I do not trust him: I am feeling insecure and I know that he doesn’t handle stress well and people make mistakes. I think it might be difficult for him to have gorgeous nearly naked women throwing themselves at him while he has a baby he didn’t really want and a stressed out blended family at home, He is a human being and might think that what I don’t know won’t hurt me.

        At the end of the day IO am growing a tiny little life inside of me. I want to be able to be a good example for this little baby and raise he or she up to be a loving and kind, responsible member of society. THANKS AGAIN TO EVERYONE FOR YOU SUPPORT.

        Hugs,
        mom-to be

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      • avatar

        dinoceros May 8, 2018, 8:47 pm

        So, you each are in therapy. Are you in therapy together? It’s hard to follow the entire story, but it sounds like he’s spent quite a bit of this journey not actively wanting another kid. It’s hard to tell where he landed at this point. Knowing that and seeing his behavior, it sort of sounds like he’s trying to hang on to his previous life rather than embrace what’s coming next.

        I also think it’s pretty odd that women are throwing themselves at him. I don’t think that’s very common for older men. I mean, my stepmom goes on about how cute my dad is (I don’t really know if he’s objectively attractive other women his age), but nobody is throwing themselves at him. Probably because he’s married and people know he’s with someone. Unless your boyfriend is George Clooney, it seems like him being with you would be enough to deter women.

        Anyway, there’s a lot of baggage here that probably should have been worked out beforehand, but it sounds like you wanted a baby regardless of what happened with the relationship. In that case, I guess it doesn’t matter so much as long, but I’d say that it’s probably best to keep some independence in case he finds that this isn’t going to work. But I think the therapy together would be helpful. (Him saying he’s scared seems like the kind of reason that sounds good, but doesn’t make a lot of practical sense.)

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom May 8, 2018, 9:08 pm

        @mom to be

        You will never have a blended family unless you take his family as it is. You don’t get to choose to take only him and his son. His current family includes two more people and if you wish to blend families you need to take them all. If you don’t the whole thing will fail. Trying to force a choice that excludes his daughter will lead to constant, long term turmoil. If you want as much stability as possible for your baby you accept them all. You knew who he was and who his family included when you got pregnant. You don’t get to start picking who gets left out. If you can’t live with all of them then you need to live with just you and the baby.

        As far as the two of you go I wouldn’t expect this relationship to last. I’m not trying to be mean. The two of you have had a rocky relationship and he sounds like a playboy and you have serious issues with insecurity. The two of those don’t go well together. Throw a baby that was unwanted by him into the relationship and it will be stress all the way around. Every baby adds stress to a relationship and your relationship seems fragile to begin with so it won’t take as much stress.

        I hope for the sake of the baby that the two of you can manage to give it a stable home. Something much more stable than his other kids have had. It is too late for this now for you, but for anyone else thinking about doing something similar, you need to look at a person’s history to decide if they will provide the long term stability you need to raise healthy, well adjusted children. I fully understand wanting to have a baby. I don’t understand wanting to have a baby with this man by your side. What is done is done so you will need to make the best of it. This guy has two kids. He knows the reality of pregnancy and the first month of a newborn’s life and he still wants to get away at three weeks. That tells you what he thinks of this pregnancy and this baby and his desire to escape. He is very clearly telling you he wants to get away.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom May 8, 2018, 9:13 pm

        The man who wants to keep it a secret that he is the father of your baby is letting you know he isn’t going to be the dad. You need to get his name on the birth certificate and since you aren’t married that will only happen if he signs the certificate. If he refuses to sign you need to get a paternity test, even if you require a court order. The man who refuses to let anyone know he is the father is trying to opt out of being the father. He wants to be able to walk away at any time with no responsibility. You need to make him responsible. I think that you can assume you will be a single mother which is what you were planning anyway.

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      • avatar

        ron May 9, 2018, 7:18 am

        I’m sorry mom-to-be. This guy doesn’t want to be a father to your child. It sounds like you got together with him initially then returned after your split in full knowledge that he was a player and had been a player for a long time. It takes manipulative skills as well as a pleasing appearance for a man to be a successful player. Players are glib and practiced at finding out and telling each woman exactly what she wants to here. He may have a reputation as a player, but is also able to convince each new woman that she is the special woman, the real love, who has the power to transform him into a faithful husband. Or not, which is why he’s going off to a destination wedding.

        The good news is that you were preparing to be an IVF single mom before you got together with him. Now you’ll be a single mom, but you’ll know who the father is and will be able to collect child support.

        I doubt he ever wanted to be a father. He didn’t think it likely you would become pregnant so his words were all part of the con. Your mistake was expecting a player to suddenly stop being a player for you.

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      • avatar

        anonymousse May 9, 2018, 8:11 am

        Wow.
        I think you know exactly what this trip will be like, and what it means. He falls under the category of “old dog, no new tricks.”

        I’m sorry, Mom-to-be.

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      • avatar

        Fyodor May 9, 2018, 9:44 am

        “The man who wants to keep it a secret that he is the father of your baby is letting you know he isn’t going to be the dad. You need to get his name on the birth certificate and since you aren’t married that will only happen if he signs the certificate. If he refuses to sign you need to get a paternity test, even if you require a court order. The man who refuses to let anyone know he is the father is trying to opt out of being the father. He wants to be able to walk away at any time with no responsibility. You need to make him responsible. I think that you can assume you will be a single mother which is what you were planning anyway.”

        I would be shocked if he doesn’t demand some proof of paternity. In addition to all the correct reasons people believe that he’s not interested in being a parent, he’s got to have some skepticism about whether the kid is his. I mean, after years of fighting over whether having kids together and seeking out IVF treatments, his on-again off-again girlfriend told him that she coincidentally got naturally pregnant from him at the exact same time at 42. He has to have some doubts about whether he’s getting the full story.

        In any event, I think that you should work on formalizing arrangements for paternity, child support, etc. as much as possible. Hopefully things will work out and he’ll grow into his role as a partner and parent, but I wouldn’t bank on it.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark May 9, 2018, 9:57 am

        Everybody is bagging on this guy. But PLEASE — he ALREADY has grown children! Not everybody feels the need to pop out multiple litters… Nor should they. WTF?
        .
        When somebody tells you REPEATEDLY that they DON’T want kids with you.., here’s a fucking novel idea.
        .
        Believe them.
        .
        He SHOULD demand a paternity test. Yeeeesh. What a fucking mess.
        .
        Enjoy single motherhood. Cause it’s a-coming…

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy May 9, 2018, 10:42 am

        If the guy didn’t want another baby, maybe he shouldn’t have had unprotected sex with a woman who made if beyond clear she was dying and trying for a baby!

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom May 9, 2018, 9:58 am

        @Fyodor I can see that he could have doubts about paternity. They now do genetic testing during pregnancy with blood drawn from the mother to see if there are any genetic problems. They could do paternity testing before the baby was born if he would want that.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom May 9, 2018, 10:00 am

        @BGM A man who is sure he doesn’t want to be a father should get a vasectomy. They both walked into this situation willingly and now they get what they get. He’s going to have a baby he doesn’t want and she gets a guy whose going to be chasing women. Looks like lots of happiness all the way around.

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      • avatar

        Fyodor May 9, 2018, 10:15 am

        One other point-they’re not even living together and I assume don’t have merged finances. Even if there weren’t all the other warning signs, she still would need to formalize some kind of financial arrangement to protect herself and the kid.

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        Fyodor May 9, 2018, 10:17 am

        Everybody is bagging on this guy. But PLEASE — he ALREADY has grown children! Not everybody feels the need to pop out multiple litters… Nor should they. WTF?”

        Right, but maybe he shouldn’t then have a relationship with someone who is desperate to have a kid in the short term?

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        SpaceySteph May 9, 2018, 10:21 am

        LW, I think its best to proceed as if you did get pregnant from a sperm donor. You were willing to be a single mom, and I think you’re going to have to be. Reads to me like he was willing to “not prevent” because he assumed you’d have trouble getting pregnant and so he could get the brownie points for free.

        I also am dubious about this thing with women throwing themselves at him. Does he come home and tell you about a bunch of women throwing themselves at him or is this something you have personally experienced? I’d bet he’s making it up and is attempting to gaslight you into thinking you’re insecure when you are actually reacting normally to legitimate man-whore behavior on his part.

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    • Kate B.

      Kate B. May 7, 2018, 9:37 am

      Yup, that’s what I’m thinking. Wendy’s advice is spot-on, but the fact that this is even an issue is a big red flag for me.

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      csp May 7, 2018, 9:52 am

      I don’t know if that is totally fair. This a close friend and colleague. I also know that they are not parents yet and maybe the reality hasn’t set in yet. I know with many first time parents, they don’t realize how much their life is going to change.

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        Fyodor May 7, 2018, 9:54 am

        Yeah, he may very well be an asshole, but I’ve met a lot of men and women who are just completely unrealistic about what having an infant entails.

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        Northern Star May 7, 2018, 10:02 am

        I think the boyfriend’s response would be about right for an accidental pregnancy that he’s not super invested in. Which is the vibe I get from this letter.

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      • juliecatharine

        juliecatharine May 7, 2018, 10:32 am

        I guess it’s possible but these people are in their 40s. It seems willfully ignorant to not recognize that having a baby will disrupt your travel plans.

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      • avatar

        dinoceros May 8, 2018, 8:38 pm

        I didn’t read the whole thing that closely, but per the update, he has kids already. He either wasn’t around much when they were born/didn’t take an active role in their care, or is just sort of selfish, IMO.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse May 7, 2018, 9:59 am

    I totally can understand the influx of hormones could be skewing your emotions right now, but I have to say, even without the crazy pregnancy hormones, this sounds bad. I don’t think it’s you, you know this is not typical behavior for a new father.

    I can’t imagine any of the dads that I know leaving right after you give birth to go anywhere, let alone party for a week. Regardless of the bikinis and attractive women, that’s not what an invested father or partner would do. It’s actually kind of repugnant.

    Do you trust him, generally?

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      anonymousse May 7, 2018, 10:02 am

      Have you told him about your depression and what your therapist has said?

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      • avatar

        Lisa May 7, 2018, 12:05 pm

        Yes, right!!! How long have they been dating? are they together because this was an oops pregnancy and he’s trying to do what he should?

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      • avatar

        Mom to be May 8, 2018, 5:42 pm

        Hey everyone!

        It’s me who wrote in the question… THANK YOU Wendy for the quick, detailed response. Here are some more details….

        My boyfriend was in the “friend zone” after the same person who is getting married tried to match make us in 2009. I was interested in getting to know him and start dating. He invited me to a New Years Eve party that he was hosting and in the middle of our conversation he spotted a gorgeous girl come in the door, told me he’d be right back and I never saw him or spoke to him again. He then went on the date a girl for 2 years that is plastic surgery form head to toe. He has a reputation as a “player.” He broker up with that girl (he dated her 2011-2013) and played the field until we started dating in 2016.

        When we started dating: He had been employed by our mutual friend at our office for about a year. I have worked there since 2006. He asked me out repeatedly and always told him no. One night I gave in to his request and we really hit it off. I told him I had trust issue with him due to the way he treated me in 2009 and his reputation. He explained that he had gotten married young and had to go through a sowing of your wild oats stage after his divorce and now he wants to settle down with the right girl. He has 2 kids: one is 16 and one is 20. He has had sole custody of them for 8 years and they rarely see theri mother. I love them and was looking forward to becoming a blended family.

        When we started to fall in love; I was VERY UP FRONT with him about wanting to have a baby. Everyone at our office knows I was pregnant in Summer 2015 at 39 and lost the baby at 19 weeks when I was 40. I was planning on pulling the equity out of my home to do IVF and become a single mother. I asked him in Summer 2016, if we were still together in Summer of 2017: would he be open to having another child. He told me that he loved being a dad, was crazy about me, and that having another baby was definitely “not off of the table.”

        Last Summer as my 42nd bday was nearing: I brought up going off birth control and starting IVF (I was willing to completely cover all costs involved). He told me that he was willing to ‘not prevent” but did not want to actively seek medical help getting pregnant. He said that if it was God’s will then we would get pregnant. As months went by: depression started to set in. I had been recovering form losing my last baby for about a year when I agreed to go out with him the first time in Summer 2016 and I started feeling hopeless that I would ever be a mother due to my age. Being with him and his kids over the Holidays; watching him be Super Dad to his kids made me feel sad for myself that I wasn’t going to experience that. I love them although I have always wanted to be a mother.

        I told him that I was too old to let chance continue being our way of getting pregnant and I would resent him if I went in to early menopause without trying IVF. He admitted to me that he changed his mind about having a baby and was happy with the 2 kids he has and did not want to start over. I was really hurt and upset because I was up front about this from the very beginning of the relationship.

        We broke up the first week of January and I decided to start IVF on my own. I started seeing a Therapist to help me deal with all of this “the baby issue” in November. I like getting other women’s opinions though and this anonymous. All of my friends know him and either hate him and think he’s selfish because they were there with me when i lost the baby: or they have grown kids, wouldn’t want to start over and totally get his point of view.

        In February 2018, we had a conference in Los Angeles and we got back together. I missed him terribly and I love him. He says he missed me terribly and loves me. He told me that if I really wanted to be a mother: he would support me getting IVF and be with me: he just didn’t want to be a father again. He said he wanted to be in a relationship with me but didn’t want the fear of raising a baby again (his daughter was abused by her maternal grandfather). I FINALLY have him going to counseling and his kids are starting counseling. His 20 year old daughter and he 22 year old boyfriend live with m boyfriend and his 16 year old son. Both kids have been traumatized by losing their mother to this abuse issue 8 years ago and I understand his point of view.

        When we were broken up for a month: he was sough after by numerous women that wanted to take my place and he started going out on the weekends . I was trying to mourn the relationship and heal form the emotional turmoil of it all and he was out partying with model types just like after his divorce, and posting it all over social media: so I felt the sting of jealously for sure. He was the one who sought reconcilitation with me and told me he was just trying to take his mind off of things and it was no big deal….I am working with my therapist on my insecurities….It’s just that women literally throw themselves at him ALL THE TIME. And I am worried that he is developing a resentment against me for this pregnancy that he is now a part of when I was going to do IVF with a sperm donor.

        I went in for my saline sonogram to start IVF and they gave me a quick urine test to check for pregnancy as the saline sonogram would kill a baby: I found out I was pregnant naturally. He hasn’t told his kids yet and doesn’t want to tell anyone: I of course want to shout it from the roof tops that I’m FINALLY pregnant again after 3 years. He told me that he loves me and wants us to be a blended family. He wants to move out of his apartment with his 2 kids and his daughters boyfriend and move in to my house. I am unsure if I want to be sharing my home with 2 other adults as well as a newborn. If his daughter is in college full time this Fall then, I of course wouldn’t mind them moving into my house: not her boyfriend though. I feel that if they want to be adults then they should want their own place. His daughter’s boyfriend is 22 years old and works full time. I think they should get their own apartment. However; it’s fine line I am walking as I know she has attachment issue from the abuse she went through and I don’t want my BF to feel he has to choose between me and his daughter. I feel that the reason he changed his mind about having kids with me is because the closer we got the more the kids felt threatened that he would start another family and they do not want that.

        I’m getting the feeling that what I had hoped would be a happy blended family is going to be a very stressful transition. And my vboyfriend has a hard time coping and dealing with stress. He avoids….this is how the problem got so bad in the first palce. He and both kids should have been in therapy for the last 8 years.

        It’s not that I do not trust him: I am feeling insecure and I know that he doesn’t handle stress well and people make mistakes. I think it might be difficult for him to have gorgeous nearly naked women throwing themselves at him while he has a baby he didn’t really want and a stressed out blended family at home, He is a human being and might think that what I don’t know won’t hurt me.

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        Ange May 8, 2018, 9:00 pm

        Oh dear. Good luck with all that….

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark May 7, 2018, 10:19 am

    Good Lord. People THIS NEGATIVE and this fucked in the head shouldn’t be having kids… period. If you can’t handle your depression — NEWSFLASH: you can’t handle being a parent. Harsh, I know. But just ask ANYONE who grew up with a endlessly depressive parent.

    PS — using your depression as a weapon / excuse through which to control others is not much of a foundation for a relationship either. Few guys that go to a friends destination wedding do so simply to fuck sexy girls in bikinis…. and to even suggest as much, LW, suggests you have a sad and pathetic view of men…

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      Mom to be May 8, 2018, 5:47 pm

      I don’t think I’m negative at all. I am handling my depression. I am taking a anitdepressant that is safe for pregnancy and in therapy. It sounds like maybe you never healed from your childhood trauma to be accusing me of using depression as a weapon. People are human beings who make mistakes and my bf has women throwing them selves at him on a daily basis. Pregnancy hormones contribute to the emotional ups and downs that I am going through and mean spirited comments like yours are hurtful. I think Wendy writes this column to help people not hurt them. Hopefully you heal from what you’re going through.
      hugs…

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark May 9, 2018, 10:57 am

        Delusional people making bad decisions simply rubs me the wrong way somehow…

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      Mom to be May 9, 2018, 12:29 pm

      Diagnosing someone as delusional through a few comments in an advice column, sounds a little…well…delusional to me. I’m not going to take your mean spirited comments personally as you obviously have some very serious issues to work through 🙂

      I’ll keep you in my prayers. It’s sad that you’ve had such a rough life; and that your pain leads to making false assumptions and accusations; preventing you from empathizing with others.

      hugs….

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  • avatar

    JD May 7, 2018, 10:30 am

    I do think that many people, probably more men, don’t get how much work it is. They say “ya ya a lot of work” but truly cannot comprehend it until they are in it. He likely thinks, “hey your mom will be there, it’s fine”. Not saying he is right but likely his thought process. A good bet is that about a week in he’d figure it out pretty quickly. But no, he shouldn’t be planning any trips for about a month before and months after birth frankly.

    The main issue though for sure is LW’s insecurities and depression. I think it is good to be understanding of what you might experience after pregnancy but consuming yourself with those thoughts is almost a self fulfilling prophesy. You could be just fine. You should prepare for the worst but be hopeful and positive about the best.

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    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark May 7, 2018, 10:49 am

      Did EVERYBODY miss the part about how she’s gonna have a nanny?! B o o. H o o.

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        JD May 7, 2018, 10:58 am

        Ya, I agree she actually is fine without him there but I would WANT him there. Let’s be honest, the first week of a newborn you barely even know who is there or not. With mom and a nanny she will be quite well taken care of and with more help than most people.

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      • Skyblossom

        Skyblossom May 7, 2018, 11:08 am

        Will her nanny be living with them and be there overnight? Will the nanny drive her to see the doctor if she’s having problems with a c-section not healing properly. Will the nanny take the baby for light treatments if it has jaundice.

        I’ve known too many people who were back in the hospital after going home because things didn’t go well and people who didn’t make it home for a while because there were complications, like the baby had respiratory problems even though it was full term or the mother who had a spinal infection from her epidural and spent over a month in the hospital. They can’t know until it happens whether things will go smoothly or whether they will be at the hospital with a seriously ill newborn who is on IV antibiotics. This happened to my cousin within the last year. At the time of the wedding the baby might have been born weeks early and be over a month old or it might have been weeks overdue and be only a week old. That’s cutting it really close for a trip.

        Even a relatively easy birth leaves the mother exhausted and in pain. The nanny isn’t her partner and doesn’t help her through it.

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        Mom to be May 8, 2018, 5:49 pm

        Don’t be a hater!!

        I didn’t say I was going to have a nanny! My boyfriend suggested having one help me while he was out of town. It was just a suggestion….

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  • MaterialsGirl

    MaterialsGirl May 7, 2018, 10:50 am

    The negativity toward herself shouldn’t be completely blamed on hormones. It sounds like this was a problem prior to getting pregnant and now it’s only intensified.
    For the boyfriend/new dad, he’s probably just excited and doesn’t realize the cluster the first few months will be. At least he’s bringing this up now, and now like, a month before. I will say that my husband brought up that he has a work trip about a month (or two weeks .. depends when this kid is born) after my due date.. I was like. uhhuh suuure. Granted it’s only three or four days total, but it’s going to be a game time decision. I can definitely get help from my mom or his, but he is absolutely aware this is a tentative deal.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom May 7, 2018, 10:54 am

    Has your boyfriend proven himself to be untrustworthy or do you assume he would pick up women just because he’ll have gone without sex for a month? Has your boyfriend been cheating on you? If so he isn’t trustworthy whether or not he goes to the wedding and if not it shouldn’t matter what the women at the beach are wearing, he won’t be having sex with them.

    He should stay home that soon after the baby is born. A first baby is often overdue and two weeks overdue isn’t unusual. If the baby were two weeks overdue he would be leaving you with a baby that is only a week old. If you end up with a c-section you will still be recovering from a major surgery at three weeks postpartum. One of my friends who had a c-section was sent home with instructions to not lift over ten pounds for the next month and her baby was already over 10 pounds. You can’t know what will happen until hit happens. Many babies have to go back because they have jaundice. You won’t know your needs until the baby is born. You won’t know what the baby needs until it is born.

    He needs to be there to help with the baby and to do basic things like go out to buy groceries and diapers. Your mom could do those things but this is his baby and his responsibility. He needs to step up and be there when he is very much needed. Part of being an adult is that sometimes you do what you need to do and pass up on something more fun. I’m hoping that if he is around 40 he should be able to put the needs of a very new family ahead of a destination wedding.

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    • juliecatharine

      juliecatharine May 7, 2018, 12:20 pm

      Bingo.

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  • avatar

    Kay May 7, 2018, 10:58 am

    Can you get your healthcare provider involved in the conversation? I’m less concerned about the women in bikinis at the destination wedding and more concerned about what you realistically can and cannot do alone 3 weeks (or less, first babies are often late) after the birth. I don’t mean to pile on the prenatal worries here, but if you have to have a C-section, you won’t even be able to drive yourself places by the time he leaves, which just seems dangerous! My midwife was totally willing to lay down the law with my partner, who was loving and excited for the baby but completely clueless about both childbirth and infant care. She shut down his most cockamamie ideas by explaining why it wasn’t realistic or potentially downright dangerous for me or the baby, so I didn’t have to be the “killjoy”.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom May 7, 2018, 11:14 am

      He definitely needs to be there for at least a month after the baby is born and until the baby is born you won’t know when that month will be. My babies both had a two week checkup with the doctor and if the mother couldn’t drive he needs to be there to take the baby in for the visit. It is essential to see that the baby is growing okay. If the LW has a deep episiotomy or tears she will also have trouble driving at two weeks because sitting will cause a lot of pain.

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        Autumnrose May 7, 2018, 12:09 pm

        I agree!!! I think she needs to discuss her concern with the medical professional overseeing her care so they can have a realistic talk with the partner. I would be very upset myself. A newborn and new parents are a big deal. I dont have children yet but being an aunt I see what mothers go through and what fathers go through. I’m sad for her that she is feeling insecure when pregnancy itself is beautiful. Its hard to enjoy things when you do suffer from depression and a lack of support. He should cancel his plans. LW congrats on becoming a mommy! It may be scary, unpredictable, may bring out insecurities but the fact that you have life growing in you, that you get to teach your baby life, and have a forever love is awesome. I can’t wait to become a mommy myself. If your man truly,love you and the idea of being a father he will step up reassure you of your feeling and show support. He may not so it perfect but he is learning too. He should not go on that wedding trip.

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        Autumnrose May 7, 2018, 12:12 pm

        Meamt he may not do it*

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      Mom to be May 8, 2018, 5:50 pm

      Kay:

      THANKS for your comment!! I think that is a GREAT idea <3

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  • avatar

    keyblade May 7, 2018, 11:26 am

    I think Wendy gave good advice. I also wonder how long the boyfriend and the LW have been together. If She’s 43 and he is a comparable age, I’d guess they’re both fairly used to doing things their own ways. I can understand how he would be reluctant to miss a wedding of a good friend of several years. But he seems to have a different view of expectations for himself as a partner and as a parent than the letter writer would like for him to have.

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      LisforLeslie May 7, 2018, 11:48 am

      Agreed. I get the sense that this was “it’s my last chance to have a kid” and perhaps he went along with it. That can lead to “you have to take care of your kid that you wanted”

      But that is based solely on nothing more than my inability to process the idea of a new parent not wanting to spend time with their new kid. I mean maybe if this was papa Dugger on number 15 or 16 I wouldn’t be surprised that he was like “Going to work and planning a week’s bible study – you got 10 kids that can help with the other kids; this is so old hat for you that you should be able to pop this one out and go back to cooking 10 pounds of tater tots within the hour. “

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        keyblade May 7, 2018, 12:42 pm

        Ha, ha. It’s hard for me to process a husband (or wife) thinking they could go get away with it. Honestly, I think if I were to have a third, I could live with my spouse going on a trip somewhere but I’d be pissed if he thought he could go off on a warm tropical vacation without me and the kids. Fuck that, pal. lol.

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        keyblade May 7, 2018, 12:51 pm

        Not that my husband would actually want to right after having another child.

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        keyblade May 7, 2018, 12:54 pm

        Or really ever. Apparently he likes being with us.

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        Fyodor May 7, 2018, 1:06 pm

        When SOF* was two weeks old I got sent on a three day work trip (my mom was staying with us). I felt guilty but also it was glorious.

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        Fyodor May 7, 2018, 1:08 pm

        When SOF was maybe five months old, BOF went on a three day bachelorette party trip to Las Vegas, during which time I sleep trained SOF. Five months is of course very very different than a few weeks old.

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        Fyodor May 7, 2018, 1:08 pm

        BOF=Bride of Fyodor
        SOF=Spawn of Fyodor

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        keyblade May 7, 2018, 2:06 pm

        @Fyodar, Meh, a three-day getaway is different.

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    • avatar

      keyblade May 8, 2018, 10:30 am

      If the letter writer reads the comments, I don’t think this is just a “you” issue. I think its fine to tell your boyfriend you don’t want him to go. Your question was “is it unfair for me to be upset with him?” It is perfectly fair to ask for the support you need and the experience as a small family that you want. While he can’t fix your insecurities about this particular friend, or your fears that he may cheat, it isn’t wrong in my opinion to tell him you would like to be the priority. It isn’t controlling or insecure. You are clearly willing to note how much of this is in your head. You will need to work on your insecurities but it is reasonable to want your partner to put you and your baby first right after your child is born.

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      • avatar

        Mom to be May 8, 2018, 5:54 pm

        I love this comment! I expanded on my situation further up in the post. THANKS for the good advice. xo-mom to be

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    Lisa May 7, 2018, 11:46 am

    I wonder, how close the boyfriend is to the friend? Is it just a work colleague or someone he has know for years. To me that plays a factor. If this is his best friend from back home, I think I would be more understanding about him attending. How long ago did he book the tickets? Can he get the airfare refunded? Was the pregnancy planned by both parties? Is he otherwise on board with having the child, attentive, loving etc? How old is he? Her insecurities are totally normal. I am 40 and would feel the same exact way. However, if this were a very close friend of my partner, I would want him to go to the wedding unless I had zero support other than him. I would not want him to regret not attending his best friend’s wedding. So long as he is present for the birth and shortly thereafter, I think it’s reasonable for him to go. and if her insecurities are based on his conduct, then she needs to seriously consider the relationship. If they are solely based on her own thoughts, then she should deal with that in therapy as it is going to keep rearing its’ ugly head.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom May 7, 2018, 12:34 pm

      You can regret not being there for your newborn and partner who should be far more important to you than a longtime friend or a colleague.

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      LisforLeslie May 7, 2018, 2:51 pm

      Invitations shouldn’t come until a couple of months before the event. A save the date isn’t an invite and shouldn’t be used to purchase tickets. A baby that is your own offspring should take precedence over anything else.

      A friendship that is so treasured as to justify missing the first weeks of his (likely) only child – should be strong enough to miss the wedding so he can be present in his child’s first weeks.

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    • avatar

      Mom to be May 8, 2018, 5:58 pm

      She and I have been friends through work for about 12 years and he and she had been friends through boating and partying on the lake by us in Michigan for about 10 years. I have never been much of a drinker nor a boater (until I started dating him and boating last summer). She tired to play match maker and fix us up in 2009 when he totally ditched me at a New Years Eve party and it wasn’t until he joined her team in 2015 that he was back in my life….I expanded on my situation further up in the comments/post. 🙂

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  • avatar

    Bree May 7, 2018, 11:47 am

    This post hit sort of close to home for me, and my heart goes out to the LW. I gave birth in January to a beautiful baby boy. He’s doing great, and I am really starting to enjoy being a mom. However, the first couple of months were really rough. I had to be induced and had a really rough time breastfeeding. Couple that with severe sleep deprivation, and massive guilt about not being able to exclusively breastfeed, and I was a total wreck. I was really lucky to have a great support system, including a super-involved husband. I have struggled with depression in the past, and the baby blues hit me really hard after my son was born. For me, having the support of my husband and family was vital to not developing PPD, and things have gotten much better. Kiddo is happily sitting on my lap as I’m typing this. The boyfriend is an idiot and needs to be there for her and their child and should skip the wedding. I hope he grows up and is able to be better father and partner than he is now.

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    • juliecatharine

      juliecatharine May 7, 2018, 12:23 pm

      Congratulations on your son! I’m glad things are better now.

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        Bree May 7, 2018, 12:59 pm

        Thanks 🙂 Btw, your comments to posts are always so spot-on.

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      Fyodor May 7, 2018, 1:10 pm

      The parenting-industrial complex puts a ridiculous amount of pressure on women to breastfeed despite there being no proven benefits. It’s nuts.

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        JD May 7, 2018, 4:14 pm

        No proven benefits? You must be joking.

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        Northern Star May 7, 2018, 5:04 pm

        Well, not paying for formula is a proven cost benefit…

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        SpaceySteph May 8, 2018, 9:40 am

        Fyodor is right. No statistically significant difference in wellbeing of children between breast and formula when socioeconomic factors are controlled for, according to this study. https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/03/04/is-breast-feeding-really-better/
        Women who are more wealthy are more likely to breastfeed, and (surprise!) kids who grow up in families with sufficient financial resources also do better, a confounding variable that most studies cannot factor out.

        As for cost/benefit, its easy to say “formula costs $X a week” but harder to say how much breastfeeding costs a week in order to compare. First of all, even SAHMs need a pump if they ever want to spend a couple hours away from their child, so those cost money (and some parts wear out and need replacement). Plus you have to feed mama more to make more milk, which also costs money. And there’s a time investment, which is hard to quantify, including lost productivity or having to stay late at work to make up pump times, etc.
        And finally, for myself and I think a lot of women, there is a negative impact on mental health. Literal crying over spilled milk. And because I was not a good producer for the pump, I basically never spent any fun time away from my child. I went to work, sure, but I turned down date nights and girls nights because I knew I’d have to pay it back in more ounces than I could make and I do think my emotional well-being was negatively impacted by feeling chained to my pump and my baby and constantly measuring my self worth in how many ounces I could squeeze out.

        So, yeah, breastfeeding is great but its also not that great.

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      • Portia

        Portia May 8, 2018, 11:12 am

        Yeah, there are two options and what works best is different for everyone. Some only have one option (like adoptive parents and those who cannot breastfeed). Then there are different costs inherent in both. The cost of formula is easier to point to because one is literally purchased off a shelf while the other takes time out of someone’s day. Pumping or breastfeeding directly is solely on the woman’s shoulders and there is a cost to that. Saying that milk is free would ignore the unpaid labor inherent in breastfeeding, beyond the lost wages or other opportunity costs. And of course there’s the cost of the equipment, specialized clothing, etc.

        Fed is best.

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        Fyodor May 9, 2018, 12:35 pm

        @JD, I am not joking. No benefits.

        If people want to breastfeed, more power to them. I understand and respect that it’s a deeply elemental form of mother/child bonding.

        But there’s no medical justification to pressure mothers over this issue as much as they do . It’s something that basically starts as soon as the kid is out and doesn’t relent. There’s this massive flood of unsupported pseudoscience heaped on new mothers by doulas and “lactation consultants” with no medical training or scientific expertise. It’s a legitimate outrage that Brise, in the middle of all the other shit that new mothers have to deal with should be made to feel miserable over something that’s basically irrelevant.

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    • juliecatharine

      Juliecatharine May 7, 2018, 4:49 pm

      There are certainly benefits to breastfeeding but ultimately, fed is best. It drives me crazy that some women torture themselves over something they may have zero control of.

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  • avatar

    Anonymous May 7, 2018, 11:55 am

    LW I agree with lots of people on here and with @Kay about getting a medical professional involved with the reality of birth and a newborn. I think your partner needs to hold off on any trips until you and baby are fine. He also needs to get adjusted to having a baby too. I personally would be upset if my husband did this too me. Your bringimg life into this world and its his legacy off spring. How exciting and scary at the same time. Congratulations by the way. I can understand about worrying about your physical attraction after birth and how self conscious you are. I think a lot women go through that. A real man will see the beauty in this, reassure you that you are beautiful(because women do need the reassurance) , and support his family in any way possible.

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      Mom to be May 8, 2018, 6:33 pm

      Thank you!! xoxo I commented at the top more my situation…. I am so glad I found Wendy’s website. 🙂

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  • avatar

    SpaceySteph May 7, 2018, 12:08 pm

    My husband and I were in nearly this exact situation. His cousin got married in Mexico on April 30th of last year, my due date was April 8th. I knew I wasn’t going but he really wanted to go and we thought really hard about how to make it work. Since it was our first kid we didn’t really know what to expect but eventually decided it was probably a bad idea and he didn’t go. In retrospect we were both glad he didn’t. So yeah, I agree 100% that he shouldn’t go, (although I don’t think its a huge red flag that he wants to, because I don’t think you fully get it til it happens).

    But goodness gracious, 90% of your letter is about your insecurity that your boyfriend, father of your child, will cheat on his 2 week postpartum girlfriend because a girl in a bikini happens to be nearby. What is he, a Venus fly trap?! If he is going to cheat, he doesn’t have to go to a Carribean island and wait for a bikini lady to wander into his open… mouth. If he really is this untrustworthy, he’s almost certainly cheating on you already and it has nothing to do with you being pregnant or overweight or anything else.

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  • avatar

    brise May 7, 2018, 2:08 pm

    Yes, it is unrealistic of your BF to want to go away at such a period in a parents’ life. He is in denial. A week-end perhaps, but a week? He has to check his priorities.
    You are allowed to be positive and not negative about this issue. Say: I will need you, I want you by my side, we do these first weeks or parenting together. Don’t freak about your body or whatever. Enjoy those beautiful moments. Believe me, you will live the most beautiful months in your life, and it is great if you can experience them with your partner, as a family unit. It is important for you all. The hell with this wedding, it is not important. You can go later, the three of you, visit this friend and her husband when the baby is a bit bigger. You can very well travel with a baby after three months (in a Western country, I have no idea about vaccines in a country at medical risk). Really, don’t envision your maternity in such a somber perspective. Enjoy! See the beauty in it. Don’t panic about your body. Anyway, after 40, women have to struggle about their figure. You can regain your figure with some hard work. But above all, appreciate these beautiful moments of reciprocal discovery, and introduce your partner in such a mood. The end with the bachelor life.

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  • avatar

    Kate May 7, 2018, 2:32 pm

    I frankly don’t get what the boyfriend is thinking. Even if this were his bff getting married, I feel like anyone who’s having a destination wedding GETS that having a newborn baby would preclude a guest from coming. A couple, in this case. No way would anyone expect the new Dad to make the trip and leave his spouse at home with a 3-week old infant. You’d just shrug and be like, guess Jane and John aren’t making it. Right? Am I on crack? I had a destination wedding. I’ve been to a bunch. I’ve seen friend after friend have kids. The notion of him going to this thing in another country is ridiculous.

    WWS.

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    • avatar

      Kate May 7, 2018, 2:52 pm

      Also: A week??? Most people flew into my destination (Mexico, the opposite coast) on the Thursday or Friday and left on Sunday. Some stayed til Monday. Nobody was there for a week. Same for me with the ones I’ve been to: long weekend. What’s up with wanting to go for an entire week?

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        Mom to be May 8, 2018, 6:33 pm

        That’s what I said!! They have several events and excursions planned….

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    convexexed May 7, 2018, 6:46 pm

    1. If it would be inappropriate or questionable for a new mom to do, it’s inappropriate and questionable for a new dad to do. Think a mom shouldn’t leave her days-old newborn across the ocean for a week? Neither should a dad. If nothing but an emergency should tear mom away that soon, the same goes for dad. No double standards, a parent is a parent, and in those first few weeks, provided you are ABLE to (if you don’t have leave from work, or another extenuating circumstance, that’s different) you need to be bonding with baby and sharing the workload.

    2. I don’t think this boyfriend is anticipating how awkward this will be in conversation at the wedding. ‘Oh, you just had a new baby? Um….why are you here?’ ‘Wasn’t it hard to leave your newborn?’ ‘You left your wife alone right after she came home from the hospital?’ ‘Weren’t you worried something would happen?’ ‘Man, I would’ve killed to be able to stay home with my wife after she had her baby, but I didn’t have paternity leave,’ etc. Not a good look.

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    • avatar

      Kate May 7, 2018, 7:10 pm

      For a WEEK!

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      Mom to be May 8, 2018, 6:35 pm

      I love your way of thinking….SO TRUE!! thanks….I commented near the top of the thread with more of my situation…I really love all of the thoughts and advice on this…

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark May 7, 2018, 7:12 pm

    I suspect this baby was less than planned….

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      Ron May 7, 2018, 7:41 pm

      More likely half planned. The bf just doesn’t seem all that into this relationship or the kid. It’s not the wedding of a super-close person even. If he were really into LW/being a father he would stay home. At best he wants a last blow out. At worst, he wants to think about his future and whom he wants to spend it with while engaging in said blowout. Blow out may be just drinking and feeling single and unattached for the last time or it may include hitting on the single women at the wedding.

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  • Guy Friday

    Guy Friday May 7, 2018, 8:13 pm

    Holy mother of pearl, Batman! I’m no MRA by any means, but I think we need to stop projecting apathy toward the child on this guy and remember that this letter is being written by a LW who (a) has clinical depression, (b) has (is beginning to have? I don’t know how soon they start really being felt, so I don’t know how long the statement applies) the hormones associated with pregnancy, and (c) is already anticipating a nightmare scenario 8 months from now. I don’t think it’s bashing the LW to note that this may be a skewed viewpoint.

    So, a few things:

    1.) Yes, absolutely, he shouldn’t go to the wedding and leave you alone with the newborn, LW. But since I find it hard to believe he’s booked airline/hotel/etc. already, I wouldn’t worry about lost fees and this fight just yet.

    2.) Let me echo the people thus far who have noted that, particularly if this is his first child (and it sounds from how you’re talking about that it is, though I don’t know), guys are immensely dense about the depth to which having a child changes their lives. Really, both genders can be, but since guys don’t have to deal with the physical manifestation of it as quickly as women do it takes them a little longer to click. And any guy who’s never had a kid and says he knows? He doesn’t. Not really. Myself included. But I agree with everyone who has noted that I think you should talk to him about this not in “I fear X, Y, and Z,” but rather “I think it would be great if A, B, and C,” though, again, I suspect as this pregnancy becomes more REAL to him he’ll come to this realization himself long before he starts booking anything.

    3.) Regarding the many concerns you have about your body during-and-post-pregnancy and his desire to cheat on you: I can’t tell how much of this is gut suspicion talking vs. how much of this is depression/anxiety talking, so I don’t want to validate OR dismiss your concerns. But you DO realize that there are many men who find the mothers of their children even sexier because they are, you know, carrying and nurturing their child? When my wife gets pregnant someday, I promise you that the absolute LAST thing that’s going to cross my mind is “Man, she’s letting herself go.” I went down for the baptism of my nephew a few weeks ago when he was about 6 weeks old, and my sister-in-law basically begged me to drag her husband out of the house for an evening to get a beer and watch some basketball because he was driving her nuts waiting on her hand and foot (which, lest anyone thinks she’s being selfish, I can kind of see, because he was exhausting himself trying to do it!) So I wouldn’t rule that out for your boyfriend just yet.

    4.) Maybe I’m being over-sensitive here, but your comment that “I feel like he should be more considerate of my feelings and want to be there for me to comfort me and make me feel loved and beautiful and important after giving birth to our first child” rubbed me the wrong way. You can’t put that burden on him like that; it’s not fair. He should absolutely help you with the baby. He should absolutely NOT judge you for not looking like an airbrushed supermodel post-pregnancy. But he can’t MAKE you feel loved and beautiful and important; YOU have to feel that way. All he can do is love you and find you beautiful and show you that you are important to him, but you have to meet him halfway here, you know? If you don’t believe him when he says it, what good does it do?

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      Rava May 8, 2018, 6:26 am

      I agree with you so much on this. Jesus, ALL my friends who had kids said made dumb decisions beforehand out of naïveté (or plain old sticking the hand in the sand because the thought of having that baby was so overwhelming they needed to comfort themselves by pretending nothing much would change).

      We don’t even know if the LW has asked her BF yet! He might just say “Oh fuck, you’re right, I’m such an ass” when she asks him. Please stop putting thoughts into a woman’s head who’s in a fragile state of mind and of whose situation we don’t have the full picture.

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      • avatar

        Rava May 8, 2018, 6:27 am

        *who had kids, said
        *head in the sand (why a hand, Rava? Why?)

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      keyblade May 8, 2018, 10:17 am

      This is a well thought-out comment.

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      Mom to be May 8, 2018, 6:50 pm

      Hi!! I really like and appreciate your comment except for the last part:

      I can see why my comment rubbed you the wrong way: I think when typing; things do not always sound to the reader the way we anticipate as the writer…

      If he is in another country partying: he isn’t around to say it…And having gone through clinical depression (an actual chemical imbalance in my brain causing my serotonin levels to drop thus being UNABLE to feel happy on my own) that was triggered by an emotional event: I WILL need him to MAKE me feel those things by bringing me my serotonin re-uptake inhibitor when I am struggling to cope with all of the changes. YES I chose to be a mom knowing that I would most likely be feeling depressed during post par tum…I WILL get through it and be a wonderful mother. Dealing with a chemical imbalance in your brain is not easy on us or the people who love us: I am very open and honest with everyone in my life about what I am going through and what my needs are. I am also the FIRST one to be supportive of the needs of the people I care about including being a step mother figure to his older kids and supporting him through family issues with his mom. I can’t help it that I do not feel important to him or loved if he wants to leave for the Dominican Republic the the 3rd week of January when our baby is due the 29th of December.

      I expanded on my situation near the top of this thread…

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        SpaceySteph May 9, 2018, 12:10 pm

        Idk I mean if you mean “I need someone to bring me my pill” then I don’t see why the same person helping with the baby couldn’t do that, too.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark May 9, 2018, 12:18 pm

        Honestly? If you can’t even rely on yourself to take a fucking pill — how will you cope with non-stop baby demands in general?

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    Brise May 9, 2018, 8:21 am

    LW-Second post: I think you are on a good evolution with your boyfriend. I wouldn’t kick the fragile daughter and her boyfriend out of your house though, especially as you are having a baby together. The exclusion would be too obvious as a new family erasing the old balance. If you are having a blending family, then take it the way it is, boyfriend included – it will be only for a while anyway. But you can discuss with them all how they will contribute to the household, chores, and so on, because you will be busy with the baby. The BF can also pay some bills if he has an income. Anyway, all what you say – in so much detail, not necessary – doesn’t justify your anxiety and distrust about your partner. If you are not able to put the past in the past, then don’t date. Being partners means being able to go forwards, not pointing out old hurts again and again, for ever. This is a basic rule for any social relationship anyway.

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    Mom to be May 9, 2018, 11:29 am

    Wow! All of the people that are adamant about him getting a paternity test has totally surprised me. I’m wondering what i said that gives the impression I would have chested? And if the comments are meant to say that maybe I secretly got IVF without him knowing: that would not be logical….There is thousands of dollars worth of medications that have to be refrigerated, estrogen patches on the body and multiple visits to the IVF doctor and testing. There is no way I would have done that without him noticing. Nor would I want to! I love my boyfriend and have wanted to be a family with him since we fell in love. I thought that he did too. When I first suggested IVF; he told me that it was against his religious beliefs andthat if we got preganant naturally at an advanced maternal age that he would believe it was God’s Will. That’s why I was testing my ovulation and temperature. The fact that I am 42; most of my eggs are bad and will not become a viable embryo. The fact that one finally did right before I spent tens of thousands of dollars on IVF is a blessing and was not probable; it did happen that way and he IS hte father. I have never nor would i ever cheat on him!!

    Another thing for some of the comments; he did not have the daughters 22 year old boyfriend living with him the whole time. This guy just moved in and doesn’t contribute to the grocery shopping or even so much as paying towards the water bill. He is freeloading off of my boyfriend and my boyfriend is working in therapy on how to not enable irresponsibility in his daughter as a result of trying to overcompensate for her abuse in the past on her mom’s side. I am able to see clearly that this dynamic of the living situation is not healthy for any of us to have him move in with our family as we begin to blend. My BF was up front from the beginning of us dating that he told both kids they could live at home while in college and I have been totally supportive of that.

    Also: He has NOT said all along that he didn’t want more kids. He told me that he loved me, loved being a father and was definitely open to more kids if our relationship grew over the next year after we had a detailed discussion when things were first getting serious. For an entire year we fell in love more and more every day and I built relationships with his kids and was COMPLETELY taken by surprise when he changed his mind over a year in to the relationship. I believe he changed his mind because the symptoms of the abuse and trauma his kids went through when he got full custody; are starting to surface now. And I understand this which is why I was willing to do IVF and stay in the relationship with him although it wasn’t my favorite option. i wanted to compromise because I love him.

    Finally: those of you that are surpised by women ‘throwing themselves’ at an older guy and can’t believe he’s that good looking: He looks just like David Beckham; only a little bit taller, less wrinkles, more muscular and no tatoos. We will be getting dinner or stop for appetizers and drinks on the water while out boating and he will literally introduce me to girls he knows as his girlfriend or even “the love of my life” and they don’t care!! They will sometimes actually not even acknowledge that he said it and ignore me and drunkenly start hugging him and putting their arms around him and telling them how much they’ve missed him etc right in front of me as if I don’t exist and he will literally have to people them off of him. They go topless from boat to boat and when they see him they hop on my boat, want to stand 2 inches from him and rub his arm muscles asking him how he’s been and ‘let’s do shots.” It’s CONSTANT. He knows a lot of people and anytime we go out anywhere it happens at least once.

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      Vathena May 9, 2018, 1:03 pm

      He changed his mind from “sure, maybe we’ll have a child once we get to know each other better” to “nope” because your relationship actually lasted a year and he panicked, because he realized you were still serious about having a baby.

      His going to a destination wedding or not is not your biggest problem here. Your biggest problem is that you are in an unstable, on-again off-again relationship that is lacking a strong foundation of trust. (You say “he doesn’t handle stress well…sometimes people make mistakes” Babies and parenting are very stressful. If you don’t trust him not to bang any rando bicep-rubber to relieve his stress, then you don’t trust him, period.) You may love each other, but sometimes love isn’t enough. My advice would be to proceed with caution, DON’T move your bf and his entire family in with you (seriously, don’t, you are going to have your hands full with your own new baby and you don’t need to add 4 additional people to your household on top of that). Both of you should sign the birth certificate, and then you wait and see. See whether he steps up for you and for his new child. If you are really MFEO, then you will absolutely know that by the time your child is 1-2 years old, your bf’s daughter is self-sufficient, and your bf’s son is preparing to leave for college. That would probably be a better time to blend households.

      Also, if I’m doing the math right, you’re only about 7-8 weeks pregnant? Maybe he doesn’t want to tell everyone yet because that’s considered pretty early to be shouting it from the rooftops.

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    • Skyblossom

      Skyblossom May 9, 2018, 1:39 pm

      Nobody is thinking you cheated on him. We don’t think the relationship will last and you need a paternity test to prove that he is the father so that he will be legally required to pay child support. You know who the father is beyond a doubt but the world won’t be as certain and legally you need proof. If he signs the birth certificate, or does whatever happens in your country to assign paternity when you aren’t married, then you are set.

      All the women chasing him stokes his ego. He has encouraged this over the years or it wouldn’t be happening. The women act like they do because they don’t think a girlfriend matters in his life. If he wouldn’t have anything to do with them if they started rubbing his muscles in front of his girlfriend they would disappear. It always takes two in a situation like this. They have learned over the years that it is okay to ignore his current girlfriend.

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      dinoceros May 9, 2018, 5:01 pm

      I was one of the people who said I am surprised women are throwing themselves at him. If you read what I said, I never said that he must not be good looking. It’s just not typical for someone to have women throwing themselves at them. I mean, it’s not. If they do, fine, but I’ve never known anyone who had that happen to them unless they were a celebrity. Congrats, I guess.

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  • avatar

    Ron May 9, 2018, 12:14 pm

    Mom-to-be —
    Nobody is saying you cheated or had IVF secretly. They are saying that he seems not at all into fatherhood and likely to not take on his responsibilities. The paternity test is to be requested by you, to prove that he is the baby’s father, so that his name is listed on the birth certificate and you can collect child support when he leaves.

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  • avatar

    keyblade May 9, 2018, 1:12 pm

    This is exhausting.

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      keyblade May 9, 2018, 1:17 pm

      Letter writer, slow down. Of course you are anxious, you just found out you are expecting with a man who recently broke up with you because he didn’t want to father your child. Honestly, him wanting to take a trip isn’t even about him taking a trip. My guess is he does step up and father the baby but he ends up breaking up with you in the long run.

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    Bacon Mistress May 9, 2018, 1:19 pm

    Wendy IS PROBABLY RIGHT. But I think that sometimes, there are basic feelings and needs people have that may or not make sense when you talk it through rationally. That doesnt mean you are not feeling them and that they are necessarily out of line. If I just had a baby and my husband was thinking of going on an exotic trip with hot honeys and alcohol, etc. My first thought would be HELL TO THE NO! I just squashed OUR watermelon out of MY vagina and you are NOT going to paradise without me. Then I would think all of the things you laid out too. Then I would ask him how he would feel if he got fat and hormonal for 9 months, squished a watermelon out of his butt and then right after I wanted to leave him alone at home while I went and played drunk volleyball with oiled muscled hunks on the shores of Maui while he stayed home and changed poop diapers and cleaned up spit up. He would NOT BE DOWN.

    So yeah maybe at this time you are a tad insecure. YOU HAVE A RIGHT AND REASON TO BE! He needs to stay his ass home, help with the baby and be reminding you that he is your rock and how beautiful you are to him. It wasnt in the cards for him. He should get that.

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    • avatar

      Bittergaymaek May 9, 2018, 1:47 pm

      This guy already has had two watermelons. So he won’t be squashing any outta his butt. Though, thanks for that image..

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    anonymousse May 9, 2018, 2:18 pm

    He’s a playboy. He likes to party with mostly naked women. Of course he’s going to choose the party. I mean, that’s what this boils down to. People show you who they are, and he’s shown you many, many times before. He’s into the ego strokes of easy sex and fun.

    He might very well have love for you, but he didn’t want another child. He told you that. And now he’s also showing you that.

    The paternity test issue is so you can collect child support when the time comes.

    Gather your strength and get your support system in place.

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  • avatar

    keyblade May 9, 2018, 4:08 pm

    “Also: He has NOT said all along that he didn’t want more kids. He told me that he loved me, loved being a father and was definitely open to more kids if our relationship grew over the next year after we had a detailed discussion when things were first getting serious. ”

    Three years ago, before you “lost” a baby together he told you that. I’m not trying to be cruel, I just want you to be honest with yourself.

    “Last Summer as my 42nd bday was nearing: I brought up going off birth control and starting IVF (I was willing to completely cover all costs involved). He told me that he was willing to ‘not prevent” but did not want to actively seek medical help getting pregnant.”

    “As months went by: depression”
    “I told him that I was too old to let chance continue being our way of getting pregnant and I would resent him if I went in to early menopause without trying IVF. He admitted to me that he changed his mind about having a baby and was happy with the 2 kids he has and did not want to start over.”

    “We broke up the first week of January and I decided to start IVF on my own.”

    “In February 2018, we had a conference in Los Angeles and we got back together. I missed him terribly and I love him. He says he missed me terribly and loves me. He told me that if I really wanted to be a mother: he would support me getting IVF and be with me: he just didn’t want to be a father again.”

    “He hasn’t told his kids yet and doesn’t want to tell anyone: I of course want to shout it from the roof tops that I’m FINALLY pregnant again after 3 years. He told me that he loves me and wants us to be a blended family.”

    He hasn’t had much time to process what being a father is going to mean to him, yet. Your relationship hasn’t been solid for the last year. Maybe he does love you, but resentment can change things, you’re aware of this.

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      keyblade May 9, 2018, 4:16 pm

      “I feel that the reason he changed his mind about having kids with me is because……”

      It’s an issue that you are inserting an explanation here and acting on it as though it’s gospel truth. He may want to not take on that responsibility with you. Maybe he truly didn’t desire to play “superdad” again. After three years you two don’t live with each other and his daughter is possessive. He may be hoping this pregnancy isn’t viable or that you will terminate if you have a child with down syndrome.

      Again, I’m a stranger on the internet and it isn’t my intention to be cruel but you have a baby on the way and perhaps you need to look at this whole thing with fresh eyes.

      I doubt he will actually go on a vacation if you have a baby if for no other reason than it would be embarrassing to be off water-skiing with a bunch of mutual “friends”. I think deep down you know that and your trying to push him into accepting the reality of the situation and being happy about it for you. He may not be ready, yet.

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        keyblade May 9, 2018, 4:28 pm

        *sorry, the daughter isn’t possessive. rather…

        “My BF was up front from the beginning of us dating that he told both kids they could live at home while in college and I have been totally supportive of that. “

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        keyblade May 9, 2018, 4:37 pm

        And you aren’t insecure about cheating because hot women in bikinis exist and he looks like David Hasselhoff. It’s an insecurity you’ve carried from the beginning when he originally pursued someone else. You broke up for a month and he easily could get other women. You aren’t secure because you may not be in a relationship where your partner is ultimately happy with you. He may be a better father than he is romantic partner. I couldn’t say. You sound like you wanted different things.

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