Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“My Boyfriend Was Accused of Rape and I’m Afraid to Ask Him About It”

I have been with my boyfriend, “Chris,” since December of 2017. I’ve always felt some distance between us because there are parts of his personal life I’m not involved in and, since I’m not an intrusive person, I don’t like to push him to tell me. At first, I thought that, over time, he would share more, but he hasn’t. A few months ago I called things off because we had been doing long-distance without any clear time as to when we’d be together again. Recently, we found a way that we could be together and decided to rekindle things; however, before we do, I want to resolve our issues.

As I said, Chris has always been relatively private. I know that his brother and friends openly drink, smoke, do drugs and just generally do crazy things for entertainment. I never knew how much Chris was involved in, but his brother and friends recently told me that he actually is the provider of drinks and smokes, even though he has never admitted to me that he drinks or smokes. I wonder if he is afraid of my judgement, even though I have made it clear numerous times that I need honesty. Finally, when I started sharing some of my past experiences with drinking, he started sharing a bit of his history, too. I appreciated his honesty, but since he had waited until I did so to admit the behavior, that verified for me that he was neglecting to talk about things because of fear of my judgment. It made me wonder what else falls into this category and whether he’s lied about any other behavior of his. For example, he maintains he was a virgin our first time together, but now I question whether that was true.

About a year after we started dating, he went dark to everyone including me. He pretended nothing was wrong and refused to talk much. I found out through a colleague that his ex-girlfriend had accused him of rape. At this point I put down my foot and forced him to talk to me. It turns out that he went dark because his lawyer asked him to and that he wasn’t even supposed to be talking to me. Normally, if it were any other person in the world accused of rape, I would have asked questions, but Chris is the gentlest, kindest, most loving and most sensitive person I’ve ever known, and I know he is not the type of person to sexually assault anyone. I’ve been sexually assaulted myself and know the type who would do something like that. It’s not someone like Chris, who asked my permission for even the slightest touch and who was so nervous the first time we kissed that he was practically convulsing. He was the first person I was able to be confident enough with that I could overcome my own sexual anxiety that had persisted for years after my own abuse; so, without another question, I consoled him when he told me about the rape allegation.

Now, well after the entire case has been dismissed, after everyone he knew defended him, and after he suffered no social repercussions, he is still fearful of the entire incident. He has taken up beliefs and gone as far as to say things like “#himtoo.” I thought he would get past this once he began to heal, especially knowing my story and what had been done to me, but he hasn’t, and I can’t help but start to wonder why. Did I dismiss things too quickly? Should I have asked questions? I don’t think he raped anyone, but perhaps something happened in a gray area that his ex exaggerated? Is that what he is afraid of?

I never did get the whole story of what the ex claimed happened, and I can’t ask Chris or his family because it’s hurtful to them and there’s too much bias there. I have considered going to the ex, but I don’t know if she would bother with me. One of the theories I have is that she was jealous of me — I was the girl that replaced her, plus I’m respected more than she is socially — so she fabricated the whole thing. My own story is decently known and I have been given labels by peers such as feminist or liberal — undeserved, I think — so her accusation would be sensible if she hoped to get my attention and motivate me to break up with Chris. It wouldn’t be wise to go to her if this were true, so I’m left with no options.

I only want to know how I can move forward with Chris and feel confident in our relationship without questioning everything. I know my imagination likely runs away with me more than it should, but I struggle to believe him, even if he gives direct answers, because he’s so vague. How do I get satisfactory answers to these questions from somebody who doesn’t want to talk about the truth? — Needing Satisfactory Answers

This is what we call the perpetuation of rape culture. When a man can be accused of rape — credibly enough to need a lawyer — and he isn’t held accountable at all, when he isn’t even questioned about it by the woman he’s dating — a woman who has been sexually assaulted herself — despite never being transparent with her about anything at all, and never opening up about his personal life and habits and behavior: that is the perpetuation of rape culture. Letting a man off the hook without even saying, “Hey, why do you think your ex would say something like this about you?” is the perpetuation of rape culture.

When you neglect to ask your boyfriend even a single question about his rape allegation, you’re giving yet another man another free pass to treat a woman’s body however he wants without even the tiniest repercussion. And then you justify your silence by claiming that you wouldn’t get a “satisfactory answer” (i.e. the truth?) anyway so why bother asking. Even though getting the truth is dependent on getting it from someone else because Chris has never told you the whole truth about anything and you don’t really trust him, you’re still in a place that you think having a transparent and honest relationship with him is possible? THAT is rape culture! Ignoring common sense and all evidence screaming in your face that your boyfriend isn’t an innocent Boy Scout is rape culture. Blaming the alleged victim for falsely accusing your boyfriend of rape in an effort to break up your relationship because she’s jealous of you, without even asking your boyfriend a single question about her and about why she might be accusing him of such a thing, is rape culture. Excusing a man from committing rape who has never opened up to you about anything in his life at all because he was nervous the first time he kissed you is rape culture.

A man can be shy and nervous with you and still be capable of rape. A man can treat you like a queen and still be capable of treating another woman like dirt. A man can have committed rape at some point in his life and then go on to treat future women in his life — including a wife and daughters — with love and kindness and respect, but that doesn’t mean the rape never happened. A man can rape once and learn from his mistake and spend the rest of his life redeeming himself and doing good in the world and contributing to society in a meaningful way and none of that erases the worst thing that he’s done, a rape he once committed. And while judging someone’s whole life by his worst act or acts isn’t fair, rapists need to be held accountable if for no other reason than to change our culture and stop excusing rapists from raping! Men who are accused of rape need to be questioned. They need to answer for their behavior. We need to stop letting them off the hook. We need to stop fucking blaming their accusers of lying or exaggerating because every time we dismiss a woman’s narrative, we convince another woman to stay silent for fear that she’ll be called a liar, too.

LW, as someone who was sexually assaulted, surely you understand better than most how important it is that we change the culture we live in – that we stop making it so safe for rapists to get away with raping. Well, we change the culture by changing our own behavior in it. It’s not always going to be easy or feel good to change our behavior. Questioning people we love can feel uncomfortable and awkward, I get it. But you say you want to move forward, and the only way you’re going to do that is to move out of your comfort zone. Ask the painful questions. And quit rejecting the truth when you hear it – and, most of all, when you don’t.

***************
Follow along on Facebook,  and Instagram
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

57 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Buttery February 10, 2020, 11:07 am

    I mean…definitely seems like you may not be asking questions because you don’t want to hear the actual truth.
    That aside – some of the things you’ve said/the way you phrase things makes me wonder if you ever got counseling after your assault. You seem like one of those women who feel like they’re not entitled to…asking questions? Feeling comfortable in a relationship? Not entitled to a “full”relationship?
    And the red flags start at the beginning of your letter: “I’ve always felt some distance between us because there are the parts of his personal life I’m not involved in and since I’m not an intrusive person, I don’t like to push him to tell me. At first, I thought over time he would share more, but he hasn’t” – are you not a part of his “personal life”? His personal life doesn’t include you? For the record: that’s weird!
    In short – I think you need to figure out YOUR whole deal in life and stop worrying about this dude. Your letter reminds me of those shows where someone is like, “Oh I didn’t know the man I love and live with has been a serial killer for the past 20 year – there were some weird things but I didn’t want to ASK” *eyeroll

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom February 10, 2020, 11:31 am

    You have the shell of a relationship. From the outside it may look like a relationship but on the inside there is nothing. The two of you don’t connect enough on an emotional level. A relationship develops by sharing. If you hit the two year mark and can’t ask him serious questions and don’t know what happens in his private life you don’t have much of any real relationship. At two years in you should have a deep knowledge of who he is and what he does but you don’t. His unwillingness to be open with you will keep the two of you from ever having a deep connection. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable to form a deep connection and he isn’t letting you in.

    You think that if you just knew whether he raped his ex you would know whether to get back together or not. Even if you knew the answer was no you still wouldn’t have any real emotional connection. The intimacy in your relationship sounds like it is all physical without managing to be emotional. You don’t turn to each other with your deepest thoughts, hopes, fears or past events. There is no future for you in this relationship. The emotional intimacy will never be there.

    Accept that you will never know for sure about him raping her. Make a decision based on the fact that the longer you know him the less you trust him. I doubt that will turn around. Accept that he seems to have hidden parts of himself from you if he thought you wouldn’t approve. He has wanted you to make a decision about being with him without letting you know who he really is. That won’t change. That’s how he approaches relationships. If you stay with him you can look forward to years of his secrets slowly coming out. What a waste of your years.

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  • avatar

    LisforLeslie February 10, 2020, 11:33 am

    You want honesty but you don’t pry. You find out pieces of information – like he supplies the alcohol and drugs even though to you he projects a very different image.

    So I can understand why you’re having issues with someone who is clearly NOT transparent about who he is.

    Whether he did or didn’t – I have no information to share with you. However, there are plenty of instances of serial rapists/murderers who had wives and families. In those cases, men created perfectly normal lives. They were loving to their families. And as an outlet for their urges, demons, psychopathy, whatever you want to call it, they would brutalize women.

    You sound like you’re trying to sell (yourself) this idea that men who treat one woman with care treat all women with care – and that’s not the case.

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  • avatar

    Essie February 10, 2020, 11:34 am

    Wendy covered the rape issue really well. I’m going to talk about the (wildly dysfunctional) relationship itself. Even if there had never been a rape accusation, you have such an oddly superficial, arm’s length relationship. And you’re so completely passive, as if you don’t have the right to ask ANY questions about your long-term partner’s habits, likes and dislikes, and what he does when you’re not together.

    After two years, you don’t even know his drinking habits? Seriously?

    All that business about “oh, he’s afraid to tell me” is a very nice fairy tale you’re telling yourself. You have a fantasy vision of him and the relationship that you’re afraid to disturb by having deep conversations – the kind that every healthy couple has. And living in this fantasy world, you’ve convinced yourself that his weird secretiveness is somehow a sign of his deep love for you, that he fears losing.

    Despite being together for over two years, you don’t really know him. Because you’re afraid to, and you prefer the illusion that you have in your head.

    I think some time with a therapist would benefit you, because I don’t see how you can have a healthy relationship when you’re so afraid and so passive. Not just with this guy, but with anyone.

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    • avatar

      Essie February 10, 2020, 11:46 am

      Also, asking basic questions isn’t “intrusive.” I’m not talking about interrogating him about how much he drinks or what he smokes. I mean basic getting-to-know-you conversations that couples have because they want to share their lives.

      Did you not have these conversations because he didn’t want to, or because you were afraid you might hear something that would be a dealbreaker?

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  • avatar

    Sachiko Roxanne February 10, 2020, 11:47 am

    Hey LW guess what? Nervous and shaky men absolutely commit sexual assault – assailants aren’t all loud, bro-y jocks. You’re assuming a LOT about this woman you’ve never met but you’re afraid to ask your boyfriend questions about whatever he’s done? And you still don’t know his drinking habits after 2 years?

    If he’s as gentle and kind and lovely as you claim, he can have difficult conversations. So why don’t you talk to him about this?

    Wendy’s answer is perfect but as a survivor of sexual assault by a “shy” and “sweet” guy that would “never do such at thing” this letter frustrates me.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark February 10, 2020, 11:47 am

    Yeah, the rape thing is all too murky and too vague for me to wade into… but this union already a mess of red flags. You need some counseling and reframe what you expect out of a relationship. You clearly DESERVE BETTER.

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  • Skyblossom

    Skyblossom February 10, 2020, 11:48 am

    Instead of considering him a very private person you need to start thinking of him as a secretive person. There is a huge difference.

    You can assume that if he keeps his private life hidden from you it’s because he thinks you won’t like or accept it. His secretiveness is his red flag to you that he hides the bad parts of his life because knows you would be gone if you knew the real him. If he won’t let you see the real him take his actions as the sign that you won’t like the real him.

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  • avatar

    Oracle February 10, 2020, 11:52 am

    Talk about burning red flags. Maybe you have been reading to many romance novels. The boyfriend is the very least a drug dealer/drugie. No wonder he will not tell you things. Really, aim higher.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse February 10, 2020, 11:52 am

    This is a man who doesn’t share anything with you. He has successfully compartmentalized you to stay in your quiet subservient girlfriend role where you believe he is sober and doesn’t smoke or do drugs like his best friends, although he supplies them with their party needs.

    That “type of man” can be nice and empty to you and also capable of darker deeds. That’s clear.

    While we can only speculate what happened, do you know how horrible the process is for the accuser? Most women don’t ever report a crime because of that. False accusations are a tiny percentage of accusations. Just because the case was dismissed does not mean he is innocent. She could have dropped the charges.

    How can you call yourself a feminist, while victim blaming and believing him without any conversation about it? Shame on you.

    And FFS, want more for yourself. Why would you settle for this nothing relationship where you hardly know this man? That is not him treating you as an equal partner. You fulfill a role in his life.

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    • avatar

      anonymousse February 10, 2020, 11:54 am

      *By crime I meant sexual assault and rape.

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    • avatar

      anonymousse February 10, 2020, 12:53 pm

      I misread the text, you are not a feminist. You are undeservedly called a liberal feminist by your peers.

      Being a victim of sexual assault or rape has zero to do with your personal beliefs or politics.

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      • avatar

        em February 10, 2020, 1:27 pm

        I had to go back and reread that part, too. “plus I’m respected more than she is socially — so she fabricated the whole thing. My own story is decently known and I have been given labels by peers such as feminist or liberal — undeserved, I think — so her accusation would be sensible if she hoped to get my attention and motivate me to break up with Chris.” Gross.

        I get the sense that LW is part of a socially privileged group and maybe shares the same conservative religion or background as Chris, which the ex does not. That could also explain why Chris has treated LW with respect but not the ex, particularly since they all seem to be part of the same social circle/community.

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      • avatar

        Ange February 10, 2020, 3:48 pm

        I especially enjoy where LW says that the victim is obviously lying because she’s not as socially respected. What a slippery way of insinuating the other woman is a skank and therefore must be lying. Well I must say LW as terrible as you think this other woman is she at least knows your boyfriend better than you do.

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  • avatar

    em February 10, 2020, 12:07 pm

    Wendy hit the nail on the head with her reply. I was appalled at reading this letter. Also, aren’t the court documents public?

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    • avatar

      anonymousse February 10, 2020, 12:54 pm

      I’m sure there is a lot of readily available information about her bf that she disregards or turns a blind eye to.

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    • avatar

      Fyodor February 10, 2020, 1:08 pm

      When she says the case was dismissed, she may be using it colloquially, rather than to refer to an actual court indictment that was dismissed.

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    • avatar

      Ruby Tuesday February 10, 2020, 6:32 pm

      Courts may also seal certain records for a variety of reasons. Regardless, if he was formally charged with a crime, that information will be publicly available on the court docket and you should be able to access that information through the court or county’s website.

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  • avatar

    golfer.gal February 10, 2020, 12:11 pm

    Oh dear. Ok. So statistics show that women lie about rape about as often as people lie about other crimes for gain (robbery, insurance), meaning the chances your boyfriend’s ex is telling the truth about him raping her are between 92-98%. Bolstering this is the fact that they actually got to the stage where he was charged and needed a lawyer. I’m not sure if you know how rare that is. Especially in the instance where there was a known, consensual relationship. That the prosecutor and police had enough to bring charges in that case is…significant. Getting charges brought under the “best” circumstances (immediate reporting and rape kit with lots of physical trauma, dna, evidence of an abduction, etc.) is, frankly, really rare. Let alone getting that far in the case of a significant other. The fact that it was dismissed doesn’t mean a lot, that happens most of the time and isn’t an indicator she was lying. Also, are you sure it was dismissed? Are you sure he didn’t plea to a lesser charge or a deal? Do you think he would tell you if he did?

    I’m not sure if you’ve ever had a rape kit, but it is not something to take lightly. It’s not your annual gyno exam. It’s very, very painful, humiliating, and violating. Women don’t generally undergo one, along with hours of questioning from often skeptical police, plus the huge risk of social consequences- being called a liar, facing outright threats, losing friends, just to get back at an ex or to get their ex’s current SO to dump them. That’s just…that’s not a thing. My husband’s ex girlfriend was very jealous when we started dating. You know what she did? She had some guy she knew call him and claim he was already dating me in the hope hubby would believe it and dump me. She tried to entice him with sexy emails (he immediately blocked her) and then used a friends phone to fake an “emergency” with her son (not his kid but he cared a lot for the little boy) hoping he’d come running. Did anything like that happen with this woman? Anything at all? Women dont just skip right to “false rape claim” in the attempt to get back an ex. Like, wtf.

    Have you thought, at all, about how traumatic it will be for his ex to have you reach out to her and…what, exactly? Ask her if she’s lying? Demand she recount the circumstances of her rape to you, a total stranger? Having her rapists girlfriend reach out is likely going to be really upsetting and scary for her. Please don’t do that. As a fellow assault victim please dont put her through that. The reality is your boyfriend lies and keeps secrets and you’ve known this all along. Please move on from this guy before you see who he really is for yourself.

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  • avatar

    George Fayne February 10, 2020, 12:39 pm

    “Her accusation would be sensible if she hoped to get my attention and motivate me to break up with Chris.”

    WHAT ON EARTH, have you thought this through at all? You think this woman would do everything involved in an accusation of sexual assault — from police interrogation to testifying in a court of law — in the hopes you would break up with this guy? For… what purpose? Obviously he wouldn’t get back together with her if this ploy worked so this would be done… just out of spite? You are truly hearing hoofbeats and looking for zebras.

    Also: “I know he is not the type of person to sexually assault anyone. I’ve been sexually assaulted myself and know the type who would do something like that. ” Honestly, this makes me fear for your personal safety in terms of future sexual assault. You cannot know the type of person who would sexually assault someone. There is no type.

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    • avatar

      anonymousse February 10, 2020, 12:55 pm

      Ted Bundy was handsome, educated and charming.

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    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark February 10, 2020, 1:36 pm

      Yeah, it’s pretty big reach that this is all some big lie concocted by the vengeful ex to destroy the LW’s fabulous relationship…

      Not. Very. Likely.

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  • avatar

    Anonymous February 10, 2020, 12:42 pm

    You know the truth. You wrote to Wendy hoping she would tell you something to quiet the sick, sinking feeling in your gut.
    You need to get away from him. Do it publicly and then don’t let him near you.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse February 10, 2020, 12:51 pm

    It’s alarming that you’d even entertain the idea of going to her instead of even asking your bf first. You know next to nothing about the incident, the charges, the entire case and you have “theories.” Theories that involve her fabricating a crime and somehow convincing police to bring charges against him…to convince you “not a liberal or feminist” to break up with him. You honestly think that is what women do? Concoct rape stories to get back their man? What!?!?

    Please, take off the blinders and see what type of relationship you are in. You don’t even know his drinking habits after two years. Ignorance is not always bliss.

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  • avatar

    Soffft February 10, 2020, 1:55 pm

    Well I do agree with the LW about something: “…I have been given labels by peers such as feminist or liberal — undeserved, I think…”
    I am usually a strong believer that no one should gate-keep who is and who isn’t a feminist but dear Lord you, LW, are not.

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  • avatar

    Lurker February 10, 2020, 2:00 pm

    I’m honestly shocked the LW hasn’t been crucified in the comments yet. I have never (and I mean NEVER) been so pissed off by a letter on here. This made my blood boil. All the responses so far have been spot on. As far as the relationship, this is not a relationship. Not even close. You clearly do not have any idea what a healthy relationship looks like, and you are not now, nor have you ever been, in a relationship with this man. So let this one go and pursue therapy stat. So that’s that.

    Now on to the nonsense that is the rest of your letter. WTF is wrong with you? Who do you think you are? Seriously. You think this woman put herself through filing a complaint, a rape kit, and legal proceedings to make you jealous. Are you insane? I may be a little bit triggered by this because I’ve been having arguments over Kobe being hailed as a saint when the evidence is overwhelming that he was a rapist but really? This particular line got me:

    “One of the theories I have is that she was jealous of me — I was the girl that replaced her, plus I’m respected more than she is socially — so she fabricated the whole thing. My own story is decently known and I have been given labels by peers such as feminist or liberal — undeserved, I think — so her accusation would be sensible if she hoped to get my attention and motivate me to break up with Chris”

    For one, you are very right – you do not deserve to be called a feminist or a label because my dear, you are neither. You are also coming off as incredibly condescending and victim blaming. The vast majority of rapes are never reported and of the ones that are, very few are taken to trial. The charges being dismissed means nothing. It is very difficult to prove but the fact that he was ever charged is all you need to know.

    I don’t know what type of community you live in, and while I’m so glad for you that you are more “respected socially” than this other woman, you are in no position to judge this other woman. And don’t you dare go talk to her – I repeat, what is wrong with you!? She does not owe you anything, especially her story about the trauma she experienced (dealing with the criminal justice system alone is traumatic). I have truly never been more appalled by an LW. Despite how much you seem to think of yourself based on the tone of this letter, I suspect you have some major self-esteem issues. Get yourself to a therapist and try to support other women instead of contributing to our disgusting rape culture. APPALLED

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    • avatar

      Kate February 10, 2020, 4:55 pm

      Yeah, that stuff about “respected socially” and “I’m not a feminist” didn’t sink in for me before, but the implications are very upsetting.

      I do think she has some really fucked up and toxic thinking, but I don’t want to call her a piece of shit because I feel like she’ll just be “attacked” and not listen.

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    • avatar

      Bittergaymark February 10, 2020, 5:08 pm

      The Kobe rape amnesia has left me baffled. I recall that fiasco all too well. PS — the case against him was VERY DAMNING. But suddenly, one stupid, entitled, dammit-i’m-flying-when-everybody-else-is-grounded helicopter crash later and he’s a fucking saint.

      It’s fucking gross. Talk about perpetuating rape culture…

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      • avatar

        Lurker February 13, 2020, 9:26 am

        OMG I know! What is wrong with people? I saw people sharing his quotes on having a good marriage on IG (I don’t give a f*ck what an admitted cheater and likely rapist thinks constitutes a good marriage) and photos of him with a halo over his head. And then anyone who had the nerve to remind the public that he was not a saint was vilified. I hate people.

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  • avatar

    Lurker February 10, 2020, 2:03 pm

    liberal* not label

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  • avatar

    pants February 10, 2020, 2:04 pm

    There are so so many red flags here. Walk.. no run.. away from this relationship and never look back. And I’m not even thinking about the rape allegation, I’m thinking about your complete inability to get even the most basic information out of this man. He’s not private, he’s hiding lots of things from you. Like someone else mentioned, it sounds like therapy would be a wonderful help to you. When the sting of reading all this feedback wears off, think about why you’ve been in a relationship with someone for two years that you didn’t feel you could ask the simplest of questions to. That says a lot.

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  • avatar

    Mrs. Danvers February 10, 2020, 2:26 pm

    I can’t understand why you would waste one more minute more on this guy. The relationship sounds very painful to you, and you have not stated on thing about him or the relationship that brings you joy. People have bad relationships because they choose to stay in them; choose to no longer be that person.

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  • avatar

    SubbyP February 10, 2020, 2:46 pm

    If this guy was innocent and respected you, he’d talk to you about what happened. If this guy was guilty and wanted to turn his life around, he’d talk to you about what happened. That he is not talking to you about this at all suggests that either a) he’s guilty as sin and he’s not interested in trying to be a better person or make amends in any way or b) he’s innocent but he doesn’t care about you or trust you. Either way, this guy is bad news.

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    • avatar

      Helen February 10, 2020, 4:37 pm

      The reason you don’t ask him any questions is because you don’t want to know the answers. You already know how sketchy this situation is and you’re burying your head in the sand

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  • avatar

    Kate February 10, 2020, 2:51 pm

    It’s been covered in a lot of detail already, but this is super fucked up. The odds are overwhelming that he raped this woman, and it’s very disturbing that you’re telling yourself he’s “not that kind of person” and that the accuser made this up to upset you. You sound traumatized and gaslighted and brainwashed. This is not what a decent, trustworthy guy looks like, let alone what a loving and supportive partner or a healthy relationship looks like. That you think this is acceptable is scary. The only thing to do here is break up and part ways.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse February 10, 2020, 2:59 pm

    The truth is, LW- you don’t know what type of person he is. He doesn’t share with you and you don’t ask.

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    • avatar

      anonymousse February 11, 2020, 10:11 am

      Actually you do know one fact- he lies when it suits him. Not that he’s even tried to defend this incident to you.

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  • avatar

    Fyodor February 10, 2020, 3:10 pm

    The fact that he’s lied to you about being a drug procurer for his friends and a virgin should also give you additional pause.

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    • CurlyQue

      CurlyQue February 10, 2020, 5:56 pm

      Also, why does she question and is unsure if things he told her are correct regarding meaningless things (i.e. virginity, etc.) but believes him 1000% on the rape charge?

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    • avatar

      dirtorsoil February 10, 2020, 6:43 pm

      This stuck out to me too and makes me think that they are both part of some fundamentalist religion with all the focus on social status and reputation, and frankly, social castes. So if that is the case, lying about being a virgin is par for the course. She also sounds really naive like she is used to being told things and just accepting them, never questioning. Someone else made the point that her BF may be an addict. You know who lies about drug use? Addicts do, like they breathe. If you stay with this dude be prepared to be rocked by many many nasty secrets. FWIW- most rapists don’t rape once. They might be caught once. And agreed, your contorted attempts to reason out why he is _not_ a rapist by concocting elaborate plot lines that would be at home in a lifetime movie, is beyond repulsive. You have literally betrayed another woman live on this forum. Congrats, you are a POS.

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  • avatar

    Kalindria February 10, 2020, 6:11 pm

    Just an aside, being called a “feminist” and a “liberal” are compliments and good things in most educated parts of the country.

    Also, you sound young. Not that that’s a bad thing but the more people you meet, especially folks from different backgrounds, the better you’ll understand human nature.

    Finally, can you get the court documents? They should explain it all.

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    K February 10, 2020, 6:12 pm

    I disagree that the odds are overwhelming that he is a rapist. Whilst rape happens, women lying about it happens too. Speak to him, relationships don’t work if you both are not open and honest. Then you have the information and you can make your own mind up.

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      Kate February 11, 2020, 7:40 am

      It doesn’t matter if you disagree. You’re factually wrong about this. Not worth arguing about.

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    anonymousse February 10, 2020, 6:52 pm

    Believing men and women (and all people) are equal and should be treated as such is not an insult.

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    mellanthe February 10, 2020, 8:37 pm

    I’m not going to touch the rape allegations. False accusations are rare, but I can see how as a survivor of rape, LW would find it particularly painful and traumatic to believe these things about her BF. I can see why you really want to believe him. And it’s not your fault (or anything to do with you) if he did rape another woman. But he’s left you with a lot of unanswered questions, and it doesn’t look like you know a lot about him because he’s not sharing of himself with you. And these are a lot of red flags.

    Instead, I’m going to focus on the relationship, and her approach to everything else.
    You make it sound like it’s his fault for not telling you anything (and don’t get me wrong, not being honest is shady), but if you’re in a relationship, it’s also OK and normal and expected to ask things and start conversaitons as you get more intimate.

    Like, ‘how much do you drink and do you do drugs’ is a conversation many people have in the first few dates. It doesn’t necessarily sound like you have any reason to doubt his virginity story (unless the timeline of the rape allegation is before then). From your letter, I couldn’t make out if you asked him if he drinks and smokes, and he lied about it, or if you just kind of hinted and hoped he’d volunteer the informaiton, then got mad cos you want honesty. But if you want honesty, you also have to be prepared to ask the awkward questions. Life isn’t all hoping that people will admit everything ASAP without so much as setting up the right convo. Yes, he should be open and honest and volunteer things. However, you also need to be able to ask about things tht matter to you.

    You’ve been with him for a long time, but you also let him not be open about his life. Yeah, our partenrs have a right to privacy – we have to be careful if we’re bringing up a really sore topic – like when they were bullied at school, or when their parents split up, or that ex who abused them etc. But not about like, every life habit or detail. It sounds like he is using his persona as a ‘private’ person to avoid you asking about anything – he’s learned that if he doesn’t volunteer stuff then you just don’t ask and he can do what he likes without feeling bad about your response.

    People can be ‘private people’ – but that does not normally include being completely private from your significant other, to the point that they don’t know basic things about how you live or who you are! For example, there are many things I or my BF wouldn’t share with even close friends, but we share them with each other and discussed things a partner would want to know in advance. We are private people, but your SO should absolutely be in the innermost circle. It isn’t your fault for falling into this kind of pattern withh your BF – it sounds like he’s pretty evasive and deliberately doesn’t bring anything up or makes things awkward. And you’ve had traumatic experiences in the past that may have affected how you form relationships, and how much you feel you can ask for. I think therapy might help you to work on feeling that you deserve more than this. Because you do.

    But so does the woman who has probably been raped. so please reconsider your thoughts about her.

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    Anonymous February 10, 2020, 9:25 pm

    I mean no disrespect when I urge you to find a good therapist immediately. This isn’t about your boyfriend, it’s about the damage you’re doing to yourself and, if you contact her, another woman….about the person you choose to be, not the boyfriend you choose to have. Whatever you do, LW, you have absolutely no right to re-traumatize this woman by questioning or challenging her. She has no relationship with or obligation to you and to even think of violating her this way is so cruel, unnecessary and out of proportion it cries out for self-reflection and professional help. Until you begin to heal yourself, you will not be able to build a healthy relationship and you will hurt yourself and others.

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  • Buckley05

    K February 11, 2020, 2:05 am

    You have no relationship. He’s a liar and you continue to go along with it. You’ll be miserable if you continue to stay. Also Kate, it’s disgusting of you to say it’s overwhelming that this guy is a rapist. Yes some men rape women but some women lie. We women are all for equal rights, practice what you breach.

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      anonymousse February 11, 2020, 7:33 am

      Huh, what do you breach?

      So you choose to defend and believe a man’s story, secondhand from his gf, who doesn’t know his drinking habits, who was told by him that he was a virgin, who hasn’t even spoken about it at all with her bf? We know that this man lies.

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    • avatar

      Kate February 11, 2020, 7:38 am

      Are you drunk? The statistics are overwhelmingly in favor of rape accusations being true. Only a tiny percentage are ever fabricated. It happens, rarely. This guy most likely raped this woman.

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    K February 11, 2020, 3:28 am

    Why do my comments keep getting moderated and then deleted? I’m saying yes people get taped and yes people do lie about getting raped. It may be less often but it happens and can ruin people’s life’s. So pls do not say someone is overwhelming a rapist, it’s low and you don’t know the truth

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy February 11, 2020, 6:38 am

      You were posting at 3 am EST, and even internet comment moderators need sleep. Chill. I did delete your misogynistic “women need to stop falsely accusing men of rape, you’re committing libel” rant though. Ain’t no one got time for that.

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      • avatar

        Kate February 11, 2020, 7:41 am

        Libel, lmao.

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      golfer.gal February 11, 2020, 8:17 am

      I said this above but I’ll say it again here. Studies and data gathered from actual precincts show that a rape accusation is unfounded between 2% and 8% of the time. This does not necessarily even mean it is false. So the odds that this woman is telling the truth about her rape are 92-98%. If the odds were 92-98% that you would win millions of dollars in the lottery, would you play? I’d classify that high of a likelyhood as “overwhelming”.

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      • avatar

        Kate February 11, 2020, 9:37 am

        The FBI puts allegations proven false at 8%. So, you know, 92% odds of an accusation being true. Which to me is overwhelming.

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    muik-eek February 16, 2020, 4:44 pm

    how is she supposed to ask when atty instructed him not to dicuss it?

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    • avatar

      Kate February 17, 2020, 1:21 pm

      I’m not a lawyer, but it’s over now and charges were dropped, so I’m not sure that applies.

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