I have lots of questions about my current relationship with a weird guy. For starters, I have a tradition of bringing food as a gift to my boyfriend when I come over. This last time I brought some pineapple, but he refused to have it with me. He said we’d have it the next day, but he didn’t invite me the next day, and when I came over the day after that, I saw that he already had a lot of it without me.
Another example of his weirdness: It was his birthday three days ago and I bought a huge, expensive birthday cake to celebrate, but he said he didn’t want any because he has cholesterol issues, so he didn’t cut the cake or even light the candles, and he didn’t even cut a bite for me. After I asked a bunch of times if I could have some, he said we’d have some the next day, but, of course, he never did share. He also said I shouldn’t buy him a birthday cake again even though he said it was a nice gesture. That’s weird, isn’t it?
Last night, I started having severe pain when I was with him, so I asked for more attention, which he did not give me. I told him he doesn’t care because he wasn’t supporting me, and he finally said that I am “too much responsibility for him.” Well, I stormed off (while in pain!) and I called him three times from home, but he didn’t pick up. Then he sent me a text indicating he is “fucking sleeping” and I need to stop this.
He is weird, but I love him a lot. I don’t know what to do. — Love a Weirdo
Well, aren’t we all a little weird? Don’t we all have strange little things about us that potential partners either accept or reject and move on from? If you really love the guy and would like to continue this relationship despite what you find to be weird behavior, I have two pieces of advice. First, quit bringing him food that you hope he’ll share with you. If you want to bring a gift, that’s fine, but a gift isn’t something you give expecting it to be shared with you.
Bring him pineapple and then bring some in another container for yourself. Or say, “I brought us pineapple to share. Do you have plates I can serve it on?” He’s free to turn down his share of the pineapple, but if he’s still denying you a plate and refusing to let you eat food that you brought to share, that’s more than weird. That’s just being mean, and maybe you don’t want to date a mean guy. Or maybe he’s got some phobia around other people eating in his home, and that’s worth asking him about.
My other piece of advice: Listen when he says that you’re “too much responsibility.” Maybe you’re just too much *for him* and he’s not a good match for you. Or maybe there’s space for you to be a little more independent or self-capable. Like when you were in pain and demanding more attention for it. Did you use your words and ask for what you wanted or needed? Or did you just expect/want him to fawn all over you and treat you like a helpless baby?
Some people need a little direction and it sounds like he may be one of them. He sounds like he could be neurodivergent and doesn’t always understand cues and social norms (like offering someone something to eat when they’re at your house or have brought food to share). On the other hand, he could just be a thoughtless dick, I don’t know. But I’ll believe you when you say you love him and trust that there are qualities he has that you enjoy. And for that, I think it’s worth bending a bit to meet him where he is, and to accept his quirks and work around them in a way so that both person’s needs are met.
My boyfriend of almost three years moved 900 miles away for a job transfer and better weather. We have been on-and-off for the past year due to this move. My younger son will graduate next year and then my boyfriend would like me to move to where he is. I don’t think I have ever loved someone as much as I love him, and I’m tempted to move to where he is as I have never taken chances in my life before (I’m a very cautious person).
My issue is leaving the state without my children who will be 22 and 17 in a year, when the younger one graduates. My friends think that because my boyfriend and I have had so many problems in the past year that I would be making a huge mistake to move there and they feel I would be burning bridges here. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. Please help! — Ready to Take a Chance
Don’t you think that in a year, when you’re considering the move, your kids will be at the age when it’s not unheard of to live in a different state than their mother. (I mean, college students often leave their home state. I moved to a whole different country than my parents for college when I was 17, and it was fine. We’re not talking about young children here…)
But your friends’ argument is interesting, and if it resonates with you, then maybe you aren’t sure about moving, and that’s fine. But you need to separate that issue from the age of your kids. Don’t use them as an excuse to avoid something you aren’t sure is the right move for you because you aren’t sure if the relationship is right for you.
What are the many problems you and your boyfriend have had over the past year? Are they related to being long-distance (here are some tips to deal with potential challenges)? I would focus on these issues and whether you can work through them together before you make plans to uproot your life.
There are many things to consider before moving to be with someone. The age of your kids, both of whom will be out of high school in a year, is not at the top of the list (it’s not even on the list, tbh).
Related post: “My Family Thinks I’m Abandoning My Sons”