I introduced them at my current partner’s request. Following the meeting he said he felt there was still something between us. It’s true, we love each other as friends.
He said he didn’t think I should see him alone at my house. I made the mistake of agreeing to this. I continued to meet once a month for dinner in a restaurant. To be honest, I should have not agreed to this as we are great friends and it’s weird that he can’t stop by.
Now my partner (we live separately) has blown up and says he should come with us when we meet. I enjoy my catch-up with my good friend and do not want this intrusion just to satiate his jealousy. — Friends with Ex
You know what seems weird to me here? That you call this ex-sex pal your best friend, but you only introduced him to your current boyfriend at your boyfriend’s request. If you and this guy are “best friends,” wouldn’t you naturally introduce him to your boyfriend on your own accord because that’s what people do — they introduce their new partners to their closest friends (without anyone else’s urging)? I don’t know, it just seems a little suspect that your boyfriend had to request an introduction after you went out of your way to assure him that, although you used to sleep with this man, you two are just “best friends” now.
Is there any possibility at all that the chemistry and connection your boyfriend has picked up on between you and your friend/former sex pal actually IS more than platonic? Might he have a legitimate reason to be concerned about this friendship? Regardless, he IS concerned, and rather than just write him off as a jealous boyfriend, I think it would behoove you, if you want to keep your boyfriend, to address his concerns and go out of your way to calm his anxiety and convince him that your friendship doesn’t in any way threaten your relationship. How do you do this? Well, LET him accompany you on some of your meet-ups with your friend. It doesn’t have to be every time, but maybe every third meet-up you invite your boyfriend. Let him see, beyond just the first meeting he had with your friend, that there is nothing to worry about. If your friend has a significant other or begins seeing someone, organize some double dates. Honestly, I would be a little weirded out if I had a boyfriend who was “best friends” with someone he used to sleep with and was really protective of the private time he spent with her to the point of never inviting me to join them on their get-togethers. I’d be like, “Well, what are you trying to hide that you don’t ever want me around the two of you together?” (And, in fact, this HAS happened to me. I dated a guy who remained very close to his ex-girlfriend and insisted they were just friends. I was never invited to join him when he hung out with her. Eventually, he and I broke up. … And he went on to marry the ex).
Sure, including your boyfriend in your get-togethers with your friend may be an intrusion, but isn’t an intrusion worth it if it means giving your boyfriend more clarity and understanding about your friendship? Rather than “satiate his jealousy,” you could see it as showing your boyfriend there’s actually nothing to be jealous of . . . Unless there is. In which case, your defensiveness here would make sense. Be honest with yourself. And then be honest, and compassionate, with your boyfriend.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.