Guest columnists and contributors are generously sharing their talents and insights while I’m taking some time to care for my new baby. Today’s letter is answered by columnist and blogger, Billie Criswell.
I think my boyfriend’s manager at work is trying to seduce him and I’m not quite sure what to do about it. He admits he finds her attractive but I believe him when he says he’s not interested in her. I trust him. I do NOT trust her. She’s done several things that make me think she’s trying to steal him away (for lack of a better term). She discusses intimate details of her current relationship with him, telling him she’s unhappy with her boyfriend and their sex life. She got drunk with him one night when they were closing, even though he’s underage and she could have been fired or even arrested for that. She arranges the schedule the way he wants it (even changing the entire schedule mid-week because he forgot to ask for a day off) and often schedules him to work and close with her. Also, I know she has a history of cheating on her boyfriend.
My boyfriend is a little younger than I am (and younger than she is) and a little naive in this case. He acknowledges she likes him but thinks it’s a harmless work crush. I disagree. I think her behavior has been really unprofessional and uncool, considering she knows about me and has a boyfriend herself. I hate that they hang out on nights I’m working late, and I hate that she seems “cooler” than me because she takes him to bars and helps him get alcohol, which I won’t do. Again, I trust my boyfriend, and I don’t want to tell him who he can and cannot be friends with (not that he’d necessarily listen since he thinks the whole thing is harmless), but I just don’t know what to do in this situation.
He’s promised he won’t drink with her alone at work again, and apologized for upsetting me, but he continues to hang out with her outside of work, in a group or sometimes with her boyfriend. I can’t keep them apart since they work together, and they have a lot in common so I can’t stop them from being friends. But I’m wondering if maybe I should subtly indicate to her that she needs to back off. Is there even a way to do that? Do you think it’s necessary? Part of me thinks that if I really do trust my boyfriend it shouldn’t matter what she does, but… It does matter. — Hands Off My Man!
Allow me to tell you a little story about a girl named “Sam.” Sam lived with my husband way before he was boyfriend. They were high school chums; she had big hooters and was extremely attractive. When I had been dating my then-boyfriend for three weeks, she told me that they used to date, but never had sex. Her admission made me uncomfortable, especially because she was constantly interjecting herself into our relationship for no apparent reason (not to mention they were living together).
Never one to back down from a challenge, I didn’t allow her antics to get me too worked up, and when my boyfriend asked me to move in, I jumped at the chance. After a couple of years, (yes, I said years) she began really amping things up when she realized that things were getting serious between us. She would walk around the house practically naked, shove her boobies in his face, and try to corner as much alone time as she could with my man. The final straw was when Sam boldly declared to me (in front of my then-boyfriend) that I would be the one moving out, and that she and my future husband would be living together “forever.” And that was when I broke nasty on her. I said some choice words to Sam that sent her packing for good… in the end, I sort of felt bad for her because she was unable to recognize the bonds of love in others, and ultimately in herself.
Bottom line? People who insert themselves in relationships this way generally have deep-seeded insecurities and they like the hunt, not the actual person they’re hunting. The woman you describe probably thrives on sexual attention because she is lacking in another area of her life. You say she cheats on her boyfriends which indicates to me that she is reckless in relationships, and probably has a hard time being loved. More than you should be mad at her, you should feel sorry for her.
If you trust your boyfriend, then you must trust your boyfriend. Though, he definitely needs to keep hanging out with her confined to work and group situations — and it’s okay for you to tell him so. Beyond that, play it cool and confident. Keep in mind that no one can take a man from you unless that man wants to be taken. Unless she directly provokes a heated conversation with you, like Sam did with me, you don’t have to tell her he’s yours — she likely already knows.
There is nothing wrong with being extra affectionate with your boyfriend around her to send her the message loud and clear that he is yours. But it’s also HIS responsibility to make you feel like number one. When I was dealing with the “Sam issue” my boyfriend NEVER made me feel like I came in second. He thought her antics were as ridiculous as I did. M
If the issue persists, then perhaps you need to evaluate if he is mature enough to be in a serious relationship. Whatever you do, though, don’t let this girl get the best of you because it’s probably what she wants.
* Billie Criswell is a columnist and blogger from the “Delaware Seashore.” She loves zumba, bloody marys, and cooking. You can follow her shenanigans at Bossyitalianwife.com.
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spark December 20, 2011, 7:48 am
Great response, Billie!!! I especially like the line, “no one can take a man from you unless that man wants to be taken.” It’s SO true, but it’s often the very first thing women, and especially very young girls like LW, forget.
Robin December 20, 2011, 7:58 am
I disagree with Billie’s response. It’s true that no one can take a man from you unless he wants to be taken – but good men also want to be trusted. They want to make you comfortable. They don’t put themselves in situations where other women are encouraged to flirt with them. The LW asks if she should make it clear that the boyfriend is hers. No – but the boyfriend should be making this abundantly clear to his boss. That means he should avoid mixed messages by hanging out alone with her or getting drunk alone with her.
It’s okay for you to request this. It isn’t controlling to ask your boyfriend not to send mixed messages to women who are interested in him. He should want the same thing as you.
If he does respond negatively, it’s a sign you should move on. Remember, your problem here is not with the other woman – it’s with your boyfriend.
And sorry, Billie, but I wonder about your boyfriend. His roommate was shoving her boobs in his face (for years!?) and you had to be the one to ask that she move out? Honestly, it sounds like he may have been enjoying the attention from her. I’d be concerned about how committed he was.
JK December 20, 2011, 8:30 am
I totally agree, esp with your first paragraph. It sounds like LWs BF is enjoying the perks that come with this crush, so is not doing much to discourage her. To not say outright encouraging her.
Budj December 20, 2011, 8:38 am
In these situations – even just not discouraging is encouraging. He may be too young to understand or blinded by the perks of the relationship.
silver_dragon_girl December 20, 2011, 9:44 am
Yep. Some guys (usually younger and/or less experienced with cheating) think they can handle situations like this by walking the line. They think they can enjoy the flirtation and the attention and that they’ll never cross that line. The problem is that the longer it goes on, the blurrier the line gets.
Bagge72 December 20, 2011, 11:08 am
I agree, and add in the drinking they are doing together, and this is definitely a recipe for disaster.
Budj December 20, 2011, 2:56 pm
Rule #1 to not cheating…don’t put yourself in the situation…i don’t care how amazing or loyal a guy says he is…sooner or later it is going to happen if he keeps playing with fire.
spark_plug December 20, 2011, 5:09 pm
Totally agree, my bf finds it inappropriate even if I’m in date-like situations within guys (going out to a bar with another guy when there is booze involved) and likewise, doesn’t hang out with girls one-on-one in sketchy situations since we started dating. A good bf will make sure that there is no confusion about who the gf is!
*HmC* December 20, 2011, 2:43 pm
Very well put, you took the words right out of my mouth! Boyfriend here is at best, acting very naive and immature. Which is fitting, since he isn’t even old enough to buy alcohol. (Not saying all young guys are immature, but it does make sense that a lot of them would be. Life teaches you things, it just does!)
LW you are SO young with SO MUCH life ahead of you. If you do decide to cut your losses, please know that there are so many good men and fun times out there awaiting you!
FireStar December 20, 2011, 8:25 am
My first thought in reading this was that the boss plying your underaged boyfriend with alcohol would surely result in the loss of her job abd maybe even a criminal record once reported. I feel bad for her employer. She’s exposing them to ridiculous liability if the drinking is happening during work hours or on their property. Just saying.
As for what to do – I’m not one to believe any woman should fight another woman for a man. Men aren’t prizes – they are partners. The words you have shouldn’t be with the boss but with your boyfriend. Decide as a couple what behaviour from third parties is acceptable and respectful in your relationship and then the appropriate party (in your case you boyfriend) enforce it. Your job isn’t to impress on another woman how dedicated your boyfriend is to you – that’s HIS job.
Nadine December 20, 2011, 11:52 am
“men aren’t prizes, they are partners”
Love.
atraditionalist December 20, 2011, 1:44 pm
I’m going to write that line down somewhere – very succintly stated!
Anna December 20, 2011, 8:28 am
I’m kinda wondering the age of the LW and the boyfriend…she says she won’t take him to bars or buy him alcohol because he’s underage so it seems that she is over 21…curious as to how much younger he is.
LW, have you considered that your boyfriend enjoys the fact that his boss hooks him up with booze while you refuse to? As silly as it may seem, that’s a big thing for some kids between the ages of 17-21. Maybe he’s seeing her as the fun girl who takes him out for good times and you as the boring mom-type staying at home and telling him he can’t drink. You have said that he goes out with her and her boyfriend…why are you not there? It could be like a double date, and you could also mark your territory. Even if you don’t drink, you could still go out and have fun. I know plenty of non-drinkers who go to bars and dance just for fun and a chance to socialize.
If you trust your boyfriend, trust him. He won’t cheat on you unless he wants to. I think he’s just looking for a party, not a hookup.
Budj December 20, 2011, 8:34 am
Age of Innocence started out the saaame waay!
Eagle Eye December 20, 2011, 10:21 am
Hooray for the Edith Wharton/ Scorsese reference!
amber December 20, 2011, 9:12 am
It sounded like maybe there were doing some of the hanging out when the LW was working late. and also i don’t think we should make the LW feel bad for choosing to not purchase her underage bf alcohol. especially at work or out at a bar. if the LW wants to have alcohol in her house which the bf then drinks fine, but she shouldn’t feel like she should have to take him out to bars and buy him drinks. if she got caught she would get in to trouble. and if what he is looking for is a fun girl to get him booze he also isn’t really looking for a girlfriend. which may be part of the problem too, maybe he just isn’t mature enough to be in a relationship right now.
Anna December 20, 2011, 2:46 pm
I wasn’t trying to make her feel bad about not buying him alcohol. That’s her choice, and it is a smart one from a legal perspective. She could get in serious trouble for that. I was just suggesting that may be how the boyfriend feels. Males under the age of 21 are not exactly known for making mature adult decisions.
demoiselle December 20, 2011, 9:14 am
Or . . . maybe the boyfriend likes drinking a little too much? And doesn’t want to discourage the boss because then the booze might get cut off? Isn’t there a slight possibility that this is what is actually in play here (which is a concerning thing for the bf, should he be that interested in alcohol).
savannah December 20, 2011, 11:00 am
‘which is a concerning thing for the bf, should he be that interested in alcohol’-maybe if he were 25 or 32 but he’s under 21. Alcohol is best thing ever and he’s got the hookup! Think back- 20 year olds don’t want a drink-they want to get drunk!
Bagge72 December 20, 2011, 11:28 am
Heck ya! He wants to show those people who are of drinking age that he can drink them under the table! He is a man after all!
lets_be_honest December 20, 2011, 11:36 am
Ah, yes. Reminds of the How Many Espresso Martinis Can You Have in an Hour Game. The answer is 10. Please note I said “have” not “hold down.”
Those were the days.
Bagge72 December 20, 2011, 11:51 am
Haha yeah I tried power hour with Jager instead of beer on NYE, and I spent a lot of time in the bathroom, and missed the ball drop! I do think that was the night my balls dropped though, because of how cool, and manly I was.
lets_be_honest December 20, 2011, 11:56 am
Haha! Power Hour! You are bringing me back big time. I hesitate to admit that I once puked around minute 40 and ran back before anyone realized, only to go on to win the game. Still counts, right?
Bagge72 December 20, 2011, 12:16 pm
Oh of course, as long as everyone just thought you were going for a quick tinkle! I don’t think I made it past minute 30 that time because that is when I started feeling the jager, and it all kicked in at once! Not a good idea, definitely don’t try it! I shouldn’t have made it that far, but I’m a big dude, and it takes a little longer for me to start feeling it. Probably the worst night of my life haha…and I didn’t get the girl
Anna December 20, 2011, 2:50 pm
You got it Savannah! I remember that age fondly…drinking was so much more fun then! Now that I can do it legally, I drink a lot less and haven’t been wasted/puking in years. Oh, but Prohibition works, right?!
Ktfran December 20, 2011, 4:35 pm
Ha. I’m the complete opposite. I like drinking more now. Not the get super drunk and puke kind of drinking. But the enjoy a glass or two of wine, cocktail or draft microbrew. Only because I drank gross, cheap stuff when younger and now my tastes are a little different.
Boons farm anyone? Or Mike’s Hard Lemonade? Or Nat light kegs? Yuck! And man, I’m old.
amber December 20, 2011, 7:17 pm
we survived on natty light and strawberry boones farm in college! haha
Anna December 21, 2011, 6:16 am
Who didn’t?! Natty ice and Kraft mac n’ cheese were staples for me in college!!
Lovelylady December 20, 2011, 8:31 am
Robin totally agree with you on both accounts. I had an ex who had a former girlfriend as his best friend. It didn’t work out with them but they lived next door, he was Godfather to her kids, etc. Early on he made it clear to me and her (she was single and childless at the time) I’d be around for a long time and I was #1. Her response… I respect you both and I get it. To this day we are all good friends and I never once doubted either of their respect and boundaries in terms of our relationship.
Bottom line…it was my ex’s responsibility to keep things transparent. He did and I still respect him for it even now. The LW should certainly be up front with her boy friend. Besides, who really wants to compete for a man??? I never had to and I’m also happily married.
Penny December 20, 2011, 9:19 am
deep-seated not seeded.
sorry, this response is fantastic but i think this is the second time i’ve seen this and it’s driving me bonkers.
silver_dragon_girl December 20, 2011, 9:51 am
Last week I kept seeing “insure” instead of “ensure” everywhere. I get it.
JK December 20, 2011, 10:23 am
Ooooh, I hate that one.
cdubs December 23, 2011, 4:12 pm
I just saw that in a book I’m reading. How did the editors not catch that?? Drives me nuts. Although not as bad as less vs fewer. Omg so irritating.
Painted_lady December 20, 2011, 10:57 am
And “I’m x-years-old.” Only appropriate when age is being used as a modifier, as in, “I’m a 19-year-old girl.” It would just be “I’m 19 years old,” no hyphens otherwise. I don’t even know where people are getting that one but I’ve seen it a lot lately.
JK December 20, 2011, 11:03 am
With internet it seems spelling and grammatical errors multiply. Or maybe you just see more of them.
My most hated one is still your/you´re though.
spark December 20, 2011, 6:09 pm
I’m SO GLAD that you pointed this out, Painted_lady. Wendy’s been doing it lately, and it’s been driving me crazy! I didn’t want to say anything, though! Someone is a 19-year-old woman or 19 years old; not “19-years-old.”
Addie Pray December 20, 2011, 11:23 am
An attorney I know routinely uses the word “since” when he means “because.” That’s a huge pet peave of mine… since “since” doesn’t mean ‘because.” Haha.
Nadine December 20, 2011, 11:57 am
My most hated is “for all intensive purposes…”
I mean, don’t people stop and wonder what the hell they are actually trying to say??!
JK December 20, 2011, 12:08 pm
Hahaha, never seen that one. Sometimes those things do make reading comprehension a bit more difficult.
MissDre December 20, 2011, 12:16 pm
My most hated is “should of” instead of “should have”
atraditionalist December 20, 2011, 1:48 pm
I always thought it was “for all INTENTS and PURPOSES” not for all intensive purposes
Splash December 20, 2011, 1:49 pm
Me too
Meredith December 20, 2011, 2:52 pm
It is, that’s the point she was making.
lets_be_honest December 20, 2011, 12:17 pm
The other day I got a document in from another firm, clearly never checked for errors, that said “a next here to.”
*HmC* December 20, 2011, 2:44 pm
Wait what is that even supposed to be saying?!
lets_be_honest December 20, 2011, 3:20 pm
annexed hereto.
legal mumbo-jumbo.
Splash December 20, 2011, 1:45 pm
The one I always notice is “was” instead of “were” when referring to a hypothetical situation.
Like: If I WAS to take tomorrow off of work, what would we do?
should really be: If I WERE to take tomorrow off of work…
cdubs December 23, 2011, 4:14 pm
Ooh that’s one of my big pet peeves too. Even a lot of authors don’t understand how to use subjunctive.
Landygirl December 20, 2011, 2:07 pm
My pet peeve…when people say “Me and SoandSo did this” instead of “SoandSo and I did this”.
Meredith December 20, 2011, 2:55 pm
My biggest pet peeve is when people use the word “literally” as hyperbole. As in, “I literally flew across campus to get to my class on time.” Did you actually, physically fly? Then no, you did not “literally” do that! Argh!
That and the common misspelling of “definite” as “definate”, or (as several of my friends do for some reason) misspelling “borrow” as “barrow”. This one doesn’t even make sense to me. The word doesn’t even sound like it has an ‘a’ in it!
Glad to know I’m not the only one driven nuts by these things! lol
*HmC* December 20, 2011, 3:00 pm
Ah me too! I hate misuse of “literally”! It literally makes me want to blow my brains out! Haha. Honestly, I don’t think people actually know what that word means, they just confuse it for “really”.
Also, I hate when people call something ironic and it’s not ironic at all. Like they’ll say, “I love coffee, and I spilled my coffee all over my report, how ironic!” No. Nonnonoooo.
grendel December 23, 2011, 10:09 am
One of my pet peeves is when people are pedantic about the definition(s) of “literal” who never actually looked the word up in a dictionary and so just guessed the definition maybe?
Is there anything more tragic than the mistaken know-it-all? There literally is not.
*HmC* January 5, 2012, 12:26 pm
I was mistaken, and that’s good to know! But I’m not a know-it-all, nor do I get my rocks off hurling insults at people I don’t know. So at least I have that going for me. Happy New Year!
SpyGlassez December 20, 2011, 3:54 pm
I really hate seeing “weary” when someone means “wary.” I see it often enough online. Also, “sense” when they mean “since.”
Rachel December 20, 2011, 4:56 pm
A pet peeve I inherited from my mother is using quote/ENDquote, as opposed to quote/UNquote. It makes no sense to me that one would UNquote something they’ve just quoted. Unfortunately, unquote is used so frequently that, I believe, it has rendered endquote atypical.
Rachel December 20, 2011, 4:57 pm
*Rather, the pet peeve is hearing others use quote/UNquote, while I prefer quote/ENDquote. Sorry for any confusion!
iseeshiny December 23, 2011, 12:45 pm
Bath vs. bathe and breath vs. breathe… one is the noun, the other is the verb. Drives me nuts.
Jess of CityGirlsWorld.com December 20, 2011, 9:45 am
“Keep in mind that no one can take a man from you unless that man wants to be taken. ”
Love that Billie. Well said.
kittyk December 20, 2011, 10:26 am
When I started reading this I somehow overlooked that Billie was writing the advice and not Wendy, and I was like ‘what!? Drew had a live-in quasi ex when you moved in!? How were we not aware of this until now!?’
caitie_didn't December 20, 2011, 11:20 am
Billie, I think your response is fantastic. I also agree that ultimately the boyfriend has to want to have the trust of his girlfriend, and that means not hanging out with this lady alone. It’s not controlling or bossy to request that of him, and if he refuses I think it’s a good sign that he enjoys the ego boost of his boss having a crush on him more than he enjoys being in a serious relationship.
Also I loved this: “People who insert themselves in relationships this way generally have deep-seeded insecurities” because it is SO true. My roommate in first-year university was a girl I was really good friends with in high school. We’re no longer friends and one of the reasons was that whenever there was a guy around, she would quite literally shove me out of the way to talk to him or fake an asthma attack or something to ensure she was the center of attention. And since I refuse to compete for somebody’s attention, I would usually just leave. But I got tired of it, and that was one of the many reasons our friendship ended.
Skyblossom December 20, 2011, 11:55 am
Maybe her boyfriend is too young for this but I think it’s worth asking him what he thinks his boss gets out of this flirtation. Why would she buy him drinks and go out with him? Many women love to go for an unavailable man because it is a huge ego boost to have him risk his relationship over her, obviously she is so hot that men can’t resist her and so much more desirable than the girlfriend. Is she getting an ego boost out of the look of desire in his eyes. Does she like the idea that he needs her for alcohol so she likes having him dependant. Does she cheat because she doesn’t trust men and so cheats before he can so she hurts him before he can hurt her.
Also, what is he getting out of the fliration? Obviously free beer but maybe an ego boost when this woman with a boyfriend is interested in him. Ultimately, is he willing to risk his relationship for free beer and a woman who cheats on her boyfriends.
oldie December 20, 2011, 11:21 am
Bottom line is that, despite her protestations, the LW does not actually trust her bf. She seems to have good reason not to trust him. She needs to explain to him why his behavior makes her so uncomfortable. Either he agrees to change or she needs to MOA and get a new bf. Bf sounds immature, but what does she expect from an under-21? At that age, date younger men and 99% if the time, immaturity is part of the package.
Bagge72 December 20, 2011, 11:23 am
I think you need to have a talk with your boyfriend, and not his boss. In all reality it is really easy for him to let his boss know that you are his girlfriend, and he isn’t available right now, and he can do it easily without hurting her feelings. The thing with your boyfriend is that he is really young, and he really really likes the attention, and alcohol he is getting from this girl. He is going back to his friends and telling them how awesome this girl is for hooking him up. So unless you have a talk with him, and tell him that he needs to stop going to bars with his boss unless you are there, and not hangout and drink after work unless you are invited to stop by and have a drink with them. If that doesn’t work, and he ends up cheating on you just get her fired for drinking with minors after work ;0)
Natasia Rose December 20, 2011, 11:26 am
Am I the only one who thinks the LW sounds really jealous? I mean, if her bf is hanging out with the boss AND her boyfriend, then what’s the problem? Maybe the boss thinks of her bf as a little brother? Not everything in life is a sexual advance.
Carolynasaurus December 20, 2011, 11:52 am
Either way, it’s an inappropriate work relationship when the alcohol is involved and the LW is uncomfortable with it. She probably is jealous that her boyfriend finds his boss cooler, but it doesn’t make the situation any less skeevy or her feelings any less valuable.
Painted_lady December 20, 2011, 11:48 am
For anyone who hasn’t heard this story, Painted Dude (who is currently driving down here in a moving truck, YAAAAY!) has this friend we’ll call Sybil. Sybil and he dated for about five minutes and after she dumped him, they had one of those friendships where he did everything a boyfriend would do in exchange for her letting him think he had a chance. This went on for like a year, till about the time the nature of our friendship started changing. When he started backing off Sybil, she started to cling that much more tightly, and then when he told her we started dating, she didn’t speak to him for a week and then was openly hostile for about a month. She’s one of those girls who thrives off male attention as well – PD calls it collecting stalkers, I just say she wants all the boys.
Now, I fell in love with Painted Dude because he’s a genuinely good guy, and one of the flip-sides of it is, he’s…kind of a wimp about confrontation. It’s a fault I am normally fine with, but after Sybil forgave him for getting a real girlfriend, she started doing very similar things that your BF’s manager is doing to him, LW. I trust him, although I don’t trust her, but after awhile it started to hurt that PD wasn’t enforcing boundaries with her. It escalated, to the point where she would leave messages on his fb wall of a nature that implied more than was going on EVERY WEEK and then changed her profile picture to an old one of them. If he ignored her phone calls she had several friends who would call and chew him out.
She was trying to humiliate me – made very clear the one time I met her because my stupid boyfriend thought if she met me she would see how awesome I am and we’d be having slumber parties every weekend – and to assert her “claim” on my boyfriend. I finally turned it around on him. What I asked was not “When are you going to make this stop?” or “Do you let her keep going because you like the attention?” although I wanted to say both. What I said was, “What’s going to be far enough over the line for you that you’ll finally confront her?” It was open-ended and turned it very clearly around on him without being needy. I also added that it was humiliating for me, not that another woman wanted him (actually, that’s pretty good for my ego), but that he seemed to be so okay with a woman who was so openly hostile and dismissive of me.
And that’s when he finally said something. He knows I trust him – that was never the issue. But once he finally saw that I was hurt by his lack of action – not jealous, not angry, not threatened – and my problem was not that they were friends or that I was scared that they had a thing on the side but rather that he was letting a friend be so disrespectful of me, THAT was when he took action. Decide what you want the outcome to be, LW. What do you want *him* to do, not what you want her to do, and make it his problem, not your problem. How is he hurting you? He’s the one who loves you, so he should want to take action.
parton_doll December 20, 2011, 1:41 pm
Excellent advice! Thanks for sharing your story.
Landygirl December 20, 2011, 2:03 pm
While she may have been trying to humiliate you, what she was actually doing was humiliating herself.
Ktfran December 20, 2011, 2:07 pm
This reply rocked. Well done Painted Lady. And can I just add you’re awesome so is the way you handled the situation with Painted Dude.
rangerchic December 20, 2011, 12:16 pm
I remember as a teenager (17-20) I loved to get attention and alcohol from older guys. I think he does like the attention – who wouldn’t? But the LW should talk to him like everyone mentioned above not her. The boss will probably like that she is getting under the girl friends skin if the LW talked to her and might even ramp up the attention. It is probably just a game for the boss.
Landygirl December 20, 2011, 12:46 pm
If the boss wants him bad enough, let her have him. The tighter you hold on to something, the more it slips through your hands. The BF is using the boss as much as she’s using him. Is this the kind of guy you think you deserve? There are plenty of men out there, why settle? You’re young, go out and have fun and live your life.
6napkinburger December 20, 2011, 1:45 pm
I totally agree. And maybe some of the younger posters will have issues with this, but at this point in your life, this is just not worth the effort and hurt feelings. The situation shouldn’t be an issue because your BF should make it not an issue. I am of the opinion that the “keeper” type of boyfriend wouldn’t let this fester enough that you would be upset.
Of course, sometimes other women hit on/try to claim “keeper” boyfriends. But once they are aware of it, they avoid the situation and, usually, albeit it meanly, laugh/lament it with their actual girlfriend. The guy who denies it when its obviously there and has been “confronted” about it by his gf? He’s being sketchy. He either likes it or doesn’t want to deal with it; and in my mind, “keeper” boyfriends do what they can to put “keeper” girlfriend’s at ease. Once they know you feel funny about it, they avoid the problem; they don’t tell you that there’s nothing there to notice, because “keeper” boyfriends validate their girlfriends’ feelings.
Which is why I don’t think this is a “keeper” boyfriend and the fact that he, if not LW as well, are so young, makes this a no-brainer to me. If you want casual, find a casual boyfriend who doesn’t get drunk with his hot boss while making you uncomfortable and not caring. If you want a “keeper”, this guy isn’t it, so MOA.
CatsMeow December 20, 2011, 1:59 pm
Seriously! At that age, it sounds like he just wants/needs to be single and have fun. And LW should probably do the same. Don’t tie yourself down to this one guy who isn’t displaying any “keeper” qualities, as 6NB put it.
Landygirl December 20, 2011, 2:00 pm
When you’re young, everything seems so urgent and dramatic and when you get older, you realize what a putz you were when you were younger. You realize all the uncessary crap you put up with instead of just using your head and walking away from it. You think “this is my only shot at true love” when in fact, it’s just the first of many shots.
My advice is to treat yourself well, take your time..don’t rush and trust your instincts. Also, don’t put up with other people’s crap because if you do, then that’s all you’ll get from them because you’ve set a precedent.
AKchic December 20, 2011, 12:51 pm
I’m wondering just how old the boyfriend in question is. If he is under the age of 18, there is potential for statutory rape if she does succeed in seducing him. Because she is his supervisor.
Then, of course, even now, the company they both work for has a liability of sexual harassment. If the boyfriend didn’t like the attention, he would have said something, to someone. The store manager, for example.
I used to work fast food and retail. I am going to assume that one of these places is where this is happening. Most likely fast food since the two of them seem to be the only ones closing up, either that or a very small shop. It is not hard to have sex in a fast food restaurant or small retail shop after closing time when you are the only two people in the store. I know from experience. Nothing is sacred when the doors are locked and the main lights are out. The kiddie toys, the freshly cleaned bathroom, the managers office, the drive-thru, the kitchen, etc for a fast food restaurant. The stock room, cash registers, dressing rooms, aisles, etc for retail shops. It all depends on cameras, how kinky you want to get, and how willing you are.
I hate to say it – but I have a feeling that he probably has cheated, and is lying. Whether he feels like his job may be threatened, or enjoys the special treatment (rearranging work schedules mid-week is a great benefit), etc, if he truly was annoyed by what’s going on, he would have complained. To someone other than the girlfriend. Other co-workers are probably noticing, and the morale is probably getting bad, which will bring attention to the store manager at some point.
Calle December 20, 2011, 1:14 pm
For those of you saying the boyfriend should have done something….I agree, except for the fact that some men are really naive, bad with confrontation, or in the case someone is your boss. Boyfriend may need the money for college and is terrified about losing the job. Or he is just terrible with confrontation or incredibly naive. Both of those things are negative character traits, but nobody’s perfect. Some women, sadly, love to flirt with taken/married guys and if a guy is naive/not got with confrontation, those situations can escalate if the girl doesn’t know when to give up. Saw something similar in graduate school, where it turned into a he said/she said situation…
6napkinburger December 20, 2011, 1:46 pm
I’m not nearly as bothered by the fact that he hasn’t done anything about it as the fact that he won’t admit that something is a little fishy/off. That to me is the dealbreaker here.
Budj December 20, 2011, 1:57 pm
I have observed that a lot in a couple of my ex gf’s. “Oh he is just being nice, stop being a jealous boy friend”
Not making a gender claim – just reflecting on my past experience and how I want to travel back in time and punch my past-self in the face for putting up with that kind of stuff while also trying to agree with your point. I never really put two and two together until reading this thread and it makes me feel a lot less bad for the arguments my last ex and I used to get in over that stuff.
lets_be_honest December 20, 2011, 2:44 pm
You’re clearly sexist. I’m offended. 😉
In all seriousness, good post.
Budj December 20, 2011, 2:52 pm
I know I just feel like most of the time when a comment starts out like that…the second paragraph is justifying it as a gender claim, haha.
Something More December 20, 2011, 1:33 pm
I don’t understand why so many people feel like someone under the age of 21 is a complete moron or is limited to the behavior of a 3 year old. “Maybe he’s too young” “too immature” “what does she expect from an under-21 year old?” Seriously?
CatsMeow December 20, 2011, 2:02 pm
They TEND to be pretty inexperienced with relationships, especially if they’re in high school or fresh out of high school. I know I was.
Ktfran December 20, 2011, 2:15 pm
I totally agree with you CatsMeow. I used to be a little insecure and would fight with my college boyfriend over stupid stuff. It made it worse that we attended two different colleges. I was never worried about him cheating, but I do know the stuff that bothered me before doesn’t even register now. Knowing yourself and trusting your instincts comes with age and living. I’m sorry Something More, but a lot of young people – not all, but a lot – just don’t have that kind of experience.
*HmC* December 20, 2011, 2:53 pm
I know I know, we sound like ageist, know-it-all old harpies. But, speaking for myself, I tend to quickly recognize stark differences in maturity levels when you’re talking about 20-year-old… well, kids. It’s not coming from a hateful place. It’s coming from a, “been there, done that” place. I remember shrugging off well-meaning advice from wiser, more mature older people when I was falling head over heals at 18. No one could tell me what to do, I was more in love than anyone had ever been and I knew everyone because I was smart and mature! And really, for my age, I was smart and mature. But as you grow and have experiences, you just learn things that you can’t learn from books or advice from others. You internalize what you’ve learned and your vision of the world adapts.
And knowing all of this, I guess ultimately you kind of have to let people make their own mistakes. That’s the best way to learn, after all. I know getting on my high horse with younger people has very little chance of making an impact- especially when you’re talking about anonymous people on the internet who have no real reason to trust me. But I have a big mouth and I can’t help myself! 🙂
Ktfran December 20, 2011, 4:26 pm
Stated much better than me. Thanks HmC.
atraditionalist December 20, 2011, 1:52 pm
Lots of youngsters writing in this week. Makes me feel old that I can legally drink
Landygirl December 20, 2011, 2:05 pm
It makes me feel old that if I had had children in my early 20s, they’d be old enough to legally drink.
Bagge72 December 20, 2011, 2:15 pm
You’re not old, you’re just very wise!
*HmC* December 20, 2011, 2:55 pm
If I had had a kid at 16 and that kid had gone on to also have a kid at 16, I could technically be a grandma! Is that weird to think?
Budj December 20, 2011, 2:58 pm
If I impregnated someone at 13, had a son, and my son did the same…I’d be an expecting Grandfather. noooo wayyy!
Budj December 20, 2011, 3:00 pm
Unfortunately shit like that happens in my mother’s school district. She teaches 1st grade and last year she had an uncle and a nephew in the same class…weeird.
lets_be_honest December 20, 2011, 3:17 pm
Very weird, however, my daughter’s “aunt” is only a year older. My mom remarried and had two more children with her new husband later in life, and then I had mine a year after (surprise!).
lets_be_honest December 20, 2011, 3:20 pm
And yes, people think its very weird and I don’t disagree. Its actually really nice for my only-child daughter though. Almost like siblings since we live in the same town.
theattack December 20, 2011, 4:52 pm
That sort of thing is very common in big families though. It doesn’t always mean someone had a kid really young. My grandfather grew up with nieces and nephews he played with that were actually older than him, because he was the second youngest of 18 children. The oldest ones were popping out babies at the same time he was popped out, and there were almost twenty years between them. Not suggesting that this is in any way normal today, but it is possible still. One of my friends in real life is in the same situation (minus the 18 kids).
Rhyanshae December 20, 2011, 10:43 pm
I had that happen with a girl I graduated with. She was the youngest of 12 kids, so of course, most of her nieces and nephews were close in age to her. I think her niece was only 2 years younger. Not all of those cases are due to early pregnancies. I think her oldest sibling was graduating/getting married when my classmate was born. Though, you can contrast that to another family in the same district who had 14 kids, the 7th oldest (and 7 years younger than my classmate, her brother) who had a kid at 14.
AKchic December 20, 2011, 3:25 pm
My cousin is like that. She had a daughter at 15. Then she got pregnant at 29 and her 15 year old daughter got pregnant (on purpose). She became a mom (3rd time) and grandma at 30. Of course, my aunt was thrilled to become great-grandma by age 55. Was actually bummed not to have family on “Teen Mom” or “16 and Pregnant” (which is why the kid got pregnant).
And they call ME the black sheep of the family! Baaaaaa.
lets_be_honest December 20, 2011, 3:41 pm
What?! Damn, that’s crazy people want to be on that show.
If you saw my little story above, neither my mom nor I were teenagers (luckily?), so no Teen Mom tryouts for us.
AKchic December 20, 2011, 4:25 pm
Even now, my kids are mistaken for my mother’s kids. When I was younger, it was understandable. She was late 30s (she was 38 when my oldest was born) to late 40s when they were all born. She just turned 50, and people still mistake my kids for hers. People still look at me funny like they don’t believe that I have had four, or that I’m old enough for one. I’m still mistaken for 21-22 years old and I’m nearly 30. When I was 16, I was frequently mistaken for 12.
If I were super thin, I could understand some of the confusion, but I’m a bit overweight, I’ll admit it. It’s not like I can hide the extra 30 pounds or so. There is plenty of gray in my hair (when I’m not dying it purple, red, blue, or whatever). Sometimes, I think Alaskans are a bit blind.
Meredith December 20, 2011, 3:09 pm
I agree with just about everyone here, that this is more about the boyfriend not establishing boundaries than anything else. Something else to keep in mind though, that he is a young and immature guy and they are pretty infamous for making mistakes. My fiancee once told me that as a guy, they could pretty easily make a decision not to chase women (he said another word but I will censor lol), but they could only outrun it for so long when it was chasing them.
In the end, she can’t control either of them, she can only control how she handles it.
L December 20, 2011, 5:18 pm
Ohhhh the “how can I stop the girl I hate from hitting on my man?” question.
I also have a similar story. My boyfriend is 24, he has a friend from school who is 20-ish (maybe 19? I don’t know…she’s for sure under 21) who has liked him for over a year. I’ve never met her, and never have wanted to, but I’ve heard the stories from my boyfriend. She has a bunch of boy problems pretty much all the time, and whenever she has them, she calls up my guy wanting to talk. My guy, the nice guy who he is and as someone who likes to be there for his friends, always says yes and they hang out and talk about things. She admitted to him that she likes him and wanted to see what it might be like for them to date — now keep in mind, she knows about me and the fact that I’ve been dating my guy for 2 1/2 years (LDR too). Boyfriend has always told her he would never do anything to hurt me and that he wasn’t interested. She apparently brought it up a few more times but as far as I know she hasn’t made any more “moves” on him since. They have continued to get together for lunch or whatever once in a great while.
Now, overall I’m a very nice person, but towards this girl I feel like bitch-o-rama. If I ever met her, things would turn very nasty. I’m really not the clingy controlling girlfriend, but I found her approach of my guy appalling and very offensive since she has always known about me. I at first told my guy that I would be most comfortable if he cut ties with the girl altogether; I stuck to that for a long time before we finally reached a compromise on the issue. He agreed to cut down a bit on how much he sees her and I agreed to be ok with them getting together as long as I never have to meet her. I totally trust him — I know that he has been cheated on twice before and would never put me in that situation — it’s just her I don’t trust because of what she tried to pull.
It took me a long time to realize that this type of compromise was the best route. I still don’t like her because of what she did, but she is my boyfriend’s friend and he wants to maintain a friendship with her and I support him in that decision, even if I don’t agree with it. I took the high road because in the long run, I know that my guy wouldn’t ever do anything that would hurt me. Even if she might try to pull something, I know that he would stop it.
LW, I would say reaching a compromise is your best bet. Bring up your biggest concerns (the drinking, special treatment, etc.), but don’t be accusatory. If you come off as too controlling, your boyfriend DEFINITELY won’t like that. Have a heart-to-heart conversation with him and put some trust in him.
Landygirl December 20, 2011, 5:57 pm
I must ask, what is the BF getting out of all of this? What does he gain by keeping this leech in his life? I just don’t understand.
L January 5, 2012, 7:50 pm
Ha! I just saw your comment now, Landygirl, when reading the update that was posted today and coming back to this post. No clue if you’ll actually see this…but I have NO IDEA what he gets out of his friendship with her. “Leech” is a good way to describe her. She’s basically his polar opposite. But whatever. He’ll finally graduate from college this spring and will move on…and somehow I doubt he will ever see her again after he graduates and moves on to the next stage of his life.