In his past, he has frequented strip clubs with friends and even received many lap dances; so, because of this strippers are “gross” to him and he does not want to be with one. I have tried to explain that it is a fun way to exercise while tapping into my female sexuality for my own self-confidence, but he will have none of it. I asked him to look into the facility and ask the owner any questions he feels the need to ask, but he will not bother. It is a full out “no” with no budging even though I have expressed how badly I want to do this and my reasons for this type of fitness class in particular. He is unable to distinguish an actual stripper at a pole at a strip club from his girlfriend exercising on a pole in a fitness facility.
Now I’m at a loss on what to do. He knows my self-confidence is low and that I don’t have many friends I hang out with because of my studies. Every time I have gone to pole dancing class I left feeling good about myself, almost like I tapped into a part of me I didn’t know I had. I do not plan to become a stripper at all! The classes are simply something I want to do for myself, and it feels like he is trying to deny me of my finding own sexuality, having a social life, knowing my own strength, and gaining self-confidence.
He has offered to find alternative ways for me to exercise and has enrolled me at his gym. While I appreciate his looking into other options and offering to pay for the gym membership, I have this gnawing sense of sadness that I can’t get rid of. It’s like I let a part of myself go somewhere in this whole process, almost like I will never get to feel feminine or in touch with my sensual side.
Thoughts? — Pole Dancer at Heart
Yeah, that gnawing sense of sadness you’re feeling comes from the fact that your boyfriend is a total dickwad. He’s had a bunch of lap dances and therefore strippers are “gross”? How does that make any sense? HE is the one paying them to dance on his lap. If they’re gross, what does that make him? A total dickwad, that’s what. He’s a controlling, disgusting douche canoe and you would be a million times better off without him. Seriously, just dump the jerk already. He’s “forbidden” you to take a class that you’ve expressed brings you a lot of joy? He enrolled you at his gym?! Who the hell does he think he is? He isn’t your father and you aren’t eight years old. He doesn’t have any say in what class you take or where you work out. And the fact that you haven’t dumped his controlling, misogynistic ass already clearly illustrates how much you would benefit from a class that empowers you. Dickwad knows this and that’s why he doesn’t want you anywhere near it. He wants to keep you malleable and meek, more ready to bend to his will because he doesn’t know how else to relate to women.
He’s exactly the kind of guy who goes to strip clubs and gets lots of lap dances and then calls the strippers “gross.” He gets off on the power imbalance. He thinks he’s better than they are because, while they are engaging in the same act, HE is the one paying for it. HE is the one with the power (so he thinks). And this is how he will likely always engage in interpersonal relationships with women. It’s certainly how he’s engaging with you. He has the power and you don’t. He calls the shots. He says where you can exercise and where you can’t. Where you can exercise and where you can’t! Why haven’t you left this douchebag yet? Ugh, gross. Come on. Aim higher. This guy is a scab on modern men and you can do a lot better.
Since reuniting, I have had the opportunity to be alone with her one-on-one only twice, and both times her kids called and interrupted our alone time and, of course, she hurried back home to them (for something along the lines of “the boys want ice cream and we are out”). In the entire time we’ve been back together we have only been intimate once and have only “made out” once and even then it was rushed because her “boys needed her home” for some BS reason. I think the back-breaker for me is that, the few times we have gotten a few moments of privacy and her son has barged in and interrupted, she has never “corrected” him, like telling him they can talk later about whatever mundane issue he may have. I really like her and her kids, but this abject lack of ANY personal time and intimacy is driving me away.
Any suggestions? I hope the above all makes sense. — Reunited and It (doesn’t) Feel so Good
You’ve had almost zero time alone with the woman in five years and she’s mentioned marriage numerous times?! That’s…. really fishy. She had these kids five years ago when you were in each other’s lives. What was your relationship like then? Were you even romantically involved or just friends? Is the kids’ father in the picture at all? What has her life been like the past five years? That she is moving so quickly with you in one sense — talking marriage after three months together — while basically avoiding intimacy with you, suggests to me that she’s using you. Would marrying you provide financial stability she doesn’t already have? Would it give her some security as she raises these teenage boys and gears up to potentially send them to college in a few years?
You need to have some serious conversations with her about how uncomfortable you are with the incongruity of these mentions of marriage while all while having zero private time with her. Tell her that you cannot even begin to entertain the thought of marriage until you are able to take your relationship to the level that only private time alone will allow. Tell her that while you love her kids and spending time with them, until there are some boundaries set and she quits rushing to their side every time they need ice cream, you have serious reservations about the future of your relationship. If she doesn’t react to this with an eager commitment to meet you where you need to be met and to carve some alone time for the two of you, I’d run for the hills, my friend.
What do I do? — Ready to Marry
Wait… you got divorced less than eleven months ago and your ex is already remarried and you’re already engaged?! Woah. You two didn’t waste any time, did you? You don’t think you need a little more time to make sure your fiancé and your son are well-integrated? I think about your 4-year-old son and how much he’s had to absorb this year — the dissolution of his family, his father moving out, his father remarrying, his mom moving on with another man. It would be a lot for someone twenty years older to process. I’m not saying you aren’t deserving of a happy relationship or another marriage. But would it be so terrible if you slowed down and took your time here and made extra sure everything was right? Just because your ex-husband didn’t do that doesn’t mean you have to follow suit.
But, regardless how fast or slow you move, you need to speak to a family attorney. If your divorce papers state that your ex must meet anyone you plan to live with and your ex is refusing to meet your fiancé, it’s time to consult with someone who can help navigate the law. But, again, I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t advise you to slow down and make sure your son’s needs are being prioritized and that he’s comfortable with all the changes that have happened in his life this year.
Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.