Here’s my real issue: My current boyfriend (48), lover, partner, however you want to describe him was also in a relationship when we began our affair. He has been dating a woman for six years who is sixteen years older than he and who happens to have lots of disposable income. She is basically his sugar mama. He admits that he’s never been in love with her, but he respects her and feels guilty and some kind of obligation to her because of all the “gifts” she showers him with. I should also mention that my lover went through a horrific divorce from the mother of his four children after finding out she was having an affair with my lover’s uncle. (The uncle’s wife was dying of cancer at the time to add insult to injury.) My lover never wanted the divorce and struggled for years to have any kind of relationship with women. He is a very attractive and charming man but doesn’t want a relationship unless it involves love and mutual respect. His sugar mama has known about me for at least six months but refuses to give up on the relationship.
He tells me he loves me and that he loves me as much as he loved his wife, maybe even more. He promises me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but he continues to accept gifts and go on “dates” with his sugar mama. He tells me to be patient, to let it work itself out, saying he feels too guilty to hurt her because she tells him how much she loves him. She has threatened to kill herself on more than one occasion. His family also tells me to be patient — that they know he and I will end up together and that eventually the sugar mama will go away.
I am torn to pieces by this and want this man all to myself. I understand his guilt; we are not talking small gifts here — she has purchased him property that he and his family live in, vehicles, clothes, trips, you name it she buys it for him. He swears that my waiting will not be in vain and that eventually he will end it, but he’s trying to figure out how to do it gracefully. I love this man and want to make this relationship work. I am not prepared at 47 to start “dating”; it’s not even on my mind. If only we would have met sooner!
I feel like this woman is preying on his vulnerability and has been from the beginning. He is a very soft-hearted guy and feels like his word is his bond. At one time he did promise her that he would never leave her for a younger woman. Meanwhile, I am a smart, attractive, reasonably level-headed woman with a good job and so far have done okay supporting myself. I love him and don’t want to give him up, but am I playing a losing hand? — Love sick in Texas
Yes, you are. You sound completely blinded to this guy’s many flaws because he’s attractive and charming and you’ve convinced yourself you’re some sort of star-crossed lovers who simply met at the wrong time. Meanwhile, this guy is playing you and his sugar mama. He’s got you convinced he’s a “soft-hearted” romantic who respects you and the woman who’s bankrolling his life in exchange for companionship and sex. Well, guess what? He doesn’t respect either of you. This is not what respect looks like. He’s lying to you and he’s lying to her. He has no plans to get off the sweet gravy train and commit to you. Why would he? You’ve given him all your love despite the fact that he’s openly involved with someone else. What incentive does he possibly have to leave this woman and give up all the gifts? None, whatsoever.
And so what that he had a horrific divorce and was so wounded he just couldn’t bring himself to have a relationship with anyone for years? You think that excuses his atrocious behavior now? You believe that he can’t have a relationship with anyone “unless it involves love and mutual respect”?! Are you fucking kidding me? This is delusional thinking. Neither of his current relationships involve love and mutual respect. They involve deceit and greed and sex and guilt, but I see zero evidence of love and respect.
You’ve got two failed marriages under your belt and clear evidence of questionable decision-making when it comes to your personal life. Change the course of this path you’ve been on for most, if not all, of your adult life and start making wiser decisions when it comes to relationships. You must know on some level that this guy’s a loser and your relationship with him is going nowhere or you wouldn’t have written to me asking if you were playing a losing hand. You KNOW you are. So get out before you lose more than just a hand. It’s not too late for you to find the real love of your life. He may not be slick or charming or super attractive like this current guy. He may be subtle and sweet and have a quiet strength, and you might just miss out on him if you continue chasing these damaged guys with the magnetic power of persuasion.
Take your life back from these kind of men before you’re licking the wounds left from yet another emotionally abusive relationship.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
em February 26, 2016, 10:03 am
yeah, the bit about he’s trying to end it “gracefully..” Um, there is nothing about openly seeing someone else and using your older lover for money. Honestly, I’m not even sure someone with a real sense of grace would even accept such large gifts from someone he wasn’t committed to.
em February 26, 2016, 10:03 am
*should say “nothing graceful about seeing …”
joanna February 26, 2016, 10:06 am
I highly doubt the other woman knows about you. All you know is what he tells you.
Love Sick February 26, 2016, 3:27 pm
She definitely knows, we have had words before.
BlueKate February 26, 2016, 4:42 pm
Yeah, sure. He probably told her you’re some crazy chick from back in HS.
Have you told her you two are sleeping together? That he is telling you that he will leave her? Has she explicitly told you that she knows you two are sleeping together?
Love Sick February 26, 2016, 6:50 pm
YES, she knows, I was staying with him for months at one point before getting my own apartment. And I have heard him with my own ears tell her that he’s in love with me. Again you only seem interested in passing judgement rather than offering any real advice. I’m sure you’re life must be perfect.
Monkeysmommy February 29, 2016, 2:24 pm
My advice is this: no one buys the pig when they are already having bacon with every meal for free. Stop putting up with his shit. Leave him. If he is serious, he will cut Grandma off. If not, you know what you really are: the side piece. And that is me being nice today and giving advice. Normally I would ask why you are being such an idiot, and how you can’t see what a LOSER this guy is, but I am in a good mood.
Lianne February 26, 2016, 10:10 am
WWS. And stop saying “my lover.” You sound like Rachel Dratch in an SNL skit.
Vathena February 26, 2016, 10:23 am
It was really distracting, because I kept reading it as “my Lov-AH”.
Anonymousse February 26, 2016, 10:37 am
Addie Pray February 26, 2016, 10:49 am
BlueKate February 26, 2016, 4:37 pm
It’s not like she can say “boyfriend”, they’re not dating, she’s his side chick. They’re essentially FWB.
artsygirl February 26, 2016, 10:41 am
LW – I tried to work through the complicated relationships in your letter and just ended up confused. The uncle/lover of your BF’s ex-wife alone made my eyes cross. On a serious note, I agree with Wendy, this relationship is not healthy and you need to end it now. You have been with your BF for less than a year which coincided with the your second divorce on the heels of the death of your mother. I think it would be better to spend some time trying to refocus on what you want and need as an individual without the strain of trying to navigate a very messy relationship.
Another Jen February 26, 2016, 11:00 am
Your boyfriend is a kept man, he trades sex for money and gifts. The reason he’s not with you is that you don’t have the bankroll to afford him and his lifestyle. Take your cue from his actions; he is not a man of honor. You can do better.
Destiny May 15, 2020, 7:46 am
I love you
Essie February 26, 2016, 11:03 am
And another case of someone making excuses. He’s “soft-hearted.” “His word is his bond.” He went through a “horrific” divorce. He was cheated on. Aw, poor baby, he just has no choice but to keep screwing this woman for money.
Because that’s what he’s doing, if you take away the sugarcoating. He’s getting paid – very well – to have sex with her. He’s not doing out of kindness, or soft-heartedness, or honor, or past trauma, or anything else. He’s doing it because he’s got you as a full-time girlfriend who’ll apparently put up with just about anything, and he’s getting sex AND lavish gifts on the side.
That’s the deal. All you can do is decide whether you want that, or whether you’d rather have a guy who’s committed to you and respects you.
bagge72 February 26, 2016, 11:14 am
You should definitely get married and divorced again. I think you need a new decision process on how you pick the guys you choose to be with.
bagge72 February 26, 2016, 11:16 am
“I feel like this woman is preying on his vulnerability and has been from the beginning.”
Should read: I feel like this man is preying on my vulnerability and has been from the beginning.
Another Jen February 26, 2016, 4:35 pm
Agree. He and his family are living in properties she’s bought, running around in vehicles she given them, and taking trips on her dime and he’s the vulnerable one? I think not.
Monkeysmommy February 29, 2016, 2:27 pm
Or vice versa! Don’t kid yourself, cupcake, he is the one praying on the elderly! Okay, maybe not elderly, per se, but obviously mid 60s.
juliecatharine February 26, 2016, 11:29 am
Almost to a fault, if explaining a relationship is *this* complicated, the drama is self-caused. LW-stop convincing yourself that your lover (eye roll) is a good man. He’s not. Good men do not juggle women. They do not abuse other people’s generosity. His promises are empty. Run. And get a therapist because Wendy’s right-your pattern is not good.
Bubbles February 26, 2016, 11:32 am
YIKES!! This is a “Dateline NBC” episode just waiting to happen!
em February 26, 2016, 1:00 pm
you remind me there was this show about “prison wives” years ago. it featured a man basically just like this (sleeping with an older, rich woman while having a girlfriend he “really loved” on the side). Within a couple months of appearing on a talkshow like Springer, the man actually did end up brutally murdering his sugar mamma and now the girlfriend supports him in prison.
Love Sick February 26, 2016, 3:24 pm
Trust me the thought has crossed my mind that she might try to have me killed.. she has that kind of money and she’s definitely crazy enough to think about it. She was secretly reading all of his dad’s text messages by having his iphone info go straight to her icloud and phone. The woman is not playing with a full deck, of course I guess you say I’m not either
Ange February 26, 2016, 5:44 pm
If you really, truly believe this then why are you staying around? Why is this man who supposedly loves you letting you put yourself in harms way like that? Why is HE staying with someone who would do that? Oh right, money and no honour.
ArgyllWisp February 26, 2016, 5:58 pm
LW – You really need to stop thinking and speaking of this woman so disparagingly. Yes, she surely has debased herself in order to stay with this man, because she’s afraid to start over at her age and possibility end up alone. Does this thought process perhaps sound oddly familiar to you?
Cause you’re staring your future in the face if you don’t alter your present course.
Vathena February 26, 2016, 11:43 am
This guy is good. He has multiple women believing that he is just a romantic with a fragile and wounded heart, who has always been the victim in his own life. They are tripping over themselves to “heal” him with love, and money, and sex. This LW even believes he’s the victim of the woman who bought his house and his car and who presumably has regular sex with him! If your boyfriend is a grown-up who has free will, he is just as responsible for his participation in that arrangement as she is. If he IS a damaged victim of her coercion, then he is not ready or able to be in a relationship with you. At this point, your boyfriend knows you’ll stick around to stroke his ego and make him feel like a special snowflake, no matter what he has going on the side, so there is no reason for him to end a situation that benefits him.
PumpkinSpice February 26, 2016, 11:43 am
Well said Wendy. You are spot on!
kare February 26, 2016, 11:45 am
I find it really odd that his family is just like “stick around and eventually he will stop banging this girl in exchange for nice things”.
You’re 47…now is the time to be impatient with men.
Love Sick February 26, 2016, 3:20 pm
His father is the one that has said I should stick it out. His father is actually a pretty blunt man, and I think he would tell me not to stay if he thought his son wasn’t truly in love with me. He’s actually told sugar mama that it’s time for her to move on, that his son loves me….
Stillrunning February 26, 2016, 3:24 pm
Daddy doesn’t need to be doing this boy’s dirty work.
BlueKate February 26, 2016, 4:46 pm
Uh huh. Sure. So let me get this straight, his entire family is using this poor woman because they have a free place to live…and they told her that she needs to move on? YEah…that totally happened…in a dream.
PumpkinSpice February 26, 2016, 11:47 am
He isn’t going to end this. He is probably waiting for her to pass away sovhe gets her money. This guy is a loser. Stop sugar coating the facts and wake up to reality. He doesn’t love you, he is not going to end his arraignment. He is having his cake and eating it too. Take off the rose colored glasses and see this through clear lenses.
Sue Jones February 26, 2016, 12:07 pm
LW how about being single for a while, or do you just love the drama? And stay off of Facebook, and you won’t be connecting with guys you knew as a teenager, guys who have matured and along with you have a lot of baggage now. Just be on your own and get some therapy to learn how to be happy on your own and then you won’t get involved with losers anymore.
Cp February 26, 2016, 12:33 pm
Also…maybe consider expanding your dating pool outside men you met as teenagers.
Love Sick February 26, 2016, 3:14 pm
I’m really not interested in just dating anyone. I’m 47, I want a relationship with someone I can build a future with. I’ll admit, I don’t want to end up alone. I don’t think dating men I already know is the issue, not sure some complete stranger would come with any less baggage, because let’s face it, we’re all screwed up in one way or another.
bagge72 February 26, 2016, 3:24 pm
You want a relationship with someone you can build a future with, so you picked somebody who has a sugar mama? You typed that and thought that made sense? Everyone has baggage, but not everyone has someone who pays them for sex, and companionship.
Love Sick February 26, 2016, 3:40 pm
I was not complete aware of the dynamics of their relationship when the affair began. I get there may not be a future with him, my point was I’m not interested in “dating”. I don’t do casual relationships or hook ups, and unfortunately that most likely all I would find in the city and area that I live in.
jlyfsh February 26, 2016, 3:45 pm
I’m sure to you it doesn’t seem like it, but that’s just an excuse. Dating is hard, at any age in any place. While it might seem like your location is particularly hard, using that as an excuse to stay with someone like this, is sad. How is what you have a serious relationship?
Love Sick February 26, 2016, 4:13 pm
I guess you could say it’s not a serious relationship except from my perspective. Not making excuses, just stating a reality, I don’t “date” people and if I choose to finally end this current relationship, I highly doubt I would get involved with anyone for a long time.
Love Sick February 26, 2016, 12:56 pm
LW here, yes I am smart enough to see the writing on the wall but leaving someone you love is difficult. Harsh criticisms but hey, I asked for it. The logical part of me knows you are right but my heart is not ready to give up on him. The sugar mama definitely does know about me and he does not regularly have sex with her, I know because she’s always complaining about that to EVERYONE including his father. He tells me everything, and yes I get that what he’s doing is deceitful but he actually never lies to me, he tell me the truth to a fault even when he knows it will upset or anger me. We have had many discussions about this and I get that the whole situation is toxic for everyone involved. It’s easy to pass judgement on someone’s else life but I’m the one that has to live with my decisions. I agree I need counseling, already “been there, done that” for many years. I thank you for the advice and I know eventually I will hit my wall, I just haven’t gotten there yet.
artsygirl February 26, 2016, 2:28 pm
LW – I can totally sympathize but maybe some professional counseling might help. It sounds like you are holding onto this relationship SO tightly even knowing it is toxic because of an underlying issue. Perhaps this old flame reminds you of your carefree young adulthood, maybe you are worried about not having a supportive partner, maybe you are used to having a man in you life that even a bad one is better than nothing. Whatever the cause, you are obviously torn and can acknowledge how screwed up this situation is for all the parties. I can say that the situation is not going to change. Your BF was with his sugar momma before you were in the picture, she likely is used to his wandering eye because I bet dollars to donuts that you are not the first GF he has had one the side. The only person that can change this situation is literally you and that would be by walking away. Maybe he will dump his older GF some day but his relationship means he will NEVER be yours in this current situation.
Love Sick February 26, 2016, 3:09 pm
yes I have always had a man in my life, can’t remember the last time I was actually single for any length of time. With my last husband, I was chasing the dreams of my youth and thought I was living out my fairytale come true. Oh what a joke that was… so no I’m not reliving the past with this guy, I am certainly not naïve enough to believe that fairytales come true or last. I certainly can’t swear to it but I don’t think he ever strayed from her before me. I have actually had conversations with them both at the same time. I think had that been the case she would have mentioned it. She has threatened to leave him at least twice since he began seeing me, as recently as 2 weeks ago, but within a day or two, she comes right back and acts like nothing ever happened. I am torn on what to do. I love this man, but I get that it’s not likely to change. Believe me, he hears this from me regularly and gets sick of hearing it. Sometimes it’s hard to face our own realities. I’m trying, but like I said, I guess I haven’t hit my wall yet.
BlueKate February 26, 2016, 4:35 pm
You need some serious therapy for your dependency issues. But aside from this, let’s look at this picture:
1) You’re not into hooking up or dating, but were completely fine starting an affair while married, with a man who is already in a relationship.
2) He’s completely stringing both of you along, and you’re perfectly fine with it as long as you’re not single.
3) Let’s be real, he is fucking two women, who both shower him with attention, money, love, blah blah blah.
4) His blunt dad is only saying that because he’s probably a dick (not blunt, but a dick IRL) and doesn’t want to deal with his own son with the sugar mamma finally either dumps him or dies.
5) He won’t leave her till she dumps him or dies.
6) YOU are the other woman, the homewrecker, the side chick, etc.
7) You’re actually holding yourself back from meeting new people and possibly a future love interest who could have a wonderful relationship with.
8) You need to grow the hell up.
Love Sick February 26, 2016, 5:20 pm
1) things aren’t always as simple as they seem. My marriage was over and it may just seem like an excuse to you but I needed this guy in my life at the time and he actually gave me the courage to get out of an abusive relationship.
2) I am not perfectly fine with any of this, none of us are
3) Yes, he’s getting stuff from her and he gets the love and affection from me. She is cold and not affectionate at all, she uses money as a substitute for love in all of her relationships, even with her kids and grandkids
4) His dad and family have benefitted from his relationship with her as well and would have no reason to be worried about his son losing her, if he were a selfish man he’d probably tell me to get lost. His dad is actually a very kind man and hates that all of us are being hurt by this.
5) I agree that most likely he will never end it. That the only way it’s going to end is if she makes that choice which isn’t looking very likely
6) Yes you can say that, and it doesn’t make me proud to be called those things. It doesn’t make my love for him any less true though
7) I am not interested in meeting anyone else at this time and even if I decide to leave him, I won’t be “dating”, not in the foreseeable future
8) Pretty sure I am a grown up, but I will agree that I have dependency issues that need to be addressed. That comment was not helpful.
mrmidtwenties February 26, 2016, 5:27 pm
Actually you are very wrong about number 2. He is perfectly fine with all this because if he wasn’t, he would end things.
BlueKate February 26, 2016, 5:30 pm
So on all of your 1-8 rebuttals, you’ve shown you’re delusional and are in major denial. You need some serious therapy. You need to realize that he is in control of this situation, he’s not a victim. He’s also a grown adult. You’re a fool in love, I get it. But you’re being absolutely stupid if you think this will end. Because really, for you rebuttal to #5, even if she tries to end it, he will come groveling back to her because he wants that money, that free place to live, the expensive gifts. He won’t let her break up with him.
You’re obviously not listening to anything anyone here has to say. You don’t want to. Why are you even asking? You put yourself into all this drama. You may say to us, continuously, that it’s not as simple as it seems, but honestly, it really is. You’re a side chick. He’s fucking both of you, and he won’t leave her, or let you leave as well, he’s got too much going for him from this situation. You’ve consistenly made horrible decisions regarding men, this one is not any different.
So leave him, be single. You need to learn who you are, and why you’re okay with this situation. Because really, to your #2, you clearly are fine with this arrangement. You’re not breaking up with him, giving him an ultimatum, or telling her about everything he’s telling you. You’re being pulled into a trap. Because if she cuts the strings, guess who he’ll be using as his new sugar mamma? You. You’re the backup plan. Congratulations, you made yet another horrible partner decision and are in denial about just how bad this whole drama BS really is.
Love Sick February 26, 2016, 5:46 pm
I battle every day with the decision to leave him or not and I have considered telling her everything, letting her read his text messages and see the promises he’s made to me. And I have given him ultimatums, I just haven’t been strong enough YET to stick to it… I have a line in the sand but unfortunately lines drawn in sand are easily moved. I appreciate the constructive comments I have received here but you seem only interested in beating me down more for my “bad judgement” and “poor choices” in life. I may be in some denial but clearly I am trying to work thru this or I wouldn’t have even put myself out here like this.
BlueKate February 26, 2016, 8:23 pm
Then stop drawing lines in sand. Make one on wet cement so that it never goes away.
And yes, I’m being rough on you. Because you are fully in control of your actions. You are hurt and sad about this situation, yet YOU…and only you…are responsible for feeling like you do. The older woman is not your problem. She has a right to feel and do what she does. Your “lover” can end this right now, right this second…and yet he doesn’t. He’s 100% in control of his actions. Why can’t he tell her that it’s over, right now? And as for you, you decided to stick with such a dishonorable, parasitic, manipulative scum. You even said that logically you know you have to leave him. But your “heart” won’t let you. Then maybe you should go 100% no contact with him till he ends it with her, and maybe revisit your feelings after a month of no contact. Your heart can’t let go because he knows so well how to play you. And you’re letting him.
So stop playing in the beach and drawing lines in sand. Toughen up and do it on wet cement so that the line can never go away. When will you be tired enough to finally say “fuck it” and leave?
Almost all of us have been there. We’ve had to say that at some point or another. You left your cheating husband. Was cheating the last straw? Do you not realize that your current dude is doing the exact same thing, to both of you.
And who’s to say that whenever his relationship with her ends, and he is with you, that he won’t find someone else to be the side chick? Stop listening to his words, and start listening to his actions. He can stop this all right now, but he doesn’t, hasn’t, has lead you on, and all he needs to do is sweet talk you and make you promises for the future.
Love Sick February 26, 2016, 9:25 pm
Yes I agree about a hard line needing to be drawn. I am struggling with the very choice you suggested, no contact at all until he makes his choice. It is a battle between my heart and mind. And finding the courage to do it
ArgyllWisp February 26, 2016, 6:08 pm
Sorry, #4…. His father taking money from his son’s gf, then telling her to get lost and encouraging his son’s other woman to “stick it out” makes him an a-hole. It doesn’t make him sound un-selfish at all. I think the son has learned much from his father.
Diablo February 26, 2016, 12:57 pm
Does anyone here remember how many pairs of panties were effortlessly removed by the “Haunted Past” gambit used by Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson in Wedding Crashers? “Who’s a broken man?” “We lost so many good men out there…” Yes, it is guaranteed to evoke sympathy in naive women desperate for middle-aged validation. It gives the man an iron-clad out for not having to behave like a real human being, not taking responsibility for any bad behaviour, and not having to make any kind of clear cut commitment. If you challenge it, you are not respecting his delicate condition: “But, baby, I have PTSD!” And if you are the broken man, it’s always the other woman’s fault, because she is taking advantage of your scarred psyche, and in this case, remorselessly seducing him with filthy lucre, including actual land and property, it would seem. Oh, but she’s black widow spider! He’s not fleecing her, she’s corrupting him with her gifts. I suggest you go to her place and have it out with her in person, complete with shrieked epithets and pulled hair. Be sure to send us a clip of the video.
Love Sick February 26, 2016, 3:35 pm
Easy to make a joke out of this, I get it and it’s a pretty funny comparison but he is not that type of guy. I get he’s playing the part of the wounded/broken man, he actually uses those words about himself but I do feel in some ways he is broken. Of course so am I, and I would bet that most of you commenting on this post have something broken inside of you too.
Diablo February 26, 2016, 3:51 pm
It’s easy for me to make a joke out of anything. That’s what i do. Consider the joke a reality check. If you want to perceive me as mocking you and be hurt by that, that’s your prerogative. I don’t intend it to be so much mean as shocking you into seeing clearly. We’re all a bit broken, yes, but we don’t get to use that as an excuse for not behaving like responsible grown adults. You say he is not that type of guy, but Wendy is saying, and so am I, that he absolutely irrefutably IS THAT KIND OF GUY. He had a sugar mama ( a repugnant concept in either gender) BUY the property he lives on. Most of us adults work hard and pay for our own stuff. Your guy is full of crap, no excuses. I know it hurts to admit how wrong you have been, but you need to pull your head out of your backside and respect yourself by dumping Sir Douche. Believe it or not, this is sarcasm lightly sprinkled with compassion.
Love Sick February 26, 2016, 4:23 pm
Not offended at all, everyone is entitled to their opinion and obviously I signed up for this by asking for advice.
LouAnn February 26, 2016, 4:44 pm
There’s a lot of stuff that’s wrong with this situation, but something that stuck out for me, from both the letter and the responses in the comments, is the notion that the “sugar mama” is the one who has to end things, that she has to be the one to call it off and say it’s over between them. She knows, but she won’t end it…. She threatens to end it, but then comes back…. His dad tells her that SHE needs to move on….
HE can end that relationship, he is perfectly capable of doing that. From what is written here, he is taking absolutely no responsibility for what happens in his life. It is all just happening TO him. That’s not the way things work, we can’t control everything that happens to us, but we can control our reactions to it, and we can certainly decide whether we want to be in a relationship or not.
He’s made his decision. He wants to be in a relationship with both her and you. Now, you have to decide if you want to be in that kind of relationship or not.
Love Sick February 26, 2016, 5:37 pm
Yes, you are correct. His in-decision is a decision. He wants to have it all, her to pay his way and me to give him the love and affection he desires. And yes, I have to decide how much longer I can live like this? It’s not easy and I do appreciate some of the constructive comments I have received here. Like I said earlier, sometimes it’s hard to face our own realities. I’ll know when I’ve hit my wall.
Love Sick February 26, 2016, 4:54 pm
For the record, my first marriage was not all my failure, my husband cheated on me, for 5 years before I got the courage to leave him. He was the kind, soft-spoken, hard-working, intelligent type that I thought would be dependable and we were actually best friends. He was the subtle but sweet guy with quiet strength, but he showed me that most men are quite capable and willing to cheat when opportunity arises.
mrmidtwenties February 26, 2016, 5:03 pm
You don’t seem to like Wendy’s or anyone else’s advice here. What do you want hear? Your guy is man of the year and he will leave his “sugar mama” for you? Guess what he won’t, the guy is a sleazebag and if you want a real relationship, you need to leave him. Also, if you want to find a real, healthy relationship, you need to spend some time being single, likely in therapy, work through your obvious issues with relationships, then when you’re ready, date like the rest of the world does.
Vathena February 26, 2016, 5:06 pm
Seriously….just be single for awhile. Examine why you have a habit of latching on to men who walk all over you and treat you like you don’t matter. You have never been without a man in your life, and they have all ended up treating you like crap. Maybe try just living with only yourself to worry about. You may find it quite freeing.
Sue Jones February 26, 2016, 5:17 pm
LW, so much of your energy is being sucked out of you by all of this drama. Believe me, drop the pathetic loser that uses his brokenness as an excuse not to be a grown-assed man and so much time and energy will be available to you, no telling what you can do. Right now this situation is turning you into an empty cavernous dark hole of a shell because this guy is a vampire. He is not going to change his situation. YOU can change YOUR situation and start to heal and release the programming you have that you aren’t worth anything without a man’s validation. For our generation it ran DEEP! I am now 54 and when my highschool had prom, a girl couldn’t even go if a boy didn’t ASK her first! So without a boyfriend a girl couldn’t do a lot of things. Things happily have CHANGED! It is a different better world (in many ways) than it was during the 70’s and 80’s!
And as for everyone being broken, well life is hard and I don’t think anyone gets out of here without a broken heart at some point, but what separates the healthy people from the losers is that healthy people grow, heal and seek therapy if they are having trouble healing on their own and make the EMPOWERING choice. You are giving away your power to this vampire and it is time to take it BACK! Start by turning around and going your own healthy way and choosing health over dysfunction at every choice point.
Vathena February 26, 2016, 5:45 pm
Sue Jones: *drops mic*
Essie February 26, 2016, 6:13 pm
Wow, Sue, that was awesome.
LW, I think you diagnosed your own problem when you said you’d always had a man in your life. That is one terrible position to put yourself in. For two reasons. One, you’re making your happiness and quality of life dependent on someone else. Two, it means you’re going to settle. Inevitably, you settle. For Mr. “Good Enough”. You cling to bad relationships, because the alternative is being single.
Are you doing this because you fear people will think less of you if you’re single? Like you can’t “get a man?” Trust me, it doesn’t work that way. And forgive my bluntness, but I think people would have more respect for a strong, self-sufficient single woman, than someone who’s hanging on to a guy who’s getting paid to date another woman.
And again, sorry for the bluntness, but…he says he loves you. His father says he loves you. If he really, truly loved you, wouldn’t he give up the other woman for you?
Love Sick February 26, 2016, 7:36 pm
Yes most definitely I always want a man in my life, but not because of people thinking less of me… I am an attractive woman and would no doubt be able to find other people to date and yes I need to consider why I am always drawn towards men that don’t necessarily value me. I grew up without a father, he passed away when I was a baby so some of you may think I have “daddy issues” and quite possibly I do… the bottom line I want to be loved and I do fear being alone. I am in a constant battle with my mind and heart on what to do in this situation. I am trying to work thru it and I do appreciate the kind and constructive comments.
Essie February 26, 2016, 11:33 pm
My point, though, is that you’re choosing quantity over quality. You get men who don’t value you because you don’t place much value on yourself. If you did value yourself, you’d never, ever put up with the situation you’re in now.
I’m picky as hell. And I’d way rather be single than be with the wrong guy. Because I’ve dated my share of wrong guys, and it sucks. I look at dating this way: my life is good, even without a guy. So a guy has to meet a pretty high standard if I’m going to let him become part of my life. He has to be worth it.
Sketchee February 27, 2016, 12:51 am
You stay with men who don’t value you. That’d the answer. You stay with them. It’s as simple as that. If you left instead of looking for reasons to stay or reasons to leave, you wouldn’t be this situation. You have the ability to walk away. It’s ‘learned helplessness”. As long as you believe that a magical heart or feeling keeps you trapped you will be trapped. You are not trapped and never were. <3
Skyblossom February 27, 2016, 5:57 pm
You stress that you are an attractive woman. Why is that relevant? What has attractive got to do with staying with a jerk? Do you feel you need a man to remain attractive or so that people will realize you are attractive or because you assume an attractive woman will always have a man?
joanna February 26, 2016, 7:09 pm
dinoceros February 26, 2016, 7:12 pm
I think you’re seeing things how you want them to be, but not as they are. A good person would not use someone for money or gifts. If he wanted to be with you, he’d be with you. But it sounds like he likes having you but also getting stuff from this woman. I don’t really understand the idea that it’ll work itself out. How? If he doesn’t end things, it’s not going to end. Are you just waiting until she dies or something?
The fact is, people do what they want to do. If he wanted to end things with her and be with you, he would. And honestly, if this person is as unhinged as she sounds, it’s not very kind for him to use her for gifts while also telling her that he’s sleeping with someone else. What’s the purpose of that? “I’m going to sleep with you so that I get stuff, but I also want you to know that I don’t actually like you.”?
Irishgal February 27, 2016, 3:12 pm
Folk….. this lady is in her corner fighting her position with both fists up. She is never going to hear you as as soon as she starts reading your PoV rather than hearing it she is instead coming up with counter arguments to defend her position. Underneath it all LW is getting something out of this relationship (we can see it’s unhealthy but she can’t/won’t) and until that gain is no longer met she will continue just to fight her position.
Love Sick February 27, 2016, 5:34 pm
Completely disagree with you that I don’t see its unhealthy, obviously I do or I wouldn’t have put myself out here like this. Am I ready to admit defeat? No, not yet. Yes I am definitely getting something from the relationship or I would have already walked. This is a battle within myself that I am fighting and I am not completely blind to the destructive nature of it.
Love Sick February 27, 2016, 5:53 pm
I sent this letter so I could get some objective viewpoints and to say I’m not “hearing” them is wrong. I am by no means a naive or stupid woman being bamboozled by some shady player. I am trying to work thru this and I do appreciate and “hear” the constructive comments.
Love Sick February 27, 2016, 5:56 pm
It’s easy to pass judgment when you’re only hearing my side of the story. Most stories have 3 sides, mine, yours and the truth somewhere in the middle
saneinca February 27, 2016, 6:12 pm
The facts of the case does not change with any side’s story. It is sleazy hearing from any side. The woman who buys affection, the guy who sells himself or the hanger-on looking for crumbs.
And no one said you are naïve, stupid perhaps.
Love Sick February 27, 2016, 6:18 pm
Again another back seat psychologist that only wants to pass judgement. I’ve heard and read quite a few positive criticisms on this posts, but I don’t “hear” people like you that only want to judge the situation.
saneinca February 27, 2016, 7:26 pm
Not really a judgement. Only a comment as you said the story changes when heard from other sides.
dinoceros February 28, 2016, 10:35 am
I’m not sure what you’re looking for here, then. The only question you asked in your letter was if you were playing a losing hand. Everyone has answered that, yes, you are. You have responded by disagreeing with everyone and shifting the conversation to be about the tone of what people were saying. So, if you’re sure that we’re wrong, then why write in at all? What were you looking for? And, sure, you can be offended by people’s bluntness or opinions, but in the end, even if everyone got super sweet in their wording, the answers would be the same.
jlyfsh February 28, 2016, 12:09 pm
It is confusing what you came for if you have an excuse or rebuttal to every comment. If you were happy with this situation why write in? If you were already trying to work through this, what did you need from Wendy or to see in the comments? You said above you’ve basically never been single. Why don’t you try that for a change. How can it be any worse to be alone than to be with someone who doesn’t value or respect you?
Anonymousse February 28, 2016, 12:32 am
He’s not going to leave his sugar mama. She’s bought his family property? A house? If he goes, so does all the luxuries he gets with her. You can’t trust what he says about her, or really anything he says, because he’s trying to keep you tied to him, too. Same goes for his family, really.
I don’t think he actually loves you. If he loved you, he’d want to be with you and he also wouldn’t want to cause you pain. He seemingly has no problem with either. If he loved you, he’d give it all up for you.
I also feel sad for you and your bitterness towards men that you would accept this from someone. You said “most men will cheat on you.” I don’t believe that.
In believing that most men are like that, you accept this treatment. So you either need to leave him, or accept things will never change.
If you do leave him, I think you should take a little break from men. It’s not healthy to go from relationship to relationship your entire life. See a therapist. Learn how to spot red flags and have healthy relationships again. And then date. Yes, date. You need to get to know someone and their life before you go “all in.”
Stillrunning February 28, 2016, 2:20 pm
Yes, but = not listening
Ron February 28, 2016, 7:12 pm
The other commenters are giving you good advice. Of course the guy’s family is telling you to stick it out and he’ll eventually marry you. He wants a younger woman to date in addition to his sugar mama. His family is getting enough goodies out of this that they certainly don’t want to break up his current arrangements. He is sticking with his sugar mama until he dies or she throws him away. Then he’ll likely have enough $ that he’ll be trying to be a sugar daddy for a much younger woman. That is more consistent with everything you’ve said about him, than him actually marrying you. Of course he’s a real smooth talker and handsome. That’s what it takes to string along both you and his sugar mama.
From your own letter, you have awful taste in men. So why do you think your view of this guy is definitely spot on and all the posters who see red flag after red flag are wrong? That really doesn’t make sense. You seem to have a total blind spot for handsome, smooth-talking scoundrels.
Ana Cortes May 15, 2018, 11:46 am
Oh girl, I get ya. Your in love. If your not ready to leave him then don’t. But I will say sweet angel that I fear this won’t end well. You like this guy, your enamored. Just stay until your convinced on what to do. If your not ready to leave him you hafta accept that he will not leave her, he needs her to survive. That man is not good for any of us and he is out there with different faces. Just don’t do anything until your ready . I wish you and all of us luck in this war called love❤️?❣️
Carrie September 22, 2018, 6:49 am
The guy I love has a benefactor as well. Saying that out loud to friends or family or even therapists rarely goes anywhere constructive. It’s usually a sh*t show of shame, exasperating an already isolating and misunderstood situation. Isolating because I didn’t meet a guy with a benefactor in place then jump on board day one. Nobody in their right mind would tolerate that. But this kind of triangulation by a man doesn’t happen over night. It’s a subtle shift over a period time. You find yourself stuck. Knee deep in a web of mind f*cking mixed message and layers of gaslighting.
During my exhaustive search for a way out of this thing without looking back, I have read and heard every type of response re: the why’s, the how’s, and what’s of this kind of relationship. Wendy’s was the first one I respect. At first I thought, ouch, harsh. But her directness spoke to me in way that was like “HELLO, WAKEY WAKEY”, without making me feel like an idiot. Thanks Wendy.
for Love Sick in Texas-
I would lovingly like to encourage you to embrace self honesty. This is absolutely not a judgement, more of a warning to stay as reality based as you can despite the delusional thinking Wendy mentioned.
Whatever idea you have of this woman re: her motives related to his vulnerability, stop. It’s a distraction. It’s most likely not all what you think, and the truth would most likely horrify you.
Second, the idea that guilt plays any significant part is not correct. One does not continue living off somebody in an effort to protect their feelings for having lived off them so long? See that? Xoxo